Creating more boundaries and disentangling my life from hers

[boltnrun]

I presume you've looked into codependency.

 

Do you fear losing the friendship or that she'll "get mad" if you stop supplementing her income or pay her entertainment expenses?

 

I have a friend who asked to borrow money to pay rent. I lent it to her. She did pay it back. However she was posting on Facebook asking people where she could find good prices for airline tickets to the Caribbean! A week later she asked to borrow money again. I said no. She hasn't spoken to me since. Another friend who only contacted me if she needed something. No big loss IMO.

 

And I used to struggle with codependency, but something had to give.

[melancholy123]

You are so being used. Time to change your NetFlix password and give the kid a gift card for her own account. Stop being so easy to manipulate. I get you want to be friends but you really need to pull back and stop this!

[Seraphim]

I presume you've looked into codependency.

 

Do you fear losing the friendship or that she'll "get mad" if you stop supplementing her income or pay her entertainment expenses?

 

I have a friend who asked to borrow money to pay rent. I lent it to her. She did pay it back. However she was posting on Facebook asking people where she could find good prices for airline tickets to the Caribbean! A week later she asked to borrow money again. I said no. She hasn't spoken to me since. Another friend who only contacted me if she needed something. No big loss IMO.

 

And I used to struggle with codependency, but something had to give.

It may be a fear of a shrinking support system . As a military spouse every time you move you have to keep putting yourself out there . So having a support system one day and then you could find out any day that it’s gone . Friends get harder to make as you age I think . And most of my military spouse sisters are at least 20 years younger than me and have tons of little kids and can’t do anything . When I can go out and do something they are putting kids to bed can’t leave because the spouse isn’t there and they have kids . We are at the same stage in life we have adult children . We also have children with the same disability . We greatly enjoy the same entertainment .

[Seraphim]

We both have a great love of horror movies none of my other friends do even my husband despises it. And I hate his choice of movies so we never go to the movies together .

[Hollyj]

I don't think you should continue with a user friend because you friend network is getting smaller.

 

Do you have any free time to do new activities to meet people?

[Batya33]

We both have a great love of horror movies none of my other friends do even my husband despises it. And I hate his choice of movies so we never go to the movies together .

 

I go to movies alone -is that not comfortable for you?

[Hollyj]

We both have a great love of horror movies none of my other friends do even my husband despises it. And I hate his choice of movies so we never go to the movies together .

 

Look into a horror movie Meet up.

 

Stop making excuses. These are not reasons to keep someone like this in your life.

[smackie9]

Well you can look at it as her being more of an acquaintance, rather than a "friend". Just change some of the expectations that come with a true friendship to "we just hang out". Is that where you kinda want to go with this?

[Seraphim]

Not really. By the time all the kids are gone from my house at 5:30 in the evening . They enter my house at 6:30 in the morning . Basically I eat clean up and go to bed . On the weekends I am deep cleaning the playroom ,buying groceries for the daycare ,spending some time with my husband ,singing at church and being at Mass. I am also president of our local Catholic Women’s League. Plus my husband and I have ageing and frail parents . At this point I’m so busy I barely have time to breathe.

I don't think you should continue with a user friend because you friend network is getting smaller.

 

Do you have any free time to do new activities to meet people?

[Seraphim]

Nope. Creeps me out.

I go to movies alone -is that not comfortable for you?

[Seraphim]

I could try. I live in a little dinky Doo town so I’m not sure what kind of meet ups there are .

Look into a horror movie Meet up.

 

Stop making excuses. These are not reasons to keep someone like this in your life.

[Seraphim]

I think so.

Well you can look at it as her being more of an acquaintance, rather than a "friend". Just change some of the expectations that come with a true friendship to "we just hang out". Is that where you kinda want to go with this?

[Hollyj]

Not really. By the time all the kids are gone from my house at 5:30 in the evening . They enter my house at 6:30 in the morning . Basically I eat clean up and go to bed . On the weekends I am deep cleaning the playroom ,buying groceries for the daycare ,spending some time with my husband ,singing at church and being at Mass. I am also president of our local Catholic Women’s League. Plus my husband and I have ageing and frail parents . At this point I’m so busy I barely have time to breathe.

 

Can't you make new friends through church and the Catholic League?

[Seraphim]

I have friends there. They are also 80 and would drop dead if I asked them to a horror movie.

Can't you make new friends through church and the Catholic League?

[Seraphim]

The town I live in is a lot of military retirees over 70 and very young families . And unfortunately one of the highest teen mother rates in the whole country .

[Batya33]

Nope. Creeps me out.

 

OK -your choice of course! How far is the next town or place where it's not all military as you described?

[Seraphim]

Once I went alone as a teen and went to walk home and 3 men chased me down street I had to jump in front of a cab and get in.

 

The town where we seen movies is about 20 minutes from here. Or I could go to Toronto which is about two hours or I could go to another city an hour away . But that would be silly just to go to a movie .

OK -your choice of course! How far is the next town or place where it's not all military as you described?

[Batya33]

Once I went alone as a teen and went to walk home and 3 men chased me down street I had to jump in front of a cab and get in.

 

The town where we seen movies is about 20 minutes from here. Or I could go to Toronto which is about two hours or I could go to another city an hour away . But that would be silly just to go to a movie .

 

Yes-I'm sorry you had a bad experience when you were a teenager. I've also been assaulted - on public transportation for example including when I was a teenager. One example. So for me I just assess whether the bad thing that happened will affect whether I do the activity again. You've decided that what happened to you as a teenager solidified your decision not to go to any movie again alone - totally your choice! I've traveled far for experiences I really wanted. Again it's up to you. I'd just try to differentiate between needs and wants, and whether it's possible you're getting in your own way of ending this friendship or at least distancing yourself.

