Advice needed - she's hot and cold and ignores me

[ninjabib]

Yes i agree, please see my above edit.

 

 

OP you said to me you acted entirely innocent throughout and now Boltnrun says you admit to wrong doing so which is it?

[bluecastle]

the other frustrating thing on here is that the cynics are viewing things in a very binary manner - i.e. things aren't ideal and she is being erratic so just 'move on'. anyone who has been in a similar situation here knows that it is NEVER as simple.

 

Well, the truly complicated part about all this is that it kind of is simple. Past all the history, all the whirling feelings, what you still have is an awful mess and two people who made that mess.

 

Think of it like building a house. Dreams and money and time are involved—complicated stuff. But if, two years in, the pipes are bursting, the floors are uneven, the doors don't open, the heating and cooling is busted, mice are in the kitchen, roaches in the bathrooms, and so on—well, what you have is a poorly built house that provides poor shelter. Simple, see? At which point some math is required. Do you keep investing money on repairs—even though you know the main problem is a rotten foundation and iffy blueprint—or do you "move on" to a different house, cutting loses and taking the hit in order to find better shelter?

 

To me your situation is simple. I don't think the two of you made a particularly good house, and after two years of standing on the foundation it is crumbling. Look back with clear eyes and I think you'll see that: all the places where it just wasn't so great, where the connection is built from weak materials. Sadly you are those materials, as is she, so repairing it is very hard, perhaps a futile exercise even. I don't think that's "cynical" so much as "realistic," which is a lot of the advice you get on this forum.

 

I've been in your shoes, her shoes, a few times over. I've got 10 years on you, for reference. When I was your age I was getting myself out of a very hot, very volatile relationship—an emotional connection built in plenty of shade, with shady behavior on all sides. I let that breakup get as "complicated" as the relationship, meaning we continued to sleep together for another year. There was love there, sure, but there was also a lot of hormones and mutual self-loathing posing as love. We were two decent people basically incapable of being decent with each other, and we took a long road to reach that conclusion. After that? I take shorter roads, lost a lot of my appetite for drama. What was once complicated became pretty simple, in short.

 

If you genuinely want another shot? Here's what I'd do. I'd text her or call her and say exactly that, no bs, making it clear that the only communication you can have is in the context of reconciliation. Be respectful, saying you understand that she may not share that, but also ask that she respects you by ceasing contact so you can move forward. Then there is no ambiguity, and should things become ambiguous—more vague chatter, another saucy romp, etc.—you will only have to look in the mirror to know who is playing you.

[jsinclair89]

Well, the truly complicated part about all this is that it kind of is simple. Past all the history, all the whirling feelings, what you still have is an awful mess and two people who made that mess.

 

Think of it like building a house. Dreams and money and time are involved—complicated stuff. But if, two years in, the pipes are bursting, the floors are uneven, the doors don't open, the heating and cooling is busted, mice are in the kitchen, roaches in the bathrooms, and so on—well, what you have is a poorly built house that provides poor shelter. Simple, see? At which point some math is required. Do you keep investing money on repairs—even though you know the main problem is a rotten foundation and iffy blueprint—or do you "move on" to a different house, cutting loses and taking the hit in order to find better shelter?

 

To me your situation is simple. I don't think the two of you made a particularly good house, and after two years of standing on the foundation it is crumbling. Look back with clear eyes and I think you'll see that: all the places where it just wasn't so great, where the connection is built from weak materials. Sadly you are those materials, as is she, so repairing it is very hard, perhaps a futile exercise even. I don't think that's "cynical" so much as "realistic," which is a lot of the advice you get on this forum.

 

I've been in your shoes, her shoes, a few times over. I've got 10 years on you, for reference. When I was your age I was getting myself out of a very hot, very volatile relationship—an emotional connection built in plenty of shade, with shady behavior on all sides. I let that breakup get as "complicated" as the relationship, meaning we continued to sleep together for another year. There was love there, sure, but there was also a lot of hormones and mutual self-loathing posing as love. We were two decent people basically incapable of being decent with each other, and we took a long road to reach that conclusion. After that? I take shorter roads, lost a lot of my appetite for drama. What was once complicated became pretty simple, in short.

