"Rules" of texting after a first date

[reinventmyself]

 

Is it to alleviate her/his anxiety? Wondering if he's interested or not? In short, seeking reassurance even though you're not asking for it directly?

.

When I feel like I want to reach out and I am weighing whether it's a good idea, I ask myself what my motivation is. Often times I can catch myself, that I am considering doing it to alleviate the anxiety of not knowing. If I can honestly say that the waiting for the answer is making me anxious, then I do not act on it. I challenge myself to sit on it for a little while longer.

 

Then there have been times when I am not anxious, I am not invested and either outcome is perfectly o.k. with me and I do reach out. No harm, no foul and I move along without a second thought.

 

I just touched on her words about `worrying and not moving on' and it seemed to me that the anxiety was the motivating factor here. Especially in light of time line.

 

I also could be wrong. I wasn't there :)

 

I have anxiety and I can tell you most people can smell it on you. Even when you think you are really good at hiding it.

[katrina1980]

What's interesting for me, and I think I am very much like you reinvent, is that when feeling anxious or uncertain about a man's feelings or anything, I make it a point to NOT text.

 

Sit on it like reinvent said.

 

I only text when it's comimg from a secure place within me.

 

A place where I miss chatting, to let him know I'm thinking about him and to bring a smile. Which is where I was when I chose to txt my bf with the meme.

 

The outcome doesn't matter, I'm not attached to it.

[Batya33]

I’m late to the post but I’m glad you did text him if you hadn’t you would always be wondering and not be able to move on fully. Now that you did text you know his intentions and you can move forward and find someone who won’t be putting you on a ‘list’ of potentials.

 

I taught myself when I dated that silence =lack of interest and not to indulge in "I have to call him because I need closure" - which I never really got -either it was a confirmation of what I was sure about anyway (no interest) or he gave me the "you're so amazing but" speech which didn't feel great either.

 

An anecdote. Over 25 years ago (pre email/cell) I met a guy for a first date -I believe through a personal ad. Wow. We had one of those first dates where the stars aligned, like a movie. No physical/sexual stuff - but definitely chemistry. He asked me if I wanted to see a movie that had just come out later that week and I said yes. He said he would call to confirm the day/time since it was a new movie. Then, no call. And I went against my better judgment and called him - he was polite/pleasant on the phone but zero spark, like the light went out. But he remembered that we'd talked about the movie and he said he wanted to meet for the movie. A bit lackluster but he did so we agreed. I got there early and thought I saw him but wasn't sure (I know, odd but it was a crowded lobby and I wasn't positive). I called my girlfriend from a payphone (in fact we are texting right this minute lol) and she made me laugh about how I was spying on him (to see if it was him).

 

I then walked over to him and being 20 something I "confessed" that I'd seen him from a distance but was early, etc. This apparently was not ok with him. But we saw the movie then went to get chicken soup (he had a bad cold) and it was like being out with a totally different person from the spark ridden/love at first sight feeling first date (yes we were both sober on that date!!). He cut the date short and never called me again. I never contacted him. Maybe I'm wrong but I knew that when I called him about that movie it was a big mistake - I think he'd been on the fence after that rush of excitement and when I called it took the wind out of his sails. I have had a number of male friends describing similar feelings from "overeager" women (who they would politely describe as "really liked me" and flattering but... somehow a turn off). Or maybe he changed his mind right away and was never going to call. C'est la vie.

[SGH]

To answer a question asked earlier, no I did not ask if he was interested in me but if he was interested in planning another date in the coming week. I have been single for awhile now and been on quite a few dates (which tend to not work out due to my lack of attraction). It was uncharacteristic of me to feel such an early draw to someone. A part of me sensed that he was likely not on the same page as me for whatever reason, but I wanted to be sure. I actually did not respond rudely to his texts about the possibility of Friday. I just felt it was off-putting for him to essentially attempt to line me up as a backup plan for Friday night, whether it was a date or not, instead of just setting a different day. I do not think the fact that I reached out had any bearing on his plans to do this, and in fact, if I had waited there is a chance I would never have known that I was "second in line". I politely told him that I make my weekend plans by Wednesday and that he would need to let me know by then. I would keep and open mind if he actually contacted me to set a date for Friday by then, but I do not think that will occur.

 

I try to follow similar rules in regards to anxiety, but I'll admit I am not always perfectly enlightened.

 

Oh, and I just want to add again that if a single text from me after a date is too "eager" for a guy, they are definitely not the one for me. I get not bombarding people with your interest, but I don't think walking on eggshells about communication makes the dating experience fun.

