I am in an abusive marriage and developed feelings for another man...

[BlueBlossom3]

Ok, so this may be a little long, and this situation is kind of a complete mess. I've been married for about 4 years now to someone I truly love (loved), but who ended up being abusive. He lied about a lot of his personal problems before we got married and has been extremely verbally abusive to me (calling me awful names and threatening to leave me all the time, and even threatening to kill me, sometimes in horrifically descriptive words) and often borderline physical (he'd grab my arms and bruise me, he'd push me, he'd destroy property, etc). I won't go into all the details and there is much more he has done, but suffice it to say that I've lived through hell with him. I have been living with this abuse for a couple years now. I am still young (late 20s) and my family and friends all tell me to leave him. Somehow, I haven't been able to. Fear? Hope? Love? Duty? We do have good moments as well, and he constantly apologizes and promises to be better. Life has a weird way of working out and my husband and I ended up being long distance for 3 months on different coasts of the country (We live in Seattle and he went to New York. It was not my choice, and it was so hard to put my life on standstill during an already chaotic time while in my abusive marriage).

 

In the meantime, I got really close with a guy friend. Let's call him B. I've known B for a couple years through a mutual group we are both part of (my husband has never met any of my friends from this group; he generally has no interest in meeting my friends). Anyway, I always saw B as a friend, until recently. Sometimes in the past I'd catch him staring at me and he acted nervous around me, but I brushed it off. By the way, B is super shy and inexperienced with relationships (he has never been in a relationship and doesn't seem to have any real platonic close girl friends; and for the record, he is attracted to women only). Recently, we all had a retreat with our group. I grew very close with B at this retreat. We did all the activities together. We would find each other across a crowded room and gravitate toward each other. He is super shy and nerdy but adorable and we have tons in common. The way he stared at me made me feel so special. He complimented my intelligence and other skills and made me feel alive again after feeling like less than a human being for years in my abusive relationship. I've been told I'm very attractive and do get a lot of attention from men generally, but B's attention is the only attention that has made me feel special in so long. Maybe it is because it's genuine and innocent. And he didn't make me feel objectified. He has never made me feel uncomfortable. Everyone also thought we should be together or were together. Several people of various ages and backgrounds would separately ask me if B and I were together and they said (even still say) they thought we were or should be. There is a certain magnetism between us that is undeniable. One of my friends said it's the way he looks at me and lights up around me. People say we seem to make each other happy (it's truly fascinating what people can pick up on).

 

Anyway, B and I spent a whole night of the retreat alone together (after the dance where we danced together and spent the whole time together), doing nothing but holding hands and watching movies. It was electric. I thought B knew I was married because it's on social media, he had been present several times when I mentioned to others that I was married, I wear my wedding band, etc. He denied that he knew. I opened up to him about the abusiveness of my marriage that night and said I was grappling with the decision to potentially get a divorce. He hugged me after I opened up and also continued holding hands with me until morning. He also said he thought I was cute. I said I could never cheat on anyone and I could do nothing more than be friends with him. I said if I was single, we could have done more that night than hold hands, but now we could only be good friends, and he said "yeah" in acknowledgment of that. We both said that we really liked each other.

 

After the retreat, we hung out several more times, alone. I invited him out and we ended up spending all day together, until 2am, going to dinner, the movies, etc. We never did anything more than hold hands. But we held hands and neither of us pulled away. I kissed his neck once as I hugged him goodbye and he didn't pull away (I then said "bye" and walked quickly away as he stared out after me). We've hugged for a little too long. He put his arm around me once. He is so sweet and would always go out of his way to make me happy. He put his sweater down for me to sit on when it was raining. He gave me rides home late at night, even when I said I could take an uber. He took me on fun adventures and to hang out with his friends I hadn't met before. He made me feel like a person again during a time I felt so abused, abandoned, and lonely. I always felt and saw him staring at me, he would remember little things I said weeks (even months) before, he would always compliment me to myself and to others, he would stand really close to me, be super attentive toward me, would be jealous if I interacted with other guys and comment / ask questions about them, and his friends implied that they thought we were together. Basically, the majority of people who have seen us interact (friends and strangers) have said they thought there is something betwen us. And I have pretty good intuition and just felt it as well.

