"Rules" of texting after a first date

[SGH]

You're totally right, reinvent. I am just going to focus on having fun! I get too in my head sometimes and it's a problem. I'll definitely report since this thread got so much attention.

[bluecastle]

Great words from reinvent, per usual.

 

Been following this thread—and was, for the record, very much in the "text him!" camp. Why? Because you had fun, life is short, thinking is more boring than doing, and all rules have gone out the window in the age of texting.

 

Personally, I give people a lot of room to wobble in the early stages—and why? Because they don't know me and I don't know them. No idea where they're at in life, what else they've got going on, and I think it would be absurd for me to immediately rise to the surface.

 

I'm confident in what I have to offer—whether it's ultimately of interest to another or not—so I don't spend a lot of time trying to gauge and forecast based on texting, etc. And if I had a good time with someone—well, I'm a simpleton: I'd prefer the option of another good time than closing that off because I got a weird vibe from their post-date pixilated etiquette.

 

Guess my deep core take is: What's the worst that can happen? They're cool for a week or two and then ghost and/or tell me about an ex who's orbiting or blah blah? Well, there are worse horrors—and I'll take that risk in the pursuit of something sweet.

 

And you know what's sweet? A date on Friday! Enjoy it!

[katrina1980]

I had a feeling.....

 

Well, my take is it may have been a game or some sort of test, but so what?

 

You let him know through word and action that you don't tolerate that bs, he respected the boundary and standard you set for yourself (call by Wed if you'd like to see me Friday), rose to your standard, so it all sounds positive!

 

I may be in the minority here but I think we all (or some at least), do a bit of "testing" in the very early stages. Certainly not uncommon at least in my experience.

 

Testing boundaries, what you'll tolerate, even if it's subconsciously.

 

It's not the most mature thing to do, and he is very lucky you've agreed to see him.

 

The positive now is that he knows you don't tolerate bs, which may have even gained you respect. We teach people how to treat us (third time saying that today lol).

 

On the other hand, if it wasn't a game/test and he just chose his words poorly, then that's obviously a positive too!

 

Now relax and have fun!!!!

 

P.S. Did I not predict you'd be dating by next week?? Lol

 

Keep us posted!

[purplepaisley]

LOL, I find that maybe he was trying to "be cool" or "mysterious" or not appear too eager or desperate, or didn't want to look like he has no other social life and desperate...so some game-playing ensued, and you were clear on your boundaries and he stepped up? I had a brief dating experience with the, "let me check my calendar" bull, and I knew it was bull due to a common friend, so whatever, dude. Do what you need to do to fluff up your peacock feathers. The guy I dated...I think there was still a huge attachment to an ex, and I think once the ex caught wind he was dating (they were "friends"), I think that sparked a rekindling...I have no idea...but ultimately I told him one date every other week wasn't going to work for me, so when his schedule becomes less busy, he knows where to reach me. That was the end.

 

I hope yours is the beginning. Definitely try to maintain that mind-think of one date at a time. After a few dates you can start thinking more about future...one week at a time...eventually you advance to months.

 

I hope you have a blast and maybe some smooching and see how this progresses!

[Batya33]

Hey, so I don't know if anyone will see this or not but I'm shocked to report that he did as I asked and reached out today to schedule a second date for Friday.

 

I am pleased about this but still weary. I think it's strange that the person cancelled so far in advance? Usually flakes bail at the last minute, which made me wonder if it was all a game to begin with. However, he heard me out and respectfully did as I asked. So, I agreed to the date and am going to reserve my judgment.

 

I am also happy to report my anxiety in general is way down. You guys checked me in an important way and reminded me that I barely know this man. It's not like me to get carried away with my emotions, but when I do it generally means trouble! I'm keeping a cool head and feel relaxed about the situation again, even though I have some typical nerves about Friday.

 

I can relate to you being wary. Something as simple as a man setting up a time and place for a date he showed interest in shouldn't be a biggie at all. Definitely go -he ended up stepping up to the plate. I'd try my best to put the wariness aside on Friday and simply have fun, lighthearted fun, whatever that means to you. Because you deserve a fun night out with a guy you spark with! Even if it's one and done. Please do update and enjoy!!

[Betterwithout]

Playing it cool NEVER leads to disappointment.

 

No man or woman wants someone clingy. Confidence is a wonderful gift to possess in the dating dance.

 

Keep that in mind before and during your date Friday!

 

Have fun!

[reinventmyself]

Everyone shys away from using the term of 'playng games'

Depending on your intentions playing games can be manipulative.

But in the early stages of dating we are all testing or posturing.

Playing black jack, you don't win by showing all your cards.

You don't really know someone you are engaging, so it becomes a delicate dance of showing your cards and withholding. You do this is in subtle way to see if the other person mirrors your actions. From there you get your queue to move fwd or not.

It's just not black and white.

Play the game.

[Batya33]

Everyone shys away from using the term of 'playng games'

Depending on your intentions playing games can be manipulative.

But in the early stages of dating we are all testing or posturing.

Playing black jack, you don't win by showing all your cards.

