Ghosted after 5 months of dating

[Batya33]

The slow fade is a variation of "ghosting".

 

I don't think so in the least. To me ghosting is when you have an established relationship and without explanation the person disappears and won't respond to a phone call/calls/messages. That's happened to me twice over the last few years with friends I thought were close with no explanation or drama or falling out. When there's a slow fade it's just not a shock like that and the recipient of the fading has time to decide what to do/how to proceed.

[DancingFool]

Well...so with the added details I stand by what I said earlier. You two broke up in November. That part was clear. Also, there was no getting back together, just loose contact, fwb type thing until even the chit chat started to fade out and finally just died out. I don't think he ghosted you OP, I think your lingering post break up communication died a natural death.

 

Sounds like you've identified correctly that you keep going after unavailable men and getting way too attached to them and need to continue to work on that. I mean you were doing OK with this guy in terms of identifying that you need to end things with him and actually doing so. The only thing is that when you accepted his post break up contact, it muddied the waters for you. Going forward just be more firm with yourself to cut that off and not get sucked into anything more after you are done with him.

 

This whole wanting to contact him now...what for? Think hard what's actually driving you. No easy bs answers like I miss him. You ended things with him way back then, you KNOW this is wasting your time, so what would contacting him do for you? If you reach out and he ignores you, it will be a huge hit to your ego. If he responds, you will gain what? Getting sucked back into this limbo thing that you've already rejected months ago? Don't do it to yourself, but really sort out why you want to in the first place. Hint - it's how you perceive things and it needs adjusting.

[audrey28]

That’s true. After November should have been a clean break. I got confused by what it was that we had after and I hung on to it.

 

Sometimes I feel like as a single person I’m really good at being happy by myself. But the moment I get into a relationship, my codependent tendencies come out and I latch on to that attention/validation.

 

Years ago, a relationship with an alcoholic was what shed light to my codependency. It was a high-strung dramatic abusive relationship. I did a lot of work then. The next relationship I got into appeared a lot better, until I realized he was emotionally unavailable. It also faded away. I remember seeing an article about “how to tell if the man you’re dating is unavailable”, and I was sure in my mind I will spot those qualities in the list, until I read the list and identified myself. The next one was a lot healthier, but it ended when the chemistry seemed to have disappeared and we started not getting along. I also had difficulty towards the ending. And then this one.

 

It seems that my issue is my difficulty in detaching/saying goodbye and meaning it and following through. It triggers my abandonment issues. More stuff to work on.

[DancingFool]

That’s true. After November should have been a clean break. I got confused by what it was that we had after and I hung on to it.

 

Sometimes I feel like as a single person I’m really good at being happy by myself. But the moment I get into a relationship, my codependent tendencies come out and I latch on to that attention/validation.

 

Years ago, a relationship with an alcoholic was what shed light to my codependency. It was a high-strung dramatic abusive relationship. I did a lot of work then. The next relationship I got into appeared a lot better, until I realized he was emotionally unavailable. It also faded away. I remember seeing an article about “how to tell if the man you’re dating is unavailable”, and I was sure in my mind I will spot those qualities in the list, until I read the list and identified myself. The next one was a lot healthier, but it ended when the chemistry seemed to have disappeared and we started not getting along. I also had difficulty towards the ending. And then this one.

 

It seems that my issue is my difficulty in detaching/saying goodbye and meaning it and following through. It triggers my abandonment issues. More stuff to work on.

 

I think it's amazing that you are recognizing all this and working on yourself. Most people never do and just stumble through life in misery, never fixing themselves.

 

Abandonment is perspective though. You chose to end a relationship that wasn't going to work. There is no abandonment here from either side.

 

As for getting involved with unavailable men, reading the symptoms and seeing yourself in it. That's pretty common. When people choose someone who is not available, it's almost always because deep down they aren't available themselves for various reasons. A fear to be vulnerable and to be fully in the relationship. It's a defensive tactic against pain.....but it doesn't actually work does it? The risk of getting hurt is always present, so given that, your odds are better if you open up to a healthy relationship. Might as well.

[audrey28]

What I meant was that my fear of abandonment drives me to read more into the not-really there relationships. Though not literally abandoned in this case, my fear of abandonment (inability to do a clean break) is prolonging my own misery.

 

I just bought a bunch of kindle books on love addiction/inner child healing etc. I am determined for this relationship not to go to waste. I am going to use it to learn more about myself so I can come out of this emotionally healthier.

[Batya33]

What I meant was that my fear of abandonment drives me to read more into the not-really there relationships. Though not literally abandoned in this case, my fear of abandonment (inability to do a clean break) is prolonging my own misery.

 

I just bought a bunch of kindle books on love addiction/inner child healing etc. I am determined for this relationship not to go to waste. I am going to use it to learn more about myself so I can come out of this emotionally healthier.

 

My suggestion is ditch the self help books and read Jane Eyre -seriously. Also for cheering up check out the podcast By The Book - two women who read a different self help book for each podcast and then report on how it worked or did not work for them.

[audrey28]

Update.

 

Against most advice, I did reach out. I’m lucky bec it did end up giving the closure that I need. The reason he ignored my last message was bec my question (about work) was currently a touchy subject for him, and he felt he needed space to not answer to anyone, especially me.

 

He acknowledged that what we had was a genuine connection. Many things worked for us, but his desire to have a child is a dream he has, and if we were to force this relationship, one of us would have to have a dream die.

 

I feel like I’m ready to truly move on as it’s clear that there is no more next step for us. I also had no more of the ill feelings I had when I was ignored, and I’m now growing in appreciation for the maturity we exercise in seeing that we are incompatible. He asked me whether I’d change my mind about the child, and I feel in my heart I really know what I want. I am ready to let go of the last string of hope, to come into full acceptance that the relationship went as far as it could and would, but it ends right there. In a way, I felt closer to him than ever, because of the intimacy in the honesty, and at the same time, my heart aches a bit that we are truly truly moving on and moving away from each other.

