Advice needed - she's hot and cold and ignores me

[bluecastle]

hey buddy thanks for taking the time to come back with a comprehensive response. yes, you're right , i am being rather vague on here for obvious reasons... this is a public platform and i don't wanna risk it! you are right... my behavior has been immature and i have made a journal writing down all my mistakes to try and look at the bigger picture. we haven't spoken today and i will leave it like that. i am keeping myself busy by seeing all my buddies.

 

What I would reflect on, aside from a self-lashing in which you tally all your mistakes, is whether you really want to be in a marriage-bound relationship right now, and whether you really want that with her. It's okay to not want those things, in general or with one person. Less okay is when we think we might want them, or should want them, but in actuality we engage in behavior that sabotages all that, and hurts someone else.

[Rose Mosse]

Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?

 

This is so wrong. She doesn't want to be with you. It doesn't get much simpler than that. You're hurt. Take time to process that and don't grovel with her. She's entitled to her decision just as you are in all of your decisions. I'd learn from the mistakes without staying stuck in a regretful loop going over them again and again and again. Get out of that guilt-ridden mind space.

 

If this person can't see past that, it's her loss. It takes two to tango. If she's so perfect, great. She can take her glowing perfection elsewhere too. Learn from the past and move on.

[jsinclair89]

What I would reflect on, aside from a self-lashing in which you tally all your mistakes, is whether you really want to be in a marriage-bound relationship right now, and whether you really want that with her. It's okay to not want those things, in general or with one person. Less okay is when we think we might want them, or should want them, but in actuality we engage in behavior that sabotages all that, and hurts someone else.

 

hi , thank you for your comment. yes, i do want to be in a marriage-bound relationship and have done for about the last 8 months. when feeling rock bottom the best thing about it is that i cant feel any worse - things can only get better from here .

 

js

[jsinclair89]

Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?

 

This is so wrong. She doesn't want to be with you. It doesn't get much simpler than that. You're hurt. Take time to process that and don't grovel with her. She's entitled to her decision just as you are in all of your decisions. I'd learn from the mistakes without staying stuck in a regretful loop going over them again and again and again. Get out of that guilt-ridden mind space.

 

If this person can't see past that, it's her loss. It takes two to tango. If she's so perfect, great. She can take her glowing perfection elsewhere too. Learn from the past and move on.

 

hey , thanks for taking the time to post . yes, objectively it does indeed take two to tango. i disagree with the statement 'she doesn't want to be with you'... she has told me she wants to be wth me but 'can't'. i am still being punished for my mistakes and it is hard to predict how long for . yes , i am hurt, but that's okay. i will sit with the pain and discomfort knowing that it will eventually get better .

 

i don't think the situation is as clear cut as you proclaim above. this is not binary. there are many nuances and considerations .

[Rose Mosse]

hey , thanks for taking the time to post . yes, objectively it does indeed take two to tango. i disagree with the statement 'she doesn't want to be with you'... she has told me she wants to be wth me but 'can't'. i am still being punished for my mistakes and it is hard to predict how long for . yes , i am hurt, but that's okay. i will sit with the pain and discomfort knowing that it will eventually get better .

 

i don't think the situation is as clear cut as you proclaim above. this is not binary. there are many nuances and considerations .

 

It's up to you but it's far too passive for me. I wouldn't let someone else dictate the punishment (at least not on this topic... lol!). You seem very down and keep kicking yourself. No one can pull you out but yourself so if you're not ready, you're just not ready. Take your time.

[jsinclair89]

It's up to you but it's far too passive for me. I wouldn't let someone else dictate the punishment (at least not on this topic... lol!). You seem very down and keep kicking yourself. No one can pull you out but yourself so if you're not ready, you're just not ready. Take your time.

 

thanks . do you have any suggestions how i can break this cycle? i am trying to be myself around my buddies but they've all noticed i am very down no matter how hard i try .

JS

[Rose Mosse]

thanks . do you have any suggestions how i can break this cycle? i am trying to be myself around my buddies but they've all noticed i am very down no matter how hard i try .

JS

 

Beyond who did what or who started what, the bottomline is that neither of you are making each other happy. She's skittish and you're feeling neglected. Continuing to communicate with someone who brings you down is a bad idea overall. This person brings you down because she can't look past what happened and she wants to move on/doesn't want to respond to you.

