How should I handle this "friend" at NYE party?

[Starlight925]

Have you talked with her about this? If not, I strongly suggest that you pull her aside at the start of the party and tell her not to bring up ANY of the past as it is hurtful and disrespectful.

I had to do this with a 'friend' and he has gotten much better. You must shut this down! Do not stoop to her level, you will also look like a jerk. You need to take back control.

 

Also, you need to cut all contact with this woman. She is toxic!!!!!

 

I'm always so dumbfounded, I end up not saying anything. So it looks like I'm taking the high road when in fact, I'm just awestruck by how insensitive she is. But now that I'm pretty sure it's coming, I'll be prepared for the blank stare/silence.

 

The first time she did this was about 10 years ago, and I just got up and found the hostess, thanked her for a lovely time, and went home. Apparently after I left, numerous people who hadn't met me started talking about her and how I seemed upset by it (from my silence). She apologized to me in person about 2 weeks later, when my then-teenage niece (now 29) was with me at a party. My niece still remembers this apology. Of course, the apology was only words, and it didn't stick.

 

I've since cut off all one-on-one contact with her. Only large groups, and only cordial conversations. She still manages to jab it in there once in a while. Ugh.

[Hollyj]

I'm always so dumbfounded, I end up not saying anything. So it looks like I'm taking the high road when in fact, I'm just awestruck by how insensitive she is. But now that I'm pretty sure it's coming, I'll be prepared for the blank stare/silence.

 

The first time she did this was about 10 years ago, and I just got up and found the hostess, thanked her for a lovely time, and went home. Apparently after I left, numerous people who hadn't met me started talking about her and how I seemed upset by it (from my silence). She apologized to me in person about 2 weeks later, when my then-teenage niece (now 29) was with me at a party. My niece still remembers this apology. Of course, the apology was only words, and it didn't stick.

 

I've since cut off all one-on-one contact with her. Only large groups, and only cordial conversations. She still manages to jab it in there once in a while. Ugh.

 

I still think you should say something at the party. Pull her aside and tell her you do not want to walk down memory lane. Nothing. Do not allow her the chance to say anything. Be serious and no apologies for your position.

[milly007]

I’m still surprised no one else has chimed in and told her she was being inappropriate.

 

Even if someone were to pipe-up and say her name once she starts on her rant (after giving her a look of disapproval), and then change the topic of conversation.

 

Makes me think that if she were to hear from others, she’ll get a clue (one would hope) that no one wants to hear what she has to say.

[Starlight925]

I’m still surprised no one else has chimed in and told her she was being inappropriate.

 

In my friends' defense (all of them), she actually doesn't do this in front of friends, or people we know. She makes sure she waits until there are people we don't know, and that's when she pulls this sh*t out.

 

In a group of people at a party, for example, how people move from group to group, she'll wait until I'm with a few new people. This is where you're just exchanging pleasantries: So nice to meet you, how do you know the host, how long have you lived in town, that sort of stuff. She will literally walk up, and say "LHGirl and I met when we were in our 20's. She was married then, and she divorced him, and ..... blah......blah......blah.....which is all of my romantic past. These new people just stand there, mouths open. Mind you, we met in 1986. So she's literally pulling out 32 years worth of stuff.

[milly007]

In my friends' defense (all of them), she actually doesn't do this in front of friends, or people we know. She makes sure she waits until there are people we don't know, and that's when she pulls this sh*t out.

 

In a group of people at a party, for example, how people move from group to group, she'll wait until I'm with a few new people. This is where you're just exchanging pleasantries: So nice to meet you, how do you know the host, how long have you lived in town, that sort of stuff. She will literally walk up, and say "LHGirl and I met when we were in our 20's. She was married then, and she ..... blah......blah......blah.....which is all of my romantic past. These new people just stand there, mouths open.

 

Ah oh ok.

 

Wow, she’s conniving.

[maew]

This b&%^ch is so envious of you it's not even funny LHG... just nonsense. I mean for SURE these people that are listening to this are going... "what the heck is this girls problem airing her friend's dirty laundry like this??" unless they are jealous b^%*&ches themselves.

 

Your friend is doing this to get a reaction from you, and to embarrass you, and to bring you down to her level, because she is insecure. When I have been in similar situations I roll my eyes and laugh, making a joke out of it to take the power out of what they are saying. The only way she can embarrass you is if you give her the power to do it.

[Starlight925]

This b&%^ch is so envious of you it's not even funny LHG... just nonsense. I mean for SURE these people that are listening to this are going... " is this girls problem airing her friend's dirty laundry like this??" unless they are jealous b^%*&ches themselves.

