What should I respond?

[figureitout23]

Thanks.

 

The reason for my frustration is mentioned in my response to blue:

 

Originally Posted by SilverFactory

Thanks.

 

Your life is obviously very different than mine. I am guessing you are probably young, have dated in the past, had girlfriends, enjoyed sex.. I am 43 years old and have had none of that.

 

That is why I get all excited when a woman even as much agrees to meet me for coffee and gives her phone number... and then get very upset when it doesn't pan out. It has been similar crap happening my entire life..

 

I hear you. But its was an extreme reaction that simply wasn't based on reality. What you actually meant was: " I found a woman who meets my high standards, and then get very upset when it doesn't pan out. It has been similar crap happening my entire life.."

 

Youre only a victim to your own self imposed limitations.

 

You'd most likely have much more luck if you lowered your standards a bit, you dont have to, in fact, I wouldnt, but then again, Im ok with being single, I have no ticking clock, if your main goal is to meet someone to spend your life with and youre unsuccessful, tweak somethings because whether you want to own it or not, you are in communication with women. You just dont want them.

 

 

 

Also, I have to ask you this - if you were me and this person reaches out after a while because it didn't work out with that other person, would you agree to meet? if yes, why? why would you agree to meet a person that rejected you in favor of some other person?

 

I will never expect the 2 woman I didn't contact to give me a chance..

 

I already answered this.

 

If I was DATING someone, no I wouldnt be ok with it.

 

If it was someone who did not even meet me yet? If I was single when they came back around sure, would I wait for them? No but if the stars aligned why not? That person owes me nothing, we havent even met yet, your expectation are too high, simply because YOU decided this was it! But you didnt take into account there was nothing concrete to back up your feelings, it was just that- a feeling, one I think, you should try to get in control of.

[bluecastle]

Just going to chime in with some more thoughts since this little thread is still sizzling.

 

No one rejected you in this scenario—and if you can come to see that, and accept that, I think you'll have a better time out there in the world of dating. Ditto everyone who hopped on the "block, delete, maltreatment" train here.

 

What happened is that a woman you don't know and had literally zero connection with decided that going on a date with you wasn't the best idea because someone else she's exploring—someone she has already met, connected with a bit, away from screens—showed a flash of promise.

 

She canceled out of respect to the limits of her own emotional bandwidth, her own dating style, whatever. Her choice was about her, and her life, not about you and yours, not even about the other dude. She was crystal clear on this front—refreshingly so, in my book, annoyingly in yours and some other posters. Still, that's all this was.

 

Which brings us, I think, to what FiO is talking about with ego.

 

Your ego made her life and life choices a verdict on you, and then, as the wheels of injustice spun, which is to say as the ego continued to inflame itself, a verdict on modern dating and gender dynamics in general. You felt "rejected" by women before you matched and texted with her, "accepted" by women due to the match/texting, then doubly "rejected" when she threw you the sort of soft curveball people toss around left and right in the world of dating.

 

Why? Well, because you're pretty thirsty, generally speaking, and you'd too-quickly created a story in your head that she was a thirst quencher. You were, to some degree, already dating and connecting with her in your mind, which is why there is now an illusion of having been "rejected" for someone else. Which is why you're now wondering if you could find it in yourself to give her "another" chance, should the opportunity come.

 

If you can tone down that thirst a bit, and learn to wave at your ego instead of letting your ego get the best of you, this all gets processed differently. It's a shrug, not a thread. It's life—specifically, it's her life not quite lining up with yours, at this second.

 

On that front, I'd use this whole scenario as a reminder that it might not be worth putting so much stock in pixels one way or another. Like, the women you decided weren't match, based on pixels? Next time I'd engage with them too, because why not? Maybe your initial instinct was right, and you'd confirm that halfway through a glass of chardonnay. But maybe your instinct was wrong—as it was wrong with this fabled woman—and you're ordering a second glass of chardonnay and having a surprisingly awesome night with a woman who didn't really get you buzzing when she was only pixels. Or, hey, you at least have someone to banter with in pixels the moment this woman pressed pause on meeting up, which would soften the blow.

