tired of my wife overreacting to everything.

[katrina1980]

i would gladly compromise on any issue, at first she was a stay at home mom, now i am a stay at home dad workiing online and she works morning 8am to 1pm

 

i really dont know if am trying to be controlling. please read below.

 

so last sunday she said we go to childrens fair and we went, he played there and then he saw toys. so i bought for him 1, a toy priced at 5usd. i was lectured, why did you buy him this toy here when we can get the same thing elsewhere at half price. and i was looked at with disgust.

 

would any of you parents take your child to place loaded with toys and deny him? or tell him i will buy the same thing for you tomorow when we go downtown? i was told off.

 

ironically she the madam wants to eat burgers double price there when she can eat them half priced at home. is that really fair, i eat out because i came out and saw a restaurant although it wasnt our plan to eat out. but i deny my child a 5usd toy despite the fact that i came here for him. however i let it go and dint say anything.

 

would you as a mother or father see the need to consult your partner to buy a5usd toy?

 

I don't know, I am not a parent, but given everything you have posted, it sounds like your wife doesn't like you very much, she doesn't respect you, or your opinion, becomes annoyed at you easily.

 

Jmo but your issues go far beyond how best to raise your child.

 

Your poor child, your wife is using him as a pawn to vomit all her frustrations about you, on you.

 

I would suggest the next time she pulls this bs, assertively ask her what the REAL problem is. Because surely she has one, over and above your differences re how to raise your son.

[silver756]

What i see is a mother trying to constantly undermine her husband vs being a united front. Even if they are in agreement on childraising in some areas, she quickly in front of the child shows that she disagrees with dad. She is telling you she has higher privelege as a mother and can do things you cannot (if we were talking about breastfeeding or giving birth - then no one can argue with that) but if she feels that mothers can give more candy just because they are a mother, then that's bunk. Grandparents can pull that card occasionally, though). Could she be jealous that you seem to have a better handle sometimes to get good behavior from the child, while she does not?

 

Next time you go take the child to a fair, agree ahead of time if you will buy a souvenir for your kid or not -- and if you agree no, or you agree yes, can you both stick to it? I bet if you agree with her that its a no, then she will do a 180 at the fair and indulge the child.

 

yes i have a better handle because of my happy go lucky personality, i make things for him fun to do.

and for that too i have been told off.

 

she tells me i am trying to be the fun dad because i dont spend enough time with him.so i am basically trying to cover that up by doing fun stuff with him like go cycling once a week.

 

and now when its his holidays and she goes for work and i put for him food and stuff during the mornings, he is well behaved and does whatever he wants. when she comes back she starts by taking control. do this, do that bath this way bath that way. if he starts feeling bad and tells her to stop telling him to this and that all the time, she comes to me and tells me i am spoiling him. he is a kid, what do you expect me to do? i should constantly be on his head telling him what to do and what not to do?

[silver756]

I don't know, I am not a parent, but given everything you have posted, it sounds like your wife doesn't like you very much, she doesn't respect you, or your opinion, becomes annoyed at you easily.

 

Jmo but your issues go far beyond how best to raise your child.

 

Your poor child, your wife is using him as a pawn to vomit all her frustrations about you, on you.

 

I would suggest the next time she pulls this bs, assertively ask her what the REAL problem is. Because surely she has one, over and above your differences re how to raise your son.

 

shall do that

[ThatwasThen]

You would be surprised how not being on the same page about child rearing can cause animosity and disrespect within a relationship. Particularly if one is doing most of the work while the other just steps in when it suits him/her. That's why its important to discuss child rearing ideas with one's SO before having children. Ideally, it's a partnership wherein couples have each other's back so that the children know that they can't play one against the other.

 

shall do that

Oh, please let us know how that goes over. Should be an interesting read.

 

BTW: Once junior is in bed, how is your relationship with your wife? Do you have fun together as a couple? Do you love and respect one another? Do you always feels hen pecked? What? The only examples you have given are when your son is involved.

[abitbroken]

yes i have a better handle because of my happy go lucky personality, i make things for him fun to do.

and for that too i have been told off.

 

she tells me i am trying to be the fun dad because i dont spend enough time with him.so i am basically trying to cover that up by doing fun stuff with him like go cycling once a week.

 

and now when its his holidays and she goes for work and i put for him food and stuff during the mornings, he is well behaved and does whatever he wants. when she comes back she starts by taking control. do this, do that bath this way bath that way. if he starts feeling bad and tells her to stop telling him to this and that all the time, she comes to me and tells me i am spoiling him. he is a kid, what do you expect me to do? i should constantly be on his head telling him what to do and what not to do?

