"Rules" of texting after a first date

[Batya33]

If he's more matured about his texts he may be saving one text for Weds or Thurs or closer to this Friday and just ask you out on a date in the same text. This means no superfluous good mornings/good evenings etc. I'd wait it out. I prefer a man who makes the first move. It's a dance. There's no end to the number of gestures of adoration or love later on, demonstrative from one person to another regardless of sex. I've surprised my husband a lot that way. Let him come to you for now.

 

If he doesn't text by Weds or early Thursday, I would make other plans for Friday. I wouldn't make myself so available at the drop of the hat that early on.

 

Back when I dated with very rare exception we declined weekend night dates with men who asked after Wednesday. And there was no texting and no email for most of that -they had to make sure they reached you by phone. I only had positive results and 99% of the time I declined because I had other plans. And the one percent of the time I did not I went with what Rose wrote - I would rather have a date with myself than be available at the drop of the hat.

[katrina1980]

SGH, there are many many threads on this forum created by guys who weren't sure if a girl was interested, that did not stop them from being interested in her and texting her, even overwhelming her with texts in some cases. Indicating their interest.

 

So please don't ever think if you don't initiate that first text after your initial date/meet, after you already thanked him and told him you'd like to see him again, he's gonna think you're not interested and thus lose interest himself.

 

It just doesn't work like that, I think you know this.

 

You're overthinking all of this.

 

Try and relax. Continue chatting and meeting other men, your attitude should be - I had a great time, if he contacts me, fabulous! Would love to see him again.

 

If not, that's fine too. We had only one meet and there are LOTS more men out there!

[maew]

Yeah, you guys all make good points. Kind of surprised actually, though. I expected more "just go for it" advice to be honest.

 

Girl you are going to get the "just go for it" advice from me! Just be yourself and keep it simple, don't write a novel or pepper him with questions... and ask if he wants to make a plan for next Friday. If his response is lukewarm or cold then you can assume he isn't interested and just let it go.

 

The guy I am with now asked me out because I initiated texting and flirting with him. I might still be waiting if I hadn't made the first move. Afterwards he told me he had liked me from afar for quite awhile (I could kinda tell) so I was even more glad I put myself out there.

 

There are very few guys (and probably not the ones you want) that will be put off by you initiating with a flirty text if he truly is interested in you.

[SGH]

Man, thank you guys for all of your responses (though I agree I'm totally overthinking and maybe this isn't helping me decide ha ha). It is all well thought out and accurate. Someone in here said awhile ago that texting and dating is not a science and there are no specific rules we can follow to get what we want all of the time. I'm kind of feeling like I could damn myself either way, but that it would be truer to my authentic self to just reach out and stop stressing about it.

 

It's pretty uncharacteristic of me to paralyze myself with indecision this early on, and it could all be for nothing. I'm going to send the text and see what happens. If he's not interested, I'm sure his response or lack or response will be a clear indication of how to move forward. I will come back and update later so if it doesn't go well you can all give me a proper "I told you so" :-P

 

At the end of the day, my self-esteen is in tact, and frankly if a text from me scares him off, he is definitely not the one anyway.

[katrina1980]

But then again maew -- if he were truly interested in her, why has he not reached out to her?

 

She already gave him green light. Took the initiative and told him she wants to see him again!

 

What more does he need for heaven's sake?

 

Sure he'll be flattered and he will also know he does not have to do much, or put forth any effort, and SGH will still reach out and chase him.

 

Not a great message to send a guy after first meet imo.

 

I think it's real important to be aware of how our actions are perceived by other person.

 

The messages they send.

[SGH]

I texted him and he responded within one minute. So, maybe I seem desperate but I do think I over-thought this substantially!

[Afireblue]

Man, thank you guys for all of your responses (though I agree I'm totally overthinking and maybe this isn't helping me decide ha ha). It is all well thought out and accurate. Someone in here said awhile ago that texting and dating is not a science and there are no specific rules we can follow to get what we want all of the time. I'm kind of feeling like I could damn myself either way, but that it would be truer to my authentic self to just reach out and stop stressing about it.