 

If you genuinely want another shot? Here's what I'd do. I'd text her or call her and say exactly that, no bs, making it clear that the only communication you can have is in the context of reconciliation. Be respectful, saying you understand that she may not share that, but also ask that she respects you by ceasing contact so you can move forward. Then there is no ambiguity, and should things become ambiguous—more vague chatter, another saucy romp, etc.—you will only have to look in the mirror to know who is playing you.

 

hey man. i have thought about what i want from her. i am with my family for christmas and they cannot believe how she has behaved. they do not want me to reconcile with her. they are furious. however, i still feel like i have unfinished business with her and want to give things another shot.

 

regarding the last paragraph of your message - i feel that right now, if i were to message her whilst she is dating another guy... that us a very easy way for her to say no to me... feels like the wrong moment. my head is a mess right now so im not sure if i am being logical with my responses at all.

 

today has been extremely hard. it really has started to sink in that she has kissed another guy and will probably be intimate with him in the coming weeks/months. my heart is absolute shattered right now.

[jsinclair89]

Yes i agree, please see my above edit.

 

 

OP you said to me you acted entirely innocent throughout and now Boltnrun says you admit to wrong doing so which is it?

 

hi there, yes i acted innocently. however, i feel it was a mistake of mine to offer out my phone number and it isn't a huge surprise that she became flirty.

[jsinclair89]

OP that's fair enough if you want her back.

 

For me cheating is unforgiveable so it might be best if I stop offering advice from here in out. I would just say be very careful. Once someone's cheated they don't find it hard to do it again.

 

So for now I guess you got to ride it out and let your girlfriend keep seeing her new man. Don't contact her. Don't reply to her messages unless it's over with her lover, don't be her fake friend and I would start seeing other women for yourself. This process will help you be sure you 100% want to be with her and generally I just wish you good luck I guess.

 

Let's say you get back together what are you going to say to her or ask from her to show she's sincerely sorry for cheating on you? Or is it just fine what shes done? This cheating of hers will never ever bother you?

 

You have to be 100% sure of this before you consider having her back.

 

hi ninjabib, yu have offered sound advice so i would appreciate it if you continue to follow this thread! the thing is, she genuinely believes that she hasn't cheated on me... someone commented way back on this thread stating that 'she broke up with you the moment she said that she could no longer be with you'... it's kinda ambiguous and maybe she'd argue she didn't have to explicitly state the fact she wants to break up with me for it to be over?

 

i have never been in a situation such as this where a girl who still loves me and i still love her, is seeing another guy. it seems like she is just doing this for the sake of it and is trying to make me jealous... i wish i could look into the future and see how long they would last.

 

i want to show her that i am the better choice than he is.

[ninjabib]

OP like I said from the very start, I was wary of her behaviour, her actions just dont add up.

 

It's as if she's being completely ambiguous and awkward to give herself some sort of plausible deniability get out. Her complete over-reaction to you being sent a photo you didn't ask for suggests to me she's not been honest prior to this incident. All speculative on my part of course.

 

She's successfully convinced you that you are responsible for her actions which is of course a complete falsehood. She is responsible for her own wrong doings.

 

I think if you want to forgive her then that is your call obviously but what concerns me also is that are not concerned by the way she's reacted and handled this situation. If you move forward with this girl you surely accept that you are going to be living in a relationship where she will punish you at every opportunity for anything she perceives to be wrong. Do you see her future behaviour differently?

[jsinclair89]

OP like I said from the very start, I was wary of her behaviour, her actions just dont add up.

 

It's as if she's being completely ambiguous and awkward to give herself some sort of plausible deniability get out. Her complete over-reaction to you being sent a photo you didn't ask for suggests to me she's not been honest prior to this incident. All speculative on my part of course.

 

She's successfully convinced you that you are responsible for her actions which is of course a complete falsehood. She is responsible for her own wrong doings.

 

I think if you want to forgive her then that is your call obviously but what concerns me also is that are not concerned by the way she's reacted and handled this situation. If you move forward with this girl you surely accept that you are going to be living in a relationship where she will punish you at every opportunity for anything she perceives to be wrong. Do you see her future behaviour differently?

 

hi ninja.

 

so let me be clear... what are you suggesting? that she has cheated on me before?

