Ex Wife Moving In With Alcoholic

[RayRay63]

A men’s group.

 

So, the guy is trying to deal with stuff and improve himself?

[Skeptic76]

So, the guy is trying to deal with stuff and improve himself?

 

It’s my opinion that we are all always making choices which we believe will improve our lives. Like, nobody does something thinking “this will make my life worse...”

 

That said, some people’s best thinking appears to others to be very self-destructive and selfish. If I had to describe this guy’s current mode of life I guess I would dub it “downward spiral punctuated by brief moments of improvement to get the heat off.”

[RayRay63]

If I had to describe this guy’s current mode of life I guess I would dub it “downward spiral punctuated by brief moments of improvement to get the heat off.”

 

Can't say I'd be happy about my 12yo girl being in his house then.

 

I think the best suggestion above was, you go away overnight and tell the ex to visit her at your place.

 

The 18yo is going to make his own arrangements anyway; he always has the option to hang at home with her that weekend.

[Skeptic76]

Just got off the phone with ex wife. I just let her know I was uncomfortable and asked if her man was currently sober. I listened and asked a few follow questions based on her responses.

 

She says he is sober for “I don’t know, a couple of months” which is either a lie or she’s in denial because I’ve personally sat down with this guy while he was wasted more recently than that.

 

The place is a 3 bedroom apartment and the brother is now out. So it’s currently occupied by the new boyfriend and his dad. Daughter will have her own room which would be shared with her brother if he stays there too.

 

This situation feels like a repeat of three years ago when mom and her new heroin addict boyfriend rented a room together after just meeting. A few weeks later he was found dead of OD by the owner of the house. I’m not exactly confident that “THIS time things are really different...” lol

 

So next month’s court date takes on a new flavor.

[Skeptic76]

I’m reading what I just typed like “I can’t believe this is true and this is part of my personal life experience.” 😳

[abitbroken]

Just got off the phone with ex wife. I just let her know I was uncomfortable and asked if her man was currently sober. I listened and asked a few follow questions based on her responses.

 

She says he is sober for “I don’t know, a couple of months” which is either a lie or she’s in denial because I’ve personally sat down with this guy while he was wasted more recently than that.

 

The place is a 3 bedroom apartment and the brother is now out. So it’s currently occupied by the new boyfriend and his dad. Daughter will have her own room which would be shared with her brother if he stays there too.

 

This situation feels like a repeat of three years ago when mom and her new heroin addict boyfriend rented a room together after just meeting. A few weeks later he was found dead of OD by the owner of the house. I’m not exactly confident that “THIS time things are really different...” lol

 

So next month’s court date takes on a new flavor.

 

It would be a no go for me.

 

1) Your daughter no way, no how should sleep were there are 2 unrelated men.

2) Your daughter in no way should share a room with her brother. A parent has to have separate beds/separate rooms for opposite sex teens in most custody situations.

 

If this were MOM's home that she owned and boyfriend occasionally spent the night with daughter there, you might not have much a say, but this stuation is dicey.

 

You can't prove sobriety in court, but you can object to your daughter staying overnight with two men she is not related to.

[Wiseman2]

Excellent you voiced your concerns. Unfortunately she seems stubborn and in denial so it may be best to stick by your kids as you have been. They are luck to have you but they are innocent kids so may not grasp the unseemly nature of their mother or the situations she puts herself and your kids in. It's frightening to have a 12 y/o girl in that set up with the drunk and his dad.

Just got off the phone with ex wife. I just let her know I was uncomfortable and asked if her man was currently sober. She says he is sober for “I don’t know, a couple of months” which is either a lie or she’s in denial because I’ve personally sat down with this guy while he was wasted more recently than that. The place is a 3 bedroom apartment and the brother is now out. So it’s currently occupied by the new boyfriend and his dad.

[reinventmyself]

It would be a no go for me.

 

1) Your daughter no way, no how should sleep were there are 2 unrelated men.

2) Your daughter in no way should share a room with her brother. A parent has to have separate beds/separate rooms for opposite sex teens in most custody situations.

 

If this were MOM's home that she owned and boyfriend occasionally spent the night with daughter there, you might not have much a say, but this stuation is dicey.

 

You can't prove sobriety in court, but you can object to your daughter staying overnight with two men she is not related to.

Agreed.

This isn't even debatable. Though a courts place is to debate it.

 

There is no way in Haiti's I'd permit my kids to live under these circumstances. Not as long as I have a say . . and you have one. Especially in light of the previous experiences. I think a judge or mediator will be very interested in your take on this.

[ThatwasThen]

Skeptic:

 

Good luck. You are a good dad who has his children's best interests in mind at all times by all accounts. Personally, I wouldn't be allowing any sleep overs to take place until your daughter is old enough to protect herself physically and emotionally from the dysfunction. Day visits only.

