Rude as hell SIL

[SherrySher]

My SIL is not much better. All you can do is try your best to ignore it. (even though I know it is aggravating as h3ll).

 

Hang in there.x

[Awanderer]

the poor 84 year old woman had cancer surgery a few months ago. Cancer for the 3rd time and my FIL has advanced Parkinson’s with dementia.

 

I'm sorry but you sound incredibly cold and inconsiderate to what your SIL has been dealing with here, if she has been the main care giver through all this. I think you and your husband need to do some soul-searching and evaluate how absent you have been through all this, and how casual your attitude is about what your SIL has been shouldering on her own, what she has endured, and what she has sacrificed to be there 247 for their parents. You just shrug off your responsibility because you live 3 hours away and his parents claim they don't want help. That's not facing the reality of what the parents needs and requirements for help are. News flash! NO parent wants to have to ask their kids for help, even more so when it's obvious the child and spouse don't want to be inconvenienced. Sometimes you have to step in and insist on helping elderly parents, even when they argue about it. It sounds to me like you are clueless as to what it is like to be a full time care-giver to a cancer patient or a patient with Parkinson's with dementia.

 

Cancer THREE TIMES? That's enough to drive any daughter to breaking point, but add in your FILs advanced Parkinson's with dementia and sorry, your SIL is getting BURIED under stress and strain trying to care for them both day in and day out with what sounds like very little help from you or her brother, not to mention very little thanks or appreciation. Does she get ANY time off? Is there ANYONE else to give her a break, even for a few hours? It doesn't sound like it, and I'm guessing this has been going on for YEARS, so no wonder she's angry and full of resentment.

 

You say she CHOSE it, but not really. No one really chooses this life. They feel driven because they love their parents. They feel obligated. They feel guilty for what the parents are going through and that they can't fix it for them. They feel guilty for feeling resentful for wishing they could get a break. She's given up her whole life to take care of them. Nobody chooses this. And then you dare to judge her because she's angry and frustrated at your lack of involvement and support. She's given up her whole life to help them because you two won't do your share of the care-giving!

 

I think your husband needs to step up and help figure out a way to be a LOT more helpful. The fact that you live 3 hours away is a very lame excuse. Your husband needs to go stay a couple weekends a month with his parents to give SIL some much needed time off completely away from the house. She needs regular, consistent, reliable breaks away from the constant stress and responsibility. Hire some help for her. It really is not fair that your SIL has had to shoulder the entire burden for their care. It sounds like you are clueless to what caring for a cancer patient entails, from taking them to all their dr appointments, lab work, pharmacies, maybe physical therapy, to cooking all their meals and cleaning up after them, to helping them while they puke their guts out from Chemo or helping them back and forth to the restroom after surgery. And caring for a parent with dementia is absolutely heartbreaking. Your sister is not getting a free ride by living there rent free I guarantee she is earning her living there.

 

You both need to step up and start giving her a much much needed break. It sounds like your SIL is reaching a breaking point and you both ought to be a little more considerate and a lot less judgmental.

[DanZee]

I would just say this is sibling stuff, so stay out of it. Let your husband handle it. Don't say anything. This resentment probably goes all the way back to the womb. You can't do anything about it now. Just take the higher road and always be polite and don't say a harsh word to her. Keep in mind, you just have to get through these family events and try to leave with your dignity.

[tattoobunnie]

But you probably don’t snarl at your brother “ get over here and help me and tell him to shut up. “

 

She is going to have lower hers when we no longer see her after her folks are dead. And she can find another pasty to go to Disney with her not my son.

 

Depends. If I cooked an entire Thanksgiving dinner, and they aren't jumping in to help clean up, there'd be a beat down.

[Seraphim]

I'm sorry but you sound incredibly cold and inconsiderate to what your SIL has been dealing with here, if she has been the main care giver through all this. I think you and your husband need to do some soul-searching and evaluate how absent you have been through all this, and how casual your attitude is about what your SIL has been shouldering on her own, what she has endured, and what she has sacrificed to be there 247 for their parents. You just shrug off your responsibility because you live 3 hours away and his parents claim they don't want help. That's not facing the reality of what the parents needs and requirements for help are. News flash! NO parent wants to have to ask their kids for help, even more so when it's obvious the child and spouse don't want to be inconvenienced. Sometimes you have to step in and insist on helping elderly parents, even when they argue about it. It sounds to me like you are clueless as to what it is like to be a full time care-giver to a cancer patient or a patient with Parkinson's with dementia.