 

The longer you stay stuck with the idea that she wants to be with you, the more you'll lose parts of yourself. You can make excuses all you like - that it's complicated and there are nuances. There aren't. You're just finding excuses to stall your life from moving forward because you're just not ready and you need time to feel bad about it enough until you feel good again. If that's what you need, that's what you need. Nothing that anyone says on this forum or nothing that your friends say to you will help you. You just have to figure it out on your own and take that time.

 

Actions do speak much louder than words. Expect people who are trustworthy and real with you to follow through with their actions. Keep things simple and I'd avoid creating stories in your head about how complicated things are or how many nuances there are to this. You'll need to feel your way through until you're ok again but check yourself eventually and come up for some air when you're ready.

[jsinclair89]

Beyond who did what or who started what, the bottomline is that neither of you are making each other happy. She's skittish and you're feeling neglected. Continuing to communicate with someone who brings you down is a bad idea overall. This person brings you down because she can't look past what happened and she wants to move on/doesn't want to respond to you.

 

The longer you stay stuck with the idea that she wants to be with you, the more you'll lose parts of yourself. You can make excuses all you like - that it's complicated and there are nuances. There aren't. You're just finding excuses to stall your life from moving forward because you're just not ready and you need time to feel bad about it enough until you feel good again. If that's what you need, that's what you need. Nothing that anyone says on this forum or nothing that your friends say to you will help you. You just have to figure it out on your own and take that time.

 

Actions do speak much louder than words. Expect people who are trustworthy and real with you to follow through with their actions. Keep things simple and I'd avoid creating stories in your head about how complicated things are or how many nuances there are to this. You'll need to feel your way through until you're ok again but check yourself eventually and come up for some air when you're ready.

 

thanks a lot. maybe you're right- perhaps i am kidding myself and making excuses. it's always harder to be open and honest with yourself when you're so consumed in a situation it's hard to see things from a wider perspective

[Wiseman2]

You don't sound ready for any sort of exclusive relationship, no less commitment if you're picking up women on flights. Admit who you are and what you want. Free yourself to pick up whoever you want and get nudies from whoever you want. Why waste this exgf's time?

 

She "can't" be with you? That means she doesn't trust you. While you're doing all this bravado that she's just a bit miffed and she'll come running back, she's already told all her people about this and they no doubt told her to dump you. She may already be talking to other guys about what a jerk her ex is.

she has told me she wants to be wth me but 'can't'.

[jsinclair89]

hi guys so i have a substantial update . she messaged me yeterday late and wanted to meet for 10 mins. i was already out so said yes. she was tipsy and forcefully came on to me, i couldn't talk to her as she kept lunging forward and was telling me how much she loved me and wanted to be with me but can't. she asked me to go back to hers for a chat. she then asked me to stay. she said how much she missed sex and wanted it, so we did.

 

however, in the meantime, she told me she has been introduced to a guy and has been on 2 dates with him. she said he was nice and seemed loyal and that was very attractive to her. i responded saying, sounds good, if you're happy im happy. the guy asked her to be exclusive with him after 1 date. she said... 'erm ok'. then they had the second date. they are currently on date 3 now. so... she has actually cheated on him with me... im stupid for going along with it.

 

i can't believe that she had the balls to have sex with me, then say 'oh yea i am seeing this guy tomorrow for a day out'... my mind is absolutely scrambled here.

 

she told me i am the love of her life. she said she has never loved anyone as much as me and still does. she wants to move on and this guy 'seems nice and loyal and he looks like you'... very unfair on this poor guy who is probably unaware of what's happened.

 

my mind is very scrambled now.

 

JS

[bluecastle]

Ooof. Can I ask if this woman is significantly younger than you? It's an impression I've gotten, admittedly informed by personal biases.

 

Anyhow, I'm sorry for this, but I'd look at it as a pretty clear sign that it's now time to really part ways. This is drama, not depth, and there is nothing quite like whiplash of trying to pretend the former is the latter.

 

She's hurt, you're hurt. She's confused, you're confused. She has loads of conflicting feelings, as do you. Zoom out and all that is all pretty human. But zoom in—meaning continue to engage—and you're just making a messy situation messier, and doing a number on your own emotional equilibrium.

