Advice needed - she's hot and cold and ignores me

[jsinclair89]

Wait I know... "I was just curious, just looking, etc."

 

hi, sorry for late reply! I was travelling to South America for the first time and she said we should swap contact details as she used to live there and would give me her recommendations. That was it.

[jsinclair89]

Or "I was feeling neglected and just wanted some attention". Blaming the girlfriend.

 

No, wasn't feeling neglected at all!

[jsinclair89]

The highlighted part is key - how did she come across this info????????

If you are still watching this thread OP, this is important information.

I don't advocate spying on someone else's private property. Did she snoop through your stuff?

Or, did you come out and tell her?

 

She asked why I was following someone on social media and I said it's because I was speaking to someone to get travel communications and tips. Even offered to call up the person in question in front of my gf to get the truth out

[jsinclair89]

she also messaged me today, saying we will have to reschedule meeting up until after Christmas because she's got to work longer now

[bluecastle]

I'm confused here. Were the photos and videos this woman sent you related to South America, or were they flirtatious and suggestive?

[ninjabib]

Yeah i'm a little confused. This girl swopped numbers with you to provide information on a vacation? What's so bad about that?

 

What exactrly happened that made your gf think you cheated? Did you ask for nudes etc?

[Wiseman2]

Leave her alone. Your efforts are not working and she for some reason does not want to minimize it or get together to hear more about it.

Even offered to call up the person in question in front of my gf to get the truth out

[boltnrun]

hi, sorry for late reply! I was travelling to South America for the first time and she said we should swap contact details as she used to live there and would give me her recommendations. That was it.

 

Where did you meet her?

[jsinclair89]

Where did you meet her?

 

she was on the same flight as me

[jsinclair89]

Yeah i'm a little confused. This girl swopped numbers with you to provide information on a vacation? What's so bad about that?

 

What exactrly happened that made your gf think you cheated? Did you ask for nudes etc?

 

no i never asked for nudes. she sent them unsolicited. must have assumed i was up for it because i never said i had a girlfriend

[bluecastle]

Reading between the lines I can’t help but think that your gf already had a read on you as a guy with porous borders—a guy who “forgets” to mention his gf in such moments. Hence: she’s a close reader of your social media feed, of new additions—paranoid stuff, though perhaps not without merit?

 

Anyhow, I’d look at this as a learning experience to grow from more than something to wrangle back, hard as that might be right now. Relationships with that edge of suspicion tend to have a shelf life, especially when someone who is already on edge sees a random woman sensing her bf nude photos.

[ninjabib]

she was on the same flight as me

 

Have you shown your girlfriend the chat/text history showing that in no way you have asked for these nudes? If so i struggle to see how shes blaming you for being sent something you haven't asked for.

 

If this is the case and she knows you have not encouraged nudes then i'd suggest she's been thinking about leaving you for a while inside and was just waiting for you to do something that gave her excuse to leave.

 

Combined with her not having the decency to end it officially but continue to play games there is more to this than you think in my opinion.

[RayRay63]

 

re no contact... that to me feels like gameplaying. i

 

It is game playing if you do it merely as a device to get someone back.

 

It is smart if you do it to heal, improve, and move on.

 

In the end it doesn't matter why you start it, as long as you stick to it.

 

You have already told this lady how you feel. If she wants to contact you she will.

 

There best way to get her attention back, is to withdraw yours.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry, you're toast.🍞

no i never asked for nudes. she sent them unsolicited. must have assumed i was up for it because i never said i had a girlfriend

[jsinclair89]

Reading between the lines I can’t help but think that your gf already had a read on you as a guy with porous borders—a guy who “forgets” to mention his gf in such moments. Hence: she’s a close reader of your social media feed, of new additions—paranoid stuff, though perhaps not without merit?

 

Anyhow, I’d look at this as a learning experience to grow from more than something to wrangle back, hard as that might be right now. Relationships with that edge of suspicion tend to have a shelf life, especially when someone who is already on edge sees a random woman sensing her bf nude photos.

 

hi thanks again for all the honest posts . i understand that this is a much needed learning experience and she probably was suspicious anyway for whatever reason... once trust is broken it is hard to regain . however, to play devil's advocate ... and at the risk of 'not taking responsibility'... people break up and reconcile all the time. people make mistakes and although at the time seem unforgivable ,it all works out well over a period of time .

 

hence, whilst i appreciate all the honest comments and people tellng me i am toast, how this relationship is done because i made mistakes etc etc... my goal here is to be with her .

 

also thanks for the clarification re no contact and i now realise it isn't gameplaying.

 

JS.

[jsinclair89]

Have you shown your girlfriend the chat/text history showing that in no way you have asked for these nudes? If so i struggle to see how shes blaming you for being sent something you haven't asked for.

 

If this is the case and she knows you have not encouraged nudes then i'd suggest she's been thinking about leaving you for a while inside and was just waiting for you to do something that gave her excuse to leave.