 

I would hide my feelings from him really well, though. Aside from the hand holding, I didn't acknowledge anything and even called him "friend" to an excessive degree ("you're such a great friend;" and "hi, friend!"). I would lament about the horrible state of my marriage and talk about my celebrity crushes with B (he never has shown any interest in anyone else, real or celebrities, around me). I think this was a defense mechanism in large part. I would oscillate between saying I wanted to leave my husband and saying I wanted to stick it out and try to make it work with him. I was really good at hiding my feelings, except when I held his hand. The electricity between us made me melt.

 

In the meantime, my husband was abusive even from afar. I knew I had to make a decision about staying or leaving soon, irrespective of B or anyone else, especially as we would soon not be long distance when he gets back to Seattle.

 

After one of the last couple times I saw B, I knew I needed to talk about what was going on between us (plus, my friends said I should figure out how we both felt). I didn't want to start anything or act on our feelings, as I am still married, but I wanted us to be honest with each other. Things were becoming undeniable. I tried talking about it for a week (and said I "wanted to talk" but not about what), but he completely ignored me. He just completely disappeared with no explanation. He fell off the face of the earth, on social media, etc. Even after I asked him if everything was ok and if I had offended him, he still ignored me for days. Later, he pretended he was busy with work (sure, buddy). Then when I finally had the opportunity, I asked him what was happening between us and if he had a crush on me and he replied that he only saw me as a friend. I said I was feeling a bit confused about my feelings and may like him as more than a friend. I asked why his friends thought we were together and he said he didn't know. I asked why we held hands, and he had no answer. So then, after he said he saw me as just a friend, I completely backtracked and said that was good because I saw him as just a friend, too, and that I was just confused about it for only a couple weeks because of the state of my marriage. I said I had not liked him at all until the past week or two and was simply just confused, but glad we cleared it up. It killed me to lie about my feelings and say I saw him as just a friend throughout the retreat, etc, when he had been such a beacon of hope for me and made me feel alive again. Out of hurt and anger (that he was potentially not being honest with his feelings), I even told him I loved my husband still and wanted to try to make things work with him and give him another chance (there is truth to this; I am clearly very confused). I even said I hoped he finds someone someday and offered to play matchmaker for him (which he adamantly declined).

 

We saw each other one time after that, in a group setting, and it was a bit awkward, though the magnetism was still there. I still texted him for a little bit after that to try to be friends, and invited him to group things he declined, and he would be colder and would never initiate (he didn't really even initiate texting at the beginning; he is super reserved and doesn't seem to like texting). I eventually stopped texting/trying to be friends with him and he hasn't contacted me at all, and we haven't talked or seen each other in a while. We inevitably will see each other, in our group, but I'm not sure when.

 

Now, over a month later, I feel so guilty. Guilty that I even liked someone else while married in the first place (I never ever have before and I am extremely monogamous; this is the one and only time, and a perfect storm caused this to happen, as B would normally not even have been my "type," and I have had blinders on to any other man who wasn't my partner throughout my marriage and all my past relationships). I also feel guilty about how I may have confused B and strung him along. I pretend on social media to be very happy and to be busy going out and living my life, but I can't stop thinking about B and I hope he is OK. I really miss him, even just as a friend. I want him to be happy, even though it would be so hard for me to see him be with someone else. I know that is unfair of me, as I am married to someone else. I can't even imagine how it must be for him, if he has feelings for me, to imagine me being with my husband. This situation is a real, tangible thing, and not just hypothetical. I even spent time with my husband for a few days in the middle of this, and B knew it. I thought time and distance apart from B would help, but I still think of him and miss him and feel an otherworldly connection to him.