 

Your friend is doing this to get a reaction from you, and to embarrass you, and to bring you down to her level, because she is insecure. When I have been in similar situations I roll my eyes and laugh, making a joke out of it to take the power out of what they are saying. The only way she can embarrass you is if you give her the power to do it.

 

Thanks, makes sense. I'll do that....roll my eyes and laugh, or the blank stare.

 

She has several other friends who she's done this to in different ways, who have cut her out of their lives. I can actually think of 3. These were very long-term friends of hers too. The way it's going, she'll live a long life, alone. Matter of fact, decades ago, my then-boyfriend nicknamed her Lonely, a variation of her actual (last) name, and told me that I'd one day see that she was not the friend I thought she was. I should call him and tell him he was right, lol.

[maew]

Thanks, makes sense. I'll do that....roll my eyes and laugh, or the blank stare.

 

She has several other friends who she's done this to in different ways, who have cut her out of their lives. I can actually think of 3. These were very long-term friends of hers too. The way it's going, she'll live a long life, alone. Matter of fact, decades ago, my then-boyfriend nicknamed her Lonely, a variation of her actual (last) name, and told me that I'd one day see that she was not the friend I thought she was. I should call him and tell him he was right, lol.

 

haha no we can't be telling our ex's they were right about anything!

 

On a serious note, this reminds me of someone I know that was once a friend, she is now an acquaintance because I avoid her. I have known her for over 20 years. A number of times over the years she has made inappropriate comments to me, and about me to others, and has done this to almost everyone we know... she is lonely and has fewer and fewer friends because no one is willing to put up with her grumpy "mean girl" attitude, and she is unwilling to do anything about it. It's pretty sad and unnecessary when people choose not to look at themselves and instead hang on tightly to behaviors that push people away.

[shellyf62]

Why do people keep inviting her to things? She sounds horrid!

[Starlight925]

Why do people keep inviting her to things? She sounds horrid!

 

Because she's so "nice" and "wonderful" to all. All except the ones who have completely turned their back on her, lol.

 

She's one of these people with a certain air, like she just drips sophistication and wealth, even though she grew up very modestly. She plays a part, and I find it sickening.

[Eliza50]

I would have cut her out of my life years ago and if that was not possible because of mutual friends, I would just avoid her when we happened to be in the same place at the same time. She is so rude that I don't see why you should humour her.

 

When someone knows that something annoys you and they keep doing it, they leave you no other option.

Life is too short to put up with toxic people like that.

[catfeeder]

But I just know she's going to find a way, when there's a conversation lull, to bring up something hurtful about me. I just know it.

 

Any ideas? Snappy answers? Silence? I need ideas!

 

Her behavior is a reflection on her, not you. She's a walking megaphone to others that she's the opposite of loyal and kind friendship material. So anyone who's not embarrassed FOR HER isn't anyone I'd care about, anyway.

 

Most people aren't interested in anyone else's personal business, much less from 10 years ago. So this creature will hang herself with her own cattiness rather than damage you in any way. I'd avoid her where possible, or otherwise respond to any 'announcements' with a smile and a gentle pat, "Very kind of you, dear. Well done." Then I'd return to my own convo or invite whoever I'm speaking with to continue what they were saying.

 

Head high, and don't sweat the small stuff---or small people.

[bluecastle]

This b&%^ch is so envious of you it's not even funny LHG... just nonsense. I mean for SURE these people that are listening to this are going... "what the heck is this girls problem airing her friend's dirty laundry like this??" unless they are jealous b^%*&ches themselves.

 

Your friend is doing this to get a reaction from you, and to embarrass you, and to bring you down to her level, because she is insecure. When I have been in similar situations I roll my eyes and laugh, making a joke out of it to take the power out of what they are saying. The only way she can embarrass you is if you give her the power to do it.

 

I'm late to this thread, but this is essentially what I'd say.

 

I have a female "friend" like this—quotes to imply that she is, at best, a former friend or an almost once true friend. A lovely, smart, beautiful, dynamic woman who, in her core, is a whirl of toxic insecurity. She has a petty, vindictive side that can be easy to forget because she is often so charming, so lovely. A good listener. Curious. Adventurous. I genuinely like so, so much about her.

 

But I value that only, now, from afar, the way I value those qualities in people in general. She has wielded her toxic sword in my direction too many times. I didn't talk to her for three years at one point, having decided that she was bad news in the friend department. I let her back in over the past year, because she'd seemed to grow, to reckon with this stuff. She even admitted, in my case, that some of her edge stemmed from being jealous about certain aspects of my life.

 

But there is a fine line between awareness and evolution. When her life recently took some hard turns—breakup, blah blah—out came the swords, again directed at me. I realized that, for all my own nonsense when it comes to how I deal with feeling low and insecure—I'll take to posting photos on social media where I look cartoonishly invincible, not unlike (gulp) my photo here at left—I never try to stand taller by cutting down someone else.

