Don't know how to deal with my boyfriend's anger management issues

[Sge57]

btw, abuse or no abuse -- the simple fact is after the 1-2 year mark (really the 6-8 month mark) we should start deciding if this person has long term potential - i.e. if this person is the man you want to marry in the future. What qualities make him incompatible with you. Anyone can tell jokes, enjoy talking about movies, etc, be courteous in public, but when it comes down to this -- imagine living and raising kids with someone with uncontrollable anger - anger spent on a coffee. A coffee. Imagine when something actually serious happened.

 

That's something I thought of countless times. I can't say that I see a future with him right now. The thing is that when we talk about stuff like raising kids our values and how we want to raise our kids is so much alike. It does scare me though that it he has these outbursts with me, he probably is going to have them with our kids

[abitbroken]

Why would you have been afraid he would hit you if the anger wasn't directed at you. Having enough anger directed at you that you think he might hit you is enough of a problem on its own, and that he was merely surprised when you said you thought of leaving him in those moments, but doesn't seem to have made the kind of big step you sound like you were hoping for says a lot.

 

Let's say it was not directed at her --- i would still be afraid of getting hit "in the crossfire". Like a child who starts to lay on the floor and kick and bite and throw things randomly. A total stranger walking by could be hurt, too

[Sge57]

Let's say it was not directed at her --- i would still be afraid of getting hit "in the crossfire". Like a child who starts to lay on the floor and kick and bite and throw things randomly. A total stranger walking by could be hurt, too

 

That's what I'm scared of. I don't think he's the type of person that would hit a woman or abuse a woman, but he just seems to find everything triggering. My dad also gets angry easily but he has never ever layed a hand on my mom or me or my siblings or anyone for that matter. With that being said I do get scared when my bf shouts even if I don't show it to him ( i yell back), because I'm just thinking imagine him having a hard day and me doing something serious but wrong. How will he react? It's really like walking on eggshells like other people said so. But for me having doubts is just not enough to end a 2 year long relationship at this point that makes me feel happy. I will definitely try to shake him up and just make him realise how important this is and that if it keeps getting worse i'm gone and if that doesn't work then I have no other choice but to leave him

[abitbroken]

That's something I thought of countless times. I can't say that I see a future with him right now. The thing is that when we talk about stuff like raising kids our values and how we want to raise our kids is so much alike. It does scare me though that it he has these outbursts with me, he probably is going to have them with our kids

 

Words matter up until the point of action. It doesn't matter public vs parochial vs Montessori school or free range kid vs helicopter vs infant ear piercing vs not. = a house where dad or mom bursts into anger at the littlest perceived slight affects the future of the child the most. By any chance was your boyfriends dad or grandfather an alcoholic? I remember learning that sometimes when someone was raised by an alcoholic but not one themselves, they still have the raging behavior. My ex's grandfather died of his alcoholism and even though his dad didn't drink ever and did not have a drinking problem, when he got made he sounded like he was in an alcoholic rage because that's how he was treated himself.

 

What about your boyfriend's mom? What is she like? Does or the dad yell at her? How do his parents react to his anger?

 

I posted a reply and explained what we were saying exactly during the fight. I still don't it's criticism since there was no name calling or anything like that, plus I as well said similar things to what he was saying. It's true I didn't do anything to deserve him getting mad over nothing, but when I said we both admit our mistakes does not mean I admit it's my fault this happened. In the example I gave it's true I didn't do anything wrong to begin with,but in other more serious situations it was my fault so I do admit that and he admits what he did wrong. To be honest he rarely says he shouldn't have yelled he always stood by it until I told him about breaking up. There have been times when I was yelled at for not doing anything and those times he did apologise and explain himself. I understand once in a while being in a bad mood and just having an outburst of anger, we've all done this, so I don't think that's a problem, the problem is that when I do something wrong he should be able to deal with it more calmly.