 

Throughout this whole debacle, she has acted poles apart from how i thought she was. it's almost as if she has had a personality transplant . i appreciate that people behave differently when under stress / not thinking clearly , but they must also take responsibility for their actions. in the year and a half we had together, i never saw this kind of behavior from her. it is most unusual.

 

let me make this clear- i am concerned by her behavior but am willing to let her justify it at least. but i do think her behavior will be different, moving forwards.

 

do you think she has told the new guy she is dating that she had sex with her ex the night before they met?

 

js

[RayRay63]

 

regarding the last paragraph of your message - i feel that right now, if i were to message her whilst she is dating another guy...

 

So tell her that you are not interested in communicating with her while she is dating someone else, you can't be her friend, if she ever re-thinks things give you a call - otherwise, good luck, have a nice life.

 

And then walk away and mean it. It is hard, but many here have done it. You need to take back your power.

[RayRay63]

 

do you think she has told the new guy she is dating that she had sex with her ex the night before they met?

 

js

 

No. That seems highly unlikely.

[ninjabib]

No i don't think her other guy knows about you. If she told him about you he would probably dump her and whers the fun in that for her?

 

I'm not saying she has cheated but I feel she's done something dubious or similar herself. It's just a massive overreaction over nothing.

[jsinclair89]

No. That seems highly unlikely.

 

i agree. so that means she is a genuine hypocritical scumbag who has cheated and is keeping it to herself.

 

No i don't think her other guy knows about you. If she told him about you he would probably dump her and whers the fun in that for her?

 

I'm not saying she has cheated but I feel she's done something dubious or similar herself. It's just a massive overreaction over nothing.

 

that's an interesting theory.. i guess i will never know unless she said something, which she wouldn't...

 

 

so guys... i have an open question for each and everyone of you... and i would appreciate an honest response. this is something i have ben thinking of doing for a while so please bare with me...

 

I had thought of writing a letter, outlining my feelings and what i'd like to happen between us in the future. this was an idea i has before i had found out she was dating this other guy...but it's still something i am thinking of.

 

the main purpose of the letter is a selfish one - it would be for me to feel as though i have chosen every possible option and done everything i can possibly do, and therefore nothing after the letter is up to me. it's up to her to make a decision.

 

however, the concern i have is that it will reflect incredibly badly on me - and this is something that has been highlighted by a lot of you guys on this thread. she would essentially be thinking... 'i've told him i'm dating someone else and seeing him, yet he is still hanging on there for me... i can actually do WHATEVER i want and face no consequences because he will always be there'.

 

i was thinking of writing this letter and posting it just before 1st January and before she goes on holiday.. that means i can sit back and be finished with it as the ball is in her court.

 

please let me know thoughts on this...i am leaning away from writing it because of how it COULD make me appear.

[ninjabib]

I would say that rather than write it.

 

You have tried your hardest but she is not willing to try so you are prepared to walk away and leave her with her new man. Wish her well, set a time limit for her to reconsider her options and then move on.

 

If she won't meet you then you have your answer.

[jsinclair89]

No. That seems highly unlikely.

 

No i don't think her other guy knows about you. If she told him about you he would probably dump her and whers the fun in that for her?

 

I'm not saying she has cheated but I feel she's done something dubious or similar herself. It's just a massive overreaction over nothing.

 

I would say that rather than write it.

 

You have tried your hardest but she is not willing to try so you are prepared to walk away and leave her with her new man. Wish her well, set a time limit for her to reconsider her options and then move on.

 

If she won't meet you then you have your answer.

 

i cant get to meet her though. it'll be a month minimum until i can see her again. thats why a letter is preferred choice - i can deliver it to her and can get everything down on a piece of paper - there's always a risk of leaving something out/forgetting what to say when you're there in person. plus, she can refer to the letter and re-read it at multiple times. what do ou think?

[ninjabib]

Is she away for a month or you away for a month. Why cant you meet?

[RayRay63]

Do not write her the handwritten letter.

 

She'll think you have been watching love advice TV and have done 28 days NC followed by the letter.

 

Or possibly she'll just be annoyed at receiving it and throw it in the bin.

