Dating advice

[Wiseman2]

Neither. He's on dating sites looking to meet and date others. You should do the same. Consider this a learning experience that going to a guys house means they want sex. It's that simple. Meet in a public place like a coffee shop, restaurant, etc. Dating is to get to know someone. Unless you're only looking for hookups yourself. You're not in a relationship after meeting twice. You don't have to explain why sex right away is not in the cards.

A. Wait for him to contact me

B. Reach out?

[bluecastle]

Whether this guy is Prince Charming or a player doesn’t really matter—not after three dates. It’s not his job to restore your faith in men or reinforce your worst fears. He’s just a tall, successful dude with a fancy car doing his thing. You get to decide if his thing works for you, or doesn’t; that’s early dating. Have faith in yourself, in other words. That’s where the power and security is.

 

Being frank? If a woman I’d met three times told me that sex with me would make her “suffer emotionally” and become clingy and needy I’d be done. Not because fast sex is important to me, but the opposite. In looking for a partner attraction and chemistry is important, but so is emotional stability, security, self-possession. After that moment I would have concerns that we weren’t a match in that regard, which would make other qualities (good laughs, the possibility of great sex) irrelevant.

 

As Batya said, there is a stark difference between being honest and open in one way (“I prefer to wait until I’m in a committed relationship before having sex”) and offloading trauma on a near-stranger as a test of whether they’ll be “decent” or not.

 

You sound awfully caught up in some surface level stuff with him: height, looks, money, success. Dude gives “good Google,” in short. But if you want a dude who takes you to dinner or drives to you or whatever—well, he’s already coming up short. Not a knock on him, just maybe not for you.

 

As for him still being on the apps? I think the healthy approach is to assume that anyone you meet on a dating app remains on a dating app until you have a talk. What you’re comfortable with before that talk is up to you, your boundary. Don’t turn the apps into another test of your connection or the quality of the person. That’s just unfair, unrealistic, and doesn’t do anyone any favors.

 

You’re clearly still interested. So, great. Take a moment to ask yourself what you’d like from him, and from men in general, and see if he shows an ability to be that. If so, terrific. If not, equally terrific.

[poorlittlefish]

You seem more interested in his looks and material assets than what he's like as a person. He probably knows that being rich and handsome is enough to get women who are only interested in those things, so no wonder he makes no effort.

[reinventmyself]

The third time he mentioned sex and i told him i have been calibrated for years since the last relationship and sex would make me suffer emotionally ( which i did not explain any further that i wanted to get to know him better )

 

Did you use these exact words? Because it's very cryptic. If someone said that to me, I'd take a step back wondering what was up.

[maew]

Being frank? If a woman I’d met three times told me that sex with me would make her “suffer emotionally” and become clingy and needy I’d be done. Not because fast sex is important to me, but the opposite. In looking for a partner attraction and chemistry is important, but so is emotional stability, security, self-possession. After that moment I would have concerns that we weren’t a match in that regard, which would make other qualities (good laughs, the possibility of great sex) irrelevant.

 

This EXACTLY.

[zzzz74032343]

OK -consider this. You are content with going with your "primal instinct" and focusing on this man's height and going as far as to say that because he is "tall dark and handsome" he can get any woman he wants. Really? How little do you think of women and their standards.

 

So, you are allowed to go with your "primal instinct" when it comes to height -so maybe he decided that his instinct was to run from a woman who, the third time meeting, tells him that sex would hurt her emotionally when he expresses interest. Instead of, let's say "I'm not comfortable having sex outside of a committed relationship" or "I'm not ready to have sex with you yet."

 

He may be looking for a hook up mostly or he might have figured he'd see if you were up to hooking up but then when you thought you should share all of that about your sexual past and your emotional damage he figured to cut you loose before getting more involved. Not because he's tall and handsome, perhaps because he would like to meet someone who is comfortable in her own skin and comfortable enough to say "I'm not ready to have sex yet".

 

It sounds like he just wants to hang out at his place and you are lucky that this guy you barely know didn't try to assault you at his place (or have someone else there, another stranger, who could have). You might want to consider going on public, proper dates with someone you just met, letting your head get involved as much or more than "primal instincts" about someone's physical features, and not spilling stuff you would share with a therapist or a very close friend when you just meet someone you might have romantic interest in.

 

Did you use these exact words? Because it's very cryptic. If someone said that to me, I'd take a step back wondering what was up.

 

No he asked me when was the last time i had sex and i said years .

[zzzz74032343]

OK -consider this. You are content with going with your "primal instinct" and focusing on this man's height and going as far as to say that because he is "tall dark and handsome" he can get any woman he wants. Really? How little do you think of women and their standards.

