I am insecure or is something going on?

[Llamalaura]

Then there you are. It doesn't matter if 1000 internet strangers tell you it's unreasonable of you, it does bother you. Your relationship should not inspire anxiety or stress. A love relationship should never include fear or mistrust.

 

So, let's say you have yet another conversation and he agrees yet again to stop. Will you promise to stop monitoring his phone use and habits and honestly let it go? Could you let it go?

I did let it go, I didn't bring it up again but then I noticed he started taking his phone everywhere/midnight texts etc which made me think something is going on. And all ice said about it to him is "why do take your phone everywhere?" And he said I don't know then I dropped it.

 

If it wasn't go the good things, I'd have said he doesn't care and left. I'm so conflicted

[Llamalaura]

This may not make you feel better, but in my time in this forum there have been countless posters with similar issues. I don't recall them getting any better. Either that or they never came back to update.

 

I think there might be an addictive quality to it. The high of that easy/access/instant/attention. Throw the sexual component into it, they have a hard time putting their phone down.

 

That might be why he's so determined to hide it, though not doing a very good job at it.

I could be wrong. . but it's very similar to others experiences.

 

You're right about the addictive aspect of it. Although perhaps not actually cheating, he seems to love looking at all these girls several times a day. IG/Snapchat gives you constant access to attractive half naked girls you can just scroll through, and that's an issue for me if my boyfriend is interested in that.

[reinventmyself]

You're right about the addictive aspect of it. Although perhaps not actually cheating, he seems to love looking at all these girls several times a day. IG/Snapchat gives you constant access to attractive half naked girls you can just scroll through, and that's an issue for me if my boyfriend is interested in that.

 

Then you need to tell him. Instead of asking why he takes his phone everywhere, tell him how it makes you feel.

 

You don't want access to his personal life. You aren't asking for that, but you do want a man who behaves in a way that's respectful to your feelings and to the relationship.

 

I don't mind if my mind looks at other ladies. He just needs to do it on his time and not around me.

[Llamalaura]

Then you need to tell him. Instead of asking why he takes his phone everywhere, tell him how it makes you feel.

 

You don't want access to his personal life. You aren't asking for that, but you do want a man who behaves in a way that's respectful to your feelings and to the relationship.

 

I don't mind if my mind looks at other ladies. He just needs to do it on his time and not around me.

 

I know you're right. I'm going to speak to him on Saturday as we're both off at the weekend so plenty of time to talk without rushing it. My gut is telling me I'm right about my suspicions, but I won't know for sure until we talk.

[ThatwasThen]

I haven't caught him talking to anyone it's just what I'm thinking based on the evidence but I could be jumping to conclusions. Maybe it's just harmless fun for him and doesn't see how much it's causing trust issues. Aren't all guys into instagram girls/Snapchat now anyway? It's like the modern porn.

but you've talked to him about it already and he's said he won't do it and then went ahead and did it again.

The only guys that are into what he's doing are the ones whose g/f's put up with it by staying and just b*t*hing about it. If it's just about a bunch of harmless fun why does he do it still when you've talked to him and told him how it makes you feel? Is he addicted to it? Does he not care about your sensibilities about it?

 

How would you feel if he was using the visuals of actual porn stars rather than real girls (that he could interact with if he so chose). Would that cause you grief as well?

 

You have other issues in this relationship anyway as you say you have had many ups and downs. Just don't do yourself the disservice of settling for someone that you're not getting along with often.. When you read things you don't want to accept, I notice you tend to defend him... don't try to talk yourself into thinking it's okay when its not if its caused you to start a thread about it. If he gave up IG altogether would you still have many of those downs?

[Llamalaura]

but you've talked to him about it already and he's said he won't do it and then went ahead and did it again.

The only guys that are into what he's doing are the ones whose g/f's put up with it by staying and just b*t*hing about it. If it's just about a bunch of harmless fun why does he do it still when you've talked to him and told him how it makes you feel? Is he addicted to it? Does he not care about your sensibilities about it?

 

How would you feel if he was using the visuals of actual porn stars rather than real girls (that he could interact with if he so chose). Would that cause you grief as well?

 

You have other issues in this relationship anyway as you say you have had many ups and downs. Just don't do yourself the disservice of settling for someone that you're not getting along with often.. When you read things you don't want to accept, I notice you tend to defend him... don't try to talk yourself into thinking it's okay when its not if its caused you to start a thread about it. If he gave up IG altogether would you still have many of those downs?