 

Cancer THREE TIMES? That's enough to drive any daughter to breaking point, but add in your FILs advanced Parkinson's with dementia and sorry, your SIL is getting BURIED under stress and strain trying to care for them both day in and day out with what sounds like very little help from you or her brother, not to mention very little thanks or appreciation. Does she get ANY time off? Is there ANYONE else to give her a break, even for a few hours? It doesn't sound like it, and I'm guessing this has been going on for YEARS, so no wonder she's angry and full of resentment.

 

You say she CHOSE it, but not really. No one really chooses this life. They feel driven because they love their parents. They feel obligated. They feel guilty for what the parents are going through and that they can't fix it for them. They feel guilty for feeling resentful for wishing they could get a break. She's given up her whole life to take care of them. Nobody chooses this. And then you dare to judge her because she's angry and frustrated at your lack of involvement and support. She's given up her whole life to help them because you two won't do your share of the care-giving!

 

I think your husband needs to step up and help figure out a way to be a LOT more helpful. The fact that you live 3 hours away is a very lame excuse. Your husband needs to go stay a couple weekends a month with his parents to give SIL some much needed time off completely away from the house. She needs regular, consistent, reliable breaks away from the constant stress and responsibility. Hire some help for her. It really is not fair that your SIL has had to shoulder the entire burden for their care. It sounds like you are clueless to what caring for a cancer patient entails, from taking them to all their dr appointments, lab work, pharmacies, maybe physical therapy, to cooking all their meals and cleaning up after them, to helping them while they puke their guts out from Chemo or helping them back and forth to the restroom after surgery. And caring for a parent with dementia is absolutely heartbreaking. Your sister is not getting a free ride by living there rent free I guarantee she is earning her living there.

 

You both need to step up and start giving her a much much needed break. It sounds like your SIL is reaching a breaking point and you both ought to be a little more considerate and a lot less judgmental.

 

My husband is in the military and can’t just up and leave whenever he wants.

 

PLUS , I research ALL KINDS of in home hell for them through social workers and everything. Even MY parents did. It was thrown back at us.

 

Plus my in-laws have been aholes to me for 30 years but you don’t know that. They are lucky I even have any compassion.

 

And my MIL has never had chemo but surgery and my husband went down for a week and stayed with his dad while his sister cared for their mom at the hospital.

[Seraphim]

I'm sorry but you sound incredibly cold and inconsiderate to what your SIL has been dealing with here, if she has been the main care giver through all this. I think you and your husband need to do some soul-searching and evaluate how absent you have been through all this, and how casual your attitude is about what your SIL has been shouldering on her own, what she has endured, and what she has sacrificed to be there 247 for their parents. You just shrug off your responsibility because you live 3 hours away and his parents claim they don't want help. That's not facing the reality of what the parents needs and requirements for help are. News flash! NO parent wants to have to ask their kids for help, even more so when it's obvious the child and spouse don't want to be inconvenienced. Sometimes you have to step in and insist on helping elderly parents, even when they argue about it. It sounds to me like you are clueless as to what it is like to be a full time care-giver to a cancer patient or a patient with Parkinson's with dementia.

 

Cancer THREE TIMES? That's enough to drive any daughter to breaking point, but add in your FILs advanced Parkinson's with dementia and sorry, your SIL is getting BURIED under stress and strain trying to care for them both day in and day out with what sounds like very little help from you or her brother, not to mention very little thanks or appreciation. Does she get ANY time off? Is there ANYONE else to give her a break, even for a few hours? It doesn't sound like it, and I'm guessing this has been going on for YEARS, so no wonder she's angry and full of resentment.

 

You say she CHOSE it, but not really. No one really chooses this life. They feel driven because they love their parents. They feel obligated. They feel guilty for what the parents are going through and that they can't fix it for them. They feel guilty for feeling resentful for wishing they could get a break. She's given up her whole life to take care of them. Nobody chooses this. And then you dare to judge her because she's angry and frustrated at your lack of involvement and support. She's given up her whole life to help them because you two won't do your share of the care-giving!

 

I think your husband