 

Is okay to be "fun" as long as the child is doing everything they are supposed to. laughing often is important. can there be a happy medium? The child has free unsctructured time to play while with you but sometimes doesn't get to do "everything he wants". -- the child has to help pick up, get in the direction of going to school cooperatively, etc. It seems that you can't win, though, i will give you that. Will she lay off if the child's stuff is picked up, etc, by the time she gest home?

[silver756]

You would be surprised how not being on the same page about child rearing can cause animosity and disrespect within a relationship. Particularly if one is doing most of the work while the other just steps in when it suits him/her. That's why its important to discuss child rearing ideas with one's SO before having children. Ideally, it's a partnership wherein couples have each other's back so that the children know that they can't play one against the other.

 

Oh, please let us know how that goes over. Should be an interesting read.

 

BTW: Once junior is in bed, how is your relationship with your wife? Do you have fun together as a couple? Do you love and respect one another? Do you always feels hen pecked? What? The only examples you have given are when your son is involved.

 

i dont know if you can feel something for your husband if he constantly there faultfinding and arguing with you about every little thing. would you?

atm our relationship is like titanic, not the romantic parts, the sinking type

[katrina1980]

shall do that

 

Not sure if you were just being facetious, but it doesn't have to be nasty or even this huge deal.

 

Simply ask her, the next time she goes off on you about how you treat your son, or perhaps wait till later, until he's in bed and you're alone, if there is another, bigger issue at play. Something that's bothering her about you other than this.

 

In short, communicate.

 

Have you done that lately, not only about your son but about the two of you?

 

I echo TwT when she asked how is everything else going? Do you have fun, do you still have sex? Is she warm and affectionate outside of these differences re your son?

 

Also, you said you're "happy go lucky" (easy going), please know that to your wife, this can also come across as passive, which in and of itself can be frustrating and annoying.

[katrina1980]

 

atm our relationship is like titanic, not the romantic parts, the sinking type

 

I posted earlier it didn't sound like she likes you very much or respects you.

 

So let me as you the same thing. Do you like her and respect her?

 

It doesn't sound like it.

[ThatwasThen]

i dont know if you can feel something for your husband if he constantly there faultfinding and arguing with you about every little thing. would you?

atm our relationship is like titanic, not the romantic parts, the sinking type

If you care about keeping your son in a loving family dynamic then you will ask her about going to marriage counseling with you. If that doesn't work then the next step is divorce and family counseling so that you learn how to be good parents who are at least friendly with one another for the sake of your child.

 

Also, you said you're "happy go lucky" (easy going), please know that to your wife, this can also come across as passive, which in and of itself can be frustrating and annoying.

 

I agree and I'll add that your child is noticing all of this even if you don't think he is. Is he a compliant child generally or do you have to bribe him to do anything you want/need him to do?

[silver756]

Not sure if you were just being facetious, but it doesn't have to be nasty or even this huge deal.

 

Simply ask her, the next time she goes off on you about how you treat your son, or perhaps wait till later, until he's in bed and you're alone, if there is another, bigger issue at play. Something that's bothering her about you other than this.

 

In short, communicate.

 

Have you done that lately, not only about your son but about the two of you?

 

I echo TwT when she asked how is everything else going? Do you have fun, do you still have sex? Is she warm and affectionate outside of these differences re your son?

 

Also, you said you're "happy go lucky" (easy going), please know that to your wife, this can also come across as passive, which in and of itself can be frustrating and annoying.

 

we have communicated but solved nothing yet.

your point on easy going is what i think pisses her off. what should i do then?

[Batya33]

Haven’t read the whole thing yet. I really try hard not to reward related to what he eats or how much - he is 10 now. I will tell him “if you’re not hungry enough to eat your meal then you obviously have no room for dessert”.

 

With crusts I do not remove them. Sometimes he eats them (but did not at age 6) and sometimes not. I do not remove them. If he leaves over actual bread I might point that out but in general I try not to “make” him eat things or eat more. For years I made him eat an egg for breakfast on school mornings and yes of course there are nutritional benefits and it’s fast for a rushed morning but you know he now mostly hates eggs and I stopped when it became a real battle.

As far as parenting conflicts we do our best to communicate but for example I remember when he let our son taste chocolate milk for the first time and I was upset - was afraid he’d stop liking “white” milk and I felt he went against my wishes. I learned from that. He does love regular milk and we now do some chocolate milk occasionally as a treat and he’s fine with that. My husband didn’t realize I didn’t want him ever to try it at that age. And it showed me again how important it is to talk things out and be clear about expectations. And how the primary caregiver - at that time - me- has to be careful not to pull the “I’m here full time so it’s my way or....”. Good luck and sorry if I am off topic at this point.

