SherrySher Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 No worries, FIO. For what it's worth, I normally agree with the majority of your posts. Great advice. Link to comment
Sportster2005 Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 Graciously and sincerely with her luck. Then you block her and don't let her back. Translated; "I've chosen someone else over you, but if it doesn't work out, you're a good second choice." Link to comment
Sportster2005 Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 We are mostly on the same page FIO. I cringe every time I see the fast and nuclear "block and delete" posts...I can't imagine how bad I'd feel if I was simply conversing with someone and...block. She isn't conversing with him anymore. That was her decision. I've wasted waaaayyyyyyyy too much time with women in this scenario. I sincerely wish them best. After repeatedly wasting time and energy in this scenario, I simply vowed to move forwards, not backwards. Unless it's consensual, and there is a benefit to remain in contact, what's the point? I have enough friends, and my time and resources are limited for dating. Once you'er rejected have some dignity and move on. It's pathetic hoping you're a solid second choice. Link to comment
SilverFactory Posted March 20, 2019 Author Share Posted March 20, 2019 Graciously and sincerely with her luck. Then you block her and don't let her back. Translated; "I've chosen someone else over you, but if it doesn't work out, you're a good second choice." Are you considered a second choice even though you and her never met? Link to comment
bluecastle Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 Around and around we go with this business of first choice, second choice, block, delete, and so on. The mind—or at least this mind—truly spins. You have to date from a place of supreme and wounded entitlement, with a heart (or, er, ego) shielded by thinnest of skins, to have this mindset. Per Sportster, I don't even know how one can "waste time" with women in "this scenario" unless that's time spent sitting on your thumbs, bemoaning women, and waiting for a specific woman to get tired of Guy A so she can give you a whirl as Guy B. If so, it's you defining yourself as "second choice," not her. A lot has been said about how this woman's behavior was selfish, self-centered. Well, I'll flip the script a bit, and say it's awfully selfish and self-centered to expect someone you don't know to be really into you—and to have nothing else pulling at their attention—when you literally don't know them from a screen. It takes a pretty self-involved mindset, in other words, to even feel rejected in this scenario. Stung, sure. Disappointed, no doubt. But "rejected"? C'mon! That's a self-induced feeling in the early stages, especially in the pre-IRL stages, and to indulge it is to find a twisted kind of comfort in thinking of the opposite sex as the enemy even as you go about trying to connect with the opposite sex. Link to comment
SilverFactory Posted March 20, 2019 Author Share Posted March 20, 2019 My apologies, but I did not mention something. I did not do it deliberately but just thought it was not important. I have seen this woman on the site around 2 years ago and sent her a message. She read it and did not respond. Back then also I was very excited about her and was bummed that she did not respond. Then she left the site and I did not see her again.. 2 years later now I saw her again and felt excited again. For a moment I was wondering if I should message her again when she did not respond previously but I took a chance and sent the message.. and then the rest of the things happened. I don't know if this additional information makes any difference but wanted to tell anyway. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 Come on, Kat, you've got a big heart. If you think about someone who has been on the dating sites for years, had loads of trouble finding a date, then he finds someone he is genuinely excited about and she does this, you can understand why it would sting so much. I, myself can picture it fairly clearly as I can recall the dating sites and how disappointment kept racking up. It really is frustrating and can really bring a person down. Maybe some of us are more sensitive souls, I don't know, but I can totally see where OP was coming from. I totally agree with this, but all of this is about him and his experience and has very little to do with how she handled her part. I've done my share of internet dating and I have been on both sides of this dynamic. It appears he was open to meeting people during the time that she first communicated with SF, she was doing the same with others. That's part of the process. No one can predict when one connection will gain momentum or when another will drop off and die. The point is, you can't let it rock you. Years ago I went on a couple of very nice dates with someone and based on my experience, we had a good connection. As it turns out he had met someone a couple weeks prior to me and had a little more time invested and decided to see where things would go with her. I can't say I wasn't a little disappointed, but I didn't personalize it and it didn't take anything away from me. It had nothing to do with me and everything to do with them. I also appreciated that he wanted to focus on one person at a time. It just wasn't me. He could have very well carried on with both of us simultaneously, but he chose not to and for that I was thankful. He did get in touch with me the following year. We hung out as friends a few times and as much as it was nice, it was equally uneventful. He was a nice guy, wrong timing. That's all there is to it. Sprinkled in this thread are references of having dated or dating and the challenges that go along with it. It's been pointed and I will repeat it . .they weren't dating and had never even met. He can't be passed over for someone else if he had never met her to begin with. It's his choice if he chooses to make this personal. The only thing I can see that she might have done wrong is the request to look him up if things don't turn out with the first guy. It wouldn't bother me. I certainly wouldn't prioritize someone who came back after-the -fact, but I might be open to meeting them after all. There isn't one right answer for this. Everyone's tolerance and frame of reference for these type of things is different. I respect if it's deal breaker for some. I have just learned to not take things so personally, especially from someone I've never even laid eyes on. Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 I don't know if this additional information makes any difference but wanted to tell anyway. No, it makes no difference whatsoever (imo). OP, I'm starting to get the feeling you're messing with us. Link to comment
SilverFactory Posted March 20, 2019 Author Share Posted March 20, 2019 No, it makes no difference whatsoever (imo). OP, I'm starting to get the feeling you're messing with us. No.. I am not. I just felt like if this additional information matters or not. Link to comment
figureitout23 Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 No.. I am not. I just felt like if this additional information matters or not. I remember reading it so you must have mentioned it. I dont think it makes a difference, other than it shows you were hyper focused on this woman, but to be fair that was kinda obvious after a while. Link to comment
katrina1980 Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 @reinvent - very well said! :) Link to comment
figureitout23 Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 Im moving this convo back where it belongs, because it certainly did not belong on my two year old post you dug up. The events like I find a woman attractive and she reciprocates my interest but it goes nowhere. Those are the type of events I am referring to. Other than online dating this bad luck also happens when I tried speed dating, singles events, when I was in grad school etc. I realize you keep mentioning the other 2 women but honestly why would I waste their time or mine if I am not attracted to them? Do you go out with every man that asks you on a date even when you don't find them attractive? I keep mentioning them because you keep trying to portray yourself as hopeless, you're not, you have options, you are going after specific women. I believe to your own detriment. To kinda piggy back off of what blue was saying and what I've been saying you want to be a victim so dangone bad, that way you dont have to take any real risks. Deep down, you dont really want to date, if you did this would not be an issue. Its kinda like people who are commitmentphobes, they post and are told theyre commitmentphobes and they deny it adamnetly because well theyre dating. They are manifesting their issues within dating, by dating non starters they get to avoid an actual relationship and actual risk. Nickel by going after these women you pine after you're inadvertently making sure you dont actually date. If your MAIN goal is dating, and finding a partner, you would be hyper focused ON DATING on meeting a partner, not on these ideals youre creating. Instead your issues are so heavy theyre weighing you down man... I know you think Im trying to attack you by not simply brushing over what youre saying, but dude, you gotta stop this or you will end up alone. Take a break, do some self help, maybe some time alone really sit with your thoughts, get out a piece of paper write out your desires in a partner. DO NOT DESCRIBE A SPECIFIC WOMAN you will end up right back at square one realistically make a list of your desires. communicate...openly with women, do not hyper focus on one, its not charming its to your detriment, you are not capable of focusing on one person, not right now. Get comfortable chatting with women who meet your basic needs, not women who are 'perfect' but women who are human. For the love of God go on an actual date. Again you built your own prison only you can get yourself out. Link to comment
SilverFactory Posted March 21, 2019 Author Share Posted March 21, 2019 Thanks fio Yes, I am planning to take a break from the dating apps and do some introspection. Link to comment
bluecastle Posted March 21, 2019 Share Posted March 21, 2019 Aside from introspection, if I may, I'd take some time to focus on things that bring you joy and confidence. Carve those out, cultivate that stuff, and the dating stuff becomes a lot easier because you know you have joy and confidence regardless of how it goes. You said earlier that you assumed from my attitude on here that I was young, having lots of sex, living on some different planet than you. Well, I'm on the same planet, basically your age. I admit I've been pretty "lucky" out there when it comes to experience, but I assure you there has been plenty of pain and disappointment mixed in with the glitter and gauze, and at midlife I've yet to find the kind of sustained romantic connection I've yearned for since puberty struck many moons ago. What keeps me nimble out in the minefield is that I'm pretty good without it. I've got a little bag of tricks that brings me joy, and I'm always adding to it. Keeps the thirst in check, keeps the shrapnel from the mines from getting in too deep, you know? Link to comment
boltnrun Posted March 21, 2019 Share Posted March 21, 2019 I'm a middle aged woman who hasn't dated in a zillion years and I still think I'm a catch. However I have made zero attempts to date, which I interpret at not being in a dating mindset. I don't feel awful about it. It's just not on my radar. Can you try to achieve a mindset that dating should be a fun bonus instead of defining your worth? Link to comment
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