 

Combined with her not having the decency to end it officially but continue to play games there is more to this than you think in my opinion.

 

no i deleted the mesages foolishly . and yes , i am fully aware this looks bad.

 

it is an interesting point you make about her wanting to leave me for a while . . seems a bit odd as we had the best relationship and were talking about marriage and children. but i guess if she was looking for something for a while... then mybe you may be right. if a cop follows you on the highway for a long time, they'll eventually find something to give you a ticket for...

[ninjabib]

OK so that puts a different spin on it. If you deleted everything she sent you then how does she know about the nudes?

[teeEFc]

OK so that puts a different spin on it. If you deleted everything she sent you then how does she know about the nudes?

 

BINGO!

I was JUST about to write the same response.

How does she know about the nudes if you deleted everything?

I think ppl on here are grilling you because we want to help you as best as we can.

If something isn't adding up, ppl are going to inquire because we can't give you advice if something is amiss.

 

If you deleted everything and she's going on a hunch about you, then yes, what other posters said about her being insecure etc and wanting to break up with you and having some sort of confirmation bias will definitely be apparent.

However, if she did see nudes on your phone, but you NOW can't explain it due to them being deleted, then that's an entirely different ball of whacks for advice.

 

I understand you want to reconcile with this person.

You have to ask yourself why?

You may have had a lot of AMAZING times, but the problem is this situation demonstrates a lot of character traits in your ex partner AND in you.

Are you guys both ready to go at it again in your respective state of minds?

Like I already suggested - your best bet to get her back is to IMPROVE on yourself.

She may come back after months - but that's a big maybe.

You should reflect on what caused this upheaval and move forward.

You can't force someone to see something a different way if they aren't willing to listen to another viewpoint. I learned that the hard way.

Take your experiences and transfer them into your next relationship.

[jsinclair89]

BINGO!

I was JUST about to write the same response.

How does she know about the nudes if you deleted everything?

I think ppl on here are grilling you because we want to help you as best as we can.

If something isn't adding up, ppl are going to inquire because we can't give you advice if something is amiss.

 

If you deleted everything and she's going on a hunch about you, then yes, what other posters said about her being insecure etc and wanting to break up with you and having some sort of confirmation bias will definitely be apparent.

However, if she did see nudes on your phone, but you NOW can't explain it due to them being deleted, then that's an entirely different ball of whacks for advice.

 

I understand you want to reconcile with this person.

You have to ask yourself why?

You may have had a lot of AMAZING times, but the problem is this situation demonstrates a lot of character traits in your ex partner AND in you.

Are you guys both ready to go at it again in your respective state of minds?

Like I already suggested - your best bet to get her back is to IMPROVE on yourself.

She may come back after months - but that's a big maybe.

You should reflect on what caused this upheaval and move forward.

You can't force someone to see something a different way if they aren't willing to listen to another viewpoint. I learned that the hard way.

Take your experiences and transfer them into your next relationship.

 

thank yu for taking the time to post. i know i did myself no favors in deleting the messages but they were saved to my automatically when i opened it, then she found it. btw it wasn't a nude, it was a flirty pic .

 

i agree i cant force someone to think in a different way . all i can do is be open and honest and see where it gets me . there is a widerpicture here and i am seeing a therapist in order to understand myself better.

 

i have had enough relationships to know the different feeling when one still has life in it, despite being over . breakups in the past have been painful like ripping off a band-aid, and i have been really sad, but always knew that things weren't right etc and i'd move on. this feels different . i have never had conversations about marriage, children, moving into an apartment together apart from with her .

 

its exciting to focus on myself as a project and to know i am taking steps to improve , but it is also scary

[boltnrun]

You had some underlying reason for exchanging numbers with that woman and concealing you had a girlfriend. You're not admitting it, but there's no other explanation. I'm guessing you didn't tell your girlfriend you exchanged numbers with that woman for the same reason; you didn't want her to know.

 

BTW, that isn't a "mistake". Those were deliberate actions.

 

Perhaps you aren't actually ready or wanting marriage and children and this was your way of showing it. You just didn't expect to get caught, you thought you could have some fun conversations and your girlfriend would never know. Some secret fun.

 

Anyway, back off. If your ex wants to talk about reconciling she'll let you know.

[bluecastle]

she probably was suspicious anyway for whatever reason

 

It's not mysterious, this stuff. It's generally either one of two things—or, quite often, a combination of two things. Those things being:

 

1. Someone is insecure, suspicious, and paranoid by nature, searching for signs that the person they're with is up to no good. Some people bring this to the table on the first date, and it becomes part of the glue of a relationship, surfacing in behavior like monitoring social media pages, making quips about "Who's texting you?", and so forth. These things can feel almost affectionate, until they're just annoying.

