What a bugger.

[limichelle]

Yikes! What a creep!

 

I think you should just tell him to enjoy his date and block and move on. Better yet don’t say anything and block and move on.

[shellyf62]

Yikes! What a creep!

 

I think you should just tell him to enjoy his date and block and move on. Better yet don’t say anything and block and move on.

 

Exactly my thoughts, BLOCK, DELETE, NEXT! What a loser

[Tinydance]

EXTREMELY tasteless and crude! Honestly I think this is the behaviour of someone very rude, who also sees no future with you. This is a pretty off putting thing to send so I think anyone would only send that to someone they don't really respect or even like that much. I think yes he is only looking for casual with you but he didn't want to just say that, he wanted to really rub it in your face. There is a big difference in saying: "By the way, I'm also seeing other people, just wanted to let you know". As opposed to sending you a photo when he's AT the restaurant on another date with someone else and then he messages you later he had a good time. Honestly even if I was even just looking for casual I would end it. There is no need to be so tactless.

[Reg]

Well, I'd take that message to mean: "Know how we're still in the casual phase? It's the only phase I'm capable of, and even in this phase I don't know how to be a gentleman. You still down?"

 

This ^^^^^

[catfeeder]

We've not talked about dating other people. I think we both just kind of know that things are still in a casual phase.

 

Whenever I hear the word ‘casual’ in the context of confusion, that explains itself. If you’re both adults, how does that preclude you from having an adult conversation right off the bat about your goals and desires for dating? This hanging out stuff is for kids in high school. Tiptoeing around some assumed definitions then wondering where you stand makes no sense beyond adolescence.

 

Decide for yourself whether you are relationship material, or not. If not, then here you are in the limbo known as casual, but if you are relationship material, then that’s the first thing to to tell someone before messing with him. Learn whether her views himself the same way, and if not, tell him that you’ve enjoyed meeting him, and if he ever wants to date with a goal of learning whether the two of you might make a good relationship match, he can let you know.

 

I’d tell current guy that you’ve been thinking about what you want for yourself, and hanging out is no longer that for you. You like him and hope that he finds what he’s looking for, but you’re moving on to find someone who is interested in a committed relationship. If he ever wants to try for the same thing, he can let you know. If you’re still available then, maybe you can meet to catch up.

 

Boom Done. Clarity is liberating and needn’t slam doors shut.

[loyal]

EXTREMELY tasteless and crude! Honestly I think this is the behaviour of someone very rude, who also sees no future with you. This is a pretty off putting thing to send so I think anyone would only send that to someone they don't really respect or even like that much. I think yes he is only looking for casual with you but he didn't want to just say that, he wanted to really rub it in your face. There is a big difference in saying: "By the way, I'm also seeing other people, just wanted to let you know". As opposed to sending you a photo when he's AT the restaurant on another date with someone else and then he messages you later he had a good time. Honestly even if I was even just looking for casual I would end it. There is no need to be so tactless.

 

I sent him a message that said "I'm glad you had a good time."

His response: "meh"

 

I think maybe he rethought the whole idea of sending me that message. Anyhow, my last message to him was " who knows...you might end up with an actual relationship."

 

Crickets...

[Tinydance]

I sent him a message that said "I'm glad you had a good time."

His response: "meh"

 

I think maybe he rethought the whole idea of sending me that message. Anyhow, my last message to him was " who knows...you might end up with an actual relationship."

 

Crickets...

 

If it was me I'd never message him ever again. I think all his behaviour just screams "he's just not that into you". I think you're wasting your time on this guy if you want a relationship.

[katrina1980]

I sent him a message that said "I'm glad you had a good time."

His response: "meh"

 

I think maybe he rethought the whole idea of sending me that message. Anyhow, my last message to him was " who knows...you might end up with an actual relationship."

 

Crickets...

 

Not ruling out he's just not that into you, but...

 

I think it's also possible guy is extremely insecure and unsure about you and your feelings and was playing the standard "jealousy test" on you.

 

I mean you admit things between you are undefined, dates/hang outs casual -- instead of being direct and asking you how you feel/what you want like a strong, secure man would do, he invokes the jealousy test hoping to get a rise/reaction from you that would indicate your feelings, get you guys talking about your relationship, perhaps even agree to exclusivity.