 

Okay - let me REPEAT myself - it is NEVER EVER your fault for him yelling. Unless you are walking into a burning building that you don't know is burning, he should NOT yell at you. NEVER. people can say "i am not happy with that" without going into a rage. You can't tell me anything you could have done to warrant a rage.

 

He is an adult and by now, he should not be yelling at someone just because he is in a bad mood. He should recognize he is in a bad mood and if he should have ways to self soothe to cheer himself up whether that means he cancels a date to go running to blow off some steam, shelves what he is upset about at work for later, talks it through with someone - whatever. it is NOt up to you to teach him. He should have those skills already as an adult.

[abitbroken]

That's what I'm scared of. I don't think he's the type of person that would hit a woman or abuse a woman, but he just seems to find everything triggering. My dad also gets angry easily but he has never ever layed a hand on my mom or me or my siblings or anyone for that matter. With that being said I do get scared when my bf shouts even if I don't show it to him ( i yell back), because I'm just thinking imagine him having a hard day and me doing something serious but wrong. How will he react? It's really like walking on eggshells like other people said so. But for me having doubts is just not enough to end a 2 year long relationship at this point that makes me feel happy. I will definitely try to shake him up and just make him realise how important this is and that if it keeps getting worse i'm gone and if that doesn't work then I have no other choice but to leave him

 

One of my ex in-laws told me my ex was a wonderful man, i should kiss the ground he walked on because some women have husbands that break their arms so i am lucky. That sounds rediculous right. So does "being quick to anger is okay as long as someone doesn't hit you"

 

Could you be tolerant of this because he reminds you of dad?

If its not enough to end a relationship, then what is?

Please keep in mind someone doesn't have to "do" something to the other person to warrant a breakup. It can just be that the person does not fit the long term.

There are people who break up because their lives are going in different directions, they have different goals, even though they are perfectly lovely people its just not a marriage match.

 

I think you are waiting for him to REALLY cross the line to leave him (ie., he hits you, is arrested for anger against someone else, causes you both to be asked to leave a place), and when he does, you will change the bar --- it was enough this time for you to have sought out advice, so there is that.

 

So - do you want a repeat of how your father always yelled at everybody - walking on eggshells, seeing mom yelled at, or do you want something better out of life? and dad didn't change, but you expect your boyfriend who has no interest in changing unless you threaten to breakup will?

[Sge57]

One of my ex in-laws told me my ex was a wonderful man, i should kiss the ground he walked on because some women have husbands that break their arms so i am lucky. That sounds rediculous right. So does "being quick to anger is okay as long as someone doesn't hit you"

 

Could you be tolerant of this because he reminds you of dad?

If its not enough to end a relationship, then what is?

Please keep in mind someone doesn't have to "do" something to the other person to warrant a breakup. It can just be that the person does not fit the long term.

There are people who break up because their lives are going in different directions, they have different goals, even though they are perfectly lovely people its just not a marriage match.

 

I think you are waiting for him to REALLY cross the line to leave him (ie., he hits you, is arrested for anger against someone else, causes you both to be asked to leave a place), and when he does, you will change the bar --- it was enough this time for you to have sought out advice, so there is that.

 

So - do you want a repeat of how your father always yelled at everybody - walking on eggshells, seeing mom yelled at, or do you want something better out of life? and dad didn't change, but you expect your boyfriend who has no interest in changing unless you threaten to breakup will?

 

When did i mention that my dad yelled at my mum and especially please show me the part I said that my dad yelled at everybody. I literally said that nothing like that happened. I said he would get mad. Being angry about stuff happening in your life doesn't equal yelling or anything like that. Please if you want to help try to not take anything out of context. English is not my first language so I understand that there could be some confusion about some things I'm probably not explaining correctly. I mentioned my dad because I wanted to show you an example of someone who is a person that gets angry a lot but controls it. He doesn't remind me of my bf in any way, shape, or form. They are coomplete opposites.

 

I am waiting for him to cross a line that's true and you're right people break up for less but I love him and I want to try to make it work first and then break up. I don't want to feel like I didn't try and just left when the first problem occurred.