 

Was B lying when he said he only saw me as a friend? How could he hold my hand, stare at me the way he did, call me cute, invite me out with his friends, spend all day and night until early morning with me, and all the other things I mentioned above, if he only saw me as a friend? How could everyone think we were together (or would be good together) if there was nothing there? Why does it matter anyway, since I'm still married? I feel so empty and unsafe within my marriage and even though my husband promises to be better, I've heard this for years and it is hard to trust him. I am so completely torn. Do I stay? Do I go? Will my husband be different now, with time and distance and the proactive steps he claims to be taking to be better? I had been grappling with leaving for so long before any of this (and before I even met B), and now B has complicated my already complicated life. If nothing else, he has been an immense source of hope that a man could treat me well and make me feel worthy. But the situation also saddens me.

 

So my questions are these:

1) Did or does B like me as more than a friend? (And please don't tell me it doesn't matter, because it does; it hurts that he may not have been honest with me)

 

2) Why did he deny it, if so?

 

3) What the heck do I do?

 

I told you this is a mess...

[Jibralta]

Why did he deny it, if so?

 

Probably because he is married, and he doesn't want to ruin his marriage.

[SherrySher]

Firstly, you did cheat on your husband. You don't need to kiss or have sex to cheat. Cheating occurs when you allow yourself to get emotionally close to another man other than your husband.

But you took it even further. You kissed this man on the neck, you held hands with him, you spent loads of time alone. All the while knowing you were attracted to him.

That's cheating.

 

B, no doubt, is not a dummy. He knew what you were doing and even might have even liked you back for a short time. But it didn't take long for him to realize that he didn't want to be with a woman who would cheat and who kept going back and forth between him and her husband.

 

You can't do that to people.

 

If you're that unhappy, you need to be a decent person and get a divorce. Your husband is abusive. That's not going to change.

Yes, he could take anger management classes and have personal counselling, but in my opinion, this is who he is and he's not fixable.

 

You can't keep justifying his behavior or hoping it will change.

It won't.

 

And in the meantime, you can't use people to fix your pain. B might have been nice to you, but no doubt he felt used. He probably wondered what kind of woman runs to another man while married.

The whole situation was just bad.

You can't expect to get a romance out of a situation like that. You started off on the wrong foot. You are still someone's wife.

 

If you want the privilege to get close to another man, end this marriage. Otherwise, stay away from other men. It will only confuse you, it's immoral and it will hurt the other man.

 

Your only choice here is to end things with your husband. As for B, let him alone until you've signed the divorce papers.

[nutbrownhare]

You need to leave your husband, and spend some considerable time single before you get involved with another guy. You need to get to a stage where you aren't lonely or lacking in validation if you aren't in a relationship - then you will have the means to make wiser choices about your men. You shouldn't need another person as a beacon of hope, because you will be able to be that for yourself.

 

As for B - it sounds like a bit of a holiday romance, and he faded away when he looked at the reality of the situation. Wisely, he's leaving you to sort out the mess of your own life and he's not prepared to get involved in it. There are guys who would do so - you only have to look at these boards to see the guys who've decided they will be the knight in shining armour to a woman who's involved with/married to a brute, and the unhealthy drama and chaos that ensues. A quality guy wouldn't go there. Especially not as you told him that you love your husband and want to work on the marriage whilst implying to B that you're still prepared to string him along.

 

There is also one little bit which also stands out from your original post, one of the features which you think illustrates B's feelings for you:

would be jealous if I interacted with other guys and comment / ask questions about them

This isn't something to be appreciated and cherished, it's a whopping great red flag. If you can't get past the mindset that jealousy = love, you will continue to get involved with abusive men. It's one of the classic warning signs.

 

On a side note, I have a lovely friend who has never learned to drive partly because 'she wants someone to drive her around and take charge', then can't understand why the only guys who are attracted to her are monumental control freaks.

 

You need to take charge of your own life, look at what you want from life - and then get it for yourself without relying on someone else to fulfil responsibilities which are rightly yours.

 

Good luck!

[yatsue]

You emotionally, and to an extent physically, cheated on your husband. I'm not sure why you believe otherwise. It sounds like you're rationalizing your behavior, which involved expressing romantic feelings through actions towards another man besides your husband. After the fantasy faded, B had some time to reflect on his actions, by himself and/or through others, and he decided he wanted nothing more to do with a married woman, especially one who admittedly keeps bouncing between two men.