[Seraphim]

Probably , like I said friends are hard to make in this town. At least ones that can do anything with you . But I’m also not gonna pay $60 in gas and 4 hours travel to go to the movie elsewhere I can buy the same movie for $22 in six months .

Yes-I'm sorry you had a bad experience when you were a teenager. I've also been assaulted - on public transportation for example including when I was a teenager. One example. So for me I just assess whether the bad thing that happened will affect whether I do the activity again. You've decided that what happened to you as a teenager solidified your decision not to go to any movie again alone - totally your choice! I've traveled far for experiences I really wanted. Again it's up to you. I'd just try to differentiate between needs and wants, and whether it's possible you're getting in your own way of ending this friendship or at least distancing yourself.

[Starlight925]

This isn't about horror movies or the fact that you both have autistic children.

 

I feel we're getting lost in the details here.

 

This is about the fact that you give 90%, she gives nothing. So, you really end up giving 100%.

 

This is about fear. Fear that if you remove her from your life, your social circle will shrink to almost nothing. Know what? It just might.

 

You have to decide which is worse: a friend who constantly uses you, or no friend at all.

 

We advise this to people who come here in unbalanced relationships all the time, when they have a fear of being single: Leave him/her, and be alone, or stay, and be used.

[Seraphim]

This isn't about horror movies or the fact that you both have autistic children.

 

I feel we're getting lost in the details here.

 

This is about the fact that you give 90%, she gives nothing. So, you really end up giving 100%.

 

This is about fear. Fear that if you remove her from your life, your social circle will shrink to almost nothing. Know what? It just might.

 

You have to decide which is worse: a friend who constantly uses you, or no friend at all.

 

We advise this to people who come here in unbalanced relationships all the time, when they have a fear of being single: Leave him/her, and be alone, or stay, and be used.

 

This is true. And maybe a need to be needed? But not to the point where I give everything. Moving here nine years ago and having not one friend in the world for three years greatly contributed to my nervous breakdown 7 years ago. I never want to go back there .

[Starlight925]

This is true. And maybe a need to be needed? But not to the point where I give everything. Moving here nine years ago and having not one friend in the world for three years greatly contributed to my nervous breakdown 7 years ago. I never want to go back there .

 

Bingo.

 

A need to be needed + loneliness = hanging onto one of the only people who feels comfortable.

 

So, you give her your Netflix password and pay her taxes, because those are needs that she has, so it fulfills your need to be needed. She needs you to keep doing all these things for you. And you have such an intense fear of loneliness (I get it, it's a human fear) that you allow it.

 

I'm so sorry, but I do think it's time to change your password and keep your own money.

 

Tell you what.....it doesn't have to be all or nothing. Ask her to see a horror movie playing nearby, and see what she says. Tell her what the ticket price is, and see if she hems and haws about not having enough money to buy a ticket. If she does, say nothing. Do not buy her a ticket. If you go, and she "suddenly" has left her wallet at home, say that it's been a really nice time, but that you'll both have to skip the movie as you only brought enough money for your own ticket. And then......you'll know.

[Batya33]

LHgirl I don't want to gush too much but I don't know how you get it so well and express it so simply and genuinely.

 

I agree, totally, Nothing to add.

[Seraphim]

Bingo.

 

A need to be needed + loneliness = hanging onto one of the only people who feels comfortable.

 

So, you give her your Netflix password and pay her taxes, because those are needs that she has, so it fulfills your need to be needed. She needs you to keep doing all these things for you. And you have such an intense fear of loneliness (I get it, it's a human fear) that you allow it.

 

I'm so sorry, but I do think it's time to change your password and keep your own money.

 

Tell you what.....it doesn't have to be all or nothing. Ask her to see a horror movie playing nearby, and see what she says. Tell her what the ticket price is, and see if she hems and haws about not having enough money to buy a ticket. If she does, say nothing. Do not buy her a ticket. If you go, and she "suddenly" has left her wallet at home, say that it's been a really nice time, but that you'll both have to skip the movie as you only brought enough money for your own ticket. And then......you'll know.

I have a big issue with being all or nothing. It is a negative part of personality. I never pay her movie, they always pay their own but I have to drive because they can’t drive and don’t own a car. But they piggy back off my Netflix because her eldest daughter won’t share hers. Her eldest daughter is very selfish and spoiled. Her younger daughters,no. She left her abusive husband with her twins when they were 4 with just a garbage bag of their clothes. So she is terrified to not have enough. Now her kids are 44 and the twins are 27.

 

Lately here too rents have EXPLODED upwards. They have gone from $700 for an apartment to $1600. People from Toronto have noticed our quiet sleepy area and bought up all available housing and are charging exorbitant Toronto rates. It is basically forcing the poor out. No matter how much I tell her they can’t change what she pays a month at her current apartment she’s so fear stricken that she’s going to end up out on the street nothing makes sense to her. Recently the owner of her building recently sold 10 houses they own and her daughter( 44) had to leave the house she lived in and moved into another place which was three times the rent she paid before.

[smackie9]

It's already happening here in Vancouver...people living in the streets, old RVs parked everywhere. We pay the most for gas in the world...we are so taxed to death. a small 2 bedroom basement suite is 2000+ a month.....but that is if you can find one. There are almost no rentals. My dilapidated 55 year old house in worth over 800K and that's lower from the almost 1 mil 2 years ago.