[Sge57]

Words matter up until the point of action. It doesn't matter public vs parochial vs Montessori school or free range kid vs helicopter vs infant ear piercing vs not. = a house where dad or mom bursts into anger at the littlest perceived slight affects the future of the child the most. By any chance was your boyfriends dad or grandfather an alcoholic? I remember learning that sometimes when someone was raised by an alcoholic but not one themselves, they still have the raging behavior. My ex's grandfather died of his alcoholism and even though his dad didn't drink ever and did not have a drinking problem, when he got made he sounded like he was in an alcoholic rage because that's how he was treated himself.

 

What about your boyfriend's mom? What is she like? Does or the dad yell at her? How do his parents react to his anger?

 

 

 

Okay - let me REPEAT myself - it is NEVER EVER your fault for him yelling. Unless you are walking into a burning building that you don't know is burning, he should NOT yell at you. NEVER. people can say "i am not happy with that" without going into a rage. You can't tell me anything you could have done to warrant a rage.

 

He is an adult and by now, he should not be yelling at someone just because he is in a bad mood. He should recognize he is in a bad mood and if he should have ways to self soothe to cheer himself up whether that means he cancels a date to go running to blow off some steam, shelves what he is upset about at work for later, talks it through with someone - whatever. it is NOt up to you to teach him. He should have those skills already as an adult.

 

None of his family members is an alcoholic. His mum is so lovely. His dad is exactly like him and he's actually proud that he is the same as his dad. (Just so that there won't be any misunderstandings again, i mean character-wise they are alike, not that his dad gets angry etc I don't know if that has ever happened (

[maew]

This won’t change OP. And of course he pretends nothing has happened he doesn’t want to change the behaviour.

 

There is nothing you can do about it... you either accept him for who he is and deal with his anger or you move on.

 

No one said it would be easy but I can tell you that if you stay you are in for a long and bumpy road of this nonsense with him.

[katrina1980]

Want to know why he keeps yelling and why he thinks it's okay? Because up until you told him it could be a dealbreaker, you were tolerating it. Accepting it. Even fostering it by getting angry back, you as much as admitted it.

 

I know you've been walking on eggshells and it will get worse, I promise you, until you develop a backbone and stand up to him. And tell him in no uncertain terms that IF he continues getting angry over trivial shyt and yelling at you, you WILL leave him, no ifs, ands or buts.

 

Then leave the room and let him think about that.

 

Me? I might not look it from the outside, but I can be very tough when warranted, and I've done that with my ex when things started to get bad, and he knew I meant it too!

 

He backed off for a few weeks, but the reason why he became somewhat "verbally abusive" (using that term loosely) was because unbeknownst to me at the time, he had gotten heavily into drugs (coke and meth). So it continued and escalated. I finally ended the relationship.

 

You say this started happening around 3 months ago? Have you noticed anything else, like him coming home later, or becoming withdrawn or anything like that?

 

Seems a bit strange that you've been dating two years, but this just started happening three months ago, which would suggest it's not his nature, but something else going on. Something perhaps more serious.

[Sge57]

Want to know why he keeps yelling and why he thinks it's okay? Because up until you told him it could be a dealbreaker, you were tolerating it. Accepting it. Even fostering it by getting angry back, you as much as admitted it.

 

I know you've been walking on eggshells and it will get worse, I promise you, until you develop a backbone and stand up to him. And tell him in no uncertain terms that IF he continues getting angry over trivial shyt and yelling at you, you WILL leave him, no ifs, ands or buts.

 

Then leave the room and let him think about that.

 

Me? I might not look it from the outside, but I can be very tough when warranted, and I've done that with my ex when things started to get bad, and he knew I meant it too!

 

He backed off for a few weeks, but heck the reason why he became somewhat "verbally abusive" (using that term loosely) was because unbeknownst to me at the time, he had gotten heavily into drugs (coke and meth). So it continued and escalated. I finally ended the relationship.

 

You say this started happening around 3 months ago? Have you noticed anything else, like him coming home later, or becoming withdrawn or anything like that?