 

Reason I say this is because clearly you did not give him the reaction he wanted and needed (I.e jealous), in fact the opposite, you were cool and acted like it did not bother you at all!

 

Which is how I would have reacted to, even if I were bothered (I hate those jealousy tests/games), but now as a result, he's more insecure, butt hurt and ignoring. Pouting.

 

As you said, crickets.

 

Typical behaviour from a very insecure man.

 

Just another possibility to consider, that's all. Remember we are only hearing your side. I'd be interested in hearing his.

 

Edit: Insecure women often play that jealousy game too. I did when younger! And I've had it played on me too. I've had men admit it to me when confused or unsure of my feelings.

[smackie9]

I would have responded with "Are you for real?" then block/delete.

[loyal]

I absolutely see what you are saying!

 

I'd be interested in hearing his side too! But, if he is an insecure man, I don't know that I want to pursue anything... I'm too old for that!

[katrina1980]

I absolutely see what you are saying!

 

I'd be interested in hearing his side too! But, if he is an insecure man, I don't know that I want to pursue anything... I'm too old for that!

 

Me too!

 

Remember the guy I talked about in previous post? The one who sent me a message meant for another woman?

 

I did dump him after he admitted it was a test, but then again I wasn't all that into him anyway, which is probably why he was shyt testing me!

 

But it sounds like you do like this guy, so maybe time for an honest heart-to-heart?

 

Discourage the games and push for honesty!

 

What do you want ? Do you want to kick it up a notch? Become exclusive?

[loyal]

Me too!

 

Remember the guy I talked about in previous post? The one who sent me a message meant for another woman?

 

I did dump him after he admitted it was a test, but then again I wasn't all that into him anyway, which is probably why he was shyt testing me!

 

But it sounds like you do like this guy, so maybe time for an honest heart-to-heart?

 

Discourage the games and push for honesty!

 

What do you want ? Do you want to kick it up a notch? Become exclusive?

 

I would have liked to kick things up a notch...talk about exclusivity. I was, in fact, pretty crazy about him. But we were in the beginning phases. I just wonder if his lack of effort in trying to remedy his bad judgement indicates that he doesn't want that?

[katrina1980]

My advice? Stop guessing and just talk to him.

[loyal]

@katrina1980--

 

What would you say to him?

[Batya33]

If it was me I'd never message him ever again. I think all his behaviour just screams "he's just not that into you". I think you're wasting your time on this guy if you want a relationship.

 

I agree with this and love what you, Loyal, wrote about not having time for insecure men. I dated a man a bit like this when I first got back in touch with my future husband. He showed his insecurities differently than your guy but I did speak to him about it the first time it happened and he said he was getting counseling and to please hang in there. It was better for two weeks. Then same old behavior. By then I realized I was interested in my future husband so combined with that realization plus being done with the shenanigans I ended things. He was 40 at the time. Good looking, successful, a kind person. And I knew despite my initial attraction his insecurities would douse that flame. He's in his 50s now and single. Not sure if he likes being single -maybe he does - but I know back then he wanted marriage and family.

[loyal]

By then I realized I was interested in my future husband so combined with that realization plus being done with the shenanigans I ended things. He was 40 at the time. Good looking, successful, a kind person. And I knew despite my initial attraction his insecurities would douse that flame.

 

This sounds like me exactly! There is DEFINITELY another man that I am interested in (happened quite recently). And the original guy is 40, very attractive, successful, and kind-hearted. But you are right, that doesn't negate insecurities!

[Batya33]

This sounds like me exactly! There is DEFINITELY another man that I am interested in (happened quite recently). And the original guy is 40, very attractive, successful, and kind-hearted. But you are right, that doesn't negate insecurities!

 

In my case it was more annoying than jerky so I was happy to talk to him about it and see what the deal was.

[loyal]

In my case it was more annoying than jerky so I was happy to talk to him about it and see what the deal was.

 

How did you approach that?

[Batya33]

How did you approach that?

