What should I respond?

[Capricorn3]

Let's say you are me. She is reaching out after 3 months. What would you do?

I wouldn't respond at all. She was downright rude, disrespectful and treated you like garbage (imo). I wouldn't have even responded the first time. I would have blocked. Lose her name, lose her number. Block. At this point it's all about self-respect (again, imo).

[SilverFactory]

I wouldn't respond at all. She was downright rude, disrespectful and treated you like garbage (imo). I wouldn't have even responded the first time. I would have blocked. Lose her name, lose her number. Block. At this point it's all about self-respect (again, imo).

 

Can you let me know why you say this?

 

She was downright rude, disrespectful and treated you like garbage

 

I am inexperienced dater and get confused in these type of situations.. some feel she has been very honest and some feel she was not. Some also say this is how dating is where people are free to meet lot of people and decide one some one and drop the rest.. and I am not supposed to feel bad.

 

I did feel very angry and hurt yesterday and that's why I started this thread.. in the end I just thanked her for being honest and wished her well.

[Starlight925]

I think you sent the perfect response.

 

This happens all the time: someone is online, they meet someone they like, but they do not become exclusive, so they chat with others (you, in this case). They then go on another date or two with the first person and decide on exclusivity. She could have ghosted you. She did not. She chose to be honest and let you know that, simply due to timing, she met someone else, and she likes him, and she'd like to see where it goes.

 

The only "dating crime" she made was in asking you to reply if she decides he doesn't work out, so she can ping you later. The ego on her. Like you're just going to be sitting around, staring at your phone.

 

OK, so let's say, 3 months from now, you are still single, and she pings you. Do not....I repeat do not.....ping her back. You are her 2nd choice now, and if she pings you later, you are only being pinged by default as being her only choice, and she will leave you as soon as she finds someone she likes better. Ask me how I know this.

[Capricorn3]

.some feel she has been very honest and some feel she was not..

Sure, she was honest.... BUT she could have been honest with you from the get-go. But no, she agreed to meet up with you TWICE, and then suddenly changed her mind and decided to go after the other guy. THAT to me is downright rude, disrespectful and just major bad manners. Just shows her real character and you dodged a bullet (imo).

 

NEXT!

[SilverFactory]

I think you sent the perfect response.

 

This happens all the time: someone is online, they meet someone they like, but they do not become exclusive, so they chat with others (you, in this case). They then go on another date or two with the first person and decide on exclusivity. She could have ghosted you. She did not. She chose to be honest and let you know that, simply due to timing, she met someone else, and she likes him, and she'd like to see where it goes.

 

The only "dating crime" she made was in asking you to reply if she decides he doesn't work out, so she can ping you later. The ego on her. Like you're just going to be sitting around, staring at your phone.

 

OK, so let's say, 3 months from now, you are still single, and she pings you. Do not....I repeat do not.....ping her back. You are her 2nd choice now, and if she pings you later, you are only being pinged by default as being her only choice, and she will leave you as soon as she finds someone she likes better. Ask me how I know this.

 

How do you know this? lol

 

See this is the dilemma I have.. on one hand I feel disrespected and rejected but on the other hand I am thinking I became her 2nd choice only due to bad timing and she has been honest.. we didn't even meet once. but this is how dating is... so what would I do 3 to 6 months from now if she does reach out... but still somehow I also feel rejected now.

 

I have actually seen this woman on the app couple of years ago and was surprised to see her again in it now. Obviously her previous relationship tanked for some reason.

[Starlight925]

How do you know this? lol

 

See this is the dilemma I have.. on one hand I feel disrespected and rejected but on the other hand I am thinking I became her 2nd choice only due to bad timing and she has been honest.. we didn't even meet once. but this is how dating is... so what would I do 3 to 6 months from now if she does reach out... but still somehow I also feel rejected now.

 

I have actually seen this woman on the app couple of years ago and was surprised to see her again in it now. Obviously her previous relationship tanked for some reason.

 

LOL how I know this is....it's happened to me, and it's been me. Dating is just that....dating....until you find one person you really really like. This woman met someone prior to her meeting you, and she liked him, and they progressed but hadn't yet gotten to exclusivity. They probably then had "the" date....you know the one....when you both decide to become exclusive....so she cancelled her meeting with you.

