What should I respond?

[SherrySher]

Sorry, but I agree to disagree. I think you guys are being too harsh.

 

We're meant to help people, not judge and criticize. We've all been in rough spots at one point or another.

[SilverFactory]

OP, I am just just curious.

 

When you begin chatting with a woman, you chat for a few days, seem to connect, do you feel that obligates her to (1) stop chatting with other men

 

No I do not. In this case also I knew for sure she must be chatting with many guys as she is quite attractive and I figured she must have lot of matches. But that also made me feel more excited because despite many suitors she was still chatting with me and accepted a date.

 

(2) continue chatting with you even if after a few more chats, she decides you are not the right fit and changed her mind about meeting?

 

What about after you meet? Assumimg you clicked on some level, do you feel that obligates her to continue dating you even if, again, she does not feel you were the right fit ?

 

If yes, may I ask why? Or where you developed this attitude?

 

I would be disappointed, upset even but I think she has the right to do it. Around 5 years ago I got a really nice match on a Sunday evening and I messaged her the same night. She responded the next day and after just a few messages we set up a date for Friday. We met for the date. Next day she said she did not feel the romantic chemistry. I felt bummed but not too upset because the whole thing was over in a few days. I didn't come to ENA and start a thread about it.

 

The thing that upsets me with this girl is that if she was already so into the other guy why start things with other people? He was already in her life when she started messaging me. Yes, she has the right to go on dates with many guys. But if she had already decided about one guy why continue to message others? A day before she informed me of her decision she also removed her profile from the site.

 

Having said all this I have to say that I feel more upset and angry with myself than with her.. I feel like a loser for yet again missing an opportunity.

[SilverFactory]

Look at that, almost like clock work...

 

What do you mean by "almost like clock work"?

[figureitout23]

What do you mean by "almost like clock work"?

 

You went from ownership and adulthood to wounded bird.

 

She’s mean ok now what?

 

Honestly now what.

 

Let’s follow Sherry’s method.

 

Yep she’s mean.

 

Now what?

 

Is she coming back now?

 

Nope.

 

Are you worse off than if you took some ownership and recognized what changes you need to make to make dating easier?

 

Yup.

[SilverFactory]

You went from ownership and adulthood to wounded bird.

 

She’s mean ok now what?

 

Honestly now what.

 

Let’s follow Sherry’s method.

 

Yep she’s mean.

 

Now what?

 

Is she coming back now?

 

Nope.

 

Are you worse off than if you took some ownership and recognized what changes you need to make to make dating easier?

 

Yup.

 

Ok thanks.

 

I think I am very different from you and some other people here. I feel some excitement when I get a match, get excited when I get phone number / date. I am not sure how I should control myself from not feeling any excitement when these things happen.

 

I am not sure if you are single and looking but if you are and if you get a match / phone number / date you do not feel any excitement at all? How do develop the mindset to only see that person as static text and pixels?

[figureitout23]

Sorry, but I agree to disagree. I think you guys are being too harsh.

 

We're meant to help people, not judge and criticize. We've all been in rough spots at one point or another.

 

Wow....

 

Ok sherry let’s follow your method “she’s a bad bad woman...”

 

Ok what’s next?

 

I was helping him, not coddling him, there’s a difference. Telling him she’s a mean mean woman does nothing but further cement his ideals towards women which he states aren’t that great, she could be the devil incarnate, they never met so at he end of the day this issue lies with him and has to be him rectifying if he’s to have any hope of dating.

[figureitout23]

Ok thanks.

 

I think I am very different from you and some other people here. I feel some excitement when I get a match, get excited when I get phone number / date. I am not sure how I should control myself from not feeling any excitement when these things happen.

 

I am not sure if you are single and looking but if you are and if you get a match / phone number / date you do not feel any excitement at all? How do develop the mindset to only see that person as static text and pixels?

 

I’m not going back in circles with you silver we already went through this hours ago. Blue spoke with you, I spoke with you, you were coming out of the hole then you had someone coddle you and you jumped right back into the hole now we’re back to square one where you’re expecting me to once again explain how your reaction to someone you never met is unrealistic ESPECIALLY considering you did indeed have two other women interested in you.