 

The obvious answer to your question is to leave your husband. He is abusive and it only gets worse for you from here on out, statistically. The odds are not in your favor, should you stay. Hopefully you take this experience of ruining your reputation (sorry, no one has positive thoughts about a married woman having or trying to have an affair, even if nothing is said to your face) and utilize it as the wakeup call to make a change to better yourself. You can improve your situation; you don't need another man to do so.

[MissCanuck]

You need to leave your husband, and spend some considerable time single before you get involved with another guy. You need to get to a stage where you aren't lonely or lacking in validation if you aren't in a relationship - then you will have the means to make wiser choices about your men. You shouldn't need another person as a beacon of hope, because you will be able to be that for yourself.

 

As for B - it sounds like a bit of a holiday romance, and he faded away when he looked at the reality of the situation. Wisely, he's leaving you to sort out the mess of your own life and he's not prepared to get involved in it.

 

I was about to write the same, so I will encourage you to read the above again, OP.

 

My guess is that B did like you, but wasn't looking for anything serious from you. He liked your attention, thought you were cute. He knew it was a dead-end though. I would also wager that he has met now someone else and had subsequently distanced himself further from you so you don't interfere in that.

 

You will not find happiness outside your marriage like this. You need to be not married anymore if you expect to meet a truly decent guy.

[figureitout23]

You’ve gotten some excellent advice I think.

 

You’re in an abusive relationship, now is not the time to put your emotional wellbeing in the hands of a crush.

 

Like nut said, you also seem to find abusive characteristics attractive putting you at a huge risk of ending up in another absuhev situation.

 

You don’t need this question answered you need a support system so you can leave your husband. The fact that you thought responders would ignore everything that you wrote and tel you something so obscure that even if we were psychic we wouldn’t know the answer to is mind boggling to me. It’s possible he likes you, it’s possible he didn’t, what we do know without a shadow of doubt is he told you he saw you as a friend. He took the healthy and high road and quite frankly you should do the same.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately he didn't want to be your landing pad if you left your husband. It was just a fling while your husband was away.

[DancingFool]

OP, you need to forget this guy and focus on your reality. You are married to a violent abuser, things will not change no matter what promises he makes to you and you categorically need to leave him and get proper help to do so.

 

OP, abusers are pathological and do not change because deep down they both feel entitled and actively enjoy beating you up and manipulating you. Making promises is manipulation and every single time you buy his bs and stick around for more, he is laughing at you and loving how he can fool you time and time again.

 

You are stuck in a perpetual cycle of abuse which is abuse--->apologies, promises to be better---->honeymoon period where things are happy----->tension building (whether the victim is aware of it or not)----->abuse. Rinse and repeat forever or until the victim does what they need to do to leave. What keeps most victims stuck unfortunately are the apologies, promises and those moments of good times. In fact, the whole thing can have an addictive effect of creating a punishment/reward system and victims will bear the punishment to get very little reward.

 

To leave, OP, you need not just a good lawyer, but serious counseling to help you psychologically and emotionally to stay strong and get your head screwed on straight about your life and priorities. When a man is physically violent and graphically describes killing you, I'd suggest that you take that seriously and don't keep sticking around until that becomes your reality and you just another statistic. Get out of this and as other suggested, stay away from relationships until you sort out what healthy looks like because you are a drawn to what is violent and dangerous.

[thisisrichey]

As an abuse victim in an abusive situation - i would ease up on the “love somebody else” stuff. 1) b/c you’re not thinking straight as an abuse victim.. you have things you need to work thru and heal from and re-program your brain from before you’re ready to have another relationship... that’s just by default... 2) your “other man” during or immediately after a break-up is typically a “rebound relationship” (which is not a real relationship in the end.. ), and because you are leaving an abusive situation, the odds are IMMENSELY compounded that it’s a “rebound relationship.”

 

#1 - leave your abusive situation ... as quickly as possible! Taht’s that best thing you need to do today.

