Worried about my 5 yr old girl

[Camber 2019]

Spanking and yelling will not solve the problem. It will only exacerbate it. And if she has a disability why smack someone for the way they’re born?

 

Yup! Take something away. Something they really, really enjoy. Of course give it back after the lesson has been learned.

[boltnrun]

One time one of my kids trashed their room because they didn't like something (can't remember what it was). Once my child was done, I told them "OK, now you clean it all up. Anything left on the floor or not put back where it belongs is going to be given to ."

 

My child didn't try that ever again.

 

And not one single "swat" or spanking from me or Dad. Never spanked my kids because instead I disciplined them. There's a difference.

[bipolarqueen]

Pending upon where you live spanking could be determined as abuse and you could lose your child. He better be aware of that.

 

Oh he knows. These days you can’t touch your kids without someone thinking you’re abusive.

[bipolarqueen]

Yup! Take something away. Something they really, really enjoy. Of course give it back after the lesson has been learned.

 

I’ve tried that and it didn’t work with either of my kids.

 

I’ve also permanently taken away beloved stuffed animals or something else they couldn’t live without.

 

Didn’t do anything to teach them not to behave poorly again.

[ThatwasThen]

I’ve tried that and it didn’t work with either of my kids.

 

I’ve also permanently taken away beloved stuffed animals or something else they couldn’t live without.

 

Didn’t do anything to teach them not to behave poorly again.

Are you saying they behaved poorly while the beloved object was removed or did they behave badly again days later after you gave it back to them?

[bipolarqueen]

One time one of my kids trashed their room because they didn't like something (can't remember what it was). Once my child was done, I told them "OK, now you clean it all up. Anything left on the floor or not put back where it belongs is going to be given to ."

 

My child didn't try that ever again.

 

And not one single "swat" or spanking from me or Dad. Never spanked my kids because instead I disciplined them. There's a difference.

 

I did this with my younger daughter. A lot of things got tossed/donated. In essence, a lot of her belongings she’d thrown around in anger were lost for good. Yet, the behavior continues.

 

I’ve revoked privileges like iPad usage, TV and movie viewing, sleepovers, and the like. I’ve canceled “pizza night” and instead served a home cooked meal that I knew wasn’t my kids’ favorite. I have RSVP’d to a birthday party for one of their friends and then called the mom back to cancel, finding another time to give the child their gift, because my kids just couldn’t get it together. (Mostly, my five year old.)

 

I’ve cried in front of my kids and begged them to cut me a break. Probably not the best thing to do but I was upset and overwhelmed. I think it scared them. But the next day, the poor behavior continued.

 

I feel like I’ve done it all. I’m tired of being the “Bad Mommy”. I’m at the end of my rope.

[ThatwasThen]

... and yet they are both very well behaved at school? They are running roughshod over you, mom. Something is telling them that you don't mean business or, they are so used to having so much that they don't give a crap if you take stuff away because they just will have other stuff to do while they wait it out till they get back what you've taken away.

[boltnrun]

Are their rooms full of toys and electronic equipment?

[bipolarqueen]

Are you saying they behaved poorly while the beloved object was removed or did they behave badly again days later after you gave it back to them?

 

Oh, I don’t give things back these days. They receive multiple warnings about their behavior, and I clearly tell them there will be a consequence for continued poor behavior. If they push me, I take something(s) away. And they don’t get it back.

 

You’d think they’d go “oh, she was serious. Maybe I should stop acting up.” But they don’t....

 

I’ve read parenting books and online articles and talked to my psychiatrist as well as other moms at their school (obviously only ones I know well and trust). Most of them have their own struggles and share what’s worked for them. It doesn’t work for us.

[Batya33]

Oh, I don’t give things back these days. They receive multiple warnings about their behavior, and I clearly tell them there will be a consequence for continued poor behavior. If they push me, I take something(s) away. And they don’t get it back.

 

You’d think they’d go “oh, she was serious. Maybe I should stop acting up.” But they don’t....

 

I’ve read parenting books and online articles and talked to my psychiatrist as well as other moms at their school (obviously only ones I know well and trust). Most of them have their own struggles and share what’s worked for them. It doesn’t work for us.

 

When you say "doesn't work" I'm curious how long you try the technique and whether you and your husband are 100% consistent in implementing the technique.