 

Just food for thought. You're operating from what's called a scarcity mindset, when there is more abundance than you know. Just have to put on a new pair of lenses.

[SilverFactory]

you're pretty thirsty, generally speaking, and you'd too-quickly created a story in your head that she was a thirst quencher. You were, to some degree, already dating and connecting with her in your mind, which is why there is now an illusion of having been "rejected" for someone else.

 

Yes, I agree that I am 'thirsty' in your terms or 'desperate' in my terms. And my desperation is only increasing, not decreasing, as I am getting older and older. I am also a person that has never had a girlfriend. I am not sure how I can become less desperate, less thirsty.

 

I also have to be honest and say I am slowly turning into a misogynist. Some of you may have already seen that through my posts. I am resenting women because it is so easy for them, they have so many choices, if X does not work drop him because Y, Z, A, B, C, etc are waiting in line. It's really so easy for them.

 

Would this woman have dropped me so easily if she did not have the other guy? She will always have choices..

[bluecastle]

Well, don't really know what to say to all that.

 

You seem to be aware of some seriously problematic issues when it comes to appealing to women: an escalating desperation and—cringe emoji—an escalating hatred of the gender you're desperate to connect with. I was never great at math, but I think one + one = slim chance for success.

 

I get that having never had a girlfriend is tough. And if what you mean by that is literally zero experience with dating, with sex—yeah, that's extra tough.

 

Still, a serious attitude adjustment is in order. Because life? It's pretty dang tough for everyone living it.

 

One need only to spend about a day on a forum like this—or a few minutes listening to women of all ages, sizes, and stripes—to see that it's hardly a cakewalk for women out there. Sure, they get right swiped plenty, probably more than those with our chromosomal make-up—big whoop.

 

A big part of that is connected to other things they have to deal with plenty: catcalls, ogling, unwanted advances, creepy male energy, seasoned players, aspiring players, wishy-washy manboys, anxiety walking alone to the store to buy paper towels, male predators, and, generally speaking, misogyny in forms ranging from frustrating to frightening in a way us dudes will never, ever understand.

 

This woman did not "drop" you. This woman, just like you, is a human being out in the world, living her life, looking to connect, doing her best, stumbling a bit the way humans stumble. She was not created in a test tube to match with you, like you, want you, fulfill your fantasies, and solve your woes, which is how you're treating her without even meeting her. Do you see that? Do you see that that is (a) an ego-driven attitude that (b) negates this woman's humanity?

 

So, again: time to give that attitude a workout. It's not serving you, as you seem to recognize, and a really appealing quality—in men, in women, in people—is those who can work to shed that which is no longer serving them.

[SilverFactory]

Thanks everyone.

 

It's very obvious that I have serious mental and emotional issues.. I also have physical issues.

 

I think an attractive, smart, and cool woman like her deserves some one better instead of a loser dud like me. Perhaps like the guy she went for..

 

the Universe made sure to intervene at the right time and saved her from a low quality guy like me.

 

Low quality people like me should not dream about quality women.. and deserve to just be single.

[Capricorn3]

Thanks everyone.

 

It's very obvious that I have serious mental and emotional issues.. I also have physical issues.

 

I think an attractive, smart, and cool woman like her deserves some one better instead of a loser dud like me. Perhaps like the guy she went for..

 

the Universe made sure to intervene at the right time and saved her from a low quality guy like me.

 

Low quality people like me should not dream about quality women.. and deserve to just be single.

 

OP, "woe is me" is very unbecoming and will not attract many people. That said, have you ever considered counselling for ..."I have serious mental and emotional issues"? If not, why not? I think it would be of great benefit to you.

[SilverFactory]

OP, "woe is me" is very unbecoming and will not attract many people.

 

I was being honest. I really believe I am a low quality person.

[Capricorn3]

I repeat: That said, have you ever considered counselling for ..."I have serious mental and emotional issues"? If not, why not? I think it would be of great benefit to you.

[SilverFactory]

I repeat: That said, have you ever considered counselling for ..."I have serious mental and emotional issues"? If not, why not? I think it would be of great benefit to you.

 

No I haven’t. I don’t know what counselling involves and how to go about it.

 

Even if I took counselling what is going to change? Will women suddenly stop rejecting me?