[Batya33]

It's not just the single text. It's that the text was three days after the date and basically repeating what had been talked about on the date and with the ball left in his court. So the timing plus what you wrote could be off putting. It's not about how many texts (well it can be if it's a bunny boiler amount) but the reason for texting, the timing, etc. Certainly I know some women insist on the "thank you text" right after the date even though they said thanks on the date. I find that a tad overeager but, yes, if a guy was turned off by a single thank you text right after the date then that wouldn't be the right guy to date!

[Starlight925]

Oh, and I just want to add again that if a single text from me after a date is too "eager" for a guy, they are definitely not the one for me. I get not bombarding people with your interest, but I don't think walking on eggshells about communication makes the dating experience fun.

 

I agree completely with your statement here, SGH. In fact, I was going to come back to this post to write this exact same thing.

 

A guy who likes you is only going to have enhanced feelings for you if you text him; a lukewarm guy is going to simply show his lukewarmness earlier (as unfortunately, this guy did).

 

I think you did the right thing, and I support it.

 

And no, I don't like the whole "walking on eggshells about communication" thing either. That takes the fun out of dating. Having to wonder.....do I sit on my hands, do I text, do I respond now or later, etc.? Like someone, text them. Don't like them, move on. It's just not that complicated.

 

And I do not think you were being over-eager, or texting too soon, or whatever. You sent a short text, signaling interest, and he responded about someone possibly flaking, insinuating that you might be his back-up plan. Um, no, girl, you ain't nobody's back-up plan. You deserve the front seat.

[SGH]

Thanks LHGirl, cause that's how I see it too

[SGH]

It's not just the single text. It's that the text was three days after the date and basically repeating what had been talked about on the date and with the ball left in his court. So the timing plus what you wrote could be off putting. It's not about how many texts (well it can be if it's a bunny boiler amount) but the reason for texting, the timing, etc. Certainly I know some women insist on the "thank you text" right after the date even though they said thanks on the date. I find that a tad overeager but, yes, if a guy was turned off by a single thank you text right after the date then that wouldn't be the right guy to date!

 

I totally get the argument and am not fully disagreeing with ya. Like I mentioned earlier, I figured I knew what the outcome would be, but I felt the need to know. Was it a healthy need? Perhaps not. I'll certainly take the experience into my learning as much as possible and consider all of the advice offered here if faced with a similar circumstance in the future.

 

However, I know I feel better, I know where I stand with the guy, and won't be texting him again or waiting for him to reach out, so I can't say I feel any regret for the choice.

[katrina1980]

SGH, what if he does reach out tomorrow (wed) and tells you his Friday plans fell through and would like to see you? Would you consider going? Just curious.

 

I dunno, so many different perspectives.

 

No wrong or right, and some men do actually prefer (and need) the woman to reach out first after a first meet, who knows why, most likely cause they're anxious too and have been burned.

 

SGH you did what was best for you, you feel ok about it, and that's all that matters.

 

What I do find very interesting though is that some of the same posters who support your reaching out were strongly against my reaching out to my bf when he dropped off for four days. Calling him a flake, not interested, etc.

 

Like you, I reached out anyway, for different reasons, and it ended up working out. He was feeling uneasy about all the personal info he had shared and was happy to hear from me!

 

Moral of the story? Do what feels right to you!! Which you did!

 

And moving on... :)

[Batya33]

Katrina - your situation was different -you hadn't met yet, right? So it's not about dating at that point -it's getting to know a stranger to see if there should be a first meet and eventually a first date - a few steps removed from dating especially since physical attraction and chemistry are not yet in play.

 

I would go on the date if the guy called and was enthusiastic etc -as in "why not" - but only if it was planned by tomorrow for the weekend.

[katrina1980]

Correct Bat, we had not met in person, but had connected via messaging so he didn't feel so much like a "stranger" ... but that wasn't even my point..

 

My point was I did what I felt was best for me, and it worked out.

 

And SGH did what she felt was best too and it also worked out, in that she discovered he is not the right man for her.

[SGH]

I thought about it, and if he did reach out and plan something for Friday by tomorrow, I would likely go (but only because I genuinely do not have plans for that day as of now). However, I'd be willing to bet 1000 dollars that will not occur. I think even my slight indication that I expect planned dates was probably enough to "scare" him off. And frankly participating in this thread alone really reduced the appeal of him in general for me.

 

I wouldn't be that surprised if I heard from him on the fly sometime in the future, because often people who want to treat others casually test boundaries to see what they can get away with, but I would not respond past this week. I'm looking for someone who is willing to actually engage in the dating process with me. I consider it to be a rather low bar that I require the ability to be able to nail down firm plans in advance.