[bipolarqueen]

... and yet they are both very well behaved at school? They are running roughshod over you, mom. Something is telling them that you don't mean business or, they are so used to having so much that they don't give a crap if you take stuff away because they just will have other stuff to do while they wait it out till they get back what you've taken away.

 

Yes, they behave at school. Grades are good. The older one is in several activities and excels at all of them. She’s very smart. The five y/o is more reserved socially but does have one or two good friends, does well in school and is an amazing artist for a young child.

 

I think you are right, they have too much in the way of material things. My husband bought each of them a TV, and Apple TV, almost a year ago. Yup, a 7 and 5 year old have Apple TV. I was furious and we argued for days. I’ve taken the TVs out of their rooms only to have my husband put them back because the way he sees it, they can stay upstairs and watch a movie so we can have “alone time”. I’m not opposed to that as we do need to nurture our marriage but I think such young kids having a giant TV with access to hundreds of movies is utterly ridiculous.

 

I believe that part of their failure to respond to my attempts to get real positive results out of these situations is due to the fact that they know that “softie” dad is still around. He’s their favorite because he acts like a kid himself (the guy is actually a millionaire who has an incredible work ethic).

[bipolarqueen]

Are their rooms full of toys and electronic equipment?

 

Their rooms, not so much. The five y/o does have a TV in her room. I want to throw it away but hubs would flip out.

 

We have a large playroom. That’s where their stuff is, mostly. It’s shrunk by about half over the last few months because I’ve been getting rid of things.

 

They both have iPads but I set strict time limits and supervise them while they use them.

[bipolarqueen]

When you say "doesn't work" I'm curious how long you try the technique and whether you and your husband are 100% consistent in implementing the technique.

 

I utilize the technique permanently. I don’t stop. My husband is not as consistent as I am. I believe this is the biggest cause of the issue.

[Batya33]

I utilize the technique permanently. I don’t stop. My husband is not as consistent as I am. I believe this is the biggest cause of the issue.

 

Yes so it's not that the technique doesn't' work but the implementation.

[Seraphim]

Dad is the issue here.

[boltnrun]

So your kids have a father who gives them whatever they want, rooms full of electronic equipment and no consistent parenting.

 

This is why they are "able" to behave at school. At school they will not be provided with IPads and TV to reward bad behavior. And yes, they are being rewarded.

 

And you put them upstairs with movies so you can have "alone time"? Why can't you have "alone time" after they go to bed?

 

It's really very simple. They don't behave at home because they don't have to. And maybe they want attention, not being parked in their rooms with movies.

[bipolarqueen]

So your kids have a father who gives them whatever they want, rooms full of electronic equipment and no consistent parenting.

 

This is why they are "able" to behave at school. At school they will not be provided with IPads and TV to reward bad behavior. And yes, they are being rewarded.

 

And you put them upstairs with movies so you can have "alone time"? Why can't you have "alone time" after they go to bed?

 

It's really very simple. They don't behave at home because they don't have to. And maybe they want attention, not being parked in their rooms with movies.

 

The kids are not being babysat by their TVs, and their rooms are not “full of electronic equipment”. Like I said they each have an iPad but have extremely limited access to them. They’re mostly for road trips and plane rides.

 

We spend plenty of quality time together as a family. On Friday nights and sometimes Saturdays, they are allowed a movie night. One movie, no food allowed in the bedrooms, then brush their teeth and go to bed.

 

We DO have alone time after they go to bed. And a lot of it is spent talking about their behavior. My husband acts like he gets what needs to happen, but he doesn’t.

 

They get plenty of positive attention and are by no means being “parked in their rooms”. Not sure where these comments are coming from.

[ThatwasThen]

They receive multiple warnings about their behavior,

One warning should suffice. If they do it again after that warning then they suffer the consequences.

 

I was furious and we argued for days. I’ve taken the TVs out of their rooms only to have my husband put them back because the way he sees it, they can stay upstairs and watch a movie so we can have “alone time”.

Well, that was clearly undermining your authority/decision and that is teaching your children that what you say means squat because dad will just give it back to us when we act up because he wants us to stop.

 

Dad is indeed the problem here and I really believe that all of you need to go to a child psychologist together wherein he/she will quickly evaluate your children and then give YOU two the guidance you need in order to teach your children that playing one parent against the other isn't going to work anymore. You and your husand can have your alone time when the kids are in bed after going willingly and without fuss.