 

P.S. I wonder if we could be friends, or that would complicate things.

[katrina1980]

In a way, I felt closer to him than ever, because of the intimacy in the honesty, and at the same time, my heart aches a bit that we are truly truly moving on and moving away from each other.

 

P.S. I wonder if we could be friends, or that would complicate things.

 

I totally understand this, beautifully stated.

 

It's sad, bittersweet. You both sound like awesome individuals with tons to offer, just not to each other.

 

I applaud him so much for being honest with you, clearly it benefitted you to contact him again and speak with him.

 

I would have too, and have.

 

I know many others say closure comes from within, on our own, and it does eventually.

 

But talking it out together and wishing each other well, makes that process so much easier, less painful and allows you to gain closure much faster.

 

I'm so glad it ended on a positive note, jmo but I don't think friends would be possible in your case.

 

Let it go and treasure the good memories. xx

[figureitout23]

Update.

 

Against most advice, I did reach out. I’m lucky bec it did end up giving the closure that I need. The reason he ignored my last message was bec my question (about work) was currently a touchy subject for him, and he felt he needed space to not answer to anyone, especially me.

 

He acknowledged that what we had was a genuine connection. Many things worked for us, but his desire to have a child is a dream he has, and if we were to force this relationship, one of us would have to have a dream die.

 

I feel like I’m ready to truly move on as it’s clear that there is no more next step for us. I also had no more of the ill feelings I had when I was ignored, and I’m now growing in appreciation for the maturity we exercise in seeing that we are incompatible. He asked me whether I’d change my mind about the child, and I feel in my heart I really know what I want. I am ready to let go of the last string of hope, to come into full acceptance that the relationship went as far as it could and would, but it ends right there. In a way, I felt closer to him than ever, because of the intimacy in the honesty, and at the same time, my heart aches a bit that we are truly truly moving on and moving away from each other.

 

P.S. I wonder if we could be friends, or that would complicate things.

 

Wait so he refused to commit to you back in November but his lack of response suddenly became your fault because you don't want children? Am I understanding that right? Call me a cynic but Im not seeing the romance in any of this... and I was team why the hell are you assuming hes ghosting you? So are you facing any of those potential issues within yourself, or are you just over it now that you talked...I ask that because you want to remain friends...Im so confused right now...

[bluecastle]

P.S. I wonder if we could be friends, or that would complicate things.

 

You both, as katrina said, sound like great people. Cherish it, let it inform you, keep you light. I'm glad you had this moment.

 

As for friendship, time will likely answer that question. Unlike a lot of people on this forum, I am a big believer that friendships with exes is totally possible. I'm friends with many, and they're some of my most valued friendships.

 

What makes them work, at least for me, are a few things. Some time apart is crucial—to be apart, to regroup, to accept the loss, to detach, to let go. And then it comes down to a certain temperament, I guess. I can't really explain it, but once I accept the loss—that romantically we've run the course and are now moving at different directions—I find the desire and attraction fades, so it's just not that "complicated."

 

But this isn't the stuff to dwell on right now. Big, deep breaths. Let this moment come and let it go. Time always knows what's really up, far more than we do, even with our big crazy brains.

[Wiseman2]

Don't go there. It will sting and burn like hell when he has a new family oriented, religiously compatible gf/fiance. You will second guess the what ifs and torment yourself. Just end it and find someone who is more compatible with you and your values.

I wonder if we could be friends, or that would complicate things.

[Batya33]

Update.

 

Against most advice, I did reach out. I’m lucky bec it did end up giving the closure that I need. The reason he ignored my last message was bec my question (about work) was currently a touchy subject for him, and he felt he needed space to not answer to anyone, especially me.

 

He acknowledged that what we had was a genuine connection. Many things worked for us, but his desire to have a child is a dream he has, and if we were to force this relationship, one of us would have to have a dream die.

 

I feel like I’m ready to truly move on as it’s clear that there is no more next step for us. I also had no more of the ill feelings I had when I was ignored, and I’m now growing in appreciation for the maturity we exercise in seeing that we are incompatible. He asked me whether I’d change my mind about the child, and I feel in my heart I really know what I want. I am ready to let go of the last string of hope, to come into full acceptance that the relationship went as far as it could and would, but it ends right there. In a way, I felt closer to him than ever, because of the intimacy in the honesty, and at the same time, my heart aches a bit that we are truly truly moving on and moving away from each other.

 

P.S. I wonder if we could be friends, or that would complicate things.

 

When did he decide he must have a child -how long have you known that?

 

Very rude on his part to take space without responding with "I got your message -I am not ignoring you, just need some space right now" or similar. Even if it was not "just you" he was so rude to.

Yes, sometimes the letting everything out feels cleansing and you feel closer to the person temporarily. I don't think this is at all a basis for a friendship unless you can feel good and supportive when he meets a woman who wants what he wants and who he feels close enough to not to ignore her when he needs space, for example. And if you're friends you'll know that because he'll be in a bad mood or worrying and you'll see he's still interacting with his SO.

[audrey28]

You’re right. A friendship is not a good idea. I think I’m just making excuses not to let go of attachment completely, but I have to for my own sake.

[boltnrun]

You’re right. A friendship is not a good idea. I think I’m just making excuses not to let go of attachment completely, but I have to for my own sake.

 

Your personal insight is fantastic.

 

Most people would continue to make excuses for remaining "friends". Essentially lying to themselves. But not you. You're honest. Kudos.