[Skeptic76]

At this point if I obey the law, then they will be staying over every other weekend. That’s how the current judgement stands.

 

As wiseman observed my daughter has no idea how “unseemly” this is...she’s all pumped up with the infatuation phase of her mom’s new relationship and promises of getting a cat at the new place.

 

My son is vaguely aware of his mom’s shortcomings in the responsibility category, but loves her dearly and is fiercely loyal. Like I said, he’s a good kid with a great heart. For the time being he is saying he will stay over there too on my daughter’s nights there.

 

For now I have the option to 1. Take the pending court date off the calendar and leave custody as it is detailed above or 2. Go in there and push to remove her four nights per month of visitation. I’m sleeping on it but hearing is set for Jan 8 so time is limited.

[Skeptic76]

And to clarify the move hasn’t happened as of tonight, but seems inevitable

[ThatwasThen]

Your son is 18 and hopefully will keep a watchful eye out for his sister.

[reinventmyself]

And to clarify the move hasn’t happened as of tonight, but seems inevitable

It's a risky move on her part seeing you two have an appointment with a mediator pending.

She's likely going to play her cards close to her chest. I think the timing in all of this is in your favor.

[abitbroken]

At this point if I obey the law, then they will be staying over every other weekend. That’s how the current judgement stands.

 

As wiseman observed my daughter has no idea how “unseemly” this is...she’s all pumped up with the infatuation phase of her mom’s new relationship and promises of getting a cat at the new place.

 

My son is vaguely aware of his mom’s shortcomings in the responsibility category, but loves her dearly and is fiercely loyal. Like I said, he’s a good kid with a great heart. For the time being he is saying he will stay over there too on my daughter’s nights there.

 

For now I have the option to 1. Take the pending court date off the calendar and leave custody as it is detailed above or 2. Go in there and push to remove her four nights per month of visitation. I’m sleeping on it but hearing is set for Jan 8 so time is limited.

 

I would put stipulations on her four nights a month - that if she chooses to live with boyfriend and his dad that daughter cannot spend the night there. Can she spend the night with her daughter at grandma and grandpa's or are you willing to sleep elsewhere 4 nights a month and have her come to your home? If she is living by herself so long as boyfriend is not there the same night as daughter, with blood relatives or with a female roommate she is allowed.

 

Be clear that you are not keeping her from mom, but from two men who are strangers to you and at least one has an alcohol issue.

[Skeptic76]

I think I’m going to get flamed but I’m going to be honest anyway:

 

I prayed and meditated and asked around and I decided I’m going to cancel the upcoming court date. I’m not going to increase her parenting time, but I’m not going to attempt to put limitations on her current weekends.

 

At this point I don’t have the means to move out twice a month from my place. I make decent money but as a single father I have to keep close track of the dollars that come in and eating out & hotels twice a month are not an option. I could probably couch surf most of the weekends but I’m not willing to rely on that for a regular arrangement.

 

My son is a fierce protector for his sister. My daughter is sharp and strong. I actually just decided to broach the move in an age appropriate manner and call out some things to be aware of in the new circumstances. I asked them to keep their heads on straight, and to be careful. We talked about getting in the car with people who have been drinking (even if they are grownups who are mad that you won’t do it.) We talked about again about sexual abuse and defending yourself and making sure that it’s vital to let me or another trusted grownup know IMMEDIATELY if something is ever attempted.

 

If I find out there is even one dangerous or inappropriate incident I know how to file an emergency injunction.

 

I understand that it is the opinion of some that this makes me neglectful, but they haven’t been with me all these years of being the full-time, full custody parent. They haven’t seen the hard work I’ve put in to make sure they had braces, got school projects done, made it to practice, camp, etc. I’m not neglectful. I’ve always been there for my kids, and I’m going to trust in the foundation I've done my utmost to provide them. I’m going to have faith that the same Power that’s kept us together and healthy so far will continue to do so.

 

Your prayers, well-wishes, constructive criticisms and your support are all appreciated. I’ll post an update if and when the new living arrangements take effect for their mom.

[Skeptic76]

Your son is 18 and hopefully will keep a watchful eye out for his sister.

 

He’s always been a caring and protective big bro 💙

[reinventmyself]

So, in the event that something goes wrong and the kids get hurt, how will you feel?

[ThatwasThen]

The same as any of us would feel, I'm sure.

 

I think Op's son will keep an eye out for his sister and if the alcoholic is causing any sort of emotional/physical/sexual impropriety then he will be calling his father right away.

 

I also think that the Op is making sure that his children know that they must let him know of anything that is upsetting to them and he's doing his best to make sure that their mother is in their life and that he's not perceived as keeping them away from their mother... who the children love.

[reinventmyself]

The same as any of us would feel, I'm sure.

 

I think Op's son will keep an eye out for his sister and if the alcoholic is causing any sort of emotional/physical/sexual impropriety then he will be calling his father right away.