 

She actually did the right thing. She didn't put her dating life on hold for him, because he hadn't yet become exclusive with her. She stayed on the site, chatting with others. But when she and he became exclusive, she cancelled, thus doing the right thing by their new relationship.

 

Other than her trying to put you on a back burner "in case" things don't work out (her way of hedging her bets)....she did nothing wrong. She was meeting people on the apps just like you were, and just like, probably, the other guy. Those two decided to make things exclusive.

 

It's frustrating for you, because you felt the beginnings of a connection. I get it, I've been there so many times. There are just so many apps, and so many people, dating so many other people, that it sometimes amazes me that any two people can meet and eschew all the others and get off the sites.

 

The reason you saw her again on the site is because of exactly why she asked you to become her placeholder in case this doesn't work out....because the last one didn't work out. She's probably been around the block a time or two on these sites, and she's hedging her bets. That part is unfair to you. But the rest is just what it is in the dating world.

 

I once had the best first meet I've ever had. I was on Cloud 9. He went on a business trip for 2 weeks, but he called when he returned, as he said he would, and he couldn't wait to see me, so we scheduled a date for that week. I was ecstatic!!! He texted me the next night, telling me he'd become exclusive with someone else. I was like.....whaaaaat??? Like you, I thanked him for his honesty, for not just ghosting me, and I carried on. One year later (!!!) he messaged me, back on the site, as they broke up. We had a couple of amazing dates! But guess what....he texted me before another date, that he & she got engaged! They ended up breaking up, because months later, he was back on the site....again. This time, I did not take the bait, and he is now engaged again....to someone else!

 

I get your frustration, and how you hardly have any engagement until now, and it's one you were really excited for. I hear you, and I'm sorry.

[figureitout23]

I’m on the, she was honest bandwagon.

 

Everyone’s being super nice to you so i feel kinda bad about what I’m about to say but dude if you can’t handle rejection from a woman you haven’t even MET yet, you should take a step back.

 

Before you meet is when people are the most savage and careless. Asking for nudes, planning dates and dropping off mid conversation, cancelling dates the day of, not showing up, showing up and leaving. Some of these happened to me, some happened to other posters who wrote on this board. Online dating is NOT for the weak at heart. Especially before you meet. Not everyone operates like you’re a number, but unfortunately enough do that you cannot have a fragile ego.

 

FWIW, while I agree not everyone bounces back as easily as blue, expieriences vary greatly depending on looks, income, social status etc. it’s not that easy. I get it, but I also would not take personally what someone I haven’t met yet does, especially when they’re honest. It’s not that horrific to be the second choice of someone I haven’t met.. I mean her first choice is someone she has met, right? sometimes the other option is better, again this is where ego comes in. Could my ego take a man who I’ve been dating making me second choice, nah, doubt it. But YOU HAVENT MET YET!!!

[Starlight925]

I’m on the, she was honest bandwagon.

 

Everyone’s being super nice to you so i feel kinda bad about what I’m about to say but dude if you can’t handle rejection from a woman you haven’t even MET yet, you should take a step back.

 

Before you meet is when people are the most savage and careless. Asking for nudes, planning dates and dropping off mid conversation, cancelling dates the day of, not showing up, showing up and leaving. Some of these happened to me, some happened to other posters who wrote on this board. Online dating is NOT for the weak at heart. Especially before you meet. Not everyone operates like you’re a number, but unfortunately enough do that you cannot have a fragile ego.

 

FWIW, while I agree not everyone bounces back as easily as blue, expieriences vary greatly depending on looks, income, social status etc. it’s not that easy. I get it, but I also would not take personally what someone I haven’t met yet does, especially when they’re honest. It’s not that horrific to be the second choice of someone I haven’t met.. I mean her first choice is someone she has met, right? sometimes the other option is better, again this is where ego comes in. Could my ego take a man who I’ve been dating making me second choice, nah, doubt it. But YOU HAVENT MET YET!!!

 

Completely agree here. You haven't met yet.