 

So, you are allowed to go with your "primal instinct" when it comes to height -so maybe he decided that his instinct was to run from a woman who, the third time meeting, tells him that sex would hurt her emotionally when he expresses interest. Instead of, let's say "I'm not comfortable having sex outside of a committed relationship" or "I'm not ready to have sex with you yet."

 

He may be looking for a hook up mostly or he might have figured he'd see if you were up to hooking up but then when you thought you should share all of that about your sexual past and your emotional damage he figured to cut you loose before getting more involved. Not because he's tall and handsome, perhaps because he would like to meet someone who is comfortable in her own skin and comfortable enough to say "I'm not ready to have sex yet".

 

It sounds like he just wants to hang out at his place and you are lucky that this guy you barely know didn't try to assault you at his place (or have someone else there, another stranger, who could have). You might want to consider going on public, proper dates with someone you just met, letting your head get involved as much or more than "primal instincts" about someone's physical features, and not spilling stuff you would share with a therapist or a very close friend when you just meet someone you might have romantic interest in.

 

You seem more interested in his looks and material assets than what he's like as a person. He probably knows that being rich and handsome is enough to get women who are only interested in those things, so no wonder he makes no effort.

 

My parents also bought similar car for my brother so money is not what attracts me but a man with capability is.

[zzzz74032343]

OK -consider this. You are content with going with your "primal instinct" and focusing on this man's height and going as far as to say that because he is "tall dark and handsome" he can get any woman he wants. Really? How little do you think of women and their standards.

 

So, you are allowed to go with your "primal instinct" when it comes to height -so maybe he decided that his instinct was to run from a woman who, the third time meeting, tells him that sex would hurt her emotionally when he expresses interest. Instead of, let's say "I'm not comfortable having sex outside of a committed relationship" or "I'm not ready to have sex with you yet."

 

He may be looking for a hook up mostly or he might have figured he'd see if you were up to hooking up but then when you thought you should share all of that about your sexual past and your emotional damage he figured to cut you loose before getting more involved. Not because he's tall and handsome, perhaps because he would like to meet someone who is comfortable in her own skin and comfortable enough to say "I'm not ready to have sex yet".

 

It sounds like he just wants to hang out at his place and you are lucky that this guy you barely know didn't try to assault you at his place (or have someone else there, another stranger, who could have). You might want to consider going on public, proper dates with someone you just met, letting your head get involved as much or more than "primal instincts" about someone's physical features, and not spilling stuff you would share with a therapist or a very close friend when you just meet someone you might have romantic interest in.

 

This EXACTLY.

 

But sex scientifically bond the woman to the man . Women are nurturing as we are made that way so that we can bring up kids and nurture the family. It would be unnatural for women to have sex and feel nothing about it right? I know though my words are too extreme but i was not really that serious when talking about it , my bad i guess!

[zzzz74032343]

When i was about to leave he came to hug me from behind which i was not so sure what it meant and how to respond to that but i then turn to give him a hug afterwards. Every time he would ask me to text me after i arrived home which shows he is a caring person...

[zzzz74032343]

i think maybe i'd better just do my thing and leave him alone then, it doesn't seem he is the right on after all. Thank you so much for the brainstorming...

[katrina1980]

No he asked me when was the last time i had sex and i said years .

 

Still don't know what you meant by "calibrated" - but nevermind, doesn't matter at this point, best you abort mission, me thinks this guy "did" just want sex.

 

Next.

[zzzz74032343]

Still don't know what you meant by "calibrated" - but nevermind, doesn't matter at this point, best you abort mission, me thinks this guy "did" just want sex.

 

Next.

 

oh sorry it was my mistake. i only said to him that i have not had sex for years that's all. Is that not normal? I hope it is normal as i broke up with my ex for that amount of time and i dont have sex when i am not in a relationship

[maew]

But sex scientifically bond the woman to the man . Women are nurturing as we are made that way so that we can bring up kids and nurture the family. It would be unnatural for women to have sex and feel nothing about it right? I know though my words are too extreme but i was not really that serious when talking about it , my bad i guess!

 

You need to speak for yourself and not on behalf of the female gender... not all women have the same desire to nurture and different women have different styles of attachment and differing levels of drive when it comes to sex.

 

At the end of the day if this is true for you that’s ok. What you communicated to the guy was that you become insecure and needy when you have sex... and emotionally attached... its too much intimacy for someone you don’t really know. It also shows a lack of confidence on your part in your ability to handle yourself in a relationship.

 

A little mystery and confidence goes a long way OP.

