Issues With Boyfriend and Reconnecting With An Ex

[Starlight925]

"Not wanting to bail", or being the "person who bails", is becoming a story you're telling yourself. Don't tell yourself a story, don't make yourself into a story, because then, you simply become that story.

 

Spending a year with someone, going through all 4 seasons, and deciding things will not work out, is not "bailing". It's simply what it is: deciding that an end has come to a relationship.

 

Being someone who "bails" would be dating for a few weeks or months, leaving, and then repeating that cycle.

 

With your exBF (the doctor), I remember when and why you ended things: you felt he lacked empathy, that he was too "scientific", that you possibly couldn't be your authentic self with him. That, too, was not "bailing", but deciding, at that time, that the relationship wasn't going to work out (then).

 

What you do tend to do (and I do it too!) is you get really really, super excited in the beginnings. You have the best beginnings around here. You always seem to go into relationships with this huge sort of sunny optimism, and that, I believe, is one thing that draws these guys into you. What you don't do is go into it with skepticism, or cynicism. So you go in, full force, the lovely, beautiful, sexy girl, and you fall fast and hard.

 

But when you feel it's time to make that decision, that decision where you have to wonder if this will be forever, or if this has reached its end, you make it. And from what I've seen, you don't make these decisions hastily. Thus, I don't see you as "one who bails".

 

And as someone who adores you, I want you to stop telling yourself that story. Mmmmk??

[katrina1980]

Aw, thank you for sharing all that LHG, not sure I agree with all of it, there were some relationships I did bail on too soon, maybe my ex was one, still working through that, trying to figure it out.

 

I do know I was still attracted to him, sex was amazing, but he lacks the emotional depth I need.

 

Or so I felt at the time.

 

I don't recall ever saying he lacked empathy, he's a doctor he had (has!) loads of empathy, he's just very cerebral (versus emotional) so doesn't express it the same way I do, I understand that now. Which makes sense in the line of work he's in, dealing with crisis and trauma all day.

 

But I'm seeing his empathy now in how much he's been caring for me while I've been ill. He doesn't have to, he's not my doctor, he's my ex bf, so I know he's doing it because he wants to, he genuinely cares, at least on some level.

 

But I'm being careful and want be 100% better, physically and mentally, and broken off from my current before I make any decisions.

 

Hope that makes sense and for the record, I adore you too! :)

[Starlight925]

Thanks for the correction. "Cerebral" vs. "emotional", not lack of empathy. Makes sense. I see the difference.

[Capricorn3]

Reaching out to your exBF.....hmm......that's unsettling, I have to be honest. We would be all over your BF if he reached out to an exGF, even if he said, "well I was at death's door, and she's a doctor". You know as well as we do that your exBF, the doctor, is not the only doctor in your large city who could treat your pneumonia. This part isn't my business, but are you a patient of record? As in, he's treating you? He obviously is, or he wouldn't have/couldn't have prescribed anything. Which then crosses into an ethical dilemma, doctors dating patients.

I agree 100% with the above. From the entire story, this is what I am stuck on the most. If someone else posted this, what would YOUR advice be to them? Serious question.

[katrina1980]

I find it sad that's what stuck out the most but you're entitled to your opinion, so respect it.

 

Anyway, to answer your question, at the risk of sounding defensive, I had pneumonia, my doctors weren't helpful, I was very sick, had not slept, at one of my lowest points, physically and mentally.

 

I wasn't thinking right or wrong, my bad, I own that.

 

I reached out, he's been helping me on my road to recovery and don't regret it.

 

My bf and I are done, have been for a long time. Should've ended it three months ago, another bad on me.

 

Not justifying why I reached out although it sounds that way.

 

Just explaining and if someone else posted this, with the same circumstances, I definetly would not judge, I would put myself in their shoes, and try to understand.

 

Right now my ex is my friend and that's all, and am very grateful he was able to help me when my own doctors could not.

[Bravil]

You’re in a emotional state and looking for the support your boyfriend isn’t given you. I would say take more time to figure out what you want because your ex true colors are going to show up again once he gets comfortable.

[Capricorn3]

I find it sad that's all that stuck out.

 

Anyway, to answer your question, at the risk of sounding defensive, I had pneumonia, my doctors weren't helpful, I was very sick, had not slept, at one of my lowest points, physically and mentally.

 

I wasn't thinking right or wrong, my bad, I own that.

 

I reached out, he's been helping me on my road to recovery and don't regret it.

 

My bf and I are done, have been for a long time. Should've ended it three months ago, another bad on me.