 

Simply and directly. I said to him that I was concerned about how he was commenting on when I was online on the dating site on which we met (we were not exclusive and of course I was meeting and chatting with others too), and uncomfortable with a comment he'd made about the contents of my purse. He saw in my purse -when I'd opened it to get something -that I had a few business cards in the main compartment. He questioned me on that -thinking that I'd said that I hadn't had time to go out a lot lately to events, etc - maybe I had said that because I remember work being so busy at that time -anyway I told him that the cards were from professional networking events/meetings (true). But it really bothered me that he even said that. It's weird. We'd been out 2-3 times by then, that's it. He immediately apologized very profusely and explained about the therapy/counseling. It was better as I said for about two weeks.

[katrina1980]

@katrina1980--

 

What would you say to him?

 

First, I think it’s important to decide if you truly want to move forward with him.

 

For me, I prefer and actually need a man to be direct, and not play these testing games when he feels insecure or confused, it can become extremely emotionally exhausting! BTDT, no thank you! Not anymore.

 

But if you think he’s worth it, start by asking him why he sent you that text? Be honest and tell him how receiving it made you feel, then gauge his reaction.

 

Do not take “I don’t know why” for answer, you need to be strong and send him the message you are not the type of girl that will tolerate any such bullshyt from him or anyone.

 

You don’t have to be mean or harsh about it, just assertive. Like I said, encourage HONESTY, not these stupid testing games.

 

On the other hand, he may end up telling you he only wants casual, and to continue multi-dating, and if that’s the case, decide if this is acceptable to you.

 

If it is, keep going, if not (which it doesn’t sound like it is), then wish him well and say goodbye.

 

If you want honesty from him, you must be honest too, not only with him, but with yourself. Mostly with yourself.

 

Up until a few years ago, I did a lot of pretending in my relationships, pretending to be this "cool" girl that always went along with the guy's agenda, whatever that agenda happened to be.

 

I have since learned, stopped pretending and now always try to be honest, I am no longer afraid to express a little vulnerability either.

 

If I get hurt, so be it, it's not the end of the world, life goes on.

[bluecastle]

Great advice from, K, particularly that "first" bit.

 

For me there is no turn off like insecurity, especially when it manifests in someone behaving like a jerk. A dunce? A klutz? An airhead? A touch too stoic or chilly? I've got some wiggle room there, since I can be those things when bit by the mosquito of anxiety and insecurity.

 

Facts are facts here, and those facts are (unless I'm wrong), that this man is having sex with you while live texting you about a first date with someone else. The single best case explanation of that—"I'm really sorry, loyal, I really like you, really like what we have, have been confused and freaked out and didn't even want to go on that date, I want to be exploring you and only you, but it all came out sideways..."—doesn't negate the fact that he dealt with all that by acting like a jerk.

 

What does that forecast for what could be? And do you want this moment to be the foundation for you two taking that "next step"? Those are the questions I'd be asking right now, and it's totally cool if the answer is: yeah, I can see us laughing about all this in a month (as well as: yeah, I can laugh about this whole thing in a day if his response sucks).

 

But if the answer is: um, no, I'd rather this not be the way I get into a relationship—well, then there's no need to say a thing.

[loyal]

Thank you, everyone! I have decided to just let it go. You all are right; I don’t need a relationship with someone who is petty or manipulative. I’m over it!

[loyal]

Update: I stopped responding to him and we haven't really had any communication since last week. Today, however, he sent me a picture of the woman...in a hotel....in the mountains...in their room.

I just responded "It looks like things are going well!" And I don't plan on being in contact with him again.

[katrina1980]

I have absolutely no clue what type of game this bozo is playing but I think the below quote is the best course of action.

 

Do you have the ability to block him or divert his texts directly to your trash?

 

This way you don't have to subject yourself to his ridiculous antics and begin moving on.

 

 

I don't plan on being in contact with him again.

[bluecastle]

Ugh.

 

Allow yourself a moment to nominate him, in your mind, for first place in the Crappy Human Awards. Then block him. This is about the lamest guy I've heard about in a long time, and the problem with his brand of lame is that any response from you will just be treated as an invitation for more lame behavior.

 

Sorry you went through this, but good to know, now, what you were even remotely considering taking to the next level. Impossible to level up when you're dealing with people who live below ground, in sewer systems.