Issues With Boyfriend and Reconnecting With An Ex

[RayRay63]

Sorry to hear about your illness. Glad you are getting better.

 

I agree with the other posters who have said, and this is the TL:DR version.

 

(a) Decide if you want to end your current relationship. Do this without reference to what you will/might/won't possibly do with Doctor X.

 

(b) Take a break from relationships for a while. A couple of months at least.

 

© Reassess the idea of rekindling things with Doctor X in about June.

 

 

Incidentally, if Dr X posted here I'd tell him to finish helping you with your illness, and then back right off, unless and until you actually plainly say you wanted to try again.

 

If he does that, you should respect it and not try to be "friends" while you are considering it.

 

Edit - saw your post#43. Think of this as positive reinforcement.

[katrina1980]

How did you almost die from pneumonia?

 

Shortness of breath and the coughing was so severe at times, I would often choke on my own phlegm, not able to breathe. So that was pretty scary, not being able to breathe.

 

I had not slept in about five days, so there was that.

 

When I called my ex, and he came over, my fever was 102.

 

He wanted to take me to hospital, but even with healthcare, the cost for that would have been astronomical.

 

Anyway he got the fever down, gave me something called z-pack in a high dose and I started to feel better within a few days.

 

I'm off it now, it's still in my system though for a couple more days, fever is gone but still have coughing spells.

 

But much much better!

 

My doctor had prescribed different antiobiotic which was not working, I was getting worse! I actually felt like I was dying. I called several times, it took three calls before he called back.

 

By then, ex had already given me proper meds, got fever down.

[katrina1980]

Sorry to hear about your illness. Glad you are getting better.

 

I agree with the other posters who have said, and this is the TL:DR version.

 

(a) Decide if you want to end your current relationship. Do this without reference to what you will/might/won't possibly do with Doctor X.

 

(b) Take a break from relationships for a while. A couple of months at least.

 

© Reassess the idea of rekindling things with Doctor X in about June.

 

 

Incidentally, if Dr X posted here I'd tell him to finish helping you with your illness, and then back right off, unless and until you actually plainly say you wanted to try again.

 

If he does that, you should respect it and not try to be "friends" while you are considering it.

 

Edit - saw your post#43. Think of this as positive reinforcement.

 

Thank you Ray! Great advice of which I agree and plan to follow!

 

A couple of months at least!

[Clio]

Hey Karetrina. I haven't read the whole thread but from your description of the two men, I get the sense that you have a pattern of picking emotionally distant men. Your ex is a doctor so it might be that taking care of you while you were sick was natural to him because of his profession rather than him having changed in terms of emotional availability. You have been given some good advice regarding not rushing back to your ex.

[Wiseman2]

This in itself is enough reason to end it. If it's "not important" the why not just mention it? You don't need to justify resurfacing feelings/engaging the exbf. The current bf betrayed you through a deliberate deception. So now you betrayed him back by reaching out to and hanging out with your exbf. Why else would you make a point of telling him all the details of this "innocent" encounter?

I don't think I've ever really gotten over that he never told me he was previously married, he actually admitted he never planned on telling me! They were married for nine years! He didn't think it was important to mention it?

[katrina1980]

@Clio, you may be right, great point thank you.

 

Yes I have been given some. great advice, which I plan to follow.

 

@Wiseman, thanks man but to clarify, we are not "hanging out" lol. Calling it "hanging out" is actually quite funny, tnx for the chuckle.

 

I was very sick, my doctors were not helping, at a very low point I reached out; he came over and has been helping me get better. Gave me proper meds, etc.

 

My bf asked if the meds my doctors gave were helping, if I felt better. I said no, that I contacted my ex, who he knows is a doctor, and that he gave me the proper meds.

 

No betrayal, I was open and honest about it. Unlike he was.

 

Anyway, I'm going to try and get some sleep!!

 

Thank you again for helping me work though this, much appreciated!

[Hollyj]

Feel better, honey!

[Hollyj]

Hey Karetrina. I haven't read the whole thread but from your description of the two men, I get the sense that you have a pattern of picking emotionally distant men. Your ex is a doctor so it might be that taking care of you while you were sick was natural to him because of his profession rather than him having changed in terms of emotional availability. You have been given some good advice regarding not rushing back to your ex.

 

I agree with Clio.

[katrina1980]

I agree with Clio.

 

Me too, I've been thinking about it ever since she posted it.

 

I had a really good nite's sleep and today feel more grounded.

 

I think I am idealizing my ex right now on some level.

 

I am recalling how unhappy I was while dating him as he was so emotionally closed.

 

So now I say "well he's just not emotionally expressive." Lol

 

What a spin! Based on my possibly idealizing him.

 

Reality is he may possibly be emotionally unavailable just as Clio suggested. And his caring comes from him simply being a great doctor!

 

I do seem drawn to these types for some reason!

 

Anyway, my ex has been so kind, caring, if another good looking doctor had been as caring as him, and helped me back to good health, I wonder if I would have developed a bit of a crush on him, which is not uncommon between doctors and patients.