 

Not justifying why I reached out although it sounds that way.

 

Just explaining and if someone else posted this, with the same circumstances, I definetly would not judge, I would put myself in their shoes, and try to understand.

 

Right now my ex is my friend and that's all.

 

Again, just curious as to what advice you would give to someone if they had posted that? Oh, and an EX you're still very attracted to. What advice would you give them?

[katrina1980]

Again, just curious as to what advice you would give to someone if they had posted that? Oh, and an EX you're still very attracted to. What advice would you give them?

 

I would give the same advice most gave to me.

 

Break up with current, focus on getting well and when back to 100% physically and mentally, decide what to do re their ex then.

 

Not judge, but understand they were at a low point, perhaps not thinking clearly.

 

And of course wish them a quick recovery!

[katrina1980]

You’re in a emotional state and looking for the support your boyfriend isn’t given you. I would say take more time to figure out what you want because your ex true colors are going to show up again once he gets comfortable.

 

Great point!

[Capricorn3]

Break up with current, focus on getting well and when back to 100% physically and mentally, decide what to do re their ex then.

There ya go. You answered your own question: - "I am finding myself falling for him again, I want to tell him and see how he feels. Is this a good idea?"

 

"It's all very innocent, my bf knows

 

Falling for the ex, still having feelings for him ...... maybe not so "innocent" after all? ;-)

[katrina1980]

Just wanted to add I am extremely grateful to my ex, no matter what happens.

 

Who the hell knows where I'd be if I had not reached out, I might be dead and not exaggerating!

 

I did not get the right medication, I had been calling my doctor, he did not even have the courtesy to call me back.

 

I ended up calling three times before he called back, by then my ex had already prescribed the right meds, thanks anyway doc.

 

The healthcare in this country sucks!

[limichelle]

I’ve noticed people’s true colors come out when we are in dire times. It could be a death in the family and in your case falling critically ill. Your boyfriend showing a lack of concern, or care is alarming and a red flag you can’t fully rely on him to be there when you need him the most.

 

I think your ex looks good right now because he was there for you during your time of need. Like another poster said that he may fall back into why he’s an ex in the first place.

 

I think not telling you he was married before is really weird especially since she’s still in touch with his family.

 

I say cut ties with the boyfriend because you sound very much over it with him.

 

Once you feel one hundred percent then think about your ex more but not until you have better clarity.

 

Lisa

[Hollyj]

Kat, you need to end it with the bf. Pronto.

 

I also think that you need to give yourself some time. No monkey branching. You need to process why you stayed with the current one, and question returning to the old relationship. He was not there for you when you were together, either.. Other than this recent episode, what makes you think he can change into a better bf?

[katrina1980]

Hi Holls, my ex was never a "bad" bf, he was there for me when I needed him. Which was not often, I'm just not a needy person, and we were together only four months, so he never really had a chance to be there for me, till now.

 

If you read my thread about when I ended it with him (since deleted for privacy reasons), I just didn't feel at the time he was the right fit for me for reasons already stated.

 

But I've learned something valuable since.

 

That I can't expect a man to always express himself emotionally the way I do, it does not mean he does not feel emotions (which is what I thought at the time) he just processes and expresses them differently.

 

I didn't accept him for who he was and is, a man who feels things deeply but prefers to wear his feelings close to his chest.

 

Which I interpreted as him not caring!

 

But I was wrong, I prejudged him based on some ideal I had in my head about how a man should act and express himself when he cares and in a relationship.

 

Ironically, he's very much like my late dad, who I didn't feel cared either for a long time, but who I discovered later, by living with him for a bit and just becoming close to him before his death that he loved me ALOT!

 

He just wasn't as open or expressive as I am about his feelings but was always there when I needed him, strong as a rock, and expressed his love through action (doing) versus verbally (grand emotional declarations).

[Hollyj]

Kat, If you are not getting your needs met emotionally, then how can you possible go forward. This is important.

 

Does the current bf fulfill the emotional needs or is he simply not there when he needs to be- I'm sorry, I skimmed?

[mustlovedogs]

Be careful not to delude yourself. You sound ready to jump back into the thick of it with your ex. You’re saying it’s innocent, he was just helping you, all that - but you clearly want something to come of it. Which is ok, just be honest with your intentions. And be mindful, too, that him helping you in a crisis can arbitrarily strengthen feelings of a bond.

 

I do think you’ll need to spend some time single and not just swing over to the doctor again

[Starlight925]

Has your exBF been dating this past year? Is he still on the sites? Did you talk about his dating situation?