 

Seems a bit strange that you've been dating two years, but this just started happening three months ago.

 

I don't know at the beginning he kept saying I was the only person that never makes him angry. I guess that changed

[saluk]

I don't know at the beginning he kept saying I was the only person that never makes him angry. I guess that changed

 

He said that at the beginning of these episodes, or at the beginning of the relationship?

[katrina1980]

I don't know at the beginning he kept saying I was the only person that never makes him angry. I guess that changed

 

So now you're back to saying that it is you who makes him angry.

 

I dunno Sge, like I said earlier, it's difficult to know what's going and how to help if you're not honest with yourself about exactly what's happening.

[katrina1980]

Maybe it's time for a serious heart-to-heart to get to the truth of this. The real truth.

 

Something's going on if, after two years of never or rarely getting angry and having outbursts, he suddenly starts.

 

Why not ask him? Calmly and respectfully. Ask him what the hell is going on with him? Why is he suddenly getting so angry and having outbursts after being this great boyfriend for two years?

 

I would. I would think it very strange if after two years of being this wonderful boyfriend, my bf suddenly started yelling and having outbursts over stupid sh**.

 

Frankly, I might even be a bit worried tbh. Something's not jiving.

 

STOP walking on eggshells and talk to him.

[Cope]

Please please please find the courage to leave!

I have been through EXACTLY that.

 

2 year relationship, and I should've got out earlier. You're describing my ex to a T. Statistically, this man will hit you at some point. He is already abusing you. Mine, hit my dog, nuff said. It will develop if he doesn't do anything about it and I'm afraid there's not much he can do even if he wanted therapy. My ex's dad and brother were the same. I really hope he managed his anger issues for he's sake, but I doubt it.

 

Anger issues are rooted very deep. The fact that your dad was like this too is just an indicator that you are accepting him. Don't . Just because you're used to it, doesn't make it ok. This guy will get physically abusive too, no doubt. You CAN leave. 2 years is nothing compared to what awaits. I know it can be hard. I know you're waiting for the right excise, but please, don't wait for the excuse that will send you to the hospital.

 

Edit to add: my ex was the sweetest. Every one was telling me how lucky I was....

[bluecastle]

You've mentioned a few times now what your response to his outbursts are. You yell back. In other words: small things trigger him to became a caveman and he triggers you to become a cavewoman. Putting aside the specifics of his actions and reactions—none of them good, all of them troubling and unhealthy—this is your dynamic, by and large, something you two have built together over the course of two years.

 

Also not good. Not healthy. Troubling.

 

My most generous read on that is that you two do not handle conflict well together. I mean, even now your "productive" approach is to see if you "shake him up." Just a phrase you reached for quickly, I know, but the phrases we reach for quickly are often telling. Even when English isn't our first language.

 

I don't know how old you are or what your relationship history is, but at a hair's breath from 40 one thing I've come to realize is that conflict resolution is almost a part of what we call "chemistry," and just as important as all the other parts of that chemistry experiment that is finding a partner. Just as it's really hard to have great sex with someone you have a mediocre sexual connection with, or mind-expanding conversations with someone you don't connect with intellectually, it's really hard to resolve conflict with someone with whom, well, conflict has a way of escalating rather than deescalating.

 

When I was younger this stuff was easier to overlook, since it was way less sexy than, you know, the stuff that is sexy. And so a week could become a month could become two years, and I'd realize all the ways I didn't pay attention to the fact that we weren't great when things got tough. I wonder if, if you look back with clear eyes, that resonates at all here.

 

I mean, someone saying you're the only person that never makes them mad? That's a sideways confession of "I get mad easily." You sure you've only seen it over the past three months, or is the lens just getting more focused on you?

[Sge57]

You've mentioned a few times now what your response to his outbursts are. You yell back. In other words: small things trigger him to became a caveman and he triggers you to become a cavewoman. Putting aside the specifics of his actions and reactions—none of them good, all of them troubling and unhealthy—this is your dynamic, by and large, something you two have built together over the course of two years.