 

The generous view here—and I'm a big fan of the generous view, in general—is that for whatever reasons you two have lost the ability to communicate and connect in an authentic manner. Only you know your history, but I can't help but think that last night, amped up as it was, did not go down in a vacuum but was maybe just a more extreme version of how you guys connect, a mixture of hormones and jealousy that can feel very good for brief moments but not quite expanding into something genuinely safe and sustainable.

 

No more punishment, not of yourself, not of her. This is what it looks like when two people who once worked have stopped working. I'm sorry.

[jsinclair89]

Ooof. Can I ask if this woman is significantly younger than you? It's an impression I've gotten, admittedly informed by personal biases.

 

Anyhow, I'm sorry for this, but I'd look at it as a pretty clear sign that it's now time to really part ways. This is drama, not depth, and there is nothing quite like whiplash of trying to pretend the former is the latter.

 

She's hurt, you're hurt. She's confused, you're confused. She has loads of conflicting feelings, as do you. Zoom out and all that is all pretty human. But zoom in—meaning continue to engage—and you're just making a messy situation messier, and doing a number on your own emotional equilibrium.

 

The generous view here—and I'm a big fan of the generous view, in general—is that for whatever reasons you two have lost the ability to communicate and connect in an authentic manner. Only you know your history, but I can't help but think that last night, amped up as it was, did not go down in a vacuum but was maybe just a more extreme version of how you guys connect, a mixture of hormones and jealousy that can feel very good for brief moments but not quite expanding into something genuinely safe and sustainable.

 

No more punishment, not of yourself, not of her. This is what it looks like when two people who once worked have stopped working. I'm sorry.

 

thank you bluecastle.

 

fyi, she is actually a year older than me. when she asked to meet up i was expecting it to be very final - that she didn't want to carry on with the intermittent messages and it was time to draw a line under this whole thing. i was very surprised with what happened - lots of intense sexual chemistry, lots of flirtation, lots of compliments and continuously telling each other how much we love one another. a mindf*ck at best...

 

lets be honest...it is always nice for the ex to say that they miss you, love you, want you... and that they want to message all the time but stop themselves... that they look at pictures of you all the time and hate how drawn they are to you...

 

i cannot do anything in this situation apart from give it space... however, it is very strange and hurtful to realise that she is on her third date with this other guy literally as i type..

[bluecastle]

Try, if possible, to not focus too much on the other guy. She's flailing, you're flailing, and last night you flailed together. This is what people do after breakups—they flail—and it's not always pretty. It's why real space is needed, regardless or the circumstances or the level of attraction that's still there.

 

I'd look at last night as a nice moment where you affirmed both the positives and negatives of your connection, as well as the fact that disconnection is now needed for you both. She's going to do with this time whatever she does. Where you have control is how you spend it.

[Wiseman2]

Yep, she told all her people about this and they not only told her to dump you but started introducing her to "loyal" guys. She's dishing it out now. Stop contacting her. She's given up on you except to make a fool of you like you did to her.

she told me she has been introduced to a guy and has been on 2 dates with him. she said he was nice and seemed loyal and that was very attractive to her.

[boltnrun]

This is a piece of how she felt when she found out you exchanged numbers with a woman you sat next to on an airplane while she thought you two were in a committed relationship.

[ninjabib]

I'd run a mile from her. Sleeping with other men while not having the decency to break up with you? Not for me, next.

 

This is how's shes going to behave in the future should things not be to her liking.

[jsinclair89]

Yep, she told all her people about this and they not only told her to dump you but started introducing her to "loyal" guys. She's dishing it out now. Stop contacting her. She's given up on you except to make a fool of you like you did to her.

 

your posts seem to be very one dimensional - critical.

what you have posted is very obvious and it is almost as if you solely focus on twisting the knife in ?

[jsinclair89]

This is a piece of how she felt when she found out you exchanged numbers with a woman you sat next to on an airplane while she thought you two were in a committed relationship.

 

Yes , i am level headed enough (even at thispoint) to realise this is what's happening. I wno't chase someone who is willing to do the aforementioned , and then still go on a date with this person the next day, despite having sex with me in the morning .

