Creating more boundaries and disentangling my life from hers

[Seraphim]

https://www.ontario.ca/page/child-care-rules-child-care-and-early-years-act#section-1

[boltnrun]

If she's working under the table why would you be paying payroll taxes for her?

[Seraphim]

I claim all the income. Everything the daycare makes I claim as income even what I give her .

If she's working under the table why would you be paying payroll taxes for her?

[DancingFool]

I know a lot of posters are piling on that she is a user and ditch her....but slightly different take on this.

 

She comes across to me from what you've written as simply a flaky, ditzy, not very smart about life and money kind of a person. This is why she is where she is in life. Her priorities are simple as well. Her kids, then friends, then everything else. Overall, a bit of a tumbleweed rolling in whatever direction the wind blows. These are her downsides and again, why she is where she is in life. Does that make her bad person or a user? I don't think so. I doubt she is smart enough to be malignant like that.

 

Anyway, my point is that friends come with good sides and bad and we all kind of navigate that in a take what works and dodge what doesn't manner. I have a friend who is always always always dating toxic men. She is really a good friend to me, I enjoy her company and doing things together but I've simply learned to steer the conversation away from her dating life and just not get involved. No advice, limited shoulder to cry on before I cut bait and run. Whatever drives her to make those choices, I'm not her psychiatrist and can't solve her issues. Soooooo.....maybe frame this friendship for yourself in a similar way? These are the thing you enjoy doing with her, so you'll keep doing them. These are the things you don't want to deal with, so disengage.

 

Like if you want to go see a horror movie and the "price" is you have to pick her up and drive both of you, it's worth it sometimes because really it's doing what you want with company who gets it and enjoys it with you. Making more serious plans.....you know she is a flake, soooo if the plans are such that you have to have reliability, don't invite her. If it's something where +/- 1 or 2 people makes no real difference, invite her and if she flakes, who cares.

 

The Netflix thing, just tell her you decided to cancel it and you already have good advice on how to change passwords and disconnect from devices and offload her and her offspring from that.

 

The daycare situation.....I mean it sounds like a mutually beneficial arrangement, especially with the neighbor willing to help out. If hiring a full time person formally would cost you more than what you are doing currently....then it is what it is. You aren't really being charitable, you are very much benefiting yourself.

[tattoobunnie]

Just tell her your credit card number got hacked, and you need to update your Netflix account info when the card comes in, and what-not. Then change the password, and don't bring it up every again. And if they ask, say you aren't sure about Netflix anymore, and may try something, but not sure, then change the subject.

 

As far as the wedding goes, you go.

 

With the income tax, tell her your accountant told you that she needs to start paying her own income tax reasons, or you might get audited. Then, stop paying for it. The gravy train stops her, Seraphim!!

[Wiseman2]

Never share accounts (and passwords) with anyone. Ever. Except inside your own household/family. Change the Netflix password asap. Really, for a few bucks a month all this nonsense? While not illegal it is against their terms of service and when people outside of your household log in they have records of that. It's simple. Just stop the sharing and freeloading.

 

Tell them you got a notice from Netflix that they will cancel your account if you continue to violate their terms of service. Because it happens all the time. They track every user, every device, every login, etc. Also in the US the IRS would be on your and her case for fraud. You pay your taxes, she pays hers. If she is an employee and you take taxes out that is different. If she is a contractor she must pay her own taxes. Why do illegal stuff for people? No one needs friends that badly, right?

one of her daughters uses my NetfIix account with my permission. Then her grandson started using my Netflix and I would not be able to use my account because all 3 would be using it, sooooo I upgraded my account.

[Seraphim]

I know a lot of posters are piling on that she is a user and ditch her....but slightly different take on this.

 

She comes across to me from what you've written as simply a flaky, ditzy, not very smart about life and money kind of a person. This is why she is where she is in life. Her priorities are simple as well. Her kids, then friends, then everything else. Overall, a bit of a tumbleweed rolling in whatever direction the wind blows. These are her downsides and again, why she is where she is in life. Does that make her bad person or a user? I don't think so. I doubt she is smart enough to be malignant like that.

 

Anyway, my point is that friends come with good sides and bad and we all kind of navigate that in a take what works and dodge what doesn't manner. I have a friend who is always always always dating toxic men. She is really a good friend to me, I enjoy her company and doing things together but I've simply learned to steer the conversation away from her dating life and just not get involved. No advice, limited shoulder to cry on before I cut bait and run. Whatever drives her to make those choices, I'm not her psychiatrist and can't solve her issues. Soooooo.....maybe frame this friendship for yourself in a similar way? These are the thing you enjoy doing with her, so you'll keep doing them. These are the things you don't want to deal with, so disengage.