[SherrySher]

What happened is that a woman you don't know and had literally zero connection with decided that going on a date with you wasn't the best idea because someone else she's exploring

 

I think what is distasteful here, (for lack of better word) is that she had already met this other man. So why on earth go messaging other men and getting their hopes up if she was so into the first man?

Yeah, I know, options and all that bull, but I truly wished people would consider other people's feelings and not just their own.

 

I, too would feel disappointed if not upset over how she handled things, especially if I hadn't found a decent person in ages to potentially date.

 

In my opinion, she was a selfish ass. No two ways about it. She shouldn't be playing with people's emotions like that, even on a small scale.

 

Op, you're not a bad person, you've faced a lot of disappointment and are frustrated with not being able to find love. That's completely understandable.

It can get a person down, it can be depressing, aggravating, draining.

 

If you're feeling the weight of things too much, you could possibly get counselling, at the very least, you'd have someone to talk to and vent all of these feelings out and unload a lot of it.

Holding things inside is never good.

 

Give yourself time to relax, get your mind and heart sorted once again and eventually see who is back out there.

I know at this point it can be tough to remain positive..it's okay to feel down, it's okay to feel frustrated, but don't stay there too long.

Try to change your focus, get out and visit with friends and family, get some fresh air now that Spring is arriving.

 

It's very possible for things to turn around, for the better.

[SilverFactory]

I think what is distasteful here, (for lack of better word) is that she had already met this other man. So why on earth go messaging other men and getting their hopes up if she was so into the first man?

Yeah, I know, options and all that bull, but I truly wished people would consider other people's feelings and not just their own.

 

I, too would feel disappointed if not upset over how she handled things, especially if I hadn't found a decent person in ages to potentially date.

 

In my opinion, she was a selfish ass. No two ways about it. She shouldn't be playing with people's emotions like that, even on a small scale.

 

Op, you're not a bad person, you've faced a lot of disappointment and are frustrated with not being able to find love. That's completely understandable.

It can get a person down, it can be depressing, aggravating, draining.

 

If you're feeling the weight of things too much, you could possibly get counselling, at the very least, you'd have someone to talk to and vent all of these feelings out and unload a lot of it.

Holding things inside is never good.

 

Give yourself time to relax, get your mind and heart sorted once again and eventually see who is back out there.

I know at this point it can be tough to remain positive..it's okay to feel down, it's okay to feel frustrated, but don't stay there too long.

Try to change your focus, get out and visit with friends and family, get some fresh air now that Spring is arriving.

 

It's very possible for things to turn around, for the better.

 

Thank you Sherry.

 

I feel so confused and conflicted... l do feel like I'm a low quality person and do not deserve the good things in life... that feeling gets extremely strong when these type of incidents happen... and they have been happening for around 15 years now.

 

I am 43 and still haven't enjoyed dating, relationship, and sex.

 

I'm thinking of cancelling my membership to these dating apps at least for the time being.

[figureitout23]

I was being honest. I really believe I am a low quality person.

 

I just find that so hard to believe given the verbiage you used to describe the other two potential women. You don’t date women with kids and you don’t date women where you don’t feel a spark.

 

The point I’ve been trying to make for some pages now is you have standards, maybe even standards that are a bit to high and you seem to stick to them until someone pokes at your ego then you get deflated like a balloon.

 

I just don’t see how the same man who states, I could date a divorced woman but not a woman with kids truly believes he’s a low quality guy, you’ve got some pretty healthy expectations let’s not kid ourselves.

 

I’ve seen low expectation men and women on these boards they accept anything... you do not fit that bill even a little. The pity train again is self induced. I really think if you simply tweaked your expectations a bit you could find available women just fine, I don’t know why you think we’re gonna forget you had two perfectly nice women, you threw them both back... and adamantly I might add, that’s not desperate in the traditional sense that, to me, follows the ‘nice guy’ formula and I don’t think it’s a coincidence you fully admit you have issues when it comes to respecting women. Most ‘nice guys’ don’t, most ‘nice guys’ expect women way out of their league to just fall into their laps. They feel entitled to a quality of woman even if they don’t truly reach the same level of quality themselves.