[silver756]

I posted earlier it didn't sound like she likes you very much or respects you.

 

So let me as you the same thing. Do you like her and respect her?

 

It doesn't sound like it.

 

i dont like her, i love her. but m slowly losing respect for her and thats also affecting the being affectionate part of me.

[silver756]

Not sure if you were just being facetious, but it doesn't have to be nasty or even this huge deal.

 

Simply ask her, the next time she goes off on you about how you treat your son, or perhaps wait till later, until he's in bed and you're alone, if there is another, bigger issue at play. Something that's bothering her about you other than this.

 

In short, communicate.

 

Have you done that lately, not only about your son but about the two of you?

 

I echo TwT when she asked how is everything else going? Do you have fun, do you still have sex? Is she warm and affectionate outside of these differences re your son?

 

Also, you said you're "happy go lucky" (easy going), please know that to your wife, this can also come across as passive, which in and of itself can be frustrating and annoying.

 

this can also come across as passive, which in and of itself can be frustrating and annoying...

please can you tell me what i should do to change this? as in how do i stop being easy going. she too has mentioned it indirectly. give me your suggestions.

[katrina1980]

this can also come across as passive, which in and of itself can be frustrating and annoying...

please can you tell me what i should do to change this? as in how do i stop being easy going. she too has mentioned it indirectly. give me your suggestions.

 

If your nature is easy going and passive, there is nothing to do. Some women who are more dominant enjoy a more passive man.

 

Apparently however, since she mentioned (indirectly) that it annoys her, it means that you're not compatible. At least not anymore.

 

Which begs the question, why did you ever get married? Were you always easy going/passive?

 

Or did you pull a bait and switch or something after marriage?

 

If not, why is this suddenly bothering her?

 

If it were me, I would not be sitting on this, talk to her, get to the bottom of it so you can hopefully resolve it assuming you want to remain in the marriage.

 

Do you? And not just for your son, but because you love her and want her to be your life mate.

[Batya33]

You know my husband and I have certain different approaches but when a couple respects each other and can step back and step outside of themselves and really absorb what the other parent is doing even if it's different than what he or she would do - you can learn another way and even if you never do things that other way it might seep in in other ways. My husband often has the lighter touch, the humorous touch when things get dicey and even if I think it's "too" humorous (i.e. undermines our son treating the situation with seriousness) I shut up, step back and see how it turns out. And learn some good tips/hacks that way.

 

Oh and on the toy thing - we often discuss it in advance and if he chooses a ridiculously overpriced souvenir sometimes I'll check Amazon to see if we can order it online for cheaper - I do this also at stores like Target - no I'm not going to throw money around for a souvenir that's not worth it. As a result my son often makes very reasonable choices - a book or a small memento, etc. And often I will say "we're not buying anything/going to the gift shop" and he really is ok with it. I personally do not like the habit of buying something just to buy something.

 

It's about respect - even if sometimes the united front falls apart or almost -if you respect each other then you can rebalance quickly and get back on track. But you have to have that foundation of respect. Oh and love too!

[katrina1980]

 

It's about respect - even if sometimes the united front falls apart or almost -if you respect each other then you can rebalance quickly and get back on track. But you have to have that foundation of respect. Oh and love too!

 

Exactly!

 

I have my doubts that she respects you, but you still have not answered my earlier questions, do you respect her? And love her?

[abitbroken]

Sometimes people get gridlocked into a pattern -- one is the instigator, the other is the foil.

Sometimes it shocks people when you don't fulfill your "role".

 

The next time she puts up a fuss - don't get into your usual power struggle.

If you know she hits the wall when the playroom is not clean - you have your son clean it with your guidance/help

If the routine is for her to storm on home and start ordering your child around and you say "lay off" - instead when she comes home do something else "i am going outside." And don't be there for your usual roll of trying to diffuse her. It will shock her as all get out if she has no one to disagree with or nag about

[arjumand]

I think your wife has enormous anger at you for your financial situation and your job choices and she is putting your child in the middle of her anger. Although you downplayed your refusal to get a job while your business failed, and now you are a trader, that probably put her in a very bad position when she was not able to get a job. That is a big deal. Is she handling it well? No. Are you handling it well? Probably not, because you are not seeing how that made the problems you are facing.