 

No, if it was "normal" porn it's not an issue. These woman are just doing their job, they have millions of fans and wouldn't notice some random guy, however normal girls on Instagram is different, they notice the follows and the likes and that opens up the chance of communication. Although it would be an issue if he was viewing porn as often as he's viewing these girls on social media, 5 or 6 times a day every day just by picking up his phone.

 

 

The ups and downs we're having are due to us both being not great at communication in a healthy way. We're both very different people and show our love differently so weren't understanding each other to begin with. It is starting to get better.

 

 

However the trust issue has been there and getting worse since the first incident. And it bleeds over into other aspects of the relationship because I feel like I can't trust him, which means I'm constantly worrying, overthinking, and it just eats away at the relationship.

 

Honestly I don't know if I'd feel better if he deleted it. Now that there's been a betrayal of trust, I think I'd still worry that he wants to do it and is still interested in other girls.

[ThatwasThen]

No, if it was "normal" porn it's not an issue. These woman are just doing their job, they have millions of fans and wouldn't notice some random guy, however normal girls on Instagram is different, they notice the follows and the likes and that opens up the chance of communication. Although it would be an issue if he was viewing porn as often as he's viewing these girls on social media, 5 or 6 times a day every day just by picking up his phone.

Then tell him that and tell him its not okay and if can't stop then you are outta there (only say that if you mean it).

 

 

The ups and downs we're having are due to us both being not great at communication in a healthy way. We're both very different people and show our love differently so weren't understanding each other to begin with. It is starting to get better.

Read "The Five Love Languages" but it's only going to help if you both read it and show each other in their language how you value/love them.

 

 

However the trust issue has been there and getting worse since the first incident. And it bleeds over into other aspects of the relationship because I feel like I can't trust him,

well that's because you can't trust him. You've told him already how you feel, he said he'd stop but he didn't. Perhaps the compromise as outlined up above will help him to rehab from his attention addiction?

which means I'm constantly worrying, overthinking, and it just eats away at the relationship.

He needs to know that as well.

 

Honestly I don't know if I'd feel better if he deleted it. Now that there's been a betrayal of trust, I think I'd still worry that he wants to do it and is still interested in other girls.

You have zero trust now and unless he can show you in tangible ways that you have nothing to worry about, I'm sorry to say, I don't know how this is going to work out for the long haul.

 

Maybe couples counselling will get the two of you back on track and close the gap in the current emotional disconnect.

 

Good luck... let us know how your next chat goes. I hope you have enough in you to know a deal breaker when you see on and to know that he's on strike two and if he swings again, YOU are out. Sorry you're going through this.

[reinventmyself]

I've been in those type of relationships.

 

The anxiety, the constant knot in the stomach. Grasping for the good moments. But they are just moments and they don't make up for that constant inconsistency.

 

It's no way to live. No way to love.

 

Then one day you meet someone where things seems effortless in comparison. You just get each other. Your feeling secure and safe is his priority.

 

You look back and regret why you ever tolerated any less.

Believe you deserve it.

[Wiseman2]

If your friends are giving you the heads up ...Listen. No it's not normal for people to have to ask if you are still together. If this is just about liking pics, you need to get into therapy for insecurity and being jealous and controlling. Your relationship sounds awful.

 

If this is about putting your head in the sand despite all the "ups and downs", you need to end it. It would be best to end it either way. You're not happy whether it's due to social media pics, paranoia or he is in fact cheating and your friends are alluding to that.

people message me asking if we were still together What do you mean by it's the tip of the iceberg?

[Llamalaura]

You have zero trust now and unless he can show you in tangible ways that you have nothing to worry about, I'm sorry to say, I don't know how this is going to work out for the long haul.

 

Good luck... let us know how your next chat goes. I hope you have enough in you to know a deal breaker when you see on and to know that he's on strike two and if he swings again, YOU are out. Sorry you're going through this.

 

 

Then one day you meet someone where things seems effortless in comparison. You just get each other. Your feeling secure and safe is his priority.

 

You look back and regret why you ever tolerated any less.

Believe you deserve it.

 

Thank you everyone I really appreciate you taking the time to reply and advise.

 

 

I've been trying to justify and rationalise this behaviour for the sake of the relationship but I know deep down it's disrespectful and it's hurting me, so I can't ignore it anymore. If he wants to behave like that, constantly looking at hundreds of other girls all day, saving their photos and hiding his phone then he'll need to somehow find a girl who is fine with that behaviour.

 

I know I'm going to have this turned on me and he'll make out I'm the crazy one, that I'm being unreasonable and nagging, but so be it. Finally standing up for myself.

[Llamalaura]

If your friends are giving you the heads up ...Listen. No it's not normal for people to have to ask if you are still together. If this is just about liking pics, you need to get into therapy for insecurity and being jealous and controlling. Your relationship sounds awful.