 

Like if you want to go see a horror movie and the "price" is you have to pick her up and drive both of you, it's worth it sometimes because really it's doing what you want with company who gets it and enjoys it with you. Making more serious plans.....you know she is a flake, soooo if the plans are such that you have to have reliability, don't invite her. If it's something where +/- 1 or 2 people makes no real difference, invite her and if she flakes, who cares.

 

The Netflix thing, just tell her you decided to cancel it and you already have good advice on how to change passwords and disconnect from devices and offload her and her offspring from that.

 

The daycare situation.....I mean it sounds like a mutually beneficial arrangement, especially with the neighbor willing to help out. If hiring a full time person formally would cost you more than what you are doing currently....then it is what it is. You aren't really being charitable, you are very much benefiting yourself.

Bingo. She isn’t malicious . And yes the business IS mutually beneficial. She really needs the money and I need someone to work.

 

It is a good friendship when there are not monkey wrenches thrown in. And you’re right she isn’t well educated. She married for the first time at 17 and one day he just didn’t come home from work and disappeared. The next time she married she was 20. She doesn’t plan ahead well. She is a nice person though.

[Seraphim]

Never share accounts (and passwords) with anyone. Ever. Except inside your own household/family. Change the Netflix password asap. Really, for a few bucks a month all this nonsense? While not illegal it is against their terms of service and when people outside of your household log in they have records of that. It's simple. Just stop the sharing and freeloading.

 

Tell them you got a notice from Netflix that they will cancel your account if you continue to violate their terms of service. Because it happens all the time. They track every user, every device, every login, etc. Also in the US the IRS would be on your and her case for fraud. You pay your taxes, she pays hers. If she is an employee and you take taxes out that is different. If she is a contractor she must pay her own taxes. Why do illegal stuff for people? No one needs friends that badly, right?

The thing is the taxes are paid. It is not like they are not getting the money. The clients get their tax receipt in Feb. I file the full amount in April. And I either owe or the government owes me.

[tattoobunnie]

Wiseman is referring to giving you excuses to say. We are not giving you accounting advice, other than you shouldn't have to subsidize your friendship with Netflix and paid taxes. She's not your kid.

[Seraphim]

True. I realize.

 

In Oct it is her daughter’s birthday so I will gift her a Netflix card and change my password.

Wiseman is referring to giving you excuses to say. We are not giving you accounting advice, other than you shouldn't have to subsidize your friendship with Netflix and paid taxes. She's not your kid.

[abitbroken]

Wiseman is referring to giving you excuses to say. We are not giving you accounting advice, other than you shouldn't have to subsidize your friendship with Netflix and paid taxes. She's not your kid.

 

Agree with this. Taxes should be coming out of her paycheck, not out of your pocket. Stop it. Now.

[DancingFool]

Agree with this. Taxes should be coming out of her paycheck, not out of your pocket. Stop it. Now.

 

If I understand it correctly, it's actually easier and way cheaper for the OP to do things the way she is doing it rather than what you are suggesting.

 

As for her flaking out.....you kind of have to pretty much expect that from her and anticipate it as much as you can. Besides that, just as a practical matter, you do need to have some kind of a plan B and even plan C and D anyway. She can get sick, she can move, etc., etc., etc. Things happen even if she was 100% reliable. This is more like business growing/learning pains. Even if OP had a full time reliable as a rock employee, still things happen, people get sick, move, get into accidents, have problems, quit without notice, etc. You just have to kind of learn how to navigate and mitigate that. It's always a headache no matter what business, no matter how many employees you have, etc.

[Seraphim]

If I understand it correctly, it's actually easier and way cheaper for the OP to do things the way she is doing it rather than what you are suggesting.

 

As for her flaking out.....you kind of have to pretty much expect that from her and anticipate it as much as you can. Besides that, just as a practical matter, you do need to have some kind of a plan B and even plan C and D anyway. She can get sick, she can move, etc., etc., etc. Things happen even if she was 100% reliable. This is more like business growing/learning pains. Even if OP had a full time reliable as a rock employee, still things happen, people get sick, move, get into accidents, have problems, quit without notice, etc. You just have to kind of learn how to navigate and mitigate that. It's always a headache no matter what business, no matter how many employees you have, etc.

Other things can happen for sure but not moving. We are more likely to move we are military she’s been here since she’s been four years old and she’s 67 . All her children are here and her grandchildren are here her sisters and brothers and cousins . We are just military transplants .

[boltnrun]

It's tax fraud in the US if a person is being paid for work but not reporting that income. I'm not sure what the laws are in Canada.

[Seraphim]

The thing is I am paying the tax for the entire amount. The government isn’t being screwed if anything my husband and I are because it bumps us into another tax bracket .

It's tax fraud in the US if a person is being paid for work but not reporting that income. I'm not sure what the laws are in Canada.

