Message to ex with Cancer

[Hollyj]

Now you're on the right track, Lady D. See, your friends care and we do too. The only way to break this vicious cycle is to block him on everything, unless you are willing to be a participant in this toxic scenario. I know you don't want that, so PLEASE stay strong. Show him how strong you are by eliminating him in your life. Even more important, show yourself how strong you are. Continue having self-respect. That, my friend, is golden!

 

Goddess. she should not showing him anything. This has nothing to do with him.

[boltnrun]

Goddess. she should not showing him anything. This has nothing to do with him.

 

I agree.

 

The whole point is for her to remove him completely from her life, mind and emotions. Not to prove to HER ABUSER that she's different.

[goddess]

Goddess. she should not showing him anything. This has nothing to do with him.

 

I agree with you completely. I didn't mean it quite the way that I wrote it. Guess what I meant was that Lady D should "show him" in her mind, not literally show him. Does that make better sense??

[goddess]

I agree.

 

The whole point is for her to remove him completely from her life, mind and emotions. Not to prove to HER ABUSER that she's different.

 

Sorry for the lousy wording. I didn't mean that she should literally show him. Just in her mind. She definitely should eliminate him in her life. Period. No excuses.

[boltnrun]

I agree with you completely. I didn't mean it quite the way that I wrote it. Guess what I meant was that Lady D should "show him" in her mind, not literally show him. Does that make better sense??

 

That's still keeping him in the forefront of her mind and having him be the motivation for what she does.

 

So I respectfully disagree that she should do ANYTHING for him or because of him. It should be all about her getting healthy emotionally for HER.

[Wiseman2]

Agree she needs to break the chains of the abusive relationship mindset. And show herself she can do that.

I didn't mean that she should literally show him. Just in her mind.

[goddess]

That's still keeping him in the forefront of her mind and having him be the motivation for what she does.

 

So I respectfully disagree that she should do ANYTHING for him or because of him. It should be all about her getting healthy emotionally for HER.

 

Please, don't get me wrong. I totally agree with you but, since she's been in NC for under one month, I imagine this abuser is still fresh in her mind. I don't think she can dismiss thoughts of him so quickly even if she wants to. She is still dealing with this. That's all I'm saying. She should work on healing but it takes time and a lot of determination. Well, I'm the last one to give advice, for sure. I'm still dealing with my own demons...

[abitbroken]

theres a point where you stop doing things to get better for your ex , and then you start to get better for you. its okay if you are not quite there yet, but hang in there, you are heading there.

[goddess]

theres a point where you stop doing things to get better for your ex , and then you start to get better for you. its okay if you are not quite there yet, but hang in there, you are heading there.

 

I don't know if your message was meant for me or OP, abitbroken, but I will say that I am heading in the right direction. Thank you! xx

[Jibralta]

One of the reasons I stuck around was that when I worked with him, I had to communicate for work purposes

 

I think that everyday work communication worked against you.

 

It worked against me when I dated someone at my job. I wanted to get rid of him in the worst way. He wasn't abusive, but he was no good. Something would happen to piss me off when we had plans, and I'd think, "That's it. I'm done with this guy." But then I'd go into work the next day and he'd be there, literally right across from me. And we had to get along because we weren't supposed to be dating. Nobody knew. So, then I'd spend the whole day being nice to this dude. And he was nice back. So, I'd forget my anger within a day or two and we'd go out again! It went on like that for like 8 months. It was really annoying.

 

I think a similar reinforcement happened to you. But you're out of that job now, so take this chance to escape!!!

[Lady D]

Dear all, thank you very much

I have escaped yes, thankfully, Jibralta, thanks for the identification!

And thank you all others for your kind words and help in getting out of the victim mindset

I'm pleased to say I am seeing a Counsellor on Tuesday who specialises in this sort of thing so was very lucky and she lives nearby

Looking forward to my first session, thanks for the nudge!

Love, Lady D XXX

[boltnrun]

Dear all, thank you very much

I have escaped yes, thankfully, Jibralta, thanks for the identification!

And thank you all others for your kind words and help in getting out of the victim mindset

I'm pleased to say I am seeing a Counsellor on Tuesday who specialises in this sort of thing so was very lucky and she lives nearby

Looking forward to my first session, thanks for the nudge!

Love, Lady D XXX

 

That's terrific. I think you will find it very beneficial and helpful and a positive experience.

 

Just remember...do not hold back. Tell the counselor everything. Do not minimize in an attempt to make him look "not that bad". If you're not honest with the counselor they cannot help you.

[Lady D]

That's terrific. I think you will find it very beneficial and helpful and a positive experience.

 

Just remember...do not hold back. Tell the counselor everything. Do not minimize in an attempt to make him look "not that bad". If you're not honest with the counselor they cannot help you.

 

Yes, I'll spill it all out, I really appreciate the encouragement I got on here, I did have to keep it a secret much of the time especially when I was working with him, so I'm pleased about this, I'll let you know how it goes

I think it'll really help

thank you too for the " he's not that bad " tip, I'll make the effort to tell it how it really is and was, XX

[Cherylyn]

Thank you Cherlyn, I'm touched by all of your kindness, yes I can be too much of a soft touch and see the good in people too easily at times

Gut instinct told me right away he was bad news but for some reason I went back

I think an awful part of it, was, if he's so crazy nobody else would want to be with him, so then he might stay with me and never leave me, from what I can remember at the time, which is crazy, I had very low self-esteem then

He also said he was a devout Christian as well, I've learnt now, just because somebody is a Christian doesn't mean they are not screwed up in the head

Thanks, yes, I no longer wish to be a fool or a pushover or played by him any longer, I definitely don't want to get in touch now

I wouldn't be safe

Appreciate your kind words XXX

 

You sound like a very polite, gracious lady, Lady D. I commend and admire you for it. That being said, unfortunately, when you're very nice, wrong people take advantage of your kindness. This is the dark side of human nature especially manipulative types or bad people who use others in order to meet their own ends. They'll use you to benefit from you always. Beware because you'll always lose due to your naivete with all due respect.

 

It is very honorable of you to see the good in people. My grandma taught me that. I too, like to see the good in people, however, my mother taught me NOT to ignore the BAD in people otherwise you'll be a sucker. It pays to be street smart and to have since graduated from the school of hard knocks. Live and learn from bad, negative experiences because it's those bad experiences with bad people which will teach you how to navigate yourself more shrewdly from this day forward.

 

Remember, trust is earned. Whenever people don't earn your trust in them, something inside you got up and left permanently. Something inside your soul dies. Distrust feels like betrayal, deceit and being lied to and it's impossible to recover from. The relationship is dead.

 

Don't feel sorry for others. Everyone has to take care of themselves, give themselves respect and others respect. Whenever cardinal rules of human decency are irrevocably broken, it's a real permanent deal breaker. It's over and it's time to walk.

 

So what if he's a devout Christian? Apparently, he does not walk the talk. Being a Christian means to be conscientious about possessing Christ like behavior. (Respect, humility, common decency, common courtesy, integrity, etc.)

 

Think smart. Wise up. This is how you grow your backbone, become strong and tough. It's called your own survival skills in this world. Protect yourself always. Better safe than sorry.

[Lady D]

Thank you Cherylyn, I like the wisdom you've been lovingly handed down from the ladies in your family

Appreciate what you've written, it was very helpful to me, the validation, yes impossible to recover from

I do feel much better now than I did, having left and walked life does seem to definitely be getting better

Feeling less guilt and shame now, a lot of self-blame gone

I always thought that about the Christian thing, it was very weird

I'm looking out for me now, I will not get into this situation again

Much love to you, Lady D XXX