Worried about my 5 yr old girl

[Billie28]

Get a second opinion and/or take her to a pediatric neurologist for further studies and psychologist. You're not coping and that is exacerbating her behavioral issues in a way that just escalates. It's not fair to your other child to allow this to continue and think it's normal to be this destructive, without looking into things a least. Also make sure your condition is well managed.

 

This is not a neurological condition. This is a normal child throwing tantrums. She is an angel when in a setting of normal rules and normal discipline. School!

Home is mayhem because the rules bend.

 

The mother here is a good mother!!! Why would you suggest she is not? She has a loving marriage and a controlled illness.

 

It’s unbelievable that you would suggest otherwise!?

[Batya33]

I'm not sure punishing a child when they have a tantrum is effective. "Supernanny" has shown success with it but who really knows if that's just for show.

 

Supernanny doesn't physically punish but does time outs from what I've seen -love her techniques and highly recommend it. To me time outs and removing privileges are not "punishment" but natural consequences -a person out of control needs to take space and be away from others sometimes for example and letting a flailing child be near an expensive device also doesn't make much sense.

 

OP -you seem like a really caring, compassionate and thoughtful person and parent. I have a ten year old son and have been there with the tantrums and the perfectionist tendencies (i.e. this isn't perfect so I'll rip up my origami creation, etc).

 

Not a physician and totally agree with an evaluation, second opinion, third. Also she might be more sensitive to negative energy/stresses at home so I'd look into that. Also how do you deal with stress and frustration and do you share with her how you do -I mean in the moment. I will tell my son "you know I feel like raising my voice right now because I am frustrated with your behavior so I'm going to go in the other room -not ignoring you, just need some space."

 

I also recommend the books, How to Talk so Kids Will Listen (the original version not the new one which I know nothing about), Dr. Brazlton's books, Janet Lansbury's blog and articles, the new book "How Not to Lose your S___t with your Kids" and old episodes of Supernanny.

 

I wish you the best. My father was bipolar (he passed away) -I am not and I'm familiar with the genetic component and relate to your concerns. You are doing such an awesome job trying to get to the bottom of this.

[Batya33]

To Billies point - I reinforce expected behavior by noticing but not gushing. Like a matter of fact “thanks for being patient while I was on the phone” (said no mother ever, just a hypothetical)- but I positively reinforce going the extra mile and very specifically - the “noticing “ is very specific. I try never to say “good boy”. “I saw that when you were frustrated you decided to watch tv for a few minutes to calm down”. So your daughter shouldn’t be rewarded for not tantruming and also keep in mind negative attention to tantrums is still attention she likely craves- but you can “notice “ the specific ways she acts in an appropriate way.

 

Also lots of kids hold it together at school and let it all out at home to their parents because it feels safer to do so.

[Seraphim]

I will agree most kids save the worst behaviour for home . Developmental conditions are expressed over all environments. Kids do test the waters especially if they know they can and mom and dad are not united and it was beneficial in the past. I would try consistency first and see if things change. It will be hard I am not kidding but it needs to be nipped right now.

 

If nothing changes I would try the psychological route. I found paediatricians to be useless about that ,for other than physical ailments. My son was misdiagnosed for years by paediatricians and given medications for conditions he never had. It wasn’t until he was 17 that he was correctly diagnosed.

[Batya33]

You might also look into a developmental pediatrician.

[SherrySher]

I agree to try the consistency at home first and see if there are any improvements.

 

Though keep an eye open. I can think of at least 3 different cases where a child behaved quite well at school and had meltdowns at home and were eventually diagnosed with Aspergers, Autism and Bipolar.

It is possible.

 

But it is also true that you could be dealing with a child who is testing the waters and knows they can get away with far worse behavior at home and it needs to be corrected.

 

Crossing fingers that you start to see some improvements with consistency at home and making adjustments to her tantrums.

[Wiseman2]

How is the older child? Does she have the same father?

I have 2 daughters, ages 7.5 and 5.5. She has put holes in the walls of her room by pushing the door against the wall, causing the doorknob to go right through the drywall.

[Seraphim]

Just an FYI Aspergers no longer exists it is just Autism. Wether one’s support needs are great or less so you are just Autistic. Functioning labels are also misnomers.

