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  1. Thankyou everyone. Lots of good viewpoints and lots for me to consider. Just some more information that was requested across several posts: Yes, we both work full time/can support ourselves. I have previously rented several places. I moved back in with my parents prior to the first Covid lockdown just to help them out. I'm not looking to spend any more 'dead money' on rent, and will be looking to buy a house in the near future. I can afford to purchase a house on my own if I needed to. I'm not trying to buy a house with my GF just to use her as an investor. We do not live together currently, but we have spent time living together previously in the relationship at various points, for varying lengths of time (eg we cohabited during the second Covid lockdown, and there was a month where her parents asked us to live in a property that they owned when they were without a tenant, for security purposes). So we have 'trialed' living together before, and there were no issues. My Libertarian views aren't just an excuse to try and avoid marriage. I won't put you all through the pain of boring you all with my personal philosophies haha, but I thought it was important to list it as one of my reasons. I agree that there is no point in us all trying to explain marriage to each other, as it will mean something different to everyone. I understand this now following this discussion, so thanks 🙂 The general sentiment here is that we shouldn't get into a mortgage together if we have differing views about the future, and I totally agree. This is why I made the post in the first place as I'm figuring out how to navigate this. I will talk to my GF on this and update here after our conversation. Many thanks.
  2. Because we want to live together 🙂 You're right. I don't think there's much more to be said until I talk about this with her. Thanks everyone 🙂
  3. What makes you say that? I don't think that my relationship with her will definitely come to an end. But is it not prudent to take such precautions towards these types of things? I appreciate your replies, cheers.
  4. I don't think I have trust issues. I trust my GF implicitly. The 'past hurt' was a long time ago and it no longer bothers me. I don't believe she's paying any dues, I don't distrust her or mistreat her etc. Like I stated earlier, I'm not afraid to commit, as I know a mortgage is a giant commitment (more than a marriage IMO). I disagree that a marriage is the ''proper way'' to commit. I don't even know what that means really, surely all couples are different and there's no set route for any of them...? I'm not trying to argue with you, I know you were trying to help. I'm just clearing it up. Thanks for your comments 🙂
  5. Thanks for the advice. We are not currently living together. But if we were, even only in a rent capacity, then yes we would take out an agreement to avoid the complex nature of it should the relationship go South.
  6. I agree, I would have declined. Don't let them take too much of an advantage by getting you to pay for everything. You don't know these women, you don't owe them anything. If you're happy to go along for the sake of your friend (the bride) then that's fine I suppose. Just ignore the attitudes of the other women... it's about the bride, not them. You say you are invited to the wedding ceremony but not the wedding.... is that not the same thing?
  7. I honestly don't know what will happen if she's dead set on getting married. She's aware. I guess I need to talk to her about which one she actually cares about. Perhaps it's both. Yes I have spoken to a solicitor. In the event of us getting a mortgage together, we would have a Deed Of Trust / Co-Habitation Agreement drawn up. The two of us have already discussed this and agree it's a good idea for both parties to have this in place.
  8. I know. Unfortunately I can't really get away from that one, haha. The legally binding marriage relationship is just another involvement that I don't really want. Agreed... which is why I'm very happy for others to get married, and choose to do whatever they like. And also why I don't really want to mess up my GF's dreams if her choice has always been to get married. Thanks for all of your replies 🙂
  9. It's not just about the situation with my ex. I have always held this opinion about marriage, long before that relationship. I don't feel like it's a chip on my shoulder. It was years ago and everyone has moved on. Adding: I didn't live with that ex or have any debt with her etc.
  10. Yes of course you are correct, hence me making this post. I just meant that the general difference in opinion between people on marriage is fine.
  11. I don't think anyone would be pushing for a wedding. And even if they were I don't think she would be bothered by it. If she really wants to get married, it will be her own decision, for whatever reasons that might be. I'll talk to her about it again, and get some more information.