.

 

Just curious, TwT. Do have children? You state - " the same as any of us would feel"?

 

As much as I respect the right he has to handle his situation as he sees fit, I have children and I would never turn my back on a situation where my teenage daughter might be at risk of 'any sort of emotional/physical/sexual impropriety' and instead defer that responsibility to an 18 year old brother. By the time the boy calls his father, it's a phone call too late, IMO

 

. . .And certainly not if I have the opportunity to circumvent the risk.

[ThatwasThen]

Just curious, TwT. Do have children? You state - " the same as any of us would feel"?

Yes and grandchildren.

 

As much as I respect the right he has to handle his situation as he sees fit, I have children and I would never turn my back on a situation where my teenage daughter might be at risk of 'any sort of emotional/physical/sexual impropriety' and instead defer that responsibility to an 18 year old brother.

Uhm... he's not "turning his back" on any of it though. There is no indication at this point that there will be any impropriety if an 18 year old can be drafted to fight and kill at war, I'm sure he is old enough to keep a watchful eye out for his sister every other weekend.

 

By the time the boy calls his father, it's a phone call too late, IMO

911 first, dad next.

 

. . .And certainly not if I have the opportunity to circumvent the risk.

I think they will be fine and if there is anything to worry about, op's son will alert dad before anything detrimental happens.

 

No point, IMO causing the children not to spend time with a mother they clearly want in their life. She, as far as we know, is not an alcoholic and if Op has alerted his ex wife to his concerns, she will also be on high alert.

 

I do hope that the Op has a sit down with both his children about not being afraid to come to him if the alcoholics everyday decorum is a concern/troubling to them.

 

 

I’m waiting until after Christmas (this is the first time in many years that the kids are going to be with their mom for the holiday, no need to taint it by possibly putting her into defensive mode days before) and then I’m going to meet with her and ask some questions to better understand the situation, lay out any concerns I have and then just listen. Once I hear her out and get a better understanding of the landscape then I will be able to reassess and take any indicated action.

Did you have that talk with her yet, Skeptic? Any new developments or concerns?

[boltnrun]

I wouldn't require the 18 year old to be a watchdog for his sister.

 

Most 18 year olds have friends and active social lives. Requiring him to forgo social events with his friends to guard his sister is unfair.

 

My parents divorced and my father wanted to spend his weekend nights at the bar. So when I had visitation with him he would force my 17 year old half brother to miss school dances and football games to stay home and babysit me. To say he was resentful would be an understatement.

 

OP, you aren't going to ask this of your son, correct?

[ThatwasThen]

I don't think Op is asking his son to stay home and babysit or forego other activities. If he has any friends where his mother lives (doubtful since she keeps moving lol) then certainly he could invite them to his mother's home for a night of video games or whatever it is they may be into. It is every other weekend. Besides, I would surmise that the Op's ex will want to spend time with her children and not go out boozing when she has such little time with them as it is.. also a situation where we shall see, I suppose but there is no indication at this point that she will leave the son to babysit while she goes out boozing with buddy.

 

Your situation, Bolt isn't what has (at least at this point anyway) taken place at the Op's wife's place. Time will tell I suppose if what happened with your brother, will happen with the op's son in which case, Op seems cognizant enough to take some action to stop it.

[reinventmyself]

Given the ripe circumstances, I wouldn't be waiting for something to happen and then trying to handle damage control after the fact .

 

I would be proactive with my children. IMO, that's my job as a parent.

 

He did come here concerned about his children's safety after all.

And he had an appointment with a mediator before any of this came to light. . and then chooses to cancel.

 

I just don't get it.

[ThatwasThen]

Yes, your point is understood.

 

He, the op, has decided to broach the subject with their mother and will re-evaluate if need be. If the kids were both underage, I would be as concerned as you are and I was in the beginning until I see that there is an adult son going to be with his underaged sister. At this point I see no reason to be a concerned as you are. Op after talking with his wife finds it to be as nefarious as you do, is smart enough to do what he needs to do.

[reinventmyself]

This situation feels like a repeat of three years ago when mom and her new heroin addict boyfriend rented a room together after just meeting. A few weeks later he was found dead of OD by the owner of the house. I’m not exactly confident that “THIS time things are really different...” lol

 

I thought this might be a good time to reread this snippet from earlier in the same thread.

 

Yet, most of the responsibility for the daughters safety is now placed on the boy who just turned 18 on paper a couple days ago?

 

It certainly doesn't look like Mom has her children's best interest. And they are merely given talks by Dad on how to handle emergency situations?

 

Sorry, I don't mean to bash Dad. I am cheering him on. He seems thoughtful, rational and decent.

We just have differing ideas about parenting . . . and I'm concerned for the kids. Neither parent seems to be making them a priority.