 

The name of Aspergers is now disgraced as Hans Asperger had involvement with the Nazi party. Many autistic people do not want to be associated with that.

[SherrySher]

Thanks for the update, Seraphim. That's literally the first time hearing of that.

 

Good to know.

[Seraphim]

Thanks for the update, Seraphim. That's literally the first time hearing of that.

 

Good to know.

 

Yeah I wish I could change my signature but I can’t because the size of the signature block changed after I made mine. So yeah whether you have lower support needs or high support needs you are autistic regardless. Even people with lower support needs can have some significant challenges like my son does. My son is considered low support needs but he’s also considered disabled 90% of the time.

[bipolarqueen]

How is the older child? Does she have the same father?

 

My older daughter will be 8 in a week. Yes, they are both from the same man.

 

As I said, my condition is well controlled, better than some from some of the articles I have read about bipolar. I take four medications daily as well as levothyroxine because my lithium usage has resulted in hypothyroidism, which in itself can mess with moods. I also see a psychiatrist regularly and am about to find myself a therapist, partly to deal with my feelings of failing my younger child, and being powerless to remedy her behavior.

 

I have suggested family counseling to my husband and he, like many other men it seems, is completely resistant to the idea of going.

 

I feel tremendous guilt sometimes for having children when I have a serious mental illness that can be inherited. But I had them, and now I have to make sure they are happy and obedient and all around good people. My biggest fear is that she will eventually be diagnosed bipolar, but I try to remind myself that she will have a support system in me, as someone who has been through the crippling lows and potentially destructive highs.

[Seraphim]

I applaud you for having your condition under control. My father refused to have his bipolar controlled and my childhood was a horror story.

 

You can also take heart though my brother and I did not inherit and three of our four children did not either.

[bipolarqueen]

Supernanny doesn't physically punish but does time outs from what I've seen -love her techniques and highly recommend it. To me time outs and removing privileges are not "punishment" but natural consequences -a person out of control needs to take space and be away from others sometimes for example and letting a flailing child be near an expensive device also doesn't make much sense.

 

OP -you seem like a really caring, compassionate and thoughtful person and parent. I have a ten year old son and have been there with the tantrums and the perfectionist tendencies (i.e. this isn't perfect so I'll rip up my origami creation, etc).

 

Not a physician and totally agree with an evaluation, second opinion, third. Also she might be more sensitive to negative energy/stresses at home so I'd look into that. Also how do you deal with stress and frustration and do you share with her how you do -I mean in the moment. I will tell my son "you know I feel like raising my voice right now because I am frustrated with your behavior so I'm going to go in the other room -not ignoring you, just need some space."

 

I also recommend the books, How to Talk so Kids Will Listen (the original version not the new one which I know nothing about), Dr. Brazlton's books, Janet Lansbury's blog and articles, the new book "How Not to Lose your S___t with your Kids" and old episodes of Supernanny.

 

I wish you the best. My father was bipolar (he passed away) -I am not and I'm familiar with the genetic component and relate to your concerns. You are doing such an awesome job trying to get to the bottom of this.

 

Batya33 - thank you for your kind words. I’m sorry for the loss of your father.

 

When she begins to melt down, I try to diffuse the situation, but if that doesn’t work I eventually tell her Mom needs a little break and I walk away, because I do have a short fuse at times, especially with her. Not proud of that - but there it is. I’m only human!

[bipolarqueen]

You have a lovely normal child who is testing the boundaries because she knows what she can get away with if she tries!

She’s quite smart in other words!

 

I agree with thatwasthen!

 

This definitely sounds like parents being inconsistent. And not on the same page.

With your first born it was easier because from the age of 2-3 an important time in discipline , your second born was a baby.

 

I personally would not be rewarding her simply because she doesn’t have a tantrum in a day.

That’s rewarding her for normal behaviour. And does you older child get that? I’m assuming no. Your younger one also knows that!! As does your older!

 

Reward her for good behaviour not normal behaviour.

 

You really need to get your husband on board with this!!! ASAP!

My brother is now realising the discipline differences between him and his wife with their 16 year old , he is the disciplinarian, his wife is the one that succumbs.

