Caught boyfriend leaving hearts under other woman’s Instagram photo

[SherrySher]

I don't agree. I think everyone has a set of values they want or look for in partner. Some people don't care if their partner looks around, others aren't okay with that.

It's fine, people choose someone as a partner based on what they are okay with and not okay with.

I don't see that as a trust issue, per se, but more of what is attractive and what isn't. What qualities you like in them or what you don't.

 

Early days like this will show someone who they are with and what to expect and it's not always pretty.

I personally wouldn't want a man who barely started dating me and is lusting over other women. Not a good start in my books.

[mayflower165]

I wouldn’t say I was searching for bad behaviors because I don’t trust him. That’s what social media is.. you look at other people’s pictures.. you look to see who’s in his friends list. It’s all out there. And then I found the heart comment? It turned me off

[figureitout23]

Sherrysher - understood. And agree we all have standards but what about her snooping? Is that not something to be judged? Why does he only get his actions criticized?

[mayflower165]

Exactly it’s a new relationship.. you shouldn’t be lusting over other woman. Why be with a man who brings out those irrational fears in you.

[mayflower165]

It’s not snooping if it’s on a public platform like Instagram for the world to see. I can understand if i went through his phone. But I didn’t.. it’s public information.

[figureitout23]

Is this something you plan to do in all your future relationships? Search for bad behavior because you don't trust?

 

I wonder the same.

 

If it’s a turn off, it’s a turn off, your prerogative

 

But the fact you made a conscious choice to state, ‘ I’ve dealt with this in the past’ as if that somehow has ANYTHING to do with him shows he’s paying for others past sins.

 

If this is how you choose to date, it is your right, but own it, you are not without fault here.

[SherrySher]

And then I found the heart comment? It turned me off

 

That to me is fair.

 

When you first start dating someone, social media is a clue to who they are. If he had makes smileys and hearts on womens pictures months previous to dating..who cares.

 

But one month in and he's doing this..not a great start. And he clearly enjoys looking around.

Not my cup of tea either.

[figureitout23]

Exactly it’s a new relationship.. you shouldn’t be lusting over other woman. Why be with a man who brings out those irrational fears in you.

 

Girl!!!!

 

The irrational fear was already there or you wouldn’t have snooped to begin with!

 

Quit blaming him for YOUR trust issues.

[mayflower165]

True I feel like the experiences from the past protect you from future hurt though. If I can find out something sooner and get out of it then it’s better for me versus finding out a year later that he leaves hearts under the pictures of other women.

[mayflower165]

So as a girlfriend I should be oblivious to who he’s friends with on Instagram?

[SherrySher]

I snoop..darn right I do. The internet does give a woman a head start as to what they are getting into.

 

I for one, encourage women to snoop. Look, see what kind of man he is. If he's behaving badly on the internet, it's good to know. If he's acting recklessly, good to know.

Heck, it only takes a few clicks.

 

I googled my ex. He kept telling me what a good man he was, google told me a different story. I thank god I looked. He was a player and was behaving very badly online and had been for years.

 

I confronted him, he denied, denied until he couldn't deny the stuff I had found online. He was constantly chatting up women, going on sites he probably shouldn't have been on, and lied like you wouldn't believe.

 

I didn't go hard core into snooping. A few clicks told me the truth. I don't regret it. Loads of people these days lying as to who they are, and I for one don't want to be fooled or waste my life on it.

[figureitout23]

True I feel like the experiences from the past protect you from future hurt though. If I can find out something sooner and get out of it then it’s better for me versus finding out a year later that he leaves hearts under the pictures of other women.

 

It’s a double edged sword.

 

You learn through experiences true, but those experiences also chip away at you.

 

I’m sure you are aware of the concept of baggage.

 

What you’re explaining is baggage.

 

It’s not intuition it’s not a gut feeling, due to your baggage you started off not trusting him. There’s no way to sugar coat that.

 

And again, I don’t know if he’s guilty or innocent and if Instagram hearts are a make or break thing for you, you have every right to feel that way.

 

BUT

 

You don’t get to act like you played no part in this.

 

As another poster asked, is this how you plan to operate in every relationship? Cause if it is, expect to meet someone who will not put up with snooping.

[Andrina]

Since his behavior causes you stress, it's better not to hope for change and realize a guy who doesn't do this is more of what you're looking for.

 

and honestly I can’t take another heart break. This, to me, is greatly concerning. You survived breakups before, and you need to have the perspective of: I'll have a wait and see attitude when I date. If it works out, wonderful. It it doesn't, I'm smart to move on so I can find a better match.

 

The psychology of self-talk is immensely important. Don't enter any new relationships with emotional baggage, or you will sabotage what could've been a good thing. Each experience is new, and the only control you have is to cut the losers loose and keep the good ones, and take things day by day. Time will tell if a person will be good longterm material or not. Start practicing better self-talk, that you will handle whatever way things pan out. We've all been broken up with, and have let people go who weren't right for us. It's nothing unique, and nothing to fear. It's a part of life we all go through. You're only weaker than the rest of us if you think you are. Ignite the power of your mind, and its positivity. It's very empowering. Good luck.

[Batya33]

If you don't trust who you are dating you shouldn't be dating him. If you have to check the internet to see if the man you are dating and serious with is who he says he is you shouldn't be dating him. Far different to check someone out on google before or right after meeting the person for the first time but checking up on a partner by snooping -that just means you don't trust him and what a relationship without trust?

