ninjabib Posted December 23, 2019 Share Posted December 23, 2019 Depends on what she says and if she's still seeing another man or not. Link to comment
jsinclair89 Posted December 23, 2019 Author Share Posted December 23, 2019 Depends on what she says and if she's still seeing another man or not. it will be just something general like 'merry christmas' or 'happy new year' Link to comment
ninjabib Posted December 23, 2019 Share Posted December 23, 2019 Ignore it. If it's not about reconciliation or moving towards that it does not deserve a response. Link to comment
RayRay63 Posted December 23, 2019 Share Posted December 23, 2019 I agree - if it is just a happy Xmas, don't bother. If she asks you a question about something - short polite answer, that terminates the exchange. Do not initiate any communication, or stalk her SM, or ask her friends about her, etc. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted December 23, 2019 Share Posted December 23, 2019 Yikes! She may read it...or toss it. She may respond..or not. So when you send something off like that not only does it make people's eye's roll she will show it to all her people to prove how pathetic you are being. Do you really want written proof of that in her hands? It no doubt will go on about how you just wanted travel tips and her friends will laugh at that calling you a player who she should just delete...forever. In the meantime it may inspire her to sleep with the new guy because you are becoming so unattractive sending self-serving nonsense like those letters. Once you send rubbish like that off you are immediately in a position of waiting and wondering . "What if she didn't get it? Will she respond? When will she respond?", etc etc etc. it's human nature to be curious at receiving a letter and at least read it. plus, considering she still loves me, she will be intrigued as to why i am writing and what is the content of the letter. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted December 23, 2019 Share Posted December 23, 2019 "so that means she is a genuine hypocritical scumbag who has cheated..." And yet you still want her back? Why? And please not "because I LOVE her!!!" There has to be a better reason than that. Link to comment
RayRay63 Posted December 23, 2019 Share Posted December 23, 2019 The OP said this on page 1 - I just want to say it “one more time” and carry on saying it hoping it will go down well for a change... but in reality I doubt it would. So I won’t contact her... what do I do if she does message me though? Surely she will want to message me as it will be clear that I’m pulling away... and this would come as a surprise to her??? He wants her back so that he can, in effect, score a victory and get her to back down. Where the relationship would go after that is unclear. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted December 23, 2019 Share Posted December 23, 2019 She broke up with him for trying to pick up women and sexting them. Then she started dating someone she described as 'loyal', however when they hooked up once she had not yet slept with the new man so she is not cheating on anyone and had the decency to end it beforehand. He doesn't love her at all. If he did why is he lying to other women, trying to pick them up and sexting them? It's an ego game, just like getting the airplane chick to send him nudes and "forgetting" to mention he has a gf... He likes pushing the envelop with women...how far can he get? How much can he get away with? etc. Has zero to do with love. Has to do with ego and entitlement. "so that means she is a genuine hypocritical scumbag who has cheated...And please not "because I LOVE her!!!" Link to comment
bluecastle Posted December 23, 2019 Share Posted December 23, 2019 I don't see much point in writing the letter. I do see a point in challenging yourself to really explore your instincts behind it, however. Look a little harder at all this, and harder at your own self, and I think you'd see that gesture as an attempt to convince her—and yourself—that this thin, volatile, and immature connection is more profound than it actually is. That there is real meat on the bone, so to speak, as opposed to just a picked-over bone that offers no nourishment to either of you. Zoom out a bit and I think the story here—from the moment you exchanged numbers with the woman to this present second—is the story of a weak, unhealthy, ego-driven connection revealing itself to be exactly that. Always sad, often painful, these moments. But if it was stronger, healthier? If either of you genuinely believed in your connection and respected it? Well, you just wouldn't be wearing the shoes you're now wearing because each of you would be making, and would have made, drastically different choices than the choices you've made. At this point it's almost as if you're each only able to take this seriously—or at least feel some powerful feelings—in the wake of behavior that sabotages things. The airplane woman: that was sabotage, shadiness. Her reaction to that and behavior since: same thing. Everything is getting shadier and shadier, sabotage begetting sabotage. It says a lot about who you guys are, together, as well as who you are at this juncture in your life. Only you know the full history here—the boyfriend you've been, the girlfriend she's been—but if I were you I'd be looking at how much of this whole thing was built in the shade and maybe taking it all as cue to seek sunlight. I'd ask the simple question of: If this connection is so strong and special and worth taking seriously, why is it that each of you are so bent on sabotaging it? Link to comment