 

LH, from everything you post, you are so clearly an awesome woman of warmth, wisdom, patience, and integrity. You are surely an awesome friend, to her and others. But she doesn't deserve it, as you've learned. That doesn't mean being less awesome at the party, by meeting a barb with a barb. It means meeting a barb, should one come, with your genuine awesomeness. Which, in this case, is the blank stare of someone who carries herself far, far above trivial noise.

 

That's what I do with my aforementioned "friend" now.

[Starlight925]

Thanks bluecastle, your feedback is, always, superb!

 

I'm sorry you have a similar situation with your friend. It's so unfortunate when we have people in our lives that we genuinely like, but who stab us in the back, and then wonder why we don't invite them anywhere anymore.

 

She sent me an email this morning about an event tonight that she had previously sent me. I never did respond to her first email, and I didn't respond today. In her first email, she said she was going to this (small) event, and invited me. I didn't respond. In today's email, she said she won't be able to make it. I didn't respond. But, knowing she won't be there, I might actually go!

[Starlight925]

Small update:

 

S. has reached out to me a few times this month, on group emails, setting up things.....visits to art museums, lunches, etc. I changed my email a while back, and she continues to ignore my request to change to my new email (although everyone else has done so). I simply didn't respond. Another mutual friend told me yesterday that S. was surprised that she hadn't heard from me, but my friend reminded her that it was possibly due to my email change. It was not. I just didn't want to respond.

 

I unfriended her on Facebook. I realize that's a bit childish, but I've made a decision for 2019 to fully let go of toxicity, and I don't want her to even see what I post, as she uses it later to jab me. So that's done.

 

I've also decided that I will continue to see her at gatherings, but it will be simple, cordial, surface-level "isn't the weather great" discussions. Period. I don't want to listen to her drone on with one more story, as she loves to tell me stories of her "fabulous" friends, and how so-and-so has such a better life than I do. Yes, she does this.

 

I've confided in one friend of our group, B., with whom I've grown close. B. has witnessed S.'s behavior and, while B. has never said anything to S., she calls me regularly to share her empathy.

 

I had dinner with B. this week, and I shared my 2019 non-toxicity plans, and B. called me yesterday to tell me how sad she finds it that S. has put me in this position. B. has seen a lot. I assured B. that, for all of our mutual friends, I will not make anything or anyone uncomfortable, and I asked B. not to share my un-friendship with S. I just want S. and I to co-exist within our friendship group without any discomfort for anyone else.

 

About 5 years ago, a business associate screamed and yelled at me and accused me of doing something borderline illegal. This person does not work in my company. I told my boss, and I decided that I would never speak one word to this person, J., again. J. was close to retirement, and I made a promise to myself that I would literally not ever look J. in the eyes again. 2 weeks ago, J. appeared at a business event, as it was his last day of working, as he was retiring. He went around to everyone to say goodbye, and I quickly made my way to the restroom as he approached our group. I maintained my promise to myself.

 

I have now promised this to myself regarding ex-friend S. I will never speak to her again, other than simple cordial pleasantries.

 

Thanks for listening.

[catfeeder]

I've confided in one friend of our group, B., with whom I've grown close. B. has witnessed S.'s behavior and, while B. has never said anything to S., she calls me regularly to share her empathy.

 

I'd be careful. This is the stuff that can backfire. I'd rather leave the shrew to be the one who speaks badly of people. Her behavior is a reflection on her, but mine is a reflection on me.

[Starlight925]

I'd be careful. This is the stuff that can backfire. I'd rather leave the shrew to be the one who speaks badly of people. Her behavior is a reflection on her, but mine is a reflection on me.

 

Thanks, I hear you. I realized (after a few drinks) that I should have just probably not said anything to my friend B, or anyone. I am not going to talk about it to anyone else.

[TheOutsider1]

I cringed reading at what she has put you through. Personally, I would not even keep her as an acquaintance, she's too toxic, sharing such personal things about your life like that. I think you got some good advice on here, on how to deal with the situation.

[Starlight925]

Update: LSS: No snide/jabby comments from S. all night. Success!

 

Party was really lovely. By the time S. and her new BF arrived, everyone else was there, so we were already in conversations. She came over to me and said, "Hey girlfriend!" in a way that sounded like she hadn't heard from me in a while.....which she hadn't.

 

For the past month, I have not responded to one text or email from her, and even group texts and emails, I've been replying to the person sending it, not "reply all". I'm trying to distance myself as much from her as possible without a confrontation.