 

It's pretty uncharacteristic of me to paralyze myself with indecision this early on, and it could all be for nothing. I'm going to send the text and see what happens. If he's not interested, I'm sure his response or lack or response will be a clear indication of how to move forward. I will come back and update later so if it doesn't go well you can all give me a proper "I told you so" :-P

 

At the end of the day, my self-esteen is in tact, and frankly if a text from me scares him off, he is definitely not the one anyway.

 

Good choice! do let us know :)

[katrina1980]

I texted him and he responded within one minute. So, maybe I seem desperate but I do think I over-thought this substantially!

 

Fab, did he make a definite date?

[SGH]

Ah, damn well it seemed so good at first but no definite date. Told me he's interested but he has plans Friday and Saturday, but that Friday is with someone who "always bails". Reeks of backup plan to me, which is going to have to be a big ol' NEXT!

 

I'm actually glad I reached out. I feel pretty disappointed right now, but at least I know where he stands with me (lukewarm, as was suggested), so I can move on and date others. Thanks for your advice everyone! I'm the hard-headed type who needs the slap in the face, so for me it's not a loss to see it clearly. If I had waited, I may have jumped on the chance to see him later on due to all my stressing.

[maew]

But then again maew -- if he were truly interested in her, why has he not reached out to her?

 

She already gave him green light. Took the initiative and told him she wants to see him again!

 

What more does he need for heaven's sake?

 

Sure he'll be flattered and he will also know he does not have to do much, or put forth any effort, and SGH will still reach out and chase him.

 

Not a great message to send a guy after first meet imo.

 

I think it's real important to be aware of how our actions are perceived by other person.

 

The messages they send.

 

This is reading soooo much into her following up and asking him if he wants to make plans for Friday. She doesn't have to re-express her interest but why not pursue making plans with him given that they discussed it?

 

If he is a confident man with self-esteem and emotional intelligence he will appreciate a direct woman that asks for what she wants. If he is into some alpha male bull$hit he will be put off by her request OR he will play some stupid game of acting disinterested which will be a great reason to next him.

 

I would consider it chasing if she continued to persist after getting a "blah" response or if he were flaky in setting up the next date. Those actions would speak louder than any words could.

[katrina1980]

 

Ah, damn well it seemed so good at first but no definite date. Told me he's interested but he has plans Friday and Saturday, but that Friday is with someone who "always bails". Reeks of backup plan to me, which is going to have to be a big ol' NEXT!

 

I'm actually glad I reached out.

 

 

I'm actually glad you reached out too, now you know, what a goon.

 

I mean being busy is one thing, but telling you he has plans (another date?) with someone (another woman?) who always bails? What a mind f***!

 

I suppose he was expecting you to say "ok no problem, let me know if this "someone" bails and we can get together! I'll be waiting!!"

 

Ugh. He's probably got women chasing him up the kazoo!

 

Next is right!!

 

Some people, geez!!

[Starlight925]

Yeah, I'd have been so much more excited for you if he had said that he had plans for Friday and Saturday, but would love to see you, and what does your Sunday look like? Something like that.

 

The immediate response time doesn't mean much, unfortunately, as so often, people simply respond quickly because they are attached to their phones 24/7. That little text "bling" has been shown to induce a dopamine/feel good response, so people keep their phones on them, in hopes of that "bling".

 

It's not necessarily a "next", but it's a "wait until he contacts you again". And yes, keep your options open.

 

I'm so sorry. I haven't been dating for a while, but I did this exact same thing with a guy last year, and I received an immediate "I enjoyed meeting you too", followed by crickets, and then he was gone from the dating site. I assume he was either 1) carried off by vultures, or 2) met someone else. I'm betting the vultures got to him, lol.

[SGH]

Yeah, I'd have been so much more excited for you if he had said that he had plans for Friday and Saturday, but would love to see you, and what does your Sunday look like? Something like that.

 

The immediate response time doesn't mean much, unfortunately, as so often, people simply respond quickly because they are attached to their phones 24/7. That little text "bling" has been shown to induce a dopamine/feel good response, so people keep their phones on them, in hopes of that "bling".

 

It's not necessarily a "next", but it's a "wait until he contacts you again". And yes, keep your options open.