jsinclair89 Posted December 23, 2019 Author Share Posted December 23, 2019 I don't see much point in writing the letter. I do see a point in challenging yourself to really explore your instincts behind it, however. Look a little harder at all this, and harder at your own self, and I think you'd see that gesture as an attempt to convince her—and yourself—that this thin, volatile, and immature connection is more profound than it actually is. That there is real meat on the bone, so to speak, as opposed to just a picked-over bone that offers no nourishment to either of you. Zoom out a bit and I think the story here—from the moment you exchanged numbers with the woman to this present second—is the story of a weak, unhealthy, ego-driven connection revealing itself to be exactly that. Always sad, often painful, these moments. But if it was stronger, healthier? If either of you genuinely believed in your connection and respected it? Well, you just wouldn't be wearing the shoes you're now wearing because each of you would be making, and would have made, drastically different choices than the choices you've made. At this point it's almost as if you're each only able to take this seriously—or at least feel some powerful feelings—in the wake of behavior that sabotages things. The airplane woman: that was sabotage, shadiness. Her reaction to that and behavior since: same thing. Everything is getting shadier and shadier, sabotage begetting sabotage. It says a lot about who you guys are, together, as well as who you are at this juncture in your life. Only you know the full history here—the boyfriend you've been, the girlfriend she's been—but if I were you I'd be looking at how much of this whole thing was built in the shade and maybe taking it all as cue to seek sunlight. I'd ask the simple question of: If this connection is so strong and special and worth taking seriously, why is it that each of you are so bent on sabotaging it? hi, thanks for your comment. i understand what you're saying - take a step back and see it for what it is. however, the thing i am confused about is how i have made mistakes which were immature, childish and based on frivolous behavior which has landed me in this situation... but why is she behaving the way she is? it seems odd that her reaction is to punish me to incessantly... 'and eye for an eye' etc... i sabotaged the initial relationship through naivety. my friend who i was on holiday said to me 'oh she seems to like you' and my response was 'oh really? ahh well she's not my type at all, you know this' and it was honest. silly behavior really to result in sabotage. i do know the full story here - i believe i have been a great boyfriend apart from this slip. i've always got her back and she always had mine. we have never had feelings like this for another person, yet here we find ourselves. js Link to comment
jsinclair89 Posted December 23, 2019 Author Share Posted December 23, 2019 She broke up with him for trying to pick up women and sexting them. Then she started dating someone she described as 'loyal', however when they hooked up once she had not yet slept with the new man so she is not cheating on anyone and had the decency to end it beforehand. He doesn't love her at all. If he did why is he lying to other women, trying to pick them up and sexting them? It's an ego game, just like getting the airplane chick to send him nudes and "forgetting" to mention he has a gf... He likes pushing the envelop with women...how far can he get? How much can he get away with? etc. Has zero to do with love. Has to do with ego and entitlement. hi, thanks for the comment. that's an interesting theory for sure. i disagree with the bold text. she had not broken up with me... she had messaged one of my friends a few days ago saying 'we are trying to work through a difficult period at the mo, so i won't be able to hang out with you guys as it's a bit too soon'... that's a very different message to convey from 'we have definitely broken up'. We hadn't broken up. there was no clear communication only a fleeting referral to us finding things difficult... if someone says they 'can't see us being together right now but i really love you and maybe things will work themselves out once i trust you'... i wouldn't have said at all that that's clear cut at stating we have broke up, unless you'd disagree with me? I'll also correct you - i never sexted this woman at all. Link to comment
jsinclair89 Posted December 23, 2019 Author Share Posted December 23, 2019 The OP said this on page 1 - He wants her back so that he can, in effect, score a victory and get her to back down. Where the relationship would go after that is unclear. no, i do not want to score points at all. this is the complete opposite of how i am as a person. point scoring, game playing, for tat - that's not how i am at all. i want to get her back so we can make things great and move towards my dream of having a family with her. JS Link to comment
jsinclair89 Posted December 23, 2019 Author Share Posted December 23, 2019 "so that means she is a genuine hypocritical scumbag who has cheated..." And yet you still want her back? Why? And please not "because I LOVE her!!!" There has to be a better reason than that. The reason is i belueve we have unfinished business...it's quite hard to explain, but if you understand what i mean then o'm sure you get where im headed with this. when one truly believes there are things to improve and work on in a relationship and that there is still hope, then it's hard to walk away. i have been in relationships before when i feel it's had its time and that's that. this isn't one of those times. Link to comment