 

These questions have already been addressed.

 

I can sit here and tell you, yes she’s mean.

 

You are no better off silver, because in the grand scheme of things she was an idea. You thought you got someone out of your league and that excited you because that’s where your expectations lie, when it didn’t pan out you’re falling apart.

 

At its core this is what’s happening. You do have potential women you didn’t want them you wanted this one, that’s reality.

 

It sucks but if you got a better handle of your ego you could handle this without the dooms day attitude.

[SilverFactory]

how your reaction to someone you never met is unrealistic

 

Ok got it. Thanks

[SilverFactory]

You do have potential women you didn’t want them you wanted this one, that’s reality.

 

But what is wrong in wanting the person that you are the most excited about? I don't get it.

 

If 3 guys are interested in you what are the chances you are going to be interested in all 3 of them? and why would it be wrong if you are only excited about 1 of the 3 guys? Surely, I would not lecture you and say you are supposed to be interested in all 3.

[katrina1980]

Ok thanks.

 

I think I am very different from you and some other people here. I feel some excitement when I get a match, get excited when I get phone number / date. I am not sure how I should control myself from not feeling any excitement when these things happen.

 

 

SF, no one is saying you should not be excited!! That's not what we're saying at all!

 

Of course you are excited, we all feel excited when we find someone we think is a match!

 

Heck, I recall chatting with a man on line, we really connected, having a blast, I was over the moon!

 

I really fell hard for him, right there on line, before meeting.

 

But then suddenly, after he suggested meeting, having an actual date, and me excitingly agreeing, for whatever reason he dropped off, didn't even give an explanation, just stopped responding and ghosted.

 

Which was his prerogative, he owed me NOTHING at that point in time. We had never even met for goodness sakes, let alone had an actual date.

 

An explanation would have been nice but I didn't get even that, but you know what? -- it was okay!! Why because I am a strong girl, resilient, who knows how to pick herself up and carry on after disappointment. This attitude serves me very well in dating and in life in general.

 

Now I don't struggle with dating nearly as much as you do, so I understand your excitement and disappointment may have felt more intense, but nevertheless that's still no excuse to start being resentful of women for doing it.

 

If YOU had more experience with dating, there is NO doubt that sometimes you would be doing the same thing this woman did - changing your mind about meeting women you had begun an on line interaction with. It happens, it's dating -- hell it's LIFE!

 

I hope you can understand this and take steps to change your mind frame because the more resentful and bitter you get, the more you will be turning women off.

 

Women (people) can sense that negative energy and it ends up becoming a neverending vicious cycle. Even if you think you're doing a good job of hiding your resentment, you're not. It's all about the energy you project.

 

My advice is to get off OLDing. Get out and meet women in the real world, taking the focus off dating them and just having nice fun casual convos. Start liking them again, start trusting them.

 

We're not the enemy here, we go through the same shyt men do, believe me when I say that.

[figureitout23]

But what is wrong in wanting the person that you are the most excited about? I don't get it.

 

If 3 guys are interested in you what are the chances you are going to be interested in all 3 of them? and why would it be wrong if you are only excited about 1 of the 3 guys? Surely, I would not lecture you and say you are supposed to be interested in all 3.

 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with having your eyes in one specific woman nothing at all, completely normal.

 

What’s not normal is you going into a full blown depressive state of this is my life. I will never meet anyone, I’m low quality, because that ONE specific woman didn’t pan out.

 

You wouldn’t have to lecture me. If 3 men were interested in me and I didn’t meet any of them but I was interested most in one, until I met him and confirmed that spark I would have continued talking to all 3 and if I never met him ( which has happened many times) I would feel that sting, because it’s a bit of a knock, I don’t think anyone’s denying that but then I’d keep going. I dated a dude I was on the fence about for months, I got turned down by another who I was luke warn about, I’ve been disappointed when I had a picture in my mind based on photos that simply didn’t meet reality. This is dating, this was said to you pages ago, this is dating. If you ripped off the bandaid and just got out there instead of only waiting for that one specific woman you could get your feet wet.

 

You typed yourself not me you stated you have a lot of self esteem issues and issues towards women to face, what changed?