[katrina1980]

Kat, If you are not getting your needs met emotionally, then how can you possible go forward. This is important.

 

Does the current bf fulfill the emotional needs or is he simply not there when he needs to be- I'm sorry, I skimmed?

 

Holls, I think if read all my posts on this thread you will have a better understanding.

 

No my current does not meet my needs, maybe he did at the beginning, but he hasn't been there for me at all while sick; did you read the part wherein I discovered after nine months dating him he was previously married but never told me?

 

His sister told me!

 

I don't even want to talk about him, I am SO done, I will be ending it ASAP.

 

Re my ex, I explained. It was me, not him. I didn't give him or us a chance.

 

I had too many expectations, I recall Batya asking me if I ever told him how I felt - that I was interpreting his non-expressive nature as him not caring.

 

No I never talked to him about it, I just bailed!

 

As I said, I did not think he would even care, but he choked back tears, yes obviously he cared a lot!

 

And now this - being there for me, helping me through; he came over, brought down my fever, made sure I ate, and of course prescribed the proper meds that literally saved my life.

 

When my own doctors couldn't be bothered to help me.

 

I don't know what's going to happen Holls, all I know is I have realized a few things since this all happened.

 

About him, about myself.

 

I am going to continue my recovery, almost there thank goodness!

 

For now, my first order of business is breaking up with my bf.

 

After that, when I feel 100% myself again, will figure out how to proceed then..

 

For now, not saying anything.

[katrina1980]

Has your exBF been dating this past year? Is he still on the sites? Did you talk about his dating situation?

 

What? No we have not discussed any of that, why would we?

 

I don't even understand why you're asking.

 

He's helping me get better, that's all.

 

We're friends.

[mustlovedogs]

What? No we have not discussed any of that, why would we?

 

I don't even understand why you're asking.

 

He's helping me get better, that's all.

 

We're friends.

 

See, this is why I think you’re starting to toe the line of lying to yourself.

 

You say in words you’re friends and imply you don’t care if he’s in a relationship - but it’s clear that’s not true

[katrina1980]

See, this is why I think you’re starting to toe the line of lying to yourself.

 

You say in words you’re friends and imply you don’t care if he’s in a relationship - but it’s clear that’s not true

 

I never said I did not care if he was in a relationship, where did I say that?

 

I just said we haven't discussed it, right now it's irrelevant.

 

I admit my feelings for him are returning knowing he cares, but I have not shared with him, his dating status is none of my business.

 

I am going to get off this thread now, I am starting to feel on the defensive, which isn't helping.

 

I explained why I reached out, it was not with the intention of rekindling anything and if he had not been a doctor and I needed help, I would not have.

 

I am very clear on that.

 

These feelings returning is a big surprise.

 

Thanks guys, nite everyone. :)

[Starlight925]

What? No we have not discussed any of that, why would we?

 

I don't even understand why you're asking.

 

He's helping me get better, that's all.

 

We're friends.

 

Ok why are you getting snarky with me now? You have tons of words here about what a good guy he is, how you’ve realized that he shows he cares in different ways than you thought, how he does show empathy, and you insinuate that you have thoughts about being with him.

 

So I asked what I thought was a natural question. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to weigh in here.

 

All you had to say was that no, you haven’t talked about his dating life. Don’t jump on me for asking. Just say no, it’s not something we’ve talked about.

[mustlovedogs]

I never said I did not care if he was in a relationship, where did I say that?

 

I just said we haven't discussed it, right now it's irrelevant.

 

I admit my feelings for him are returning knowing he cares, but I have not shared with him, his dating status is none of my business.

 

I am going to get off this thread now, I am starting to feel on the defensive, which isn't helping.

 

I explained why I reached out, it was not with the intention of rekindling anything and if he had not been a doctor and I needed help, I would not have.

 

I am very clear on that.

 

These feelings returning is a big surprise.

 

Thanks guys, nite everyone. :)

 

I said you imply it.

 

You implied it with your response to LH.

[katrina1980]

Apologies LHG, I know you're trying to help. Sorry. :(

 

Besides still being sick, guess I'm feeling pretty emotional, and all the questions about my ex, I don't even know how to answer as these new feelings are a surprise.

 

His actions show he cares but I actually have no idea.

 

He could have a gf I just don't know I have not asked, right now just focusing on getting better!

 

Again sorry for jumping on you the way I did.

[j.man]

How did you almost die from pneumonia?