 

Also not good. Not healthy. Troubling.

 

My most generous read on that is that you two do not handle conflict well together. I mean, even now your "productive" approach is to see if you "shake him up." Just a phrase you reached for quickly, I know, but the phrases we reach for quickly are often telling. Even when English isn't our first language.

 

I don't know how old you are or what your relationship history is, but at a hair's breath from 40 one thing I've come to realize is that conflict resolution is almost a part of what we call "chemistry," and just as important as all the other parts of that chemistry experiment that is finding a partner. Just as it's really hard to have great sex with someone you have a mediocre sexual connection with, or mind-expanding conversations with someone you don't connect with intellectually, it's really hard to resolve conflict with someone with whom, well, conflict has a way of escalating rather than deescalating.

 

When I was younger this stuff was easier to overlook, since it was way less sexy than, you know, the stuff that is sexy. And so a week could become a month could become two years, and I'd realize all the ways I didn't pay attention to the fact that we weren't great when things got tough. I wonder if, if you look back with clear eyes, that resonates at all here.

 

I mean, someone saying you're the only person that never makes them mad? That's a sideways confession of "I get mad easily." You sure you've only seen it over the past three months, or is the lens just getting more focused on you?

 

Thank you that was very helpful! I'm 19

[abitbroken]

When did i mention that my dad yelled at my mum and especially please show me the part I said that my dad yelled at everybody. I literally said that nothing like that happened. I said he would get mad. Being angry about stuff happening in your life doesn't equal yelling or anything like that. Please if you want to help try to not take anything out of context. English is not my first language so I understand that there could be some confusion about some things I'm probably not explaining correctly. I mentioned my dad because I wanted to show you an example of someone who is a person that gets angry a lot but controls it. He doesn't remind me of my bf in any way, shape, or form. They are coomplete opposites.

 

I am waiting for him to cross a line that's true and you're right people break up for less but I love him and I want to try to make it work first and then break up. I don't want to feel like I didn't try and just left when the first problem occurred.

 

He did already cross the line. He got angry and yelled at you for something that is basically spilt milk that is nothing. you are waiting for him to hit you or break something of yours, and then you will make excuses on why you will give him another chance.

 

You would nor have said "dad got angry a lot" if when dad was angry a lot, he removed himself from the situation and took a walk, went to his workshop or puttered around in his man cave or said "I am angry about what you did right now, so i am going to walk away for a minute. When i come back,let's talk about it". So i ASSUMED he yelled. It was implied. people usually only mention someone has a quick temper if it affected them.

[katrina1980]

 

I mean, someone saying you're the only person that never makes them mad? That's a sideways confession of "I get mad easily." You sure you've only seen it over the past three months, or is the lens just getting more focused on you?

 

Agree, but why is his anger lens getting more focused on her after two years? If I were dating him, that's what I'd like to know.

 

I dunno, I just think it's really strange. Like is he becoming unhappy in the relationship, is he feeling pressured, and/or beginning to feel "boxed in" after two years?

 

You're only 19, how old is he? Perhaps he's feeling a bit stifled by the seriousness of it, the expectations, the commitment, which is understandable if he is around your same age.

 

He may feel very conflicted about his feelings, and feeling anxious, and deals with that anxiety by lashing out.

 

It may even be a subconscious thing.

 

Again, if it were me I'd talk to him.

[Capricorn3]

You don’t “ deal with it” you leave .

 

That's my thoughts exactly. OP

And YES, it IS actually easy to pack up and leave an abusive situation like this - you show him you have enough self-respect by walking away and never looking back.

 

Whatever you do, for the love of all that is holy, please please do NOT marry or have kids with this man. Until he gets professional help, nothing will change.

[Cherylyn]

Never get involved with a hot head. Run for the hills! They spell nothing but trouble from Day 1 and they're bleeping WORTHLESS.

[saluk]

19 years old is the perfect age to ditch the clunker and go out and live your life. Find out who you are rather than trying to puzzle out who this guy is and why he is so angry with you.