 

So for future reference, let's take out our Online Dating Handbook and learn Lesson 1:

 

Before you physically meet someone, in person, sitting across from them: Envision them as simply words on a screen. Imagine they are a bot, an Alexa or Echo, parroting back words that they are "taught" to tell you. Alexa has no feelings; she does not care if you ask her to play rap or country. "She" is simply a device. Imagine these women you are chatting with as Alexa's, until you literally, physically, can look them in the eye.

 

In other words, do not become attached to anyone (except us here of course; we are way more than just words on a screen, lol!!)

[purplepaisley]

I'm sorry about the whole situation. I've been there, and it hurts. Why not at least meet me? But that is also a little unfair if she has eyes on that other person and wants to prioritize or pursue them, but meet with you anyway to fulfill an obligation. Multi-dating can get complicated, and eventually a choice has to be made. Some people can only date one at a time. For all we know, this other guy was maybe giving her a little bit of a runaround due to his schedule, possibly dating other women, and when she cancelled on you, it's because he surfaced, and she wanted to go out with him as a priority, so she came up with an excuse. Between that day and the following week, things shifted. She decided to put her all into this. See where it goes. This does not decrease your value at all. It's just timing. She met this other guy first, and he tripped her trigger.

 

Whether to go out with her if things don't work out? I don't see any reason why not unless this knowledge of her choosing another man, feeling second best, some resentment clouds the ability to pursue something with her. Jealousy, feeling cheated on, feeling second best, can be problematic.

 

I get what the others are saying. Second best? Move on. The thing is, you never even met yet. It's not like you were dating for a few weeks and she decided to pull the plug for some other dude. Some relationships work and some do not. As stated previously, this is what dating is about; trying people out. If she circles back around, you can decide what to do then. I think your response was good; not necessarily closing the door. I think the whole block and delete is a bit nuclear over a missed opportunity and a few texts.

 

Again, though, I feel for you. It hurts. Keep on trying...someone is out there for you.

[boltnrun]

I have to ask, are you disappointed because you truly felt some kind of connection with this woman or because she was the only one who responded to you?

[SilverFactory]

I have to ask, are you disappointed because you truly felt some kind of connection with this woman or because she was the only one who responded to you?

 

I truly felt a connection with her. It is true that I am getting a match after 4 months but that was not the reason I was so excited about her. I found her attractive, our message exchanges were very good, she came across as a very cool person, surprisingly we found that we both speak the same language (we are Indians and there is a ton of languages in India), we both work in the tech industry....

 

I got 2 matches in another dating app but I was not excited about those women at all and let it go as I was dreaming about the upcoming date with this woman.

 

Now I don't have anything.

[boltnrun]

I truly felt a connection with her. It is true that I am getting a match after 4 months but that was not the reason I was so excited about her. I found her attractive, our message exchanges were very good, she came across as a very cool person, surprisingly we found that we both speak the same language (we are Indians and there is a ton of languages in India), we both work in the tech industry....

 

I got 2 matches in another dating app but I was not excited about those women at all and let it go as I was dreaming about the upcoming date with this woman.

 

Now I don't have anything.

 

OK, I asked because you wrote this:

"I got a response from this 1 woman after a 4 month period of nothing. She was the only choice I had. "

 

This makes is sound like you wanted her because she was the only one who responded to you.

[SilverFactory]

OK, I asked because you wrote this:

"I got a response from this 1 woman after a 4 month period of nothing. She was the only choice I had. "

 

This makes is sound like you wanted her because she was the only one who responded to you.

 

Yes, I got this match after around 4 months. While I was exchanging messages with her I got 2 matches in another dating app and I let it go because I was so focused on this woman.

[boltnrun]

Yes, I got this match after around 4 months. While I was exchanging messages with her I got 2 matches in another dating app and I let it go because I was so focused on this woman.

 

I think you've learned that you should at least go ahead and reply to messages. Don't pin all your hopes on one woman you've never met. As others have written, the chances you will meet your proper match in the first woman is very low.

[SilverFactory]

I think you've learned that you should at least go ahead and reply to messages. Don't pin all your hopes on one woman you've never met. As others have written, the chances you will meet your proper match in the first woman is very low.