And tantrums at 16 yrs old are a complete different story! It’s escalated to almost unmanageable.

 

Show your husband this thread and hopefully he will realise the seriousness of it all!

 

Good luck!!

 

Thank you for your input! I appreciate it.[emoji16]

[bipolarqueen]

I applaud you for having your condition under control. My father refused to have his bipolar controlled and my childhood was a horror story.

 

You can also take heart though my brother and I did not inherit and three of our four children did not either.

 

I’m sorry your childhood was terrible, you didn’t deserve that! I’m just trying to do my best. I didn’t always have myself under control - when I was single and childless my life was a wretched rollercoaster of anger, sadness, poor choices and suicidal ideation. Now that I am responsible for two little lives, I got my stuff together. And it was easier than I thought it would be!

[Seraphim]

I’m sorry your childhood was terrible, you didn’t deserve that! I’m just trying to do my best. I didn’t always have myself under control - when I was single and childless my life was a wretched rollercoaster of anger, sadness, poor choices and suicidal ideation. Now that I am responsible for two little lives, I got my stuff together. And it was easier than I thought it would be!

 

That is awesome you are responsible! Your children and your life will very much appreciate that.

[Wiseman2]

Can you and the younger child go to a therapist? It sounds like you are on top of things, but if the younger child is acting like this and the other is not, it is time to have her reevaluated and at least take her to a child therapist/psychologist.

My older daughter will be 8 in a week. I have suggested family counseling to my husband and he

[bipolarqueen]

Can you and the younger child go to a therapist? It sounds like you are on top of things, but if the younger child is acting like this and the other is not, it is time to have her reevaluated and at least take her to a child therapist/psychologist.

 

I am going to find a therapist within my own mental health practice, which I’ve been with for almost 8 years. The front desk girls and my psychiatrist already know my girls because I’ve brought them to appointments occasionally when I could not find a sitter.

[boltnrun]

You said in your thread about your mom that your husband spanked your older daughter.

 

Does he only discipline the older child?

[bipolarqueen]

You said in your thread about your mom that your husband spanked your older daughter.

 

Does he only discipline the older child?

 

No, he does discipline my younger one, but is far less consistent about it than I am. He is also more likely to lose his temper and spank.

[boltnrun]

No, he does discipline my younger one, but is far less consistent about it than I am. He is also more likely to lose his temper and spank.

 

So how is he the "fun" parent? Has he only just recently started disciplining them?

 

I'm trying to understand the dynamic of why you describe him as the "fun dad" and you are the one who doles out discipline, but then you say he loses his temper and spanks.

[bipolarqueen]

So how is he the "fun" parent? Has he only just recently started disciplining them?

 

I'm trying to understand the dynamic of why you describe him as the "fun dad" and you are the one who doles out discipline, but then you say he loses his temper and spanks.

 

Yes he only recently began actually disciplining them. He was always the one who gave them what they wanted 100 percent of the time, let them eat the crap fast food I wouldn’t, let them stay up past their bedtime on school nights, etc. Hence me calling him the “fun dad”. While I was the one trying to give them structure and discipline and oftentimes hearing them say “I like Daddy better than you!”

 

NOW he spanks. NOW he will yell. This has only happened over the last month or so. Because I basically had a nervous breakdown over my younger daughter’s behavior and told him he had to help me with both our kids.

[Seraphim]

Spanking and yelling will not solve the problem. It will only exacerbate it. And if she has a disability why smack someone for the way they’re born?

[bipolarqueen]

Spanking and yelling will not solve the problem. It will only exacerbate it. And if she has a disability why smack someone for the way they’re born?

 

I assume you’re talking about my younger daughter. Yes, spanking is a poor way to “discipline.” That’s why i don’t spank. I’ve swatted the younger one lightly on the rear a couple of times but not like my husband. I don’t condone the way he chooses to communicate to the kids that they’re in trouble. But it’s either he loses his temper and spanks or he doesn’t do $h!t. He knows how I feel. He doesn’t listen to me. That’s a whole other post, but it’s my understanding that if I hog the forum I’ll get booted out.

[Seraphim]

Pending upon where you live spanking could be determined as abuse and you could lose your child. He better be aware of that.