#2 - heal. take some time. don’t jump into another situation until you heal and are your old self again. Therapy will be of GREAT help in helping you along in achieving that.

#3 - DO NOT get into another relationship until you’re fully healed. Don’t even try it. Chances of getting into another abusive situation are EXTREMELY HIGH until you complete Step #2.

 

it is not the most romantic answer, the sexiest answer, or the one that you’ll want to hear or do.

But it’s the only HEALTHY answer to get you OUT of the abuse cycle (abuse victims typically don’t have just 1 abusive relationship.. they have a series of them because they never heal and learn why they became abuse victims and susceptible to abusers in the first place).

 

Good luck and please do Step #1 as quickly as you can.

[ThatwasThen]

I think you should forget about any men for now, get yourself into therapy to help you figure out why you stay with a man that treats you like crap. If you don't, you'll not get the confidence and love of self to leave your husband. It's not love or any of the things you say why you stay... it's codependency at its finest and you need some help to get you out and then to get you being the best you that you can be. Its time to think about you, not what or why some guy has acted a certain way.

[BlueBlossom3]

This is OP again. Thanks for the advice. After thinking about it more I decided to contact B again today and we had a conversation about it and he said he cares about me and did like me as more but didnt want to get in the way of my marriage or put me at physical risk. Now I realize it doesnt matter anyway. What matters is leaving my abusive relationship. We agreed to be good friends and I think this time we can really be just friends. The feelings on both sides will go away and I'm glad we had a heart to heart. I have many platonic guy friends and it should be fine. B said he'll be here for me to give me advice and help me move out of the house I share with my husband if I choose to leave (we co-own a 3 bedroom house and I'll have to figure out logistics in the divorce).

 

I've also decided I'm going to leave my husband since he's back in Seattle from his academic program in NY and is still abusive (this morning he broke the microwave and several dishes in a fit of rage. I think that's the last staw. Things won't change and my safety is at risk). My brother and his fiancee have offered to let me move in with them for the time being while I figure things out. Financially I'm not doing great. I have a college degree but took time off from working full time after getting married. My parents are also nearby (in the Seattle area) and my other siblings who live a few hours away also say they will support me. I'm going to stay single for a long time after my divorce to figure out what I want and to get into a healthy place before even considering dating again. I don't want to end up with another abusive person. And when I do date again it would most likely be with someone new. B will most likely just stay a friend. He's not even my type (he's about 7 years older than me. I'm 27 and he's 34) and even already I am starting to see him as just a friend again. I appreciate his friendship but there is nothing more and should be nothing more. Thanks for your advice. It has really helped and I needed a wakeup call. My priority is getting out of my abusive marriage and healing before considering anything else.

[SherrySher]

You deserve better Blue, you really do.

 

I know this next while is going to take a lot of strength but please do this for yourself and your own happiness!

He is never going to change and you don't need to wait around until he really hurts you!

 

Write on this site any time you need to or anytime you need support. We will always help as much as we can.

[Jibralta]

Good luck moving on. Stay strong.

 

B should have said he didn't want to mess up his own marriage, not just yours. What a schmoozer. He's obviously no prize and I hope you really do abandon the idea of him as a love-interest.

[nutbrownhare]

Good luck moving on. Stay strong.

 

B should have said he didn't want to mess up his own marriage, not just yours. What a schmoozer. He's obviously no prize and I hope you really do abandon the idea of him as a love-interest.

 

I think that the suggestion that B is married came from one of the other posters, not the OP:

 

By the way, B is super shy and inexperienced with relationships (he has never been in a relationship and doesn't seem to have any real platonic close girl friends; and for the record, he is attracted to women only).

 

Though the OP needs to move on and work on herself nevertheless.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like you are going to stay married for financial and other reasons and continue trying to get emotional support from all sorts of people, men in particular and after all the chaos and drama and horrific abuse stories...just keep going back and staying and being a victim and damsel in distress..

...if I choose to leave....

[Jibralta]

I think that the suggestion that B is married came from one of the other posters, not the OP:

 

Oh.

 

Where did I get that he was married?

 

In that case, I take back what I said about him being a schmoozer and no prize.