 

Because I was already in conversations with other people, it left her little room to make any of her snide, jabby comments. I did consciously move through the room away from whoever she was talking to, but seamlessly. Like, oh, I'm going to get another glass of wine.

 

My good friend B., with whom I've shared all this, made sure I was seated next to her at dinner, and away from S. So during dinner, which was a formal, sit-down, fine china/best crystal meal, it was very nice.

 

I was cordial and pleasant, and when S. asked me why I had been so busy, I just said, oh, family, work, you know! And we exchanged simple pleasantries, and I moved through to other people. I did talk to her BF a little; he seems like a really nice guy, and I genuinely hope they're happy.

 

It was such a great evening, with great friends, and I do hope that I can continue on this way, simply moving S. to one of those people I see in groups, so as not to upset the group dynamic.

 

Without getting into a lot of details, I have different friends in each group who can't stand each other, and everyone knows it, so this one can't be invited to that event, and that one can't be invited to that, and I just hate it. I almost have to go incognito to things with certain people, so certain other people won't get upset. Ridiculous, really. So I'm doing my best as to not re-create that dynamic with S. No one else last night, other than friend B., knew the story.

[Seraphim]

Glad it worked out!

[Batya33]

One of my faves from your description:

 

 

Party was really lovely. By the time S. and her new BF arrived, everyone else was there, so we were already in conversations. She came over to me and said, "Hey girlfriend!" in a way that sounded like she hadn't heard from me in a while.....which she hadn't.

 

LOL!

 

I am also so glad it worked out -happy new year!

[Hollyj]

Whoo Hooo!

 

Glad it all worked out! Happy New Year!

[milly007]

Great to hear that it all worked out and that you enjoyed your NYE.

[catfeeder]

So glad to hear that you enjoyed the party, LH. Adopting distance from those who make us uncomfortable can be a great equalizer. It removes the presumption of intimacy that would otherwise cloak the frienemy in comfort as she wields your confidences as weapons. One clumsy blurt might be forgivable with a real friend, but the difference between clumsy and callous becomes recognizable soon enough. From there, it makes no sense to engage further.

 

Without getting into a lot of details, I have different friends in each group who can't stand each other, and everyone knows it, so this one can't be invited to that event, and that one can't be invited to that, and I just hate it. I almost have to go incognito to things with certain people, so certain other people won't get upset. Ridiculous, really. So I'm doing my best as to not re-create that dynamic with S. No one else last night, other than friend B., knew the story.

 

Very smart of you, and kind. I've stumbled into that dynamic in some groups, too. In one case, I was asked to invite one of my friends to join a group outing and not another--and the two are friends. The idea hurt my stomach, so I opted not to touch that. Instead, I encouraged the group to extend the invitation to my friend rather than positioning me between the two, and this has worked out beautifully ever since.

[Starlight925]

. Adopting distance from those who make us uncomfortable can be a great equalizer. It removes the presumption of intimacy that would otherwise cloak the frienemy in comfort as she wields your confidences as weapons. One clumsy blurt might be forgivable with a real friend, but the difference between clumsy and callous becomes recognizable soon enough. From there, it makes no sense to engage further.

 

Instead, I encouraged the group to extend the invitation to my friend rather than positioning me between the two, and this has worked out beautifully ever since.

 

Great way that you handled that situation!

 

Small update: S. asked my friend B. if I was mad at her (B. told me this). S. has noticed my lack of response to her emails and invitations, and although I was cordial at NYE, I was very distant and formal. I behaved as though she was someone I had just met, exchanging pleasantries.

 

She obviously noticed my change in demeanor towards her. She then told B. that she realized she said some very ugly things about a certain situation, and she was wondering if I was mad about that (it's one of oh, five hundred things, lol).

 

B. told her that she didn't know what was going on, but B. encouraged her to write me an email. In B.'s defense, she didn't know what else to say. I now wish I hadn't said anything to B. at all (as catfeeder had pointed out so wisely), so I'm not mentioning this to anyone else.

 

I have not received any communication from S.

 

She cycles through such a list of people who won't speak to her:

Her good guy friend J. hasn't spoken to her in almost a year.

25 year friend P. hasn't spoken to her since the summer.

25 year friend M. didn't speak to her for almost 2 years.

20+ year guy friend T. didn't speak to her for several months.

 

So I am clearly not the only one she does this to. I will continue to be cordial, as doing so made for a very pleasant evening for us all.

 

If you all are wondering why she continues to get invited to things, it's because she picks and chooses who she'll be mean to, and for whom she'll turn on the charm.

 

I am very close to B., and S. has never done even one minor thing to B., so B. only sees her behavior through me. S. "handles" certain people with style and grace, and she has this sophisticated but also self-deprecating air that people love. Until she swipes the sh*t out of you, lol.