I am insecure or is something going on?

[ThatwasThen]

people with great relationships, found great partners and they are great partners themselves. They didn't cause an ass to miraculously, become a beautiful mare or stallion. So if a person is an ass, keep moving!

One for the Quote Hall of Fame.

[Llamalaura]

Well if you aren't the epitome of enabling the very thing you don't like, I don't know what is.

 

Get a backbone girl and tell your man that the disrespect he shows you is beyond acceptable and you're outta his bed for good.

I know, I see it now. I allowed it for so long because the lack of trust ate away at my confidence and self-esteem. I'm embarrased, but enough is enough.

[Llamalaura]

Something I've noticed and IDK if it's society conditioning us or if this is even a gender thing.

 

Somehow, we think that we either don't deserve it, or we have to earn it, meaning we can convince a person to treat us better. And their treatment of us, is somehow a reflection of us.

 

Well it is, because if you tolerate it, it is on you. It shows you don't believe in yourself or you're too weak to be alone.

 

But my point is, expecting your partner to be loving and caring is not being needing.

 

Its not something you have to change the guy to get. Its part of being in a healthy happy relationship.

 

A good man or woman, treats you well because that's who they are, not because of who you are. I have had people say to me or heard them just say in general, you gotta get the guy to do (insert whatever here)

 

Like its somehow on women to crack some male code. And I think it goes for good guys, too. I just don't know that aspect as well.

 

The bottom line is... well, its, two....

 

1. people with great relationships, found great partners and they are great partners themselves. They didn't cause an ass to miraculously, become a beautiful mare or stallion. So if a person is an ass, keep moving!

 

2. Anyone that uses the cope out 'you're too needy' to not try to meet your needs or listen, is not the right person for you.

 

You must be willing to walk away.... If you're not, then you're surrendering your needs for theirs.

 

We all have done this at some point. We are human after all... but once you see it, you cant un-see it.

 

Get strong, stay strong. If you don't do things for yourself, you will be settling because this guy, he's kind of a schlub... not real motivated and that's not necessarily an insult. Some people are completely happy and comfortable being what they are.

 

Its on you to make good decisions, that support the life you want, not the life you wish someone will come along and hand you.

 

I used to say, its hard to (insert whatever here) but that's wrong. Its not hard. Its easy to see what I don't want and keep on walking.

 

You don't want a guy that is addicted to his phone? A guy that expects you to give him date time with his phone? [emoji23] Then don't put him in your cart! keep shopping!

 

This guy is a joke. You are the one making him look good! I had that realization and it changed my life....

 

He dates his phone. He likes morning cuddles with his phone. Keep telling yourself that! [emoji23]

Every word of this is so spot on. I feel humiliated that I've got myself in this situation and allowed so much disrespect, but that's stopping now. I'm going to take a few days to get my head together, process everything that's been said then work up the confidence to tell him where I stand.

[ThatwasThen]

I know, I see it now. I allowed it for so long because the lack of trust ate away at my confidence and self-esteem. I'm embarrased, but enough is enough.

 

So now is the time to forgive yourself. You'll accomplish this by getting yourself away from him and by knowing that you've learned a very valuable life lesson that will only benefit you going forth in your dating. You know now that if BS, deal breakers, disrespect is ongoing even after discussing those things that you get yourself outta there until you find your life mate that shows you your value.

 

Remember this: You are the prize that any man should be happy to have. Having personal boundaries in place and honouring your own deal breakers will allow you to actually believe that.

 

Believe that and you will never be "embarrassed" over a d-bag again.

 

Cheers. You're going to be all that more dating savvy in your future.

 

I'm going to take a few days to get my head together, process everything that's been said then work up the confidence to tell him where I stand.

Why bother. Just tell him why you're dumping his smarmmy arse and then be done with him.

 

Where you stand? You aren't thinking of trying (yet again) to get him to change himself from a sows ear to a silk purse are you?

[Llamalaura]

Where you stand? You aren't thinking of trying to get him to change himself from a sows ear to a silk purse are you?

No, but I know I'll regret it if I leave without saying what I wanted to say. Or maybe I don't want to waste any more time and not say anything, no explanation just goodbye. And I'll regret giving him an explanation when I should have just walked. That's why I need a few days to go through my thoughts, no rushed decisions.