jsinclair89 Posted December 23, 2019 Author Share Posted December 23, 2019 also, another quick post to summarise my thoughts on the letter. thank you to all who have commented. i won't send the letter. what i've gleaned from posts, is that it will serve me no positive benefit, only negative. it will give her a hard copy of how pathetic and needy she feels i am. 'omg, i can date 2 guys at the same time and i still have one of them eating out of my hand!' 'i can have sex with one of them and still tell him im meeting up with my new guy, and he STILL wants more... what CAN"T i do wrong?!' etc etc. as i mentioned before, the main purpose (for me) was to give myself closure and to get it all off my chest...however, upon reflection, i am not willing to make myself look pathetic and to possibly push her into the arms of someone else. once more, i am not wanting to play games. i am not contacting her because it is helpful for me to consider my future and how it may be without her. i am not leaving her alone just to wait for her to reach out. i will not engage with her unless she makes it clear she wants to make a go of things with me. js Link to comment
ninjabib Posted December 23, 2019 Share Posted December 23, 2019 Thats it, best thing to do is walk away with some dignity and pride while you can. It probably only gives you a less than 5% chance of getting back together but if you hang around and tolerate this from her you have 0000000000000000% chance. Link to comment
jsinclair89 Posted December 24, 2019 Author Share Posted December 24, 2019 Thats it, best thing to do is walk away with some dignity and pride while you can. It probably only gives you a less than 5% chance of getting back together but if you hang around and tolerate this from her you have 0000000000000000% chance. haha thanks buddy. i've just met my good buddy who is a forensic psychologist who has put me straight... Link to comment
RayRay63 Posted December 24, 2019 Share Posted December 24, 2019 why is she behaving the way she is? it seems odd that her reaction is to punish me to incessantly... 'and eye for an eye' etc... 1. Because she is really annoyed with you and wants revenge, that is how she rolls. 2. There were other problems in the relationship you were not seeing, and this was a useful catalyst - an excuse if you like. 3. Both of the above. Link to comment
jsinclair89 Posted December 24, 2019 Author Share Posted December 24, 2019 1. Because she is really annoyed with you and wants revenge, that is how she rolls. 2. There were other problems in the relationship you were not seeing, and this was a useful catalyst - an excuse if you like. 3. Both of the above. regarding point 2, i can't think of any problems that were in the relationship - i am not saying there were no issues, but there may have been some that i was oblivious too and need to reflect on these. however, she would always comment on how amazing the relationship and how she has never been with someone who has treated her as well as i did. point 1 - yes revenge is an interesting one. the incessant punishment is rather bizarre but that's her stuff to deal with. i am ultimately not responsible for someone else having baggage. sure, let's have an open and honest chat about it, but at the end of the day that's her stuff to deal with! in other news, no contact between us for 3 days now as expected. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted December 24, 2019 Share Posted December 24, 2019 You concealed exchanging numbers with the airplane woman and deleted her messages. You were either being deliberately deceptive or you feared your girlfriend's reaction. Nope, things were not as wonderful as you're claiming. Those events were the catalyst but a seed was planted somehow before that. Good job on the no contact. Link to comment
jsinclair89 Posted December 24, 2019 Author Share Posted December 24, 2019 You concealed exchanging numbers with the airplane woman and deleted her messages. You were either being deliberately deceptive or you feared your girlfriend's reaction. Nope, things were not as wonderful as you're claiming. Those events were the catalyst but a seed was planted somehow before that. Good job on the no contact. yeah it was my mistake. i realised it looked bad and i may have accidentally led this girl on... i didn't want anything to do with it but it was my error initially and i am to blame. but maybe you're right. and thank you for the comment on no contact. it's not hard, it's very difficult but is necessary. js Link to comment
jsinclair89 Posted December 26, 2019 Author Share Posted December 26, 2019 happy christmas everyone! hope you have had a great couple of days with loved ones. quick update: she messaged my yesterday saying merry christmas, i left it a few hours and then said the exact same back. Link to comment
jsinclair89 Posted January 19, 2020 Author Share Posted January 19, 2020 hi guys... wanted to give a quick update... she messaged me whilst i was on vacation about a week ago and i sent her one back... not heard anyting since. would like to know if she is still dating this other guy! Link to comment
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