 

Really, the only way to deal with is marital counseling. That can help both of you deal with built up anger and learn to communicate and parent better. This is not something that can be fixed by little chats and strategies. A good marriage counselor, and two people who actually want to improve a relationship, can really make changes. But you have to find a counselor, make the appointments, and do the work.

[Cherylyn]

Don't quibble and bicker.

 

When my son was a toddler and preschooler, I had to chase him all over the house in order to get him to take a bite of food. He simply was never interested in eating, period. He eventually grew up and nowadays he eats everything. He's more daring than his parents when it comes to high cuisine. Go figure.

 

Don't lose sleep over this.

 

I suggest professional marriage counseling intervention. Your wife's problem is more than about bread 'n butter and rewards. She has psychological and control issues. This is the root of the problem before deciding how to raise your son.

[Wiseman2]

Pick your battles. This isn't about bread crust, it's about damaging your kids with a power struggle and bickering over nonsense. Get into marriage therapy asap. Also you need some guidance on parenting. It's not a prison system. Your wife is correct . Your parenting seems draconian, damaging and woefully misguided. Obsessing over bread crust is your issue, not your kids.

i tried the rewarding approach and told him that if he eats the whole bread any day he gets 1 point, and after 20points i will reward him with a gift.

now i may be wrong for this approach but i dont think i deserve to be looked at like a criminal for this.

however my wife reacted that way. ,"how can you do this to him? how can you force him to eat full bread. you have no right to reward him over food and eating habits. ask anyone and they will tell you how bad it is to do this to a child. you are traumatising him".

[MissCanuck]

How was your marriage before you had a child? How long did you two date before you married? I am trying to understand if these problems have always existed and you just didn't know each other well enough to really see them yet, or if these really started cropping up when your lack of employment became an issue.

 

I maintain that I really don't think the main problem is parenting. Your wife seems to be very angry with you, but cloaks that anger as related to child-rearing. She might not even consciously realize she is doing this, but that's how I read it. There are other things bothering her. Perhaps it's frustration from the years you didn't work; maybe there's more to it.

 

I would strongly recommend marital counselling for you two. If not for your own sake, and hers, then for your son's. Sooner or later, he is going to become much more aware of the tension between you two and it will affect him.

[Wiseman2]

You are painting yourself as a victim of your wife. Yet the tug of war takes two. Your child, not you, is the victim here. The victim of two adults riding on their high horses and whining about each other being "wrong". You need marriage therapy to sort all this out. Stop using the "saving the world" bs to justify your bread crust nonsense. Stop bickering over pennies and dimes.

[rubixcube19]

i really need help guys, my wife over reacts to the tiniest issue and makes it a huge deal. how do i handle this?

 

Without even reading the full post, I already can tell you that she's over reacting to everything because there is an unresolved issue, like you have done something but not noticed you have done it, shes waiting for you talk to her or at least acknowledge a mistake somewhere along the line. She will probably vent pretty hard at you if you talk to her about it but after that, the air should be clear and she will go back to normal.

[catfeeder]

this can also come across as passive, which in and of itself can be frustrating and annoying...

please can you tell me what i should do to change this? as in how do i stop being easy going. she too has mentioned it indirectly. give me your suggestions.

 

Easy going doesn't mean being so passive that your wife feels as though she's the only parent in a household with two children. If she believes that you are dismissive of her concerns, that can feel like a big burden on her shoulders, and it will breed resentment.

 

I'd step up my side of conversations with supportive statements, even when you don't agree. For instance, "I hear that this is important to you." "I can understand your position on this." "I didn't think of that, so let me consider it."

 

Don't follow with "but...," which only negates anything you've said before the "but..."

 

You can build wife's trust in your judgement over time by allowing some of the small stuff to go her way. Look her in the eyes when you speak with her, make statements that confirm that you are listening to her. You can invest in skipping a few smaller arguments to build a platform of trust for fair negotiations.

 

Negotiating isn't arguing, it's offering something of value to wife in exchange for something of value to you. Bribery is the fine art of showing someone why giving you what you want is in their bests interests. It's an offer to make a trade worth her while.

 

Pick your battles, demonstrate a willingness to hear and understand what's important to wife--and why. From there you can ask wife to join you in learning how to negotiate with one another. If that means attending counseling together, ask her whether she'll do that with you. I wouldn't frame it as some punishment for HER behavior, that's not inspiring. Instead, I'd propose it as wanting to learn how to become a better husband for her. It can remain unspoken that she will also learn how to become a better wife for you.

 

Head high, and focus on the bigger picture.

[kamurj]

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