[katrina1980]

19 years old is the perfect age to ditch the clunker and go out and live your life. Find out who you are rather than trying to puzzle out who this guy is and why he is so angry with you.

 

Oh second thought, yeah! Like hell yeah!

 

That's a much better idea.

[abitbroken]

Agree, but why is his anger lens getting more focused on her after two years? If I were dating him, that's what I'd like to know.

 

I dunno, I just think it's really strange. Like is he becoming unhappy in the relationship, is he feeling pressured, and/or beginning to feel "boxed in" after two years?

 

You're only 19, how old is he? Perhaps he's feeling a bit stifled by the seriousness of it, the expectations, the commitment, which is understandable if he is around your same age.

 

He may feel very conflicted about his feelings, and feeling anxious, and deals with that anxiety by lashing out.

 

It may even be a subconscious thing.

 

Again, if it were me I'd talk to him.

 

I am going to venture guess its because after 2 years, he is past the initial "courtship" phase - best food forward, etc, and is now comfortable in the relationship and his true self is coming out.

I would try a different tactic. Next time he yells, don't yell back. Calmly say "you can get mad if you choose. but as long as you are, I am going in the other room/going for a walk/going home/going to check out the salad bar. When you decide not to yell and be angry anymore, I will continue our date". Do NOT accept or assign blame to yourself at all when he is showing a temper.

 

And if you say this and he knee-jerks a sorry still say you will be back later.

 

Now, if you make an error and he calmly and with a smile on his face says "sweetie, sorry, but remember i am allergic to chocolate.? " when you bring him a hot chocolate instead of a caramel latte. Then say 'i am so sorry - i'll go reorder"

 

You show people how you want to be treated!

 

If he doesn't get a wake up call by that, then that's a last ditch and its time to find a man who has is anger under control and knows how to treat a woman right

[ThatwasThen]

It's not that easy we've been together for two years and in general he makes me so happy and we have a lot of fun together and I love him and he has many good qualities. And it's obviously not always bad, but I also feel like whenever something like that happens it's slowly eating me up inside.

Then why do you sit there after one of his outbursts and act like everything is alright when it's eating you up inside? You have to get a little more assertive and actually leave the situation if/when he gets angry to the point that you are being "eaten up inside." Currently by letting him go off on you like that and then ACTING like everything is okay afterwards, you are, in actions, showing him that his behaviour towards you is just fine. You are teaching him how to treat you so you need to change that and make it known, by leaving and talking to him about it later when he's calmed down and telling him that if it happens again, you are gone (and mean it). It's no wonder he was so shocked when you did finally say something to him about his behaviour because until then, he figured you were okay with it.

 

If he does it again after you show him in actions and tell him in words that you won't tolerate it, then you MUST leave, grieve and then when you are healed from the break up, find someone who can manage his anger because surely you realize that you can NOT put up with this kind of behaviour for a life time.

[Annia]

19 years old is the perfect age to ditch the clunker and go out and live your life. Find out who you are rather than trying to puzzle out who this guy is and why he is so angry with you.

 

I was around 19 when I got out of an extremely abusive relationship. He also yelled at me for trivial things but he did other things more to the point of me turning into a shell of myself and wasting a university year and almost having to drop out and it took me years to recover from the damages in my self-esteem. So I can 100% support this post because nowadays and many years after leaving him, I can 100% say it was the best thing I did. I don't even know if I'd still be alive if I was still with him or at very least I know that my life would be miserable and my hopes and dreams would've gone to waste.

 

Yes, find yourself and enjoy life. It's not worth it to try to change someone who's hurtful or try to understand them. If only I could turn back time and say something to my young self it would be what saluk said.

 

I'm also curious into what happened 3 months ago for him to become so angry. It could be drugs or something else. It seems like something happened or he was like this all along but he wasn't showing his true colours at first to lure you in and test what you will and will not take. I also find it disturbing that he acts like nothing happened afterwards. It gives a gaslighting vibe.