[Wiseman2]

Ok so now her people think the worst of you and your people think the worst of her. And the rift gets wider now. There is no right or wrong here. Admit it's over. Maybe you wanted it to be when you decided to try to pick up the woman on the flight. You did that, your family surely only heard about her dating other guys "cheating" (and how she unjustly got jealous because of some travel tips) and now the mess is getting even messier. This is a lot of nonsense to go through just to end things. If you don't want what she wants, just end things.

i am with my family for christmas and they cannot believe how she has behaved. they do not want me to reconcile with her. they are furious.

[ninjabib]

Yes, ultimately even if she wasn't seeing someone else this is beyond repair.

 

Whatever you had is gone, you just don't know it yet. If you get back together I'd estimate within 6 months you will end up resenting/despising each other until there's nothing left. Time to walk away.

[jsinclair89]

Is she away for a month or you away for a month. Why cant you meet?

 

hi ninja, we are both away for 2 wks over the new year. we both booked individual holidays to both just get away from normaility i guess. so, as christmas is a time for family we won't be speaking much over this period. however, we are both in the same town between christmas and the new year and she knows this. i am hanging out with some buddies and i'll be about 5km from where she lives. it'll really make her think... when i don't contact her and she knows i am down the street from her

[jsinclair89]

Ok so now her people think the worst of you and your people think the worst of her. And the rift gets wider now. There is no right or wrong here. Admit it's over. Maybe you wanted it to be when you decided to try to pick up the woman on the flight. You did that, your family surely only heard about her dating other guys "cheating" (and how she unjustly got jealous because of some travel tips) and now the mess is getting even messier. This is a lot of nonsense to go through just to end things. If you don't want what she wants, just end things.

 

my family are angry because of how i am feeling. i have spoken to them this morning and they said they don't judge her, they just want me to be happy...whether that is with her or without her. what do you mean, if you don't want what she wants, just end things?

[jsinclair89]

Do not write her the handwritten letter.

 

She'll think you have been watching love advice TV and have done 28 days NC followed by the letter.

 

Or possibly she'll just be annoyed at receiving it and throw it in the bin.

 

lol that made me laugh . but like i said, i am not writing the letter for her, i am writing it for me. so i feel better and so i can feel like the chapter has closed.

[jsinclair89]

Do not write her the handwritten letter.

 

She'll think you have been watching love advice TV and have done 28 days NC followed by the letter.

 

Or possibly she'll just be annoyed at receiving it and throw it in the bin.

 

also, i highly doubt that she would throw it in the bin. i would say there is a zero percent chance. it's human nature to be curious at receiving a letter and at least read it. plus, considering she still loves me, she will be intrigued as to why i am writing and what is the content of the letter.

 

and let's to be honest... posting in this forum is the equivalent of watching love advice tv haha

[RayRay63]

also, i highly doubt that she would throw it in the bin. i would say there is a zero percent chance. it's human nature to be curious at receiving a letter and at least read it. plus, considering she still loves me, she will be intrigued as to why i am writing and what is the content of the letter.

 

and let's to be honest... posting in this forum is the equivalent of watching love advice tv haha

 

1. You are projecting your feelings onto her. She just started dating someone new. The letter will look pathetic.

 

2. Love advice TV tell everyone to write a stupid handwritten letter after X day's no contact. And charge a lot of money to do that. Here you are getting told to not do it - for free.

 

Please tell me you did NOT pay for coaching by love advice TV.

[ninjabib]

Yeah do not send the letter. Just vanish from her life as she did to you. She knows how to contact you if she wants to end things with new bf and stop ignoring current bf.

[jsinclair89]

1. You are projecting your feelings onto her. She just started dating someone new. The letter will look pathetic.

 

2. Love advice TV tell everyone to write a stupid handwritten letter after X day's no contact. And charge a lot of money to do that. Here you are getting told to not do it - for free.

 

Please tell me you did NOT pay for coaching by love advice TV.

 

haha no i have not paid for any advice and i never will. i have looked around online and there are many people offering 'solutions' and 'guarantees'... robbery really. i'd never pay for it.

 

what's wrong with me projecting my feelings on to her?

[jsinclair89]

Yeah do not send the letter. Just vanish from her life as she did to you. She knows how to contact you if she wants to end things with new bf and stop ignoring current bf.

 

yes good. i will not send the letter. I think she will message me in a few days time. shall i outright ignore her or just be blunt back?