 

I am working through all of it and I thank Clio for mentioning it as a possibility.

[itsallgrand]

Having a good doctor as a friend is worth the weight in gold! ☺️ Seems perfect to keep that relationship as is.

[IAmFCA]

Kat,

 

What a story! I have had pneumonia, and I have had (HAVE) a pattern of partnering with emotionally distant men. You and I have sometimes shared a minority position on these pages. I am sorry to have overlooked this thread of yours until now!

 

1. When I had pneumonia, I was loopy. I didn't know. I was going to work (!), refusing to go to the doctor until everyone ganged up on me. The result: I had evidence of my loopiness. When I returned to work, I read a memo I had written previously. It made no sense. I couldn't follow my own logic. So, go easy on yourself and make no big decisions!

 

2. Emotionally self-sufficient can be spun many ways (unavailable), as can emotionally distant (stoic). I end up at this: How do we resolve conflict, and is it effective? The rest of it: whatever. Apparently, I date rocks. Maybe I am a rock. Rocks can be lovable, right? :)

 

3. Bravo to you for taking responsibility for your health. Be careful coming off the z pac. I found I would spring back to mild symptoms afterwards. My doc finally wrote me a scrip to stay home until I got better. I was hard headed, I guess.

 

4. I was able to get inoculated for pneumonia, and insurance covered it, after I had it. The inoculation is offered to at-risk populations such as those with exposure or people of advanced age. It lasts 9 years, and apparently is a covered expense once one's own illness proves the risk. Maybe check it out if you haven't yet.

 

Glad you are feeling better!

 

 

ETA: I recently invoked a similar thought as yours: "I have a history of bailing on relationships, so wanted to stick it out, not run as is my typical MO." I regret your efforts didn't pan out with respect to the bf, but I bet they did with respect to practicing your own skill set in addressing relationship concerns. That is the path to being emotionally available... so likely your next, whom/whenever that it is, also will be more emotionally available than priors. (And maybe he will have a British accent too).

[catfeeder]

It makes no sense to apply the kind of binary thinking that says, "I've always done one thing, so from now on I will only do the opposite regardless of the outcome, which means I'll stick with a liar who cares nothing about me when I'm sick." ...Seriously?

 

Part of maturity is learning to apply discretion.

 

With that in mind, do you believe that it's wise to remain in a relationship with a man who owns no relationship with the truth? How did this guy respond on your first date when you asked him if he's ever been married? Did he lie, or did he change the subject?

 

There's a big problem with failing to finish old business before starting new business with someone else, regardless of whether it's with a new stranger or an ex. You'll position yourself badly with the new guy. With each convo or meeting that bonds you closer, you'll just demonstrate more clearly that you own the capacity for disloyalty to someone who trusts you.

 

I'd skip that, it's poisoning your own foundation. Even if new guy 'wins' you away from old guy, he'll enjoy his victory for about 5 minutes before it occurs to him that he's been promoted from the one you're disloyal 'with' to the one you'll eventually be disloyal 'to'.

 

Not a great start, for anyone. I'd tell new guy that I have old business to resolve, and then I'd go do it. If you find yourself unclear about exactly WHY you're doing it, that's just muddying your own waters. I'd chalk it up to learning about the guy's past what he neglected to tell me, and Boom. Done.

 

This stuff only needs to be as complex as we decide to make it. I'd rethink my original position of throwing discretion to the wind, and I'd reconcile instead the kind of relationship that ~I~ want to have--and demonstrate--with loyalty and the truth.

[katrina1980]

Thnx ICA, I tried working too, before I knew what it was, early stages, but my bosses sent me home immediately. I was coughing and could not even talk!

 

Went to doctor, he gave me note to be out two weeks. Longer if needed. Prescribed an antibiotic which didn't work, my ex explained there are different types of bacteria that don't respond to certain meds.

 

So he prescribed the z pack which I responded to beautifully!! I've been off it for three days and getting better every day, my coughing has subsided significantly and its a dry cough now.

 

I will have to look into inoculation, my mom had pneumonia every year but she was a heavy smoker, I don't smoke or drink heavily and I'm not "advanced" age, this is the first time I've had it.

 

I suppose if I get it again, inoculation could be justified, I'll have to wait and see.

 

Yeah you and I do seem to share a common bond on many things, I guess this is just one more thing!

 

Lots of crazy bugs flying around CA now, from a minor colds to bronchitis, sinus infections to pneumonia.

 

A woman in my office was sick for two months. She worked every day, coughing hacking away.

 

She finally went to doctor who diagnosed her with bronchitis and sinus infection.

 

I may have caught from her and being the stress I am under with bf situation and my brother's illness, my immune system dropped and I developed pneumonia but who knows!

 

Thnx again for chiming in!!

[katrina1980]

Having a good doctor as a friend is worth the weight in gold! ☺️ Seems perfect to keep that relationship as is.

 

Absolutely!

 

We shall see, perhaps we will remain just friends.

 

A good friend to have for sure! :)