[bluecastle]

Slightly different angle here, but:

 

As I said in an earlier post, a man who spends his time looking at thirst traps on IG is the same as a man whose bedroom walls are covered in softcore cutouts from magazines. This is a "type," more or less, that has existed for centuries—the aging juvenile horndog—and best I can tell you are equally attracted to it as you are repulsed. More attracted than repulsed, actually.

 

What is it that you find so seductive and intoxicating about a man whose personal habits—there right from the beginning to see—trigger in you a deep sense of insecurity? It's a question worth exploring, as is the question of why it's so important to gauge your worth by seeing if you can change a human being, because tucked in there is the idea of measuring a connection with a human by your ability to control them. Reflecting on those questions, I think, will allow you take back some power, since this story will be less about something being done to you than about a series of choices you're exerting your own free will to make. In seeing it like that, you can make different choices.

 

Imagine, for the sake of argument, that instead of the IG stuff you were talking here about an inability to use the bathroom without peeing all over the toilet seat. You date for a week or two, and discover this unfortunate habit of his. "Mind putting the seat up?" you ask, and in response you find a toilet seat covered in urine. Again and again. That is not "disrespect," but just a dude with some lame personal habits. You can validate them by committing to him, or not. Odds are, in that case, you'd lose interest, attraction, and the respect for him required to remain involved. Easy choice.

 

This is the same, with one difference: the sexual, lustful component. Are you insecure about your looks, your body? Do you see your sexuality as your most potent offering to men? I ask that because it's the only reason I can think of why you'd find this remotely interesting or worthwhile to engage in: some desire in you to be better than those pixilated randoms, to use him as a proxy to compete with them, with "respect" or "disrespect" being substitutes for "winning" or "losing" a competition based on the most immature, hyper-sexualized ideas of men and women.

 

It's almost as if some mental wiring has gotten a little tweaked where you're wondering if you can be mature by proving yourself able to be "cool" with what amounts to blatant immaturity on his part, while being too scared to come across as "immature" in talking to him about this like an adult, and then walking in whatever direction makes sense after that talk. If you ever find yourself feeling a bit "crazy" in this relationship—well, it's a feeling that will be triggered by trying to cultivate a sense of maturity in the least mature of boxing rings.

 

Best I can tell, the person you see as your future husband is a man who has long ago lost interest in this sort of thing, if it was ever there. Well, this is not that man, as you've had a year to discover. Why even bother with ultimatums, you know? If you asked me to describe my "future wife" in a vacuum I would describe to you a woman who reads a book or two a week, which would mean I wouldn't try to see if I could ultimatum a woman who loved binging on reality TV to replace the Bachelor with Tolstoy in order "respect" me. No, I'd spend time looking for someone who was really into Tolstoy before she ever knew I walked the earth.

 

You sound like an awesome woman, by the way, and this relationship sounds like it has taught you a lot—namely, what you don't want out of a partner. That is a beautiful lesson, if a sad one to metabolize. Been there, a few times over, as many of us have a few relationships that serve to sharpen that compass. But to live that lesson we have to take the hard steps of walking toward it, rather than bending into an inauthentic version of ourselves in hopes of getting another person to change into a different shape.

[ThatwasThen]

No, but I know I'll regret it if I leave without saying what I wanted to say. Or maybe I don't want to waste any more time and not say anything, no explanation just goodbye. And I'll regret giving him an explanation when I should have just walked. That's why I need a few days to go through my thoughts, no rushed decisions.

I see. Its kind of human nature to get it off our chests and you'd be closing the door by telling him why you're done. Just don't let him talk you into staying. If he says he'll stop (yet again) tell him its too late... because it is.

 

Good luck. Let us know how it goes and don't be afraid to remain here as part of the forum community. Your experience will be valuable to others who have yet to realize that they "are the prize."

 

.... On edit: Reread and decided to snip.

[Lambert]

No, but I know I'll regret it if I leave without saying what I wanted to say. Or maybe I don't want to waste any more time and not say anything, no explanation just goodbye. And I'll regret giving him an explanation when I should have just walked. That's why I need a few days to go through my thoughts, no rushed decisions.

I am always of the school of thought, think twice, speak once.