 

nah.. I was not excited about the other 2 women. Even if this woman was not in the picture I don't think I would have responded to the other 2

[purplepaisley]

nah.. I was not excited about the other 2 women. Even if this woman was not in the picture I don't think I would have responded to the other 2

 

Why not? Meeting in person could have changed everything. If these women contacted you, there was something about you they thought would mesh and compatibility...why not take a chance and see?

[boltnrun]

But the one you WERE excited about ended up being a dud.

 

Relying on electronic communication to determine potential compatibility is self-sabotage imo. I mean, if they send weird messages or sound unhinged, of course not, but just a normal hello type message? Why not pursue further?

[SilverFactory]

I didn't because one woman had mentioned she has a kid. I am ok with dating a divorced woman but not someone with a kid.

 

The other woman, I just couldn't feel anything for her and I could easily tell she's not my type. So I didn't want to waste her time or mine. Why exchange messages, plan for a date, cancel, plan again and then tell I am not interested? 😉

[Wiseman2]

Yeah, it's a lot of hit-and-miss...that's what makes it frustrating. It's like you have to be in robot mode and open to things simultaneously in order not to get burned out or jaded. Do you have a specific strategy? For example, browse, decide who to message, see who responds, exchange a couple texts, set up a low key coffee/drink meet, decide if you want a second date, proceed from there? This pretty much leaves you with only two decisions...who to message and who to ask out again. The rest is out of your hands and it rules itself out.

[figureitout23]

I didn't because one woman had mentioned she has a kid. I am ok with dating a divorced woman but not someone with a kid.

 

The other woman, I just couldn't feel anything for her and I could easily tell she's not my type. So I didn't want to waste her time or mine. Why exchange messages, plan for a date, cancel, plan again and then tell I am not interested? 😉

 

So when you do it its ok, (deciding someone is not for you) when someone else does it it’s a betrayal?

 

Dude tell your ego to stand down.

[SilverFactory]

So when you do it its ok, (deciding someone is not for you) when someone else does it it’s a betrayal?

 

Dude tell your ego to stand down.

 

heh.. what do you mean?

 

I have mentioned that I did not choose to engage with those two women because right from the start I knew we will not be a match.

 

I did not message them, exchange phone numbers, plan for a date, cancel, again plan for a date, and then tell I am not interested, then tell I might contact them in the future if the current person I am going out with does not work out.

 

Where have I mentioned this woman betrayed me? and where have I mentioned that it is not ok for some one to decide they are not for them?

[figureitout23]

heh.. what do you mean?

 

I have mentioned that I did not choose to engage with those two women because right from the start I knew we will not be a match.

 

I did not message them, exchange phone numbers, plan for a date, cancel, again plan for a date, and then tell I am not interested, then tell I might contact them in the future if the current person I am going out with does not work out.

 

Where have I mentioned this woman betrayed me? and where have I mentioned that it is not ok for some one to decide they are not for them?

 

Please see below:

 

I told her "Thanks for being honest. I wish you all the best!"

 

I have to say I feel very frustrated.. I get responses very very rarely in online dating.. and when that happened and I managed to get her number and a first date she bails out!

 

I don't understand why she even started things with me only to end things without even meeting me once.

 

On another note I am also wondering if dating even makes sense... There is always, always, always going to be some guy better than me and the woman is going to choose him over me. So, I don't understand what is the point in trying? In online dating women get plenty of messages and have choices and men hardly ever get a response. I got a response from this 1 woman after a 4 month period of nothing. She was the only choice I had. So women, in online or real life, are always going to drop the guy when they meet some one better... and there is always going to be some one better. So what is the whole point of this?

 

You're acting like a wounded bird and you arent looking outside of yourself and your ego. YOU DIDNT MEET YET. Not only that, she wasnt your only option. She owed you nothing. Just like you owed these other women nothing.

 

SHE decided she had better options, just like you did, if its ok for you to do it, its ok for her to do it.

 

This is dating.

 

We do whats best for us. You bet on the wrong horse.

 

She didnt hurt you, just like you didnt hurt the other women, she was honest, just like you were honest.

 

Your ego is throwing a fit, thats it thats all, tell it to stand down.