 

Someone told you you’re a victim and you flipped that quick?

 

Come on silver, I’m not judging you, I’m not scolding you, I’m saying you cannot sit here and victimize yourself over this for so many different reasons, it’s not based on reality, rejection happens and it sucks but you can’t let it take you out like this, if you do you will never meet anyone. And for he love of God meet someone quit turning down nice women, you can’t learn to swim without getting in the water.

[itsallgrand]

OLD can be very harsh. For everyone.

Meeting people ' the old fashioned way' seemed easier, somehow. Not that there isn't rejection, misses, bad dates, crazies and people wasting time. There are.

But it can seem less robotic somehow. You see them right away, get their general vibe, and it's direct communication with a human.

There's a lot of things people feel free to do online they would not do in person!

 

Experience, Silver. I think what Katrina said is great, learning to like women and connect on that human level. Takes a lot of the in your head overthinking out of it.

 

I went on a spree at one point where I just went on a tonne of dates to learn to get comfy with it. To takes the power out of it. Just like with job interviews, the more comfortable you are, the better they seem to go. It's simply building that confidence. That's what's missing here. You need to build it up again, and it doesn't have to be a focus on your best matches in your head. Try all different experiences, and you learn as you go.

[SilverFactory]

What’s not normal is you going into a full blown depressive state of this is my life. I will never meet anyone, I’m low quality, because that ONE specific woman didn’t pan out.

 

You wouldn’t have to lecture me. If 3 men were interested in me and I didn’t meet any of them but I was interested most in one, until I met him and confirmed that spark I would have continued talking to all 3

 

Ok thanks. That's what I was asking.

[purplepaisley]

Sorry, but I agree to disagree. I think you guys are being too harsh.

 

We're meant to help people, not judge and criticize. We've all been in rough spots at one point or another.

 

I agree. This is a support forum and I have seen any number of posts stating, "Write to ENA before you go writing or contacting that ex/crazyperson/scum/jerk..." but when someone uses this forum to vent and gain insight, there is a tendancy to judge harshly..."all you do is come here and complain." I agree, you have to see someone making some positive moves, but I think sometimes we fail to see that and fail to support.

 

I can relate to this guy...I think most of us can. It's hard and it hurts. I do think the OP can stand to be a bit more flexible in the types of women he would like to meet. He's very rigid and at the age of 43, has not had a LTR...maybe soften up the expectations a little? Don't compromise too much, but there are some fantastic people out there who have scratches and dents and things that don't fit the perfect check-box picture. I am not a fan of facial hair...the dating pool decreases significantly if I'm rigid on only dating clean-shaven men. They may have interests or hobbies that are not my own, and if they're okay doing that without me a majority of the time, cool beans. I don't expect him to join me at the pottery painting place...I'll skip the baseball game, thank you. I guess it's about some middle ground somewhere. No one is going to fit the perfect picture...ever.

[figureitout23]

I agree. This is a support forum and I have seen any number of posts stating, "Write to ENA before you go writing or contacting that ex/crazyperson/scum/jerk..." but when someone uses this forum to vent and gain insight, there is a tendancy to judge harshly..."all you do is come here and complain." I agree, you have to see someone making some positive moves, but I think sometimes we fail to see that and fail to support.

 

I can relate to this guy...I think most of us can. It's hard and it hurts. I do think the OP can stand to be a bit more flexible in the types of women he would like to meet. He's very rigid and at the age of 43, has not had a LTR...maybe soften up the expectations a little? Don't compromise too much, but there are some fantastic people out there who have scratches and dents and things that don't fit the perfect check-box picture. I am not a fan of facial hair...the dating pool decreases significantly if I'm rigid on only dating clean-shaven men. They may have interests or hobbies that are not my own, and if they're okay doing that without me a majority of the time, cool beans. I don't expect him to join me at the pottery painting place...I'll skip the baseball game, thank you. I guess it's about some middle ground somewhere. No one is going to fit the perfect picture...ever.

 

This is excellent advice.

 

I can only speak for myself of course to say my advice was pretty much what you said, lower expectations a bit, let go a bit, accept people who maybe arent a perfect match but are close enough.