 

I'm so sorry. I haven't been dating for a while, but I did this exact same thing with a guy last year, and I received an immediate "I enjoyed meeting you too", followed by crickets, and then he was gone from the dating site. I assume he was either 1) carried off by vultures, or 2) met someone else. I'm betting the vultures got to him, lol.

 

This exactly. That's why I've pretty much written him off. I'm not someone who likes to rush dating and multi-dating doesn't bother me at all, but the whole casual "not dates" on the fly thing that some people do is just not for me. If he were to contact me by Wednesday and want to make real plans for Friday, I would consider saying yes, but based on the other text he sent, I'm thinking there's no chance of that. Now I know for a fact that we are incompatible and am instantly less attracted to him. Time to go fishing again.

[maew]

Ah, damn well it seemed so good at first but no definite date. Told me he's interested but he has plans Friday and Saturday, but that Friday is with someone who "always bails". Reeks of backup plan to me, which is going to have to be a big ol' NEXT!

 

I'm actually glad I reached out. I feel pretty disappointed right now, but at least I know where he stands with me (lukewarm, as was suggested), so I can move on and date others. Thanks for your advice everyone! I'm the hard-headed type who needs the slap in the face, so for me it's not a loss to see it clearly. If I had waited, I may have jumped on the chance to see him later on due to all my stressing.

 

Haha eeewwww that is definitely a next!! It's unbelievable what people actually think is acceptable to say to someone they are even passably interested in dating lol

[reinventmyself]

Told him I enjoyed myself on the date and that I'd like to see him again. He appeared interested at the time and we both mentioned we would likely not be available until next Friday.

I'm a little to late, but I would have advised against reaching out, seeing you were the one that suggested a future date, I would have stepped back and waited to see if he met you at least half way.

 

In any event, there isn't a wrong answer here, just differences.

 

And just because he has a plan with someone who backs out on Friday, doesn't necessarily mean it's a date. It could very well be one, but don't assume. It could also mean he's setting the scene for a short notice date and depending on how you feel about that, it could go either way. And depending on how you feel about that option.

 

That all said, it's not 100% over.

Just keep moving and don't give it much thought.

He might surprise you.

[Batya33]

I don't know that he necessarily has a date and I totally agree with LHGirl -that if he wanted to see you he would have closed the deal asap and made sure you had a time place plan. I'd likely move on at this point.

[katrina1980]

Haha eeewwww that is definitely a next!! It's unbelievable what people actually think is acceptable to say to someone they are even passably interested in dating lol

 

I'm with maew on this one.

 

He may not have a "date" but any man with a brain cell would know that you just don't say something like this to a woman you're intersted in dating, and just had a date/first meet with.

 

He planted the seed -- it gets her brain spinning wondering who it is, is it a date?, or just a friend? -- it's a total mind fu**. It's a game, it's mean and unnecessary.

 

"Oh I know we talked about Friday, but I'm actually busy, how about Sunday?" was all that needed to be said, assumimg he was interested.

 

Choose wisely from the get go and avoid bull shyt later.

 

JMO

[SGH]

I honestly don't care if it's a date or not on Friday. I mentioned earlier that I am fine with early multi-dating. The reason I don't do it is because I don't have time. If I like someone I would ideally like to see them once a week, and I want to do more with my social life than just date.

 

I'm glad I made a move because if I hadn't, I may not have received the direct information I did about his views on dating. I can see why some people had the opinion that I shouldn't have reached out, but I am at peace now and no longer worried, and I'm certain it did not change the outcome. The only difference is now I know that he is going to attempt to treat me like an option if he texts me and that I should be weary of any texts from him moving forward. He's clearly capable of making plans with others and sticking to them, so I know for sure he can't be too worried about holding onto me. Case closed.

[katrina1980]

I'm glad you're okay with it SGH, that's really all that matters.

 

You have a great healthy attitude which is quite admirable!

[Batya33]

I honestly don't care if it's a date or not on Friday. I mentioned earlier that I am fine with early multi-dating. The reason I don't do it is because I don't have time. If I like someone I would ideally like to see them once a week, and I want to do more with my social life than just date.

 

I'm glad I made a move because if I hadn't, I may not have received the direct information I did about his views on dating. I can see why some people had the opinion that I shouldn't have reached out, but I am at peace now and no longer worried, and I'm certain it did not change the outcome. The only difference is now I know that he is going to attempt to treat me like an option if he texts me and that I should be weary of any texts from him moving forward. He's clearly capable of making plans with others and sticking to them, so I know for sure he can't be too worried about holding onto me. Case closed.

 

In this situation I don't think you changed the result. I think you confirmed why he didn't make a specific plan or follow up in the first place and I'm sorry. In general I wrote above why I think it's risky to send the text you did -in this case I don't get the sense at all that your text had any impact other than maybe he was a bit flattered.

[katrina1980]

Hey SGH, re the text you sent, I am curious what you said that would prompt him responding "I am still interested, but ...."

 

Did you ask him if he was still interested (i.e, in you)? I've read on this forum some people actually asking that believe it or not.

 

Or did you ask if he was still interested in getting together on Friday, as you had previously discussed? Knowing you on this forum, I assume this is what you asked.

 

But on the very off chance it wasn't, the latter is fine but the former is seeking reassurance, displays insecurity and anxiety, which can in some cases be a turn off in these very precarious early stages if someone is on the fence. Where feelings can (and often do) change on a dime.

 

It's turned me off when a man has asked me that after a first or second date when I've been on the fence.

 

Not accusing you, just asking, I have no idea what was actually said, only that his response "I'm still interested, but ...." is a bit curious.

[limichelle]

I’m late to the post but I’m glad you did text him if you hadn’t you would always be wondering and not be able to move on fully. Now that you did text you know his intentions and you can move forward and find someone who won’t be putting you on a ‘list’ of potentials.

[katrina1980]

Unless it's a love at first sight thing, we're all essentially options and potentials after a first meet.

 

He should have been a potential for SGH too, until getting to know him better.

 

I think the guy is a goon not because he had plans or even another date, but rather because him making a point to say what he did, was completely unnecessary and a bit of a mind f*** imo.

[reinventmyself]

you would always be wondering and not be able to move on fully. .

Let's not lose sight of the fact that only two days had passed since they simply met for the first time.

 

This would have been one of the occasions (for me) that when you don't know what to do, don't do anything until you know better.

but I am at peace now and no longer worried

 

I'm a firm believer that things typically work out the way they are supposed to anyway.

I am all for putting myself out there, but there are times that might call for sitting on it for a couple days.

This might have been one of them.

 

It might not have changed the outcome but I wouldn't be left wondering if my eagerness had run him off.

[katrina1980]

Agree with reinvent but also worth noting, and not suggesting this applies to SGH, is why a woman (or man if roles are reversed) wants to send the text.

 

Is it to alleviate her/his anxiety? Wondering if he's interested or not? In short, seeking reassurance even though you're not asking for it directly?

 

So many threads from folks who become so anxiety-ridden after a first or second date, they can't help themselves, they just have to text hoping for a quick response to their liking thus alleviating their anxiety.

 

Meanwhile the recipient can see right through it and in these very early fragile stages becomes turned off.

 

Thus leaving the anxious person thinking they never liked them in the first place!!

 

Jmo but there is always going to be a bit of uncertainty in the beginning.

 

Gotta learn to chill, and roll with it. Contain your anxiety, or deal with it in other ways like going for a run or yoga or something.

 

Give your date time to think about the date, wonder about you!

 

Now for me, my bf and I had been chatting for two weeks. He opened up to me about some pretty sensitive personal stuff then pulled back, I did not hear from him for four days.

 

I was anxious about it, but after four days, I chose to shoot him a text with a funny meme. I sensed why he pulled back and tried to not take it personally.

 

Anyway, I said nothing about the fact I had not heard from him, did not ask if he was still interested in chatting or meeting, just the funny meme.

 

He responded within ten minutes, made a date to meet two days later, we clicked in person and here we are today, a year later.

 

Again, not referring to SGH, only acknowledging that reinvent made a good point and expounding on it.

 

JMO as always.