You don't really know someone you are engaging, so it becomes a delicate dance of showing your cards and withholding. You do this is in subtle way to see if the other person mirrors your actions. From there you get your queue to move fwd or not.

It's just not black and white.

Play the game.

 

Yes - I agree - "game" is not taboo. Let him see a bit of you at a time, let him see that he's fortunate (lucky!) to get to know you, peel back the layers a bit at a time, have to put in effort to see you and talk with you in person by calling, showing up, making a plan in advance.

[katrina1980]

Everyone shys away from using the term of 'playng games'

Depending on your intentions playing games can be manipulative.

But in the early stages of dating we are all testing or posturing.

Playing black jack, you don't win by showing all your cards.

You don't really know someone you are engaging, so it becomes a delicate dance of showing your cards and withholding.

You do this is in subtle way to see if the other person mirrors your actions. From there you get your queue to move fwd or not.

It's just not black and white.

Play the game.

 

Absolutely agree too, and thank you for posting it reinvent.

 

Another phrase that gets a bad rap, and can be both manipulative and a good thing depending on how one plays it, is "push/pull" which is exactly what is stated below:

 

....so it becomes a delicate dance of showing your cards and withholding.

 

Jmo but we all have at least some "game" whether we realize or not, otherwise we risk getting "played" ourselves.

 

Again, tnx for posting it reinvent.

 

Hey Bat, didn't Judith Sills write something about this in her book "A Fine Romance"?

 

At your recommendation, I ordered it on Amazon and recall reading about it.

 

Not the phrase push/pull, I believe that term came after her heyday.

[Sportster2005]

Here's the way I sees it. I text someone the way I want to be texted. If she responds in kind, we are a potential good match, if not, we're not.

 

I don't want someone blowing up my phone, and I don't want someone who never initiates, or never asks questions.

 

It shouldn't be too stressful. A little stressful, but not too stressful. The less stress two people feel communicating, the better. If it doesn't feel right, it's not, and you can't do anything about it.

[Batya33]

Absolutely agree too, and thank you for posting it reinvent.

 

Another phrase that gets a bad rap, and can be both manipulative and a good thing depending on how one plays it, is "push/pull" which is exactly what is stated below:

 

....so it becomes a delicate dance of showing your cards and withholding.

 

Jmo but we all have at least some "game" whether we realize or not, otherwise we risk getting "played" ourselves.

 

Again, tnx for posting it reinvent.

 

Hey Bat, didn't Judith Sills write something about this in her book "A Fine Romance"?

 

At your recommendation, I ordered it on Amazon and recall reading about it.

 

Not the phrase push/pull, I believe that term came after her heyday.

 

I think she wrote about the dance of intimacy? Glad you enjoyed it!

[Gary Snyder]

It's date night! Friyay! Don't forget to report back how your date went! Good luck.

[katrina1980]

I think she wrote about the dance of intimacy? Glad you enjoyed it!

 

Yeah I recall her describing it as a "dance." She even went on to say "a fun dance"! I clearly remember that.

 

And part of the dance was learning to live with a bit of uncertainty in the early stages, and not acting from anxiety, learn to contain the anxiety.

 

Also, and this is what stuck out for me -- coming forward, followed by a bit of pull back, giving your partner the opportunity to come forward, and so on and so forth.

 

All part of the dance.

 

My bf and I did this almost subconsciously, at least I did.

 

He'd come close (as he did when he shared such personal things about his life with me), then would pull back just a bit. After which I would move close, as I did when I sent him the text after four days.

 

After which he would move closer as he did when he responded immediately and scheduled a definitive time to meet.

 

It contined that way after we met and started dating too.

 

We played this game/dance for the first couple of months, and yeah it was actually fun!

 

The dance of intimacy.

[SGH]

So, here's my update guys!

 

We had another really awesome night. Better than the first, in my opinion. He told me that he canceled the other plans, so he could spend time with me. He also openly acknowledged the ease of our connection and we discussed what we want and are looking for, which as of now, we seem to line up on. For clarification purposes, I don't mean an exclusivity talk, but more of a "why are you dating?" conversation. Date lasted 5-6 hours and was rich in conversation and laughter. Really good kiss at the end of this one, and I could feel he was into it.

 

I felt really calm and relaxed as soon as I got there, and I'm happy I went. I left the ball in his court and expect to hear from him about another date sometime next week, so I'm not going to stress about it like I did last time (at least not nearly as much). I really lived in the moment, got past my fears and worries, and it felt good. Regardless of outcome, it has been really refreshing spending time with a man I actually like.

 

Just want to thank everyone for all of the great advice again! You all reminded me to get my head out of ass and actually participate in the moment, as well as that is okay to play my cards close to my chest sometimes. I will probably make an update at some point again in the future, though it may be on a different thread.

[Batya33]

I'm so glad you had fun and enjoyed yourself and that he did too -I love your attitude that it's one date at a time and that you will enjoy the memory of it, the validation that you can connect with a new person whether or not there is a next date.

[bluecastle]

So, so happy to hear, SGH!

[Betterwithout]

Happy to hear the date went well OP! Glad to hear you kept your cool.

 

5-6 hours is a good sign of compatibility too, good luck with your next date!