[katrina1980]

You need to speak for yourself and not on behalf of the female gender... not all women have the same desire to nurture and different women have different styles of attachment and differing levels of drive when it comes to sex.

 

At the end of the day if this is true for you that’s ok. What you communicated to the guy was that you become insecure and needy when you have sex... and emotionally attached... its too much intimacy for someone you don’t really know. It also shows a lack of confidence on your part in your ability to handle yourself in a relationship.

 

A little mystery and confidence goes a long way OP.

 

This^ is 100% spot on!!

[bluecastle]

You need to speak for yourself and not on behalf of the female gender... not all women have the same desire to nurture and different women have different styles of attachment and differing levels of drive when it comes to sex.

 

At the end of the day if this is true for you that’s ok. What you communicated to the guy was that you become insecure and needy when you have sex... and emotionally attached... its too much intimacy for someone you don’t really know. It also shows a lack of confidence on your part in your ability to handle yourself in a relationship.

 

A little mystery and confidence goes a long way OP.

 

Yes, this.

 

Speaking for myself—not for my gender—I'm pretty all over the map when it comes to sex. I've had great sex with people on a first, second, or third date—which is to say people I don't know very well. Hot times, little shift in my attachment, no greater expectations after sex than I had before having sex. I've just kind of known I'm in the right headspace to handle that, and so I do it.

 

I've also had moments where I know I'm not ready, where for whatever reason I'd like to wait. Another day, another month, another...time tbd. Maybe it's because I'm already feeling the potential for attachment forming, because I'm a little torn up about some past sexual experience that left a burn. And so I express that, with confidence, in a few words: "Hey, I'm not ready." No need for the wiki entry on my needs, preferences, past pain, past sexual experiences, jittery feelings—that's my sh*t, not something to fling on a Bumble match met IRL and see how they react.

 

If a woman doesn't handle "I'm not ready" well—if she pushes, which happens to us men too, or if she makes it about herself, or if she ghosts—then I know she's not the woman for me, not right then. Great—information. If she's cool, just as great. Another date, more fun between those early bases, who knows...

 

You sound pretty skittish about romance in general, OP. Sounds like some things have happened that have cut deep. All good. That's life, what makes you interesting. It can be owned without it feeling like a hex. If you're someone who likes to wait a bit I'd suggest, as others have, to steer early dates away from homes and bedrooms and let them play out in more public places. That way you remove the pressure by removing even the potential for these moments—at least until you're ready to entertain the potential.

[zzzz74032343]

OK -consider this. You are content with going with your "primal instinct" and focusing on this man's height and going as far as to say that because he is "tall dark and handsome" he can get any woman he wants. Really? How little do you think of women and their standards.

 

So, you are allowed to go with your "primal instinct" when it comes to height -so maybe he decided that his instinct was to run from a woman who, the third time meeting, tells him that sex would hurt her emotionally when he expresses interest. Instead of, let's say "I'm not comfortable having sex outside of a committed relationship" or "I'm not ready to have sex with you yet."

 

He may be looking for a hook up mostly or he might have figured he'd see if you were up to hooking up but then when you thought you should share all of that about your sexual past and your emotional damage he figured to cut you loose before getting more involved. Not because he's tall and handsome, perhaps because he would like to meet someone who is comfortable in her own skin and comfortable enough to say "I'm not ready to have sex yet".

 

It sounds like he just wants to hang out at his place and you are lucky that this guy you barely know didn't try to assault you at his place (or have someone else there, another stranger, who could have). You might want to consider going on public, proper dates with someone you just met, letting your head get involved as much or more than "primal instincts" about someone's physical features, and not spilling stuff you would share with a therapist or a very close friend when you just meet someone you might have romantic interest in.

 

Yes, this.

 

Speaking for myself—not for my gender—I'm pretty all over the map when it comes to sex. I've had great sex with people on a first, second, or third date—which is to say people I don't know very well. Hot times, little shift in my attachment, no greater expectations after sex than I had before having sex. I've just kind of known I'm in the right headspace to handle that, and so I do it.

 

I've also had moments where I know I'm not ready, where for whatever reason I'd like to wait. Another day, another month, another...time tbd. Maybe it's because I'm already feeling the potential for attachment forming, because I'm a little torn up about some past sexual experience that left a burn. And so I express that, with confidence, in a few words: "Hey, I'm not ready." No need for the wiki entry on my needs, preferences, past pain, past sexual experiences, jittery feelings—that's my sh*t, not something to fling on a Bumble match met IRL and see how they react.

 

If a woman doesn't handle "I'm not ready" well—if she pushes, which happens to us men too, or if she makes it about herself, or if she ghosts—then I know she's not the woman for me, not right then. Great—information. If she's cool, just as great. Another date, more fun between those early bases, who knows...