 

I am also a person that needs a minute to process.

 

So I get it. In this instance, I think the less said the better. You're probably wasting your breath.

 

You're not saying he has to change, in order for you to be happy.

 

You do. And that's a huge difference.

 

You just can't do this anymore and there's not much more to say.... it doesn't matter anymore. Its over.

 

You see you can do better.... One day you woke up... And now you are leaps and bounds beyond where you were yesterday.

 

Thanks for the good times, here's your key, good bye.

 

Deep breath, maybe a good cry, & go get ice cream with someone who loves you, like your bff, your mom, the dog.... YOURSELF and smile at the bullet you dodged.

 

xxoo

[Llamalaura]

I read and re-read this entire reply about 100 times. Thank you for such a well thought out response.

 

Best I can tell, the person you see as your future husband is a man who has long ago lost interest in this sort of thing, if it was ever there

Yes exactly this.

 

I noticed the IG thing early on, and it bothered me, but I didn't want to be seen as "that" woman, y'know, irrational, high maintenance, jealous etc etc, so I never said anything. Even though it felt wrong and disrespectful, I couldn't quite at that time put into words why it was disrespectful and immature, I just knew that's what I felt. And while ignoring all of this behaviour I fell in love with him anyway. But it kept cropping up time and time again because my trust was betrayed and I knew I was compromising on my own values by allowing myself to be treated like this and not leaving, or at least setting boundaries at the start.

 

I suppose I was thinking that he'd stop doing what he was doing and stop being interested in it once we got into a relationship. And yeah it felt like a slap in the face when this didn't happen and I questioned my own worth, because why would he still need/want to look at all these other woman daily if he is in a happy relationship with someone he's attracted to? Which led me to feel he was no longer attracted me to, as well as the fact that he stopped paying me much attention or saying anything nice or loving to me at the same time he became more attached to his phone.

 

I guess I thought surely at some point he has to outgrown this immature behaviour? Or at least I feel it's immature. Surely no other woman would tolerate this behaviour? Their partner having screenshots of other girls, showing attention to them and hiding his phone. At the age of 28 you must realise that obsessing over hundreds of other women on social media isn't really compatible with a healthy mature relationship? I think because I'm not interested in showing attention to any other man, or appearing available while in a relationship, I expect the same from my partner.

 

I can only blame myself, I never set out clear boundaries at the start of the relationship, explaining that this is disrespectful and a deal breaker for me. It's not for him though, which should be okay, it just means we're not compatible.

[Llamalaura]

I am always of the school of thought, think twice, speak once.

 

I am also a person that needs a minute to process.

 

So I get it. In this instance, I think the less said the better. You're probably wasting your breath.

 

You're not saying he has to change, in order for you to be happy.

 

You do. And that's a huge difference.

 

You just can't do this anymore and there's not much more to say.... it doesn't matter anymore. Its over.

 

You see you can do better.... One day you woke up... And now you are leaps and bounds beyond where you were yesterday.

 

Thanks for the good times, here's your key, good bye.

 

Deep breath, maybe a good cry, & go get ice cream with someone who loves you, like your bff, your mom, the dog.... YOURSELF and smile at the bullet you dodged.

 

xxoo

 

Thank you. I know you're right, but I just can't stop thinking that he's surely not going to go though life alone, and I can't imagine any woman being happy with this behaviour so surely he's going to have to drop this habit at some point, so why can't he do it for me? Surely if you love someone you don't want to behave in a way that is causing them so much distress. Is it really such a big loss to him to give up all these girls, that he'd rather lose me instead of lose them? I dunno, I know everyone is right, I'm just heartbroken over it.

[Lambert]

Thank you. I know you're right, but I just can't stop thinking that he's surely not going to go though life alone, and I can't imagine any woman being happy with this behaviour so surely he's going to have to drop this habit at some point, so why can't he do it for me? Surely if you love someone you don't want to behave in a way that is causing them so much distress. Is it really such a big loss to him to give up all these girls, that he'd rather lose me instead of lose them? I dunno, I know everyone is right, I'm just heartbroken over it.

 

 

I edited this to delete my comment. For the regular readers of this forum....I cannot advise a person to not waste their breath on a lost cause and then turn around and do the same on their thread.