[SilverFactory]

Please see below:

 

 

 

 

 

Youre acting like a wounded bird and you arent looking outside of yourself and your ego. YOU DIDNT MEET YET. She owed you nothing. Just like you owed these other women nothing.

 

SHE decided she had better options, just like you did, if its ok for you to do it, its ok for her to do it.

 

This is dating.

 

We do whats best for us.

 

She didnt hurt you, just like you didnt hurt the other women, she was honest, just like you were honest.

 

Your ego is throwing a fit, thats it thats all, tell it to stand down.

 

Ok I get your point. But are you saying that not engaging with some one from the beginning is the same as exchanging messages, phone numbers, agreeing for a date, cancelling it, rescheduling the date, cancelling it again, and then telling they might contact you in the future if the person they are going out does not work out? Even you have mentioned this:

 

Could my ego take a man who I’ve been dating making me second choice, nah, doubt it.

 

Why wouldn't your ego take it? Like you are telling me he decided he had better options so why would that hurt your ego?

[figureitout23]

Ok I get your point. But are you saying that not engaging with some one from the beginning is the same as exchanging messages, phone numbers, agreeing for a date, cancelling it, rescheduling the date, cancelling it again, and then telling they might contact you in the future if the person they are going out does not work out? Even you have mentioned this:

Originally Posted by figureitout23

Could my ego take a man who I’ve been dating making me second choice, nah, doubt it.

Why wouldn't your ego take it? Like you are telling me he decided he had better options so why would that hurt your ego?

 

Keyword: "who I've been dating"

 

There is a stark difference between dating someone and going on dates, and planning on meeting someone.

 

As many have said, you got too attached to the idea of this woman.

 

You have to tone it down.

 

Does it suck to have a date cancel, yes, should it cause you to act like this:

 

There is always, always, always going to be some guy better than me and the woman is going to choose him over me. So, I don't understand what is the point in trying? In online dating women get plenty of messages and have choices and men hardly ever get a response. I got a response from this 1 woman after a 4 month period of nothing. She was the only choice I had. So women, in online or real life, are always going to drop the guy when they meet some one better... and there is always going to be some one better. So what is the whole point of this?

 

When you are also acting like this:

 

I didn't because one woman had mentioned she has a kid. I am ok with dating a divorced woman but not someone with a kid.

 

The other woman, I just couldn't feel anything for her and I could easily tell she's not my type. So I didn't want to waste her time or mine. Why exchange messages, plan for a date, cancel, plan again and then tell I am not interested?

 

No absolutely not, you aren't seeing outside of yourself, which it happens, Im guilty of it myself, but try to limit this line of thinking, dont let it hinder you. Because its like black mold, it will spread and it will slowly kill your spirit. Develop strategies, don't get attached to ideas, be open to meeting women, kids or not, because at your age most of us have baggage, including you Mr. Shake this off, tweak some things and get back out there.

[SilverFactory]

Keyword: "who I've been dating"

 

There is a stark difference between dating someone and going on dates, and planning on meeting someone.

 

As many have said, you got too attached to the idea of this woman.

 

You have to tone it down.

 

Does it suck to have a date cancel, yes, should it cause you to act like this:

 

 

 

When you are also acting like this:

 

 

 

No absolutely not, you aren't seeing outside of yourself, which it happens, Im guilty of it myself, but try to limit this line of thinking, dont let it hinder you. Because its like black mold, it will spread and it will slowly kill your spirit. Develop strategies, don't get attached to ideas, be open to meeting women, kids or not, because at your age most of us have baggage, including you Mr. Shake this off, tweak some things and get back out there.

 

Thanks.

 

The reason for my frustration is mentioned in my response to blue:

 

Thanks.

 

Your life is obviously very different than mine. I am guessing you are probably young, have dated in the past, had girlfriends, enjoyed sex.. I am 43 years old and have had none of that.

 

That is why I get all excited when a woman even as much agrees to meet me for coffee and gives her phone number... and then get very upset when it doesn't pan out. It has been similar crap happening my entire life..

 

Also, I have to ask you this - if you were me and this person reaches out after a while because it didn't work out with that other person, would you agree to meet? if yes, why? why would you agree to meet a person that rejected you in favor of some other person?

 

I will never expect the 2 woman I didn't contact to give me a chance..