 

I consider myself a decent looking person, I’m not going to get Brad Pitt, it’s just not going to be in the cards for me, don’t get me wrong, I’ll go after Brad Pitt and I’ve dated very attractive men but they were... my level of attractive, I don’t reject anyone who isn’t at Brad Pitt level, I’m realistic. It’s taboo to talk about leagues but they exist and nice guys tend to have a very very very hard time understanding that we women we have standards too

 

Like I tried to point out you had no issue deciding a woman wasn’t for you but the second a woman decided you weren’t for her, a betrayal occurred.

 

The good thing is you seem to be slightly self aware so you can put this train back on its tracks

[Cherylyn]

NO, I would not be ok with this! Are you kidding me? She just finished insulting and offending you which is incredibly rude and disrespectful! Let's get this straight. She wants you to remain on "standby" mode and if this "someone" doesn't work out for her, she has you in her back pocket "just in case." Well, forget that! I'd text, "No thank you" and move onto someone who is decent and doesn't treat people as if they don't matter.

[SherrySher]

Try not to place your worth or value based on dating sites or how others act.

 

You aren't the only one who is having difficulty finding a decent, quality partner off the dating sites. They can be a minefield and make anyone feel lost and depressed.

 

There are so many factors to finding someone decent. It depends on who they are, who you are, how you are together, what compatibilities you have together, what you don't, what your values are as opposed to theirs and so on and so on.

 

Truly, it's a miracle that anyone finds a mate for life now a days.

People can potentially find lots to have flings with or meaningless sex, but it doesn't mean anything and that too will cause a person to feel drained and depressed.

The dating sites can really be hard on a person.

 

Have you considered looking in other places for a date? There is now something called "meet up" which most cities have now a days. It's meeting up with a group of people to do something you all enjoy, it can be anything from hiking to poetry.

Not only will it get you out of the house, but it will give you a chance to connect with people even make new friends. But you will also have the chance to meet someone special.

It's something to consider.

 

Also, not sure if you're religious or not, but if you do go to church at all or have considered going, many have found partners there as well.

 

You can also join groups that center around any hobbies you might have, photo taking, cooking, etc. Again, it will give you something to do and potentially meet someone.

But if you don't meet someone you will at least have a new experience and learn something.

 

Maybe try to widen your options when it comes to where you're looking for a partner, it might just be that you're looking in the wrong place.

[itsallgrand]

It's par for the course in dating to come across stuff like this. Would I take them up on an outing if they pinged me later? No, I wouldn't bother. That's just me. I'd have a little eye roll at that suggestion , as it seems rather presumptuous, and then I'd forget about it.

[bluecastle]

l do feel like I'm a low quality person and do not deserve the good things in life.

 

This is what therapy is for.

 

Think of this attitude like a torn ligament—something that got tweaked once upon a time and now acts up when you engage in physical activity. What do you do in that situation? You go to physical therapy, you learn some stretches, some strengthening techniques—and, lo and behold, you can reengage in physical activity without pain. What once brought agony now brings joy.

 

Mental and emotional tweaks aren't really so different. They're there, deep inside us, and can be exacerbated though certain emotional activity; untreated they can expand to the point where that activity is almost too painful to engage in. In talking it out you untangle where they come from, and in the process they become less mysterious, less potent, less tweaky. You start feeling a little differently about yourself, valuing yourself differently—and, lo and behold, are less thrown by moments like this.

 

While this thread contains different points of view about this woman's behavior, no one is saying it was ideal. Ideal is you match, meet up, get along, are into each other—end scene, roll credits.

 

But it rarely goes that way, and, yeah, what happened just kind of sucks. But to enjoy dating you have to be fine with things kind of sucking, just like to enjoy an actual relationship you have to be fine with being occasionally hurt and disappointed by your partner without being destroyed or in an exhaustive state of high-alert. A good boxer can go 12 rounds not because he dodges every punch, but because he's learned to take jabs on the chin without leaving the ring.

 

It would be peachy, as Sherry said, if people considered other's feelings alongside their own—a statement I agree with, though I actually think that's what this woman was attempting to do, in her own way. It just didn't land as such, because people are complicated, respond differently to different stimuli.