 

Oh, and I definitely agree with that moral of the story. We all must own our choices whether they work out or not. Perhaps this thread will finally be laid to rest now

[Batya33]

Correct Bat, we had not met in person, but had connected via messaging so he didn't feel so much like a "stranger" ... but that wasn't even my point..

 

My point was I did what I felt was best for me, and it worked out.

 

And SGH did what she felt was best too and it also worked out, in that she discovered he is not the right man for her.

 

Yes but what you did had nothing to do with dating and who "pursues" -I would have advised something very different had they not yet met. I often asked men to meet for first meets. I contacted first, etc. Did I contact more than once -typically not -but again my thought process had nothing to do with dating. I didn't think a man asked me out when he suggested a first meet nor was I concerned about appearing too 'into him" because there was nothing to be into at that point. I've connected with many people through messaging - friendships and all - I still do, regularly. Typically women but not always. And when I was dating when we communicated through instant message or on the phone before meeting to me that had nothing to do with whether either of us was romantically interested - how could it be? And even if I imagined I might be I knew it wasn't reality till we met and dated.

[Batya33]

I thought about it, and if he did reach out and plan something for Friday by tomorrow, I would likely go (but only because I genuinely do not have plans for that day as of now). However, I'd be willing to bet 1000 dollars that will not occur. I think even my slight indication that I expect planned dates was probably enough to "scare" him off. And frankly participating in this thread alone really reduced the appeal of him in general for me.

 

I wouldn't be that surprised if I heard from him on the fly sometime in the future, because often people who want to treat others casually test boundaries to see what they can get away with, but I would not respond past this week. I'm looking for someone who is willing to actually engage in the dating process with me. I consider it to be a rather low bar that I require the ability to be able to nail down firm plans in advance.

 

Oh, and I definitely agree with that moral of the story. We all must own our choices whether they work out or not. Perhaps this thread will finally be laid to rest now

 

Good idea you have!

[katrina1980]

>>And when I was dating when we communicated through instant message or on the phone before meeting to me that had nothing to do with whether either of us was romantically interested - how could it be?

Lol, yeah I dunno Bat, a mental energy or something cause I definitely felt something (romantically) prior to meeting, so did he.

 

He was the second man I ever felt that way with. And I've messaged with many many men over the years.

 

Anyway, when we met in person, it just confirmed the connection we had established via messaging. Felt like we had known each other for years!

 

Just one of those strange phenomenons I guess.

 

Good luck to you SGH, just keep going, you've got great instincts!

[Starlight925]

a mental energy or something cause I definitely felt something (romantically) prior to meeting, so did he.

 

And a year later, still going strong!

 

This is why it's so important to not use a one-size-fits-all approach to all of this.

 

I remember Katrina's post about her current BF, before they had met, when he had stopped texting, and there were pages of people telling her to forget him (I was probably one!). But she felt something, and figured, what the heck, either he responds or he doesn't; either way, I'll know.

 

Which is why I'm glad, SGH, that you went ahead and texted this guy.

 

And who knows.....he may text you back, and you have a fantastic time, and it turns out, he's not being lukewarm, but something else. Or he could be a last-minute type guy, or whatever. Either way, I think you did the right thing, for now.

 

And for people who haven't been in the dating scene for a while, it's changed. It just has. Texting and apps have changed the game. Friends who have been married for years, but now come out to the dating scene, are shocked at the changes.

[katrina1980]

Thank you LHG! Yeah you got it gf! :))))

 

And I'm glad SGH reached out too, one just never knows, this could all turn around and next week they'll be dating!! Lol

[Batya33]

>>And when I was dating when we communicated through instant message or on the phone before meeting to me that had nothing to do with whether either of us was romantically interested - how could it be?

Lol, yeah I dunno Bat, a mental energy or something cause I definitely felt something (romantically) prior to meeting, so did he.

 

He was the second man I ever felt that way with. And I've messaged with many many men over the years.

 

Anyway, when we met in person, it just confirmed the connection we had established via messaging. Felt like we had known each other for years!

 

Just one of those strange phenomenons I guess.

 

Good luck to you SGH, just keep going, you've got great instincts!

 

Yes, I see what happens before meeting someone in person as far different in the dating scenario and if the person asks about dating "rules" like the OP did here. You can feel romantically about a tadpole, a stranger, someone you know, a platonic friend momentarily, someone you contact through an online site - of course! - that doesn't make it a dating situation -you might be dating online I suppose if you want to call it that -but when I give input about dating it's when the situation involves someone you met to see if you should go on a date (like a first meet) or someone you went on a date with -not someone you typed and talked to and hadn't yet met.