 

You sound pretty skittish about romance in general, OP. Sounds like some things have happened that have cut deep. All good. That's life, what makes you interesting. It can be owned without it feeling like a hex. If you're someone who likes to wait a bit I'd suggest, as others have, to steer early dates away from homes and bedrooms and let them play out in more public places. That way you remove the pressure by removing even the potential for these moments—at least until you're ready to entertain the potential.

 

Yes i completely agree. it all makes sense. So it's my lesson to learn and i can cope with the situation better next time. Thank you so much, very helpful.

[Hollyj]

You had one date. Stop doing all of the traveling. You are showing that you do not expect much.

 

The guy is only looking for sex. Damn, you should expect proper dates, stop going to strangers apartments, as this is not safe, and you are setting yourself up as a sex buddy!

 

Move on. He does not want a relationship with you, or he would have treated you much better.

[DimaDemerzel]

... Somehow, I still don't feel like throwing it all away so early on is right for the reasons given, without even another date to talk and figure things out. :/

[zzzz74032343]

I don't see why you would wait in confusion when you could be taking steps towards making everything clearer for the both of you. Let him know if you have serious doubts that he wants you because of his apparent lack of involvement, and make sure to talk about what you really meant by the sex thing the next time you meet. You both have a right to understand what's really going on. I wouldn't worry about seeming desperate, but maybe that's just me. There are ways in which you can casually express that you still want to meet (and on your terms, so that he travels this time and stuff) without appearing like you're all over him already.

 

He texted me last night only one word which is

 

LOL!

 

 

He always does this like disappearing for 4 -5 days and then text me one word , I have no idea what it means so i just left it

[DimaDemerzel]

It could be he's just used to waiting for people to approach him. It doesn't have to be that way, but I don't understand why you don't confront him with questions of what he really wants and then everything's clear to everyone..

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like you're wasting your time on him. Start messaging and meeting more interesting me

He texted me last night only one word which is

LOL!

He always does this like disappearing for 4 -5 days and then text me one word , I have no idea what it means so i just left it

[Hollyj]

He texted me last night only one word which is

 

LOL!

 

 

He always does this like disappearing for 4 -5 days and then text me one word , I have no idea what it means so i just left it

 

It means nothing. This guy has shown you in multiple ways that he is not into you. He only wants sex.

[zzzz74032343]

It could be he's just used to waiting for people to approach him. It doesn't have to be that way, but I don't understand why you don't confront him with questions of what he really wants and then everything's clear to everyone..

 

I'm not used to being the one approaching and prefer to be approached too so ,i mean it's better to wait for the man to do it right?

[bluecastle]

Well, technically he “approached” you with his random “LOL” poke. Now it’s up to you to decide if you find that mode of approach satisfying.

 

Speaking frankly? That, combined with what you’ve already shared, sounds like the “game” of a dude who is good looking and successful, knows it, and thinks that’s enough. Basically he thinks Ferrari + lol = infatuation and potential sex.

 

Which, hey, I bet has worked. Seems, in fact, to be working pretty well for him right now, with you. Where another woman would be bored by LOL you are intrigued.

[katrina1980]

Well, technically he “approached” you with his random “LOL” poke. Now it’s up to you to decide if you find that mode of approach satisfying.

 

Speaking frankly? That, combined with what you’ve already shared, sounds like the “game” of a dude who is good looking and successful, knows it, and thinks that’s enough. Basically he thinks Ferrari + lol = infatuation and potential sex.

 

Which, hey, I bet has worked. Seems, in fact, to be working pretty well for him right now, with you.

 

Where another woman would be bored by LOL you are intrigued.

 

Agree but to add another women with higher self-esteem and self-respect would be bored.

 

OP, you seem inexperienced and quite vulnerable - please be careful.

 

Predatory men like him seek women like you out, they thrive on being able to manipulate and control and they use all sorts of tactics to do just that.

 

Push/pull is a big one (pull you in then push out out, rinse repeat), and short one word responses that get your brain spinning attempting to decipher what it all means.

 

Don't waste your energy on guys like him, PLEASE! Don't allow him to "pull you in" with push/pull tactics and other such game playing.

 

Instead, spend your energy focusing on increasing your self-esteem and learning about interpersonal relationships in general. There are many good books you could read, or just paying attention to those around you in the real world, and learning from that.

 

Volunteer, take a class, attend meet ups, and learn to differentiate between the a-holes and good guys.

 

Take this as a great learning experience, and move forward with strength, confidence, head high.

 

Think you can to do that or at least try?