 

At the end of the day we have zero control over how people treat us—zero—be it planning for a first date or after 20 years of marriage. We can control ourselves, and how we process all that, strengthening places where we're weak, doing what we can to be confident that we can handle whatever jabs get thrown at us. The more confident we are, the more open we are: less defensive, less angry, more curious, more free.

 

So, yeah, maybe it's time to take a break from the dating apps and do what you need to do to get back on them in a way that's healthy—where small jabs don't land as uppercuts, and where the attempt to connect with women does not foster self-loathing and a disrespect for women.

[katrina1980]

I agree with considering people's feelings, which is why she provided him an explanation when she changed her mind, which was her prerogative after chatting a bit, versus ghosting which seems to be the norm these days.

 

Again, just chatting on line, had not even met, how was she to have known all the mental and emotional issues OP is dealing with and as such, became way too over-invested and devastated when she changed her mind?

 

A healthier person would not have reacted this way, which is most likely what she had expected would happen with OP too.

 

Not be secretly accused on a message forum of being rude and selfish, for what? Chatting but then changing her mind about wanting to meet? SMH

 

Not even sure I buy this other guy theory, she may have thought that was easier than telling him after chatting a bit more, she was no longer interested in meeting.

 

Again her prerogative. Happens all the time which is why many people prefer chatting a bit before meeting.

 

Suggesting she ping him down the road? More blow softening.

 

Women and men on this forum are constantly being advised when on line dating to chat with lots of people, set up a meet with many if interest is there and choose the one that fits best no matter how long it takes.

 

Which is precisely what she was doing, but then after chatting more, or maybe she did meet a man she fit with, changed her mind.

 

And now she's being deemed rude, selfish, disrespectful, I don't get it..

 

Again, not her fault OP went off the deep end about it.

 

Had she known that prior, perhaps her choice to begin chatting with him at all would have been different.

 

That said, OP I am sorry you're struggling, I encourage you to seek professional help, good luck.

[Afireblue]

I think this thread has gone too far now... what should I respond was the title, he ended up responding to her a few days ago and we are still here debating who the bad guy was... LOL

[katrina1980]

I think this thread has gone too far now... what should I respond was the title, he ended up responding to her a few days ago and we are still here debating who the bad guy was... LOL

 

True but hopefully OP has learned something through everyone's responses that he can take away moving forward.

[SherrySher]

A healthier person would not have reacted this way, which is most likely what she had expected would happen with OP too.

 

Not be secretly accused on a message forum of being rude and selfish, for what? Chatting but then changing her mind about wanting to meet? SMH

 

Come on, Kat, you've got a big heart. If you think about someone who has been on the dating sites for years, had loads of trouble finding a date, then he finds someone he is genuinely excited about and she does this, you can understand why it would sting so much.

 

I, myself can picture it fairly clearly as I can recall the dating sites and how disappointment kept racking up. It really is frustrating and can really bring a person down.

 

Maybe some of us are more sensitive souls, I don't know, but I can totally see where OP was coming from.

[SilverFactory]

Come on, Kat, you've got a big heart. If you think about someone who has been on the dating sites for years, had loads of trouble finding a date, then he finds someone he is genuinely excited about and she does this, you can understand why it would sting so much.

 

I, myself can picture it fairly clearly as I can recall the dating sites and how disappointment kept racking up. It really is frustrating and can really bring a person down.

 

Maybe some of us are more sensitive souls, I don't know, but I can totally see where OP was coming from.

 

Exactly!

 

I have been on that site from 2012. Rarely got responses.. and a couple of dates which went nowhere.. I have also seen this girl on the site, probably around 2 years ago.

 

If she never responded to my 1st message I don't think I would be so hurt and down. It's the whole messaging back and forth, showing interest, accepting the date, giving me her phone number, giving me hopes that finally something good is going to happen.... and then cancel everything which stings.

 

I am more upset about myself than upset with her.. as in, why these type of things keep happening to me over and over again. Like katrina said if I was a healthy person I might have taken this differently but I am a person that has never had a girlfriend and never been in a relationship. I also don't have family here (they live in India) and I am all alone.