[jsinclair89]

i just don't seem to understand how she can kick off so much about me receiving messages from someone, but then be exclusive with someone else and still have sex with me and be ok with it? i understand the perspective that she doesn't care about MY feelings... but what about the feelings of this new guy she's dating? he's not done anything to hurt her yet shes essentially cheated on him with me/..?

[ninjabib]

She's very immature.

[jsinclair89]

She's very immature.

 

what do you think i should do? i still want to make things work with her. no contact?

[boltnrun]

what do you think i should do? i still want to make things work with her. no contact?

 

The both of you have wandering eyes (and her, a wandering body). Yet you want to try again knowing this?

[ninjabib]

Well i would say if you persist and somehow do get back together theres a few things that are likely to happen :

 

1) She will hold your past against you. She will make you suffer for receiving that flirty pic. This is shown in her current behaviour.

2) Anytime you do anything wrong now going forward she will behave awfully. This is shown in her current behaviour.

3) If you ever bring up her cheating she will say it's your fault, you shouldn't have put yourself in the position that she 'had to cheat.'

 

I mean let's be honest, you are not officially seperated as for some reason she was unable to do this. How old is she? Who the hell cannot break up with somebody if that picture made her that angry why didn't she end it.

 

Shes actually cheating ON YOU WITH HIM, not the other way around as she never broke up with you.

 

I think whatever was there between you 2 has gone now. If you get back together i can't see it lasting a year if that.

 

I would walk away, let her be with her new man. Cut all contact and be done.

[Wiseman2]

They went on 2 dates. Hardly exclusive and she is probably not having sex with him yet. She just seems to want to get even. In any case it seems to be getting ugly.

be exclusive with someone else and still have sex with me

[bluecastle]

I'd take a moment, right now, to accept that you aren't in a place where you can think clearly, and you're not going to be for a few more weeks and with some space form this. Doesn't mean you can't think what you think, feel what you feel, want what you want, and that all that isn't relevant. It is. Just means you also accept that it's heightened stuff, a bit like being on drugs. Give me a tab of acid and I'll have about ten million epiphanies about myself and my place in the world. Most will be nonsense, two might prove to be relevant once I sober up. The drug part you're currently in will fade a bit with time, bringing the clearest thoughts to the surface.

 

Trust that. That's step one.

 

Step two? Reflect, perhaps with the help of a therapist, on your past two years with this woman—the general dynamic, how you've grown, or failed to grow, alongside each other. Be compassionate to both of you in that reflection, but know that compassion and delusion are different things. So ask questions like: Do you believe you each, truly, take the other person seriously? Do you take yourself seriously? Did you each behave in the manner of two people who take the other seriously? Are you the best version of yourself next to her? Is she the best version of herself next to you?

 

And give yourself more than 30 seconds to answer them.

 

I bring all that up because this whole moment? It doesn't exist in a vacuum, but as an extension of the mathematical equation that is you plus her. This is what it equals, at this moment. It's who each of you are, as people, and who each of you bring out in each other.

 

Personally, I'm a big believer that breakups are mirrors to relationships, with the lights turned to maximum brightness. Speaking frankly, it's not the prettiest picture now that all the lights are on, as you don't need me to tell you. It's immature, volatile, reactive, dependent on things like sex and jealousy to stoke Big Feelings, rather than trust and respect. Hot here, cold there. But is there authentic warmth between those poles? Another question worth asking and giving yourself time to consider.

 

What feels so mysterious to you right now is, as ninja said, just immaturity. On both sides. Immaturity is not a crime, but it can be pretty destructive, as you're learning. It was immature how you dealt with the woman on the plane, and immature how she dealt with it as well, and only you know how much these moments are exceptions or rules. Now she's kind of doubling down on that, behaving recklessly and disloyally to assert the importance of loyalty. It makes no sense from one angle, though from the angle of immaturity it makes perfect sense. It is how people behave when they don't have a firm inner compass, and it's why I asked if she was younger than you. It is also how people behave when they are surrounded by people who are bad influences.

 

Immaturity can be fun in romance, because we all like being reduced to that childlike state—with the dash of hot sauce that comes with sex. But it is limited, eventually corrosive, and it is worth trying to consider—to just reflect on this—if what you're seeing and feeling right now is all that immaturity, both in the glue that binds you to her and in the thing about her that repels you, much as she is repelled by you while also longing for you.