 

If this is about putting your head in the sand despite all the "ups and downs", you need to end it. It would be best to end it either way. You're not happy whether it's due to social media pics, paranoia or he is in fact cheating and your friends are alluding to that.

 

Funnily enough I am in therapy, I have terrible anxiety that was ruining my relationships and I'm working hard on it.

 

You're right, however it's not just a like, it's the disrespect of publicly announcing you find all these half naked friends of yours attractive, that you want them to know you like what you see. Following almost 1000 normal girls, not celebs, screenshotting their photos. Being secretive with social media and his phone.

 

I know it's possible to be with a guy who doesn't make me feel like and not good enough, I've had relationships like that before, so I dont think it's just me being "jealous".

[reinventmyself]

Funnily enough I am in therapy, I have terrible anxiety that was ruining my relationships and I'm working hard on .

 

Do you have anxiety or is this relationship the root of your anxiety?

 

I have anxiety and I've learned to not get involved with people who make it worse by their behavior.

 

Matter of fact, I divorced someone who triggered me and when voicing legitimate concerns, I was just put back on me.

 

I get it. It's not a good place to be in.

 

The good news is are an articulate, intelligent woman. You've got a good handle on this. Though not always easy you have what it takes to confidently speak up and take care of yourself.

[bluecastle]

Do you have anxiety or is this relationship the root of your anxiety?

 

I'm also curious about this. My impression, following this thread, is that you value feelings of anxiousness and insecurity—by which I mean someone who triggers them, like your boyfriend, is seen as special, or powerful, or something. Call it the Rollercoaster Effect: someone gives us whiplash every which way, just by being themselves, and we respond by riding over and over.

 

I admit that I find the specific source of your angst a bit hard to understand. Ostensibly, you were able to see how he uses social media pretty early, as tends to be the case in modern dating, so I guess what I'm curious about is the instinct to want to even get serious with an adult man who is thirsty for thirst traps. Did you like the idea of seeing if he'd change social media habits that predated you for you?

 

Analog analogy would be: you go on some promising dates with a new man, then end up back at his house after a week or three, only to discover the walls of his room are covered in Playboy clippings and the like—the 1970s-1990s version of your dude. Do you keep exploring things, or have you lost interest? Because that's kind of all social media is—a narrow window into someone (like the furniture they choose, or the clothes they wear) but still a relevant window. You get to decide if you want to crawl through it, or not.

 

I don't say that in judgement, or to give your boyfriend a break, but just to encourage you to analyze your own behavior with the same intensity as you've been analyzing his. You may find that, in approaching it from that angle, you find the sense of calm, power, and respect that you've been looking for, by choosing to let go of what you've been choosing to hold onto and see if you can change.

[ThatwasThen]

I know I'm going to have this turned on me and he'll make out I'm the crazy one, that I'm being unreasonable and nagging, but so be it. Finally standing up for myself.

Yep... take back your personal power from him.

 

I know it's possible to be with a guy who doesn't make me feel like and not good enough, I've had relationships like that before, so I dont think it's just me being "jealous".

That-a-girl. Your going in with eyes wide open.

[Llamalaura]

I've read these responses over and over and I keep going back and forth with what to do.

 

We get on so well when I put this issue to the back of my mind and ignore it. But it always creeps back up because there has been a betrayal of trust, I'm trying to think of it like this: a few years from now, do I picture my husband as someone who follows hundreds and hundreds of half naked girls with photos of them on his phone? No. So either I attempt once more to get him to see sense, or I accept that this is something he wants to do so he'll need to find a partner who's okay with it.

 

Is that acceptable to say that to him? Sort of an ultimatum?

[Wiseman2]

He is not your future husband. You are not engaged. You already gave him an ultimatum and he just continued. You knew what he was doing "early on" yet you continued to drag it out for a year. It's not up to him. It's up to you.

a few years from now, do I picture my husband as someone who follows hundreds and hundreds of half naked girls with photos of them on his phone?

Is that acceptable to say that to him? Sort of an ultimatum?

[Lambert]

I've read these responses over and over and I keep going back and forth with what to do.

 

We get on so well when I put this issue to the back of my mind and ignore it. But it always creeps back up because there has been a betrayal of trust, I'm trying to think of it like this: a few years from now, do I picture my husband as someone who follows hundreds and hundreds of half naked girls with photos of them on his phone? No. So either I attempt once more to get him to see sense, or I accept that this is something he wants to do so he'll need to find a partner who's okay with it.

 

Is that acceptable to say that to him? Sort of an ultimatum?

It seems you don't like his behavior. It's creepy objectifying women and acting seedy to you. And that alone is enough to say something.

 

But I don't think this something you can change in a person. He likes looking at women and low key engaging with them through likes etc. He already knows its not right. Why else would he hide it?

 

I would say you could try talking to him, but it doesnt sound like you have the kind of relationship where you can tell him how you feel, without him being defensive. Which is a whole other problem.

 

The other problem is, you keep saying you don't know if this bothers you or not. Ok, that is you lying to you because you don't want to be alone.

 

We all know inherently how we feel. We get into conflict with ourselves because we don't like what we know we have to do about how we feel. So we'll say we don't know what to do.

 

We know what to do. We just don't want to do it!

 

I'm not saying he's a bad guy, but for me, I would not tolerate this. People coming up to you, asking if youre still together? How humiliating. Read between the lines. Its not just low key likes. They're just not saying what they know to your face.

 

The key to his flat, dinners and cinema dates frankly, are the bare minimum in a relationship. Monetary giving is cheap. Emotional support & respect, those are expensive to give.

 

You're looking to the future, marriage etc? you cant even talk to this guy.

[Llamalaura]

He is not your future husband. You are not engaged. You already gave him an ultimatum and he just continued. You knew what he was doing "early on" yet you continued to drag it out for a year. It's not up to him. It's up to you.

I'm not saying he's my future husband, I'm saying when I see myself married in the future, I don't picture it being to someone who does these things. And he wants to do that so there's my answer.

[Llamalaura]

It seems you don't like his behavior. It's creepy objectifying women and acting seedy to you. And that alone is enough to say something.

 

But I don't think this something you can change in a person. He likes looking at women and low key engaging with them through likes etc. He already knows its not right. Why else would he hide it?

 

I would say you could try talking to him, but it doesnt sound like you have the kind of relationship where you can tell him how you feel, without him being defensive. Which is a whole other problem.

 

The other problem is, you keep saying you don't know if this bothers you or not. Ok, that is you lying to you because you don't want to be alone.

 

We all know inherently how we feel. We get into conflict with ourselves because we don't like what we know we have to do about how we feel. So we'll say we don't know what to do.

 

We know what to do. We just don't want to do it!

 

I'm not saying he's a bad guy, but for me, I would not tolerate this. People coming up to you, asking if youre still together? How humiliating. Read between the lines. Its not just low key likes. They're just not saying what they know to your face.

 

The key to his flat, dinners and cinema dates frankly, are the bare minimum in a relationship. Monetary giving is cheap. Emotional support & respect, those are expensive to give.

 

You're looking to the future, marriage etc? you cant even talk to this guy.

 

Unfortunately this is absolutely spot on.

I can't communicate my feelings or worries without him being defensive.

 

I know it bothers me, I would be telling my best friend to walk away if her boyfriend was doing these things.

 

He's not a bad guy. But I think we have a different levels of maturity and different values/morals.

 

And it is humiliating. I I have to leave the bed in the morning so he can get his phone out and scroll through IG/Snapchat. He doesn't ask me to, but he's said he likes looking at social media before he gets up in the morning and he can't/won't do it while I'm in the bed. I'm embarrased I've put up with this behaviour now that I'm saying it all "out loud'.

[Lambert]

Unfortunately this is absolutely spot on.

I can't communicate my feelings or worries without him being defensive.

 

I know it bothers me, I would be telling my best friend to walk away if her boyfriend was doing these things.

 

He's not a bad guy. But I think we have a different levels of maturity and different values/morals.

 

And it is humiliating. I I have to leave the bed in the morning so he can get his phone out and scroll through IG/Snapchat. He doesn't ask me to, but he's said he likes looking at social media before he gets up in the morning and he can't/won't do it while I'm in the bed. I'm embarrased I've put up with this behaviour now that I'm saying it all "out loud'.

 

You cant change how you got into this situstion but the good news is, you can absolutely change what happens from now on.

 

I think we have all been embarrassed by what we've allowed people to do to us....

 

He wants to be alone with his phone, while he has a live woman that loves him in his bed. He's pretty pathetic. Don't ever let someone treat you like an option. You remove the option.

 

Hold on to the embarassment and turn that into pride to walk away. Don't bury your negative feelings toward him... use them to strengthen your resolve to not deal with him and his creepy pig ways anymore.

 

Remember it doesn't matter what you put up with in the past. Its a new day! And you deserve more. starting right now.

 

I would low key, like him, get anything of yours out of that flat. And then leave the key on the counter and lock the door behind you.

 

Let him react. And then you can calmly tell him what's up.

 

If you try to talk to him, it will be talking to a wall. You already know he is only gonna do the bare min to keep you. Let him have his real love- the internet.

[Llamalaura]

He wants to be alone with his phone, while he has a live woman that loves him in his bed. He's pretty pathetic. Don't ever let someone treat you like an option. You remove the option.

 

If you try to talk to him, it will be talking to a wall. You already know he is only gonna do the bare min to keep you. Let him have his real love- the internet.

 

I've been scared to talk about this to him for a while now because I thought I'd look desperate and needy, like I'm begging for his love and attention, something that I'm sure would be an ego boost for him. But this sums it up perfectly, thank you.

[boltnrun]

I've been scared to talk about this to him for a while now because I thought I'd look desperate and needy, like I'm begging for his love and attention, something that I'm sure would be an ego boost for him. But this sums it up perfectly, thank you.

 

Is this how you always imagined your love relationship would be? Is this what you've always hoped for?

[Llamalaura]

Is this how you always imagined your love relationship would be? Is this what you've always hoped for?

I haven't really demanded respect and have allowed him to continue to disrespect me because I believed that I was being unreasonable for not accepting someone who needs to look at hundreds of other girls throughout the day, I just accepted that this is how it would be. I felt like I was being pushy and nagging by asking him to stop. But that's only because it wore away at my confidence and self worth.

 

I see now that I'm absolutely within my rights to demand respect, I'm not being unreasonable or high maintenance by not wanting my BF to have screenshots of girls in bikinis on his phone. A phone that is guarded and kept out my line of vision. Because it is disrespectful, and he's making a fool of me. And worse, I allowed it.

[ThatwasThen]

He doesn't ask me to, but he's said he likes looking at social media before he gets up in the morning and he can't/won't do it while I'm in the bed.

Well if you aren't the epitome of enabling the very thing you don't like, I don't know what is.

 

Get a backbone girl and tell your man that the disrespect he shows you is beyond acceptable and you're outta his bed for good. Geeze. I think a key to his flat and few dinners is NOT worth that humiliation.

 

Next time don't "ask" a partner to stop something you don't like. Tell him you're outta there if it doesn't because its a damn deal breaker for you. If you let yourself continue to enable men to do to you what you don't like by staying with them, then you are never going to be truly happy with who you're sharing a bed with. Have the confidence to know that there will always be someone better for you than someone who disrespects you and get yourself away from them before they win you over with a key to their place.

[Lambert]

I've been scared to talk about this to him for a while now because I thought I'd look desperate and needy, like I'm begging for his love and attention, something that I'm sure would be an ego boost for him. But this sums it up perfectly, thank you.

Something I've noticed and IDK if it's society conditioning us or if this is even a gender thing.

 

Somehow, we think that we either don't deserve it, or we have to earn it, meaning we can convince a person to treat us better. And their treatment of us, is somehow a reflection of us.

 

Well it is, because if you tolerate it, it is on you. It shows you don't believe in yourself or you're too weak to be alone.

 

But my point is, expecting your partner to be loving and caring is not being needing.

 

Its not something you have to change the guy to get. Its part of being in a healthy happy relationship.

 

A good man or woman, treats you well because that's who they are, not because of who you are. I have had people say to me or heard them just say in general, you gotta get the guy to do (insert whatever here)

 

Like its somehow on women to crack some male code. And I think it goes for good guys, too. I just don't know that aspect as well.

 

The bottom line is... well, its, two....

 

1. people with great relationships, found great partners and they are great partners themselves. They didn't cause an ass to miraculously, become a beautiful mare or stallion. So if a person is an ass, keep moving!

 

2. Anyone that uses the cope out 'you're too needy' to not try to meet your needs or listen, is not the right person for you.

 

You must be willing to walk away.... If you're not, then you're surrendering your needs for theirs.

 

We all have done this at some point. We are human after all... but once you see it, you cant un-see it.

 

Get strong, stay strong. If you don't do things for yourself, you will be settling because this guy, he's kind of a schlub... not real motivated and that's not necessarily an insult. Some people are completely happy and comfortable being what they are.

 

Its on you to make good decisions, that support the life you want, not the life you wish someone will come along and hand you.

 

I used to say, its hard to (insert whatever here) but that's wrong. Its not hard. Its easy to see what I don't want and keep on walking.

 

You don't want a guy that is addicted to his phone? A guy that expects you to give him date time with his phone? [emoji23] Then don't put him in your cart! keep shopping!

 

This guy is a joke. You are the one making him look good! I had that realization and it changed my life....

 

He dates his phone. He likes morning cuddles with his phone. Keep telling yourself that! [emoji23]