 

I feel bad for you that he just doesn't get it and because he doesn't get it is why he has to go along to the sessions so that he does because your girls need boundaries and routine because I'm sure they don't like being in melt down mode or being yelled at or missing out on things anymore than you like having to do it all.

 

If your husband won't go to the child psychologist with you then show him this thread and let him see the damage he is doing to the kids, his marriage and you when he overrides your discipline already dished out.

 

BTW: Leaving the kids upstairs alone to watch a movie is hardly fostering family time. I think you'd do better by them to have your alone time after they have gone to bed and when you've all watched the movie together or have played some board games or whatever.

[Billie28]

I’ve tried that and it didn’t work with either of my kids.

 

I’ve also permanently taken away beloved stuffed animals or something else they couldn’t live without.

 

Didn’t do anything to teach them not to behave poorly again.

 

You take away a stuffed animal but leave an Apple TV in their room???

Because you are afraid of their father??

 

Sorry!! But you say your alone time with your husband is spent talking about the kids behaviour?

And he says the Apple TV allows you both to have alone time?

Well clearly the Apple TV didn’t provide that!!

So remove it!!! Or disable it and tell them it’s broken! Whatever???

 

I take back what I said about you being a good mother. Sorry! Good intentions yes but not delivering!

 

Absolutely no electronic devices allowed in their bedroom!!! At all! Ever!!

 

In the play room fine! But only allowed in the playroom for a designated time and not allowed in there within half hr of bedtime.

 

The solution to this is so so simple!!!

 

But you are choosing to be a submissive wife and creating havoc in the household by that choice.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately this is not an improvement. This is anger and being brutal. Your kids will grown up thinking hitting and yelling is fine. Having both parents do that to them now is "improvement"? Why not get help for the anger and frustration you feel?

NOW he spanks. NOW he will yell. I basically had a nervous breakdown over my younger daughter’s behavior and told him he had to help me with both our kids.

[bipolarqueen]

You take away a stuffed animal but leave an Apple TV in their room???

Because you are afraid of their father??

 

Sorry!! But you say your alone time with your husband is spent talking about the kids behaviour?

And he says the Apple TV allows you both to have alone time?

Well clearly the Apple TV didn’t provide that!!

So remove it!!! Or disable it and tell them it’s broken! Whatever???

 

I take back what I said about you being a good mother. Sorry! Good intentions yes but not delivering!

 

Absolutely no electronic devices allowed in their bedroom!!! At all! Ever!!

 

In the play room fine! But only allowed in the playroom for a designated time and not allowed in there within half hr of bedtime.

 

The solution to this is so so simple!!!

 

But you are choosing to be a submissive wife and creating havoc in the household by that choice.

 

 

I guess I should have mentioned, the Apple TV is useless without its remote. Which I hide from the kids unless they’re having a movie night. Movie nights can be and have been taken away too. So no, I don’t “take away stuffed animals but leave an Apple TV”. The Apple TV is useless without its remote and THEY do not have access to the remote.

 

I am not afraid of my husband. If I was, I wouldn’t be the main person doing the disciplining. For the most part I have ignored his complaints that I’m too hard on them. You seem to think I fear him because I “left the Apple TV”. I also said he’d “flip” if I took it out, yes. I choose my battles with him sometimes, because otherwise we’d constantly be fighting, since I’ve remained the “bad mom” and he gets unreasonably angry with the kids. So the Apple TV stays in the bedroom, the kids have no access unless I give it to them. That’s hardly my biggest problem. But thanks for saying I’m not a good mother. Also, I listed several things I’ve done as punishment, that have not yielded results.

 

I don’t appreciate being told I’m not a good mother because of an Apple TV. And as for our “alone time” consisting of talking about the kids, so what? I’m trying to show that it’s a topic of conversation because I KNOW that what’s currently happening is not ok.

 

Another poster mentioned in my thread about my mom that my kids will grow up thinking it’s ok to hit and yell because of my husband’s actions. Yeah, I’m aware. I think we’ve established that my husband is the problem. Yet I feel like I’m the one being attacked.

 

We all need therapy. I get it.

 

Thanks for everyone’s replies. I am done.