 

Somehow that just doesn't work for me. [emoji23][emoji106][emoji1635]

[saluk]

Thank you. I know you're right, but I just can't stop thinking that he's surely not going to go though life alone, and I can't imagine any woman being happy with this behaviour so surely he's going to have to drop this habit at some point, so why can't he do it for me? Surely if you love someone you don't want to behave in a way that is causing them so much distress. Is it really such a big loss to him to give up all these girls, that he'd rather lose me instead of lose them? I dunno, I know everyone is right, I'm just heartbroken over it.

 

Imagine if he was dealing with a heroin addiction instead of a sexy IG girl obsession. "Surely he's going to have to drop his addiction at some point. So why can't he get free of drugs for me?"

 

If he'd rather lose you than give up instagram, it's really not about you, and it's probably not going to change anytime soon.

[boltnrun]

As soon as you're playing the "if he loved me he'd want to CHANGE FOR ME!!!", you know you're in the wrong relationship.

 

He could just as easily say the same thing... if you loved him you'd accept him the way he is.

[Llamalaura]

As soon as you're playing the "if he loved me he'd want to CHANGE FOR ME!!!", you know you're in the wrong relationship.

 

He could just as easily say the same thing... if you loved him you'd accept him the way he is.

I haven't said this to him, and I know it's not right to think if he loved me he'd change. It doesn't mean I don't wish for that though, I think that's normal to hope that someone would pick you over something else. It's just how I feel, I know it's not the right relationship though.

[Llamalaura]

Imagine if he was dealing with a heroin addiction instead of a sexy IG girl obsession. "Surely he's going to have to drop his addiction at some point. So why can't he get free of drugs for me?"

 

If he'd rather lose you than give up instagram, it's really not about you, and it's probably not going to change anytime soon.

You're right I know

[DancingFool]

It's flawed reasoning on your part in that you are projecting to him what is important to you, what you want out of life, future, etc.

 

Not everyone is like you and it's important that you wrap your mind around that. Some people don't ever want stable relationships, never marry, don't want kids, etc. Some people drift from one short term fling or arms length casual arrangement to the next and never change because they are very much happy with that.

 

What this guy is showing you is that he is not like you and that his priorities and values are completely different from yours. So no, he isn't going to wake up and become who you want him to be tomorrow or next month or 20 years from now. So don't get caught up in wishful hoping that a frog will turn into a prince. In real life, a frog is just a frog.

[reinventmyself]

 

 

I noticed the IG thing early on, and it bothered me, but I didn't want to be seen as "that" woman, y'know, irrational, high maintenance, jealous etc etc, so I never said anything. Even though it felt wrong and disrespectful, I couldn't quite at that time put into words why it was disrespectful and immature, I just knew that's what I felt. And while ignoring all of this behaviour I fell in love with him anyway. But it kept cropping up time and time again because my trust was betrayed and I knew I was compromising on my own values by allowing myself to be treated like this and not leaving, or at least setting boundaries at the start.

 

A couple things are going on here and it looks like the view is getting clearer on your end. That's a good thing.

 

Buying into the narrative `crazy, jealous, irrational, etc has been your excuse to stay. After all you've learned you can't change his behavior and walking away has proved uncomfortable, so it's been easier (for a time) to wear the crazy, irrational badge. That way you get to stay, not do the hard thing and take the hit.

 

But. . .it doesn't last long until the discomfort that comes from lying to yourself, and stuffing your feelings becomes too much.

 

Secondly,

One that's been identified. He's addicted to electronic forms of entertainment. . whatever that may be. This addiction feels disrespectful to you and you've told him so.

 

But the larger issue that will pollute your relationship in other areas, is you have a man who will flip you on the mat when you take a chance, risk being vulnerable and share with him something that causes you discomfort. He isn't empathetic, he doesn't seem to care and he labels you terrible things. Why does he do it? Because it works.

 

You buy into it, back down and second guess yourself. You stop enforcing healthy boundaries of what you will and will not tolerate.

 

Yes. . .It may very well lead to an uncomfortable ending. But you don't want to be with someone who disregards your pain and punishes you for speaking up. If you don't already have one (*) it's possible that you end up with an anxiety disorder. Anxiety and panic are often due to things we are denying or avoiding. I see all of the above going on here.