 

Weve all been where the OPer is it happens.

 

Many facts that he wants to sweep under the rug, there were other available women, they werent good enough, he wanted this one, the one he never actually met, he states he is becoming prejudiced and resentful towards women.

 

I can accept people feeling its mean to tell him to knock it off, what I'm not understanding is this insistence that telling him what he wants to hear, which is shes mean, would do anything to help his actual issue, which is an ever eroding view of women...

 

As I stated before, if I was acting like the world was crumbling because someone I hadnt met yet rejected me, I would hope someone would tell me, snap out of it, youre better than this, you deserve happiness and this is not the road to take if you want that. You are fully capable of dating in a happy and healthy way, but you gotta knock it off, you need to tell your ego to stand down, you need to be realistic with dating and you cant get this attached. If that man comes back, its up to you if you want to date him, life is an adventure, and until you let go of these ideals youre locked in a self made prison.

 

I would hope someone would tell me that so Im telling him. If someone simply told me, "that persons sucks, Im sorry that happened to you, hes a real jerk, never accept that monster back!" Id feel good for maybe an hour or two but then Id be right back to square one. That wouldnt help me personally, so I advise accordingly.

 

Hes venting but hes also indirectly saying he needs help. Blue got him to open up quite a bit and I know Im seen as a big bad wolf but I feel I did too. Sometimes people are just venting, Ive got venting posts myself, but sometimes theres so much more just right beneath the surface.

 

If you think the core issue was this woman I have some land to sell you, even the poster states the contrary, multiple times infact... this is a 9 page post afterall...

[purplepaisley]

We are mostly on the same page FIO.

 

I cringe every time I see the fast and nuclear "block and delete" posts...I can't imagine how bad I'd feel if I was simply conversing with someone and...block.

 

At this time, the woman declined anything further with the OP. If the OP continued to text this woman despite her telling him it's over, a block would be appropriate on her part. For him to block her? I guess if he decides he never, ever wants to deal with her and the potential new owner of that phone number ever again, ever, ever, ever...block away.

 

Goodness gracious, if she contacts him two weeks from now or two months from now, the OP can decide if he wants to give it a try or not. If he's so wounded and dejected, kindly decline. My gawd, why does everything have to be so "extreme"?

 

Some issues have come out from under the surface...hoping this can work out.

[figureitout23]

Ah paisley completely agree as per usual

[SilverFactory]

I did not contact her after I sent her the "Thanks for being honest. I wish you all the best!" message. I am not planning to block her.. Last year a woman that I met for 2 dates blocked me without informing me. So I know what it feels like to be blocked.

[figureitout23]

Good!

 

What other steps are you taking to move past this?

[SilverFactory]

I don't know.. I honestly don't know... to start with I am thinking of cancelling my subscription to the dating apps and stay away from all this for a while.. I'm also getting thoughts of just giving up on dating and finding someone but yet that's not what I want.. I want to find someone but I just feel drained.. how can similar type of things keep happening over and over again? for like 15 years? some of my friends said that they have never met someone with so much bad luck.. I'm starting to believe them now.. sigh

[Capricorn3]

I don't know.. I honestly don't know... to start with I am thinking of cancelling my subscription to the dating apps and stay away from all this for a while..

Sounds like a really really good idea.

[SilverFactory]

I completely missed this:

 

Again, not her fault OP went off the deep end about it.

 

Had she known that prior, perhaps her choice to begin chatting with him at all would have been different.

 

if she had perhaps her choice to begin chatting with him would have been different.

 

Mine would have, if it had been me.

 

What does that mean? She made a mistake by choosing to chat with me?

[katrina1980]

 

What does that mean? She made a mistake by choosing to chat with me?

 

That comment probably didn't come out right but to quote you in an earlier post:

 

The thing that upsets me with this girl is that if she was already so into the other guy why start things with other people? . He was already in her life when she started messaging me. Yes, she has the right to go on dates with many guys. But if she had already decided about one guy why continue to message others? A day before she informed me of her decision she also removed her profile from the site.

 

My guess is, although she had been chatting with him, she had not made up her mind yet, and was leaving her options open until she did. Which is smart imo. He could have rejected her too after all.