 

2. Someone is dating someone who is not fully committed, has a wandering eye, a thirst for low-octane validation from the opposite sex, is a touch shady and slippery, which can surface in behavior like "suddenly" getting flirty pics from random women whom they "forgot" to clearly explain or convey their relationship status.

 

Where 1 and 2 combine? Insecure and suspicious people are generally drawn to shady types, for starers, because it allows them to confirm preexisting ideas about romance, finding thorny and spicy comfort in the very thing that makes them most uncomfortable. And slippery and shady types are often drawn to insecure people, since more confident and self-possessed people don't have much patience for shadiness.

 

You know yourself, her, and your relationship, better than we do. From what you've offered, I can spin this all sorts of ways. There is, being a frank, a vagueness to the way you describe things that I can't help but wonder is familiar to her—a passive, slippery texture to your presentation of things. Hard to pin down, a sense that there is just a bit more to the story that's not being revealed. That's frustrating in a vacuum, and really frustrating when it's about the random woman sending random photos out of nowhere.

 

You want her back—cool. It does happen, might happen here. Whether it does or doesn't, though, I'd reflect a bit, try to figure out what's up with the way you chose to handle things with the woman. I'll call myself out and say that I've done things like that in the past, and the reason was always simple. It's that I didn't take my girlfriend or my relationship all that seriously, which is to say I didn't yet take partnership seriously or take myself seriously as a partner. I was a youngish dude, wholly unimpressive in the ways of many youngish dudes. I had some growing up to do, lessons learned in the wake of some dunce-like behavior inside relationships built on fraught and fragile foundations.

 

Back off for now, reflect, see what comes. This is a good time to get honest with yourself, so you can be honest with her if it works out, or others if not.

[ninjabib]

Yes this is muddied, i refer back to my original advice ;carry on with your life, assume shes gone, who knows theres a 5% chance she might come back but factor in that she wont. Meet new women,move on.

[Wiseman2]

You know why you were hiding this....and so does she.

i know i did myself no favors in deleting the messages but they were saved to my automatically when i opened it, then she found it. btw it wasn't a nude, it was a flirty pic .

[jsinclair89]

It's not mysterious, this stuff. It's generally either one of two things—or, quite often, a combination of two things. Those things being:

 

1. Someone is insecure, suspicious, and paranoid by nature, searching for signs that the person they're with is up to no good. Some people bring this to the table on the first date, and it becomes part of the glue of a relationship, surfacing in behavior like monitoring social media pages, making quips about "Who's texting you?", and so forth. These things can feel almost affectionate, until they're just annoying.

 

2. Someone is dating someone who is not fully committed, has a wandering eye, a thirst for low-octane validation from the opposite sex, is a touch shady and slippery, which can surface in behavior like "suddenly" getting flirty pics from random women whom they "forgot" to clearly explain or convey their relationship status.

 

Where 1 and 2 combine? Insecure and suspicious people are generally drawn to shady types, for starers, because it allows them to confirm preexisting ideas about romance, finding thorny and spicy comfort in the very thing that makes them most uncomfortable. And slippery and shady types are often drawn to insecure people, since more confident and self-possessed people don't have much patience for shadiness.

 

You know yourself, her, and your relationship, better than we do. From what you've offered, I can spin this all sorts of ways. There is, being a frank, a vagueness to the way you describe things that I can't help but wonder is familiar to her—a passive, slippery texture to your presentation of things. Hard to pin down, a sense that there is just a bit more to the story that's not being revealed. That's frustrating in a vacuum, and really frustrating when it's about the random woman sending random photos out of nowhere.

 

You want her back—cool. It does happen, might happen here. Whether it does or doesn't, though, I'd reflect a bit, try to figure out what's up with the way you chose to handle things with the woman. I'll call myself out and say that I've done things like that in the past, and the reason was always simple. It's that I didn't take my girlfriend or my relationship all that seriously, which is to say I didn't yet take partnership seriously or take myself seriously as a partner. I was a youngish dude, wholly unimpressive in the ways of many youngish dudes. I had some growing up to do, lessons learned in the wake of some dunce-like behavior inside relationships built on fraught and fragile foundations.

 

Back off for now, reflect, see what comes. This is a good time to get honest with yourself, so you can be honest with her if it works out, or others if not.

 

hey buddy thanks for taking the time to come back with a comprehensive response. yes, you're right , i am being rather vague on here for obvious reasons... this is a public platform and i don't wanna risk it! you are right... my behavior has been immature and i have made a journal writing down all my mistakes to try and look at the bigger picture. we haven't spoken today and i will leave it like that. i am keeping myself busy by seeing all my buddies.

[jsinclair89]

Yes this is muddied, i refer back to my original advice ;carry on with your life, assume shes gone, who knows theres a 5% chance she might come back but factor in that she wont. Meet new women,move on.

 

thanks . 5% aren't good odds but just gotta deal with it.

 

JS