[Wiseman2]

So why are you in his bed?

I have to leave the bed in the morning so he can get his phone out and scroll through IG/Snapchat. He doesn't ask me to, but he's said he likes looking at social media before he gets up in the morning and he can't/won't do it while I'm in the bed.

[Llamalaura]

So why are you in his bed?

I know I know, I'm humiliated I let that happen

[Llamalaura]

so it's been easier (for a time) to wear the crazy, irrational badge. That way you get to stay, not do the hard thing and take the hit.

 

 

But. . .it doesn't last long until the discomfort that comes from lying to yourself, and stuffing your feelings becomes too much.

 

Secondly,

One that's been identified. He's addicted to electronic forms of entertainment. . whatever that may be. This addiction feels disrespectful to you and you've told him so.

Yes exactly this.

 

Plus yes I do have anxiety, for which I am in therapy. However it's become so much worse in this relationship. Not from the start, only after he lied to me about things it just spirled downhill from there really. Now I'm on edge every time he hides his phone or gets a notification at 2am.

 

Yes I know this isn't healthy.

[bluecastle]

One thing about anxiety: it's a very powerful feeling, and us humans give a lot of weight and meaning to powerful feelings and whatever or whomever elicits them in us. We seek these feelings, want them, find our edges in them, a mix of comfort and thrill and identity. Easy example: amusement parks. Those are places built to trigger a high-octane range of "feeling"—much of it kind of anxious—to sate that somewhat universal human craving. The feelings we feel on those rides are very real, and yet the circumstances that are producing them are, all in all, pretty superficial.

 

I didn't pull that example out of a hat at random. Amusement parks are where we find rollercoasters—and love, of course, is often romanticized as being a "rollercoaster." So when we meet people who give us whiplash, who throw us from states of highs to states of lows—well, we sometimes process all that as signs of a potent connection. And yet: it's kind of like an amusement park, in that none of it is quite as deep as we'd like, since, of course, so much of what we're frustrated by (what you're frustrated by) is the sense that these consuming feelings (fear, anxiety, jealousy, whatever) are getting in the way of a more "real" relationship, a more enriching form of love and connection.

 

I'm being a bit existential, yeah, but to try to make a point. While I don't think you necessarily "like" feeling anxious, I do think part of what you're drawn to in him is that he triggers anxiety, that he, or being with him, or spinning out about his social media habits, provides that rollercoaster-like sensation. You said it yourself: your anxiety has gotten so much worse in this relationship, which is to say you've made a choice, if not quite consciously, to engage in something that spikes your anxiety levels.

 

Why? Stabbing in the dark—just trying to give you some footholds here to help with processing—I wonder if, on some level, you conflated this relationship with some of what you're working through in therapy. In other words, perhaps some part of your mind thinks: if you could learn to handle this anxiety with him, then it meant you were doing well in getting your anxiety under control rather than being controlled by it. Or something.

 

Except the brass tacks here are literally as surface-level and superficial as it get: hot girls on Instagram. Think about that for a moment. Turn that prism every which way, and it's very hard to find a story in which two people become closer by "working through" an issue involving hot girls on Instagram. It's the rollercoaster: real feeling supplied by...well, by nonsense. All these big concepts—trust, respect, disrespect—being connected to some random who seeks "likes" by posting her butt on social media and a dude who supplies one of those "likes." Sigh....

 

Somewhere in this ramble I'm also trying to tell you that you have no reason to be humiliated. You're living, learning, and odds are your time with him has not been 24/7 torture. Whatever has been good—well, great, that's stuff to flag as good for you, healthy, and stuff to find outside the amusement park, if that makes sense. You may have needed this chapter to discover that nothing is quite as radical as a romantic connection where a sense of calm is the dominant feeling—the one that expands, and deepens, in time, rather than the reverse.

[reinventmyself]

One thing about anxiety: it's a very powerful feeling,

 

I've been through therapy for a couple different reasons. It's my issues with anxiety that brought me there.

 

My therapist told me once. "you need to consider viewing your anxiety as your friend" (I wanted to punch him when he said this :)

 

"It's that little built in accountability system that's tapping you on the shoulder, reminding you that there is something you aren't dealing with properly, or avoiding entirely"