  12. Thankyou everyone for all the replies. I understand why you deduced this from my post, it was my poor wording with ''things going bad''. But I am in the relationship for the long term, and I'm not going to run at the first time of hardship. The reason I mentioned ''things going bad'' in the relationship is because previously I was in a relationship with a girl where I thought everything was great, and it turned out she was cheating on me with my best friend. So I guess I have these past lessons that taught me that people change their minds on relationships all the time (just look at the divorce rate). So that puts me off getting into a legal relationship with someone. This is the part that I just don't understand. If we're in a committed relationship, love and support each other, have a great time, provide and contribute to build a life together, and all of the other things that would be expected of a relationship - then why on Earth do we need to make that legally official? I don't see how that makes any difference whatsoever. I should probably point out that I'm a bit of a Libertarian at heart, and the thought of the Government being involved any more than they need to be (especially in a relationship between a couple!) makes me shudder. 😅 Yes I understand this. I've never bashed anyone who is married - I have been a Best Man twice and have been to 2 weddings of my close friends in the last month. I get that marriage is great for some people, I guess I've just never understood why. I suppose the bottom line is that it's a difference in opinion, and that's fine. I'll have this conversation with her. And I'll just listen. She knows my standpoint on it already so I guess there's no need for me to hammer the point home. There was several comments regarding the difference between a marriage and a wedding, which I understand. I don't know which one my GF wants more... I'm guessing it's the big wedding day, but I'll see what she says about that. Someone asked what our opinion on having children was - we both agree that we don't want kids. Cheers.
  13. Thanks for your reply Wiseman. When buying the house, we will have everything in place legally via solicitors so that our interests in the property are protected should anything happen between us. Here in the UK we can draw up a Deed Of Trust for an unrelated couple buying a house together, so I'm not too worried about this aspect of it. We want to live together so that we can have our own place, and build a life together. I just don't see why that life together has to include a party day that costs £20,000 and a couple of rings! 🤷‍♂️ It just seems like a waste of money to me....
  14. Hi Everyone, I am a 30 year old guy, in a relationship with a girl the same age as me. We have been together for 3 years now. Everything is great and we are currently looking at buying a house together. I'm worried that we have differing opinions about marriage. I have never wanted to get married. I have always made this clear. She has always been kind of wishy-washy about it and I didn't think it was a big deal, until a couple of times recently that she has made comments about wanting to get married. I've explained to her that I don't really understand the concept of a marriage. IMO, I don't see the point in spending tens of thousands on a wedding day, and entering a legal contract which makes things very tricky if anything was to go wrong in the relationship. And following the wedding, nothing is different about the day to day life of the relationship between married and not married, so what's the point? Perhaps I am hoping for someone to explain the concept to me. Every time I have asked people why they want to get married (including several of my friends who are married) I have only ever had meaningless answers back, like ''it's nice'', or ''I don't really know but we just wanted to''. It's not the commitment that I'm worried about... I am very happy to stay with this girl forever, and to enter into a mortgage with her which would tie us together financially for many years and put us in hundreds of thousands worth of debt together. To me, that's a far bigger commitment than the concept of a marriage. To be honest, I think I'll struggle to come around to the idea of wanting to get married. I have always felt this way about it. I feel like I want to convince her that we don't need to get married.... but equally, if that is what she wants, then I don't really want to be the guy that's ruining that for her. I know we need to iron this out before signing a mortgage.... but I feel it's a rock and a hard place, and I don't want to lose her. Any of your thoughts are appreciated. Oh, and no offence meant to anybody who is married... you do you! 🙂 Thanks!
  15. I agree. I think the odds are massively against you from the beginning here. Also, I think it's going to come off as weird if after one meeting you tell her you're going to start re-arranging flights etc for her. You'll come on too strong and probably scare her off. Unfortunately, I think the best thing to do here is to let her go. It will probably save you a whole load of headache.
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