[mayflower165]

Who doesn’t have baggage? And who wouldn’t want to look through their significant others Instagram? I agree with Sherry, looking has saved me a ton of wasted time.

[bluecastle]

True I feel like the experiences from the past protect you from future hurt though.

 

Yes and no.

 

I've been cheated on, been hurt. But I don't try to "find out" whether my current girlfriend is doing anything that might hurt me as I've been hurt in the past, however. Because what did that past pain show me, in the end? That I can handle it. I'm living, breathing, and there's really nothing she could do to me, save for homicide, that would change that.

 

When we're still driven by past pain something funny happens: we seek it out without realizing it, even inflict it onto ourselves. A familiar state of suspicion gets triggered, and instead of feeling that "trigger" as something to walk away from, we walk toward it. Something to think about. If dude struck you as above board, or if you looked in the mirror and saw a woman who could handle anything a dude could throw your way over a 30 day period, I don't think you'd be looking for signs of the apocalypse on social media.

 

Moving forward, you can kind of think about this stuff from two angles. You can emphasize who you want to be, in your skin and alongside another person, or you can emphasize "finding out" everything about another person to feel comfortable in your skin. I'd say the former is more self-empowering than than the latter, and a more surefire way to not get burned or feel burned.

[Seraphim]

Who doesn’t have baggage? And who wouldn’t want to look through their significant others Instagram? I agree with Sherry, looking has saved me a ton of wasted time.

 

My husband and I didn’t share our FB pages for like 10 years. He got rid of his I dunno 2 years ago maybe. He has Twitter I don’t patrol his Twitter. It occasionally comes up in my feed. We have been together 30 years married 26 in a few months. For me it is not a huge thing.

[SherrySher]

I agree with you Seraphim, I am the same with my husband. However married couples versus a new man, are two different worlds.

 

I think it's smart to look and see what you might be getting into. Had I not done it, I would still be wasting my time with a cheating, lying piece of dung.

[Batya33]

Who doesn’t have baggage? And who wouldn’t want to look through their significant others Instagram? I agree with Sherry, looking has saved me a ton of wasted time.

 

My husband has a nominal facebook he never checks, he has a twitter account for professional reasons. I have an active FB and Linkedin account and have an inactive twitter. He's never checked either. I follow him on twitter but I'm not really a twitter person. I suppose everyone has baggage. So? My husband and I trust each other. I trusted him when we dated the first time around (pre-internet -can you believe it??) and the second time around when the Internet was very popular of course. I would never check his phone or email unless he asked me to. I don't want him checking mine because I like my privacy, my personal space - I want to chat with friends about stuff that I might not want to share with him or not share with him then. Nothing to do with betrayal or cheating or anything of the sort. But we're not joined at the hip -we have our private time, our friends, our things we do not with each other. And we're in a committed ,loving marriage.

 

When we first met there was no internet. We worked for the same company. I considered him to be a person of character and integrity. 25 years later I still do. I might have mentioned him to some mutual friends, it was important to me that my close friends and family meet him and approve of him (they did).

 

I do think spouses should have access to each other's phones in case of emergency. We don't - we should -no bad reason why just laziness I guess.

[SherrySher]

You're really lucky, Batya. I ran into a number of bad apples pretending to be decent men before I found my husband.

[pippy longstocking]

At the end of the day mayflower ...it isn't right/ok/acceptable for you ...and that is what is important

 

I do agree with the others who are telling you to choose your battles as you move forward ....take each man as an empty page not a script already written by your own experiences .

 

You did the right thing by ending it because for you ....this was unacceptable so you haven't let it drag on .

[Seraphim]

I guess I was just lucky. I found my man at 22 and been with him since. We had a few bumps where he did some questionable stuff but not in about 18 years.

[SherrySher]

Well if it isn't Pippy Long socks..lol...long time no see. :)

[j.man]

Who doesn’t have baggage? And who wouldn’t want to look through their significant others Instagram? I agree with Sherry, looking has saved me a ton of wasted time.

Bro you didn't just go through his Instagram. You were scrolling through his friends and then clicking on individual pictures to see if he'd liked or otherwise engaged with it. How many women did you click on before you got to this one? How many did you go through afterward?

 

In any case, a few posters have already outlined the distinction between what's perfectly fine as a preference and what crosses the line into being needlessly dramatic. You found out he "hearts" pictures of chicks in lingerie irrespective of whether he's been dating someone a whole month. Again, if that leaves a sour taste or you've lost respect for him, nothing can or should stop you from voting with your feet. Believe me, I've been completely turned off from women I've dated for much less. But tying it in with some history of betrayal and turning it into some serious threat or sign he is or will be looking to cheat on you is where you're crossing the threshold.

 

If you're serious about not wasting your time, you could have saved yourself a whole lot more holding off on dating altogether so you're not having to dig through pictures of his friends, needlessly confronting him over something he can't change and you know is a deal breaker for yourself, and subsequently venting your insecurities on forums. Yes, everyone has "baggage." Ideally though, you'd like it to at least fit in the overhead bin.

 

Not trying to sound mean. Just consider taking some time off. You were recently here seriously debating the idea of introducing a man you'd known for three months to your son. You were venting all the frustrations of dating just weeks ago and getting heart broken over a dude you suspect had a girlfriend after like one month. I don't think your head or your heart are in the right place to be playing the field right now.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Sounds like a lot of drama for 8 weeks of dating, no?

Thanks, I decided I’m going to break up with him.