[DancingFool]

The thing is I am paying the tax for the entire amount. The government isn’t being screwed if anything my husband and I are because it bumps us into another tax bracket .

 

I get it that you feel like her flaking out on you feels kind of like a betrayal and it feels bad and hurtful.....buuut...you also know deep down it's just her being her and not really malicious and personal against you. So can you forgive her and work around that?

 

Also, regarding taxes, math is math. Either you are better off the way you are doing things or you are not. Numbers aren't emotional, so if you do the math, how does it look for you? Are you better off or worse off?

 

Basically, if you remove emotions from the equation, do you benefit from this arrangement financially and otherwise? Also can you forgive a flaky person for being....themselves....?

[Seraphim]

I get it that you feel like her flaking out on you feels kind of like a betrayal and it feels bad and hurtful.....buuut...you also know deep down it's just her being her and not really malicious and personal against you. So can you forgive her and work around that?

 

Also, regarding taxes, math is math. Either you are better off the way you are doing things or you are not. Numbers aren't emotional, so if you do the math, how does it look for you? Are you better off or worse off?

 

Basically, if you remove emotions from the equation, do you benefit from this arrangement financially and otherwise? Also can you forgive a flaky person for being....themselves....?

Yes, we are both better off for the arrangement. I can forgive it because I know where her panic comes from . It comes from having nothing her whole life. I gave her the opportunity to improve her circumstances a bit. And she allows me to run my business better. So it is mutually beneficial. She just really wants to help her kids. When her twins were 16 she had to split them up and send one to live with their dad because she could not afford both anymore. That is the one getting married who had to live with her dad. She feels horrible guilt for it so she wants to give this kid the best wedding she can.

[DancingFool]

Yes, we are both better off for the arrangement. I can forgive it because I know where her panic comes from . It comes from having nothing her whole life. I gave her the opportunity to improve her circumstances a bit. And she allows me to run my business better. So it is mutually beneficial. She just really wants to help her kids. When her twins were 16 she had to split them up and send one to live with their dad because she could not afford both anymore. That is the one getting married who had to live with her dad. She feels horrible guilt for it so she wants to give this kid the best wedding she can.

 

Wow....she is carrying quite a burden of guilt..... So there you have it. The arrangement is still beneficial and if you adjust your expectations of her, I think you'll feel less hurt about it so it will make it easier on you. She has made a lot of bad decisions in her life and it's not about to change, mostly because she just isn't that smart or capable. You take the good, you accept the bad...unless the bad outweighs the good at some point. Right now....it's just not that point.

 

Forgive, adjust, move froward. At least that's what I'd do in your shoes simply because it's all still beneficial both ways. Your energy and emotions are better spent on securing plans B and C in case of something catastrophic and sounds like this situation really pushed you to work on that and that's a good thing in a way.

[Seraphim]

Wow....she is carrying quite a burden of guilt..... So there you have it. The arrangement is still beneficial and if you adjust your expectations of her, I think you'll feel less hurt about it so it will make it easier on you. She has made a lot of bad decisions in her life and it's not about to change, mostly because she just isn't that smart or capable. You take the good, you accept the bad...unless the bad outweighs the good at some point. Right now....it's just not that point.

 

Forgive, adjust, move froward. At least that's what I'd do in your shoes simply because it's all still beneficial both ways. Your energy and emotions are better spent on securing plans B and C in case of something catastrophic and sounds like this situation really pushed you to work on that and that's a good thing in a way.

Yes, that is the way I feel today about it. She is not a bad person. She is a person with very little in panic mode. True , and I hate to say it because she feels horrible about herself already. She always says , I am so stupid. She isn’t as smart as I am it is true, but it doesn’t make her a bad person or friend. She is very very well liked by a great many because she accepts everyone. And I don’t need to have every friend be intellectual. We have friends for different needs. For instance she is very intuitive. And we have fun together .

[Cherylyn]

I would do whatever it takes to maintain your childcare business with fairness to all parties. You're the boss and you're the one who has to keep your business afloat so do whatever it takes to survive. It's business. I'm sure you'll be fair minded to this woman.

[Seraphim]

I am really done and over it . Maybe she is a user after all. The other day she text me that she felt I didn’t pay her enough. Not only is she not at work and tell me her employer when she will come to work now she feels that because I have another child in the daycare she feels she should share in the profit because you know I make great money.

 

She knows I am in a weak position right now with my mom’s fatal prognosis and both mine and my husband’s fathers in the hospital waiting for nursing homes. And my blood pressure so high I could have a stroke.

 

As my mom told me yesterday she is just in it for what she can get from you .

 

Done done done.

 

Yesterday I cut them off Netflix. I am not driving her any place and I will pay her until I get a replacement then it will be a one hour notice like she did to me and left me scrambling.