[katrina1980]

Come on, Kat, you've got a big heart. If you think about someone who has been on the dating sites for years, had loads of trouble finding a date, then he finds someone he is genuinely excited about and she does this, you can understand why it would sting so much.

 

I, myself can picture it fairly clearly as I can recall the dating sites and how disappointment kept racking up. It really is frustrating and can really bring a person down.

 

Maybe some of us are more sensitive souls, I don't know, but I can totally see where OP was coming from.

 

Of course, I totally understand his disappointment, but understanding it isn't helping him much. It just kinda fosters the same attitude imo.

 

Imo he needs to learn to how to manage that disappointment in healthier ways rather than blaming the woman, for doing something fairly standard on dating apps and well just dating -- changing mind, dropping off.

 

I may one of the most sensitive folks around, towards myself and others, overly so at times especially towards myself, and I've had men suddenly drop off from chatting on line and I felt we had really connected too!

 

I've been ghosted too after a few actual dates wherein we really connected!

 

Yeah I've been hurt, disappointed, confused, but I have learned to manage it to avoid becoming bitter, resentful.

 

It happens, it's no one's fault, no one's the "bad" guy and when I hear OP tell us all this disappointment is turning him into a mysogynist, resentful toward womem then something is seriously wrong, imo.

 

A different perspective attitude and approach is needed.

 

Not to mention, the girl had no idea how OP has been struggling for years and years, never had a gf etc. if she had perhaps her choice to begin chatting with him would have been different.

 

Mine would have, if it had been me.

[katrina1980]

OP, I am just just curious.

 

When you begin chatting with a woman, you chat for a few days, seem to connect, do you feel that obligates her to (1) stop chatting with other men and (2) continue chatting with you even if after a few more chats, she decides you are not the right fit and changed her mind about meeting?

 

What about after you meet? Assumimg you clicked on some level, do you feel that obligates her to continue dating you even if, again, she does not feel you were the right fit ?

 

If yes, may I ask why? Or where you developed this attitude?

[figureitout23]

Come on, Kat, you've got a big heart. If you think about someone who has been on the dating sites for years, had loads of trouble finding a date, then he finds someone he is genuinely excited about and she does this, you can understand why it would sting so much.

 

I, myself can picture it fairly clearly as I can recall the dating sites and how disappointment kept racking up. It really is frustrating and can really bring a person down.

 

Maybe some of us are more sensitive souls, I don't know, but I can totally see where OP was coming from.

 

It’s not about having a big heart sherry it’s about having realistic expectations. With every coddling post he gets he digs in deeper.

 

He said flat out he’s resentful to women has never had a relationship and is 43, you can’t possibly think “ aww you poor things she’s a big bad woman” will help him in any way shape or form...

 

I had a guy who I was chatting with had exchanged phone numbers and planned a date stop responding to me because I corrected his grammar, literally did not say another single word to me! If I came on this site whining about that, I hope you guys would tell me to walk my happy a** off the ledge. It happens. Before you meet as blue said they are pixels on a screen, his expectations were way too high, that’s the only real take away and with each, she’s mean! Response again he goes right back to thinking he has nothing to change, setting him up to a life of hating woman and Cat ownership

 

There is a stark difference with actions of dating someone and NEVER MEETING THEM! Sherry they never even met... you’re following the nice guy bull that a man is entitled to a woman simply for existing. He desperately needs to learn all that if he’s to ever date and the clock is ticking.

[figureitout23]

Exactly!

 

I have been on that site from 2012. Rarely got responses.. and a couple of dates which went nowhere.. I have also seen this girl on the site, probably around 2 years ago.

 

If she never responded to my 1st message I don't think I would be so hurt and down. It's the whole messaging back and forth, showing interest, accepting the date, giving me her phone number, giving me hopes that finally something good is going to happen.... and then cancel everything which stings.

 

I am more upset about myself than upset with her.. as in, why these type of things keep happening to me over and over again. Like katrina said if I was a healthy person I might have taken this differently but I am a person that has never had a girlfriend and never been in a relationship. I also don't have family here (they live in India) and I am all alone.

 

Look at that, almost like clockwork...