 

Then she met him in person and decided she just wanted to pursue that. Hence why she chose to not meet you.

 

Anyway, for me, I don't like hurting people, and with OLD there is always a big risk that one of us is going to either change our minds, or meet someone else or just not click, so if I knew beforehand that changing my mind was going to hurt or negatively impact a man the way it has you, yeah I'd probably take a pass.

 

I mean no offense when I say this this and again just repeating what you yourself said, that you wish she had not started up with you in the first place.

 

Dating, especially on line, requires a really thick skin and one has to be willing to take the risk of being rejected. Otherwise it will eat them up.

 

All that said, I apologize if my posts came off harsh, never my intention and I am fully on board with figureitout and purplepaisley's posts.

 

Even Sherry as yes sometimes we are not always as sympathetic and supportive as we could be but nevertheless, our goal is always to help. At least mine is.

 

I was raised by a mom who gave me so much tough love, there were times I felt unsupported and unloved but now as an adult, I so appreciate that she did!

 

I would not have become the strong, resilient woman I am today without having had that!!

 

Anyway nuff said from me, I am sorry you are struggling and I wish you nothing but the best moving forward!

[SherrySher]

Wow....

 

Ok sherry let’s follow your method “she’s a bad bad woman...”

 

FIO, I wasn't meaning it in a harsh way. I just meant that we have two different views on this matter. I'm not saying I'm right or you're right.

 

My focus was and still is on the fact that she met some guy and liked him...so why continue writing to other men? Seems selfish and self centered to me.

 

But either way, online dating is a minefield. I don't envy anyone who is trying to go through it.

[figureitout23]

FIO, I wasn't meaning it in a harsh way. I just meant that we have two different views on this matter. I'm not saying I'm right or you're right.

 

My focus was and still is on the fact that she met some guy and liked him...so why continue writing to other men? Seems selfish and self centered to me.

 

But either way, online dating is a minefield. I don't envy anyone who is trying to go through it.

 

I hear you Sherry, sorry if I came off rough.

 

I see your point of view. My focus has been on him though.

 

Shes going to be who she is and unfortunately in today's dating world 'careless' is the norm. I wish it wasnt and I myself have disagreed greatly with many about what level of careless is ok so I think we think the same in that respect.

 

I just cant help but notice the OPer and his words...

 

To me, hes trying very hard to be self deprecating

 

I completely missed this:

 

 

What does that mean? She made a mistake by choosing to chat with me?

 

 

He goes back into posts and hunts down anything that could be construed as a negative towards him, hes done it multiple times. He keeps stating "this has happened to me for 15 years! Ive never dated", again very self deprecating, but like I pointed out to him, multiple times now, his words don't match his actions. He had 2 ladies he turned down, one who he said there was no spark, the other because she had children, now does that sound like a desperate man to you? Cause it doesn't to me, that to me sounds like a guy who feels entitled to a certain type of woman, possibly typically unobtainable to him. I thought that even before he himself stated he has misogynistic ideals and is becoming jaded by women.

 

I agree about how dating can just knock you out emotionally, but this man isnt as helpless and hopeless and hes trying to appear. Every time Ive pointed that out hes gotten hyper defensive " Well would YOU accept that" " Well would YOU date someone you felt not spark with" and the truth is, if I was so distraught over never having dated and never having any matches, youre darn right Id go out with both these women! Thats why none of this makes sense the way hes trying to paint it.

 

Silver is EXACTLY like those posters who keep coming here to complain about online dating. "Well theres no point because women have so many options", "well theres no point in trying because beautiful women will always choose someone else over me", hes actually said that, Im too lazy to quote him, but it was there, he just waited to let it out. This man is in a cycle of self fulfilling prophesy just like all those 'nice guy' posters, refusing to actually get out there so they set their sites on the unobtainable so they create their own prison. To me, it wasnt as clear as those other posters who went straight into their self deprecating woman hating rants, because he actually did attempt to date, but all the other signs are there, explaining his extreme reaction, explaining the subsequent self deprecation, explaining the refusal to date other available women even though he states he just wants to date.