 

I'm not referring to the strength of feelings -just the facts of whether you have met the person in person or not. I don't give input on "online dating" because I don't think dating online is real dating. I'd say the same thing about two people who knew each other in person and met to have sex once a week and then went home. One or both might have intense romantic or loving feelings and if the person involved asked me about dating "rules" with respect to the sex partner I'd say that I don't think any dating rules apply (if the person wanted rules, some don't).

 

I don't think in this situation texting changes anything because the issue was what impression she would make by contacting him three days after a date where she expressed interest in seeing him again and thanked him and he expressed interest in a date but was vague on the time/place details. Just because it's easier to text doesn't mean he's not going to experience it as her being even more interested in him and perhaps a bit desperate - it may look like just typed words on a screen but men especially in my experience are like "oh!! she's SO into me -look - she was obviously thinking about me and hoping I'd ask her out again!"

 

Doesn't have to be a negative - but I don't think women should dismiss it as "oh it's just a text". Certainly any woman who truly believes that she is totally cool asking men out and prefers men who want to be asked out and who prefer to be asked out and want a woman as a partner who will do the asking out -should ask men out. The problem is that I see needy women lie to themselves and say they need "closure" or "it's just a text" or "I'm just gonna go for it!!" when deep down what they really want is a man who will be a bit more traditional, step up to the plate and ask her out on a proper date. All about self-honesty and knowing what you want/need in a potential relationship.

 

When I was dating asking men out in the beginning and contacting them as much as they contacted you or more was effective for flings and flattery of the man, not for serious relationships. So I practiced self-discipline (because I preferred more traditional men) and it worked out well for me in not wasting my time on men who were lukewarm about me. Now all of this is general stuff -for SG specifically -no biggie that she texted him, I don't think it changed much and I applaud her analysis of what she plans to do if he contacts her -I'm psyched she thought it through as much as she did. Impressive.

[katrina1980]

 

Perhaps this thread will finally be laid to rest now

 

Apologies SGH, I just saw this^.

 

Had I read it earlier, I would not have continued to post, especially about my own experience w my bf, this is your thread..

 

I'm all for laying this to rest, if he contacts you and you wish to update, we're here to listen.

 

GL. :)

[SGH]

Ha ha thanks guys and no worries. These types of threads and the extremely thoughtful responses are why I come to ENA. If anything unexpected happens, I'll make sure to update!

[Batya33]

Ha ha thanks guys and no worries. These types of threads and the extremely thoughtful responses are why I come to ENA. If anything unexpected happens, I'll make sure to update!

 

Good luck and also hope you get far more enjoyment out of the dating adventure in the future - you deserve it!

[Betterwithout]

Thanks for the updates SGH.

 

It's a busy world out there. Maybe Friday will work out and maybe you are one a few girls he is interested it.

If not, there will be another guy out there soon!

[Sportster2005]

If he's interested he'll be happy you texted him. If he's not interested, nothing has changed.

[SGH]

Hey, so I don't know if anyone will see this or not but I'm shocked to report that he did as I asked and reached out today to schedule a second date for Friday.

 

I am pleased about this but still weary. I think it's strange that the person cancelled so far in advance? Usually flakes bail at the last minute, which made me wonder if it was all a game to begin with. However, he heard me out and respectfully did as I asked. So, I agreed to the date and am going to reserve my judgment.

 

I am also happy to report my anxiety in general is way down. You guys checked me in an important way and reminded me that I barely know this man. It's not like me to get carried away with my emotions, but when I do it generally means trouble! I'm keeping a cool head and feel relaxed about the situation again, even though I have some typical nerves about Friday.

[reinventmyself]

I am pleased about this but still weary. I think it's strange that the person cancelled so far in advance? Usually flakes bail at the last minute, which made me wonder if it was all a game to begin with.

 

And you are still forecasting a negative outcome. It seems you are preparing yourself to be disappointed so you make up a negative scenario so you aren't disappointed in the end. Just Stop.

 

How about you imagine a positive outcome this time? It doesn't mean you go all in, but it means that you trust yourself and no matter what you'll be ok.

 

Whenever I find myself in your position there are few things I remind myself:

 

*It's just a date, not a marriage proposal, so live in the moment, be your best self and enjoy it. You'll wake up the next day and carry on like you do any other day.

 

*It's just a date and it doesn't guarantee you another one. This person shows up at free will and can leave just as quickly. So he chose to spend `this' time with you. Again, enjoy it.

 

In the early dating phases I refrained from forecasting. The minute I catch myself anticipating `what's next?' I'd stop and distract myself and find something else to occupy my thoughts.

 

He owes you nothing but his time and good company. .in that very moment.

That's it - for now.

 

If you can't handle the unknown, don't date until you can.

Have fun Friday night :)

And we will want a full report.