Am I in the wrong?

[BecxyRex]

Wait, I'm confused. This isn't just "her" bathroom, it's both of yours. She has no right to ban anyone from using it. How is this even up for debate? People need to shower, end of. I would laugh at such a ridiculous request and if she was actually serious, I'd pack my bags and go live in an environment, where my children aren't being denied basic human rights.

[bluecastle]

I will be letting them shower regardless of what she says.

 

This solves one problem, in that it gets your children bathed until the faucet is fixed. But, all in all, that seems like the smallest problem in this whole scenario.

[j.man]

Sorry to hear this. You need to clean up after them and teach them to clean up after themselves. Do not mistake "loving them as her own" with you and them treating her like the cleaning lady and nanny. She is their stepmother. She doesn't have to love them. It would be nice but all she has to do is respect your relationship with them.

 

The 18 y/o has the right to live wherever he wants. There is no 50/50 "custody" in that case. Consider letting him go away y to college. Also consider letting them stay with their mother more often i f this much tension is created by this.

 

You need to step things up quite a bit. How is it your kids get away with this? This is not a one time event. The shower breaking is just another tipping point. You need to be a much more involved father and teach the kids how to respect themselves, the rights of others etc. You also should consider a housekeeper if they are not picking up and you are not setting any example.

 

If the shower is broken they can stay at their mother's until it's fixed or they learn from you how to pick up after themselves. They are rebelling and disrespecting your wife and for some strange reason you allow this and in fact chime in with emotional blackmail such as .."if you loved them...'.

If their shower is broken and you have another functional one in the house, you provide them access to it. Period. It's their home, not a third world detention center.

 

Don't pawn off your parental responsibility to provide for your children's most basic hygienic needs onto your former spouse. And no, you don't use access to a shower as leverage to foster cleanliness. It's as barbaric as it is devoid of any logic. "If you don't clean up, you can't shower." I could wake a methhead passed out next to their baby and probably still hear a better parenting strategy.

 

There is nothing about your kids having an untidy bedroom and failing to throw a red solo cup in the recycling that bears even the tiniest proportionality to being denied access to the shower. It's not a privilege to lose.

[MissCanuck]

There is nothing about your kids having an untidy bedroom and failing to throw a red solo cup in the recycling that bears even the tiniest proportionality to being denied access to the shower. It's not a privilege to lose.

 

I absolutely agree. She is being absurd here.

 

OP, how did her abusive ex win custody? Are you sure that's actually what happened? Her behaviour here makes me wonder if there is a lot more to that story that she has edited out. How often does she see or speak to her own child?

[Wiseman2]

Sadly you are right-fighting with your wife. Even though there are viable peaceful solutions/compromises such as having it fixed promptly or letting them stay with their mother while there are household issues. You seem to have an inordinate amount of baggage left over from your divorce from their mother. This shower thing is a symptom, not the problem.

 

Unfortunately after being married this briefly it sounds like marriage therapy may be in order if a simple household issues like this has you at each other's throats. Why won't you allow their mother to have them a few extra days, what's the big deal? Were there this many right-fights with her too? Or she doesn't have showers in her house?

I am remarried and have 3 kids that live with us 50% of the time. 11, 16, and 18. My kids can at times be messy. The other day the shower in their bathroom broke. It might take a few days to get this fixed and she is refusing to let my kids use our shower in the meantime because they are messy. I find this totally offensive as I think she should treat my kids as her own. I would never tell her that her son couldn't use our shower if his was broken no matter what faults he might have. Am I wrong for thinking this way?

[maew]

How are you dealing with this OP? Have you put your foot down, or are you allowing her to have her way?

 

I am sure there have been other similar episodes.

 

Your children will remember how you handle these types of situations. Forever. You need to have their back as a parent.

 

Agree.

 

Can I understand frustration with leaving a mess? Sure. But it sounds like she is having an extreme reaction to what amounts to normal teenage messiness.

 

Also, I find it odd that you would even ask if there is something off about her refusing to let your kids shower OP. Why do you need an internet forum full of strangers to validate that there is something wrong with what she is saying?

[ThatwasThen]

They are improving but she doesn't want to acknowledge it. I guess I am looking at it as messy or not how do you say my kids can't use the shower for 2 days.

Its your house too... How/why do you let her dictate like that? I would just tell her that they are using the shower and if it's not cleaned up to your liking then I'll clean it up again after they've done their best. Who is she? The queen of dsDavidville?

[catfeeder]

I think we understand why her kid lives with her ex 100 percent of the time.

 

My first order of business would be to schedule a plumber. Then I'd tell wife that I'm allowing the kids to use the working shower. If she has any gripes afterward, she can report them to me, and I'll handle the problem.

 

I'd tell wife that this is obviously a symptom of larger problem, and I'm open to discussing that and negotiating our way through it. However, she'll need to be specific rather than lob some generalized abstraction at me. If she's upset about messes, she can raise each instance with me as it occurs, and we'll figure out how, exactly, she wants me to address it.

 

Pressing wife to detail exactly what bothers her at any given moment will teach you whether wife is being driven nuts by a bunch of stuff you don't notice, or, she'll point out nits and you can recognize that her real gripe is resentment toward your kids and possibly jealousy over their relationship with you.

 

I would not accuse her of that, but I'd welcome her to pick out a marriage counselor for you both to attend. Her resentments may make her feel guilty, so it's important that she does the picking so she won't feel that you're partnering with a counselor to gang up on her.

 

If wife won't attend counseling, you have a hard choice to make. Is catering to someone who makes your kids feel unwelcome in their own home something you'll want to continue?

[Lambert]

I really feel bad for your children. 16 and 18, they can be told what to do and expected to do it. The 11 year old probably does need more supervision.

 

Although something you said struck me.... they spend all their time in their rooms except meals.

 

Did you ever think its cause the step mom is unbearable?

 

My point is... you need to work out this family dynamic. You as your children's father must be their advocate. They are only under your roof for so long... and the way it sounds when their gone, they are GONE! it'll be you and your control b... err wife.

 

You gotta do right by your kids. What are you doing? Have you lost your gourd and your sense? In what world do you need confirmation that denying showers is ok?

 

When you get that shower fixed, you might want to fix your manhood, too.

 

Gosh....

[shellyf62]

My Son is divorced and has remarried. He has a 10 yr old Son.

He has his Son every weekend.

My DIL is amazing, she treats my Grandson like her own child.

He loves her, to the point of buying his Mum & His Stepmum the same Mother's day presents.

 

Your children will never have this relationship with your wife. She sounds horrid. Your kids dont feel welcome in your home, hence the only coming out to be fed.

 

You really need to change the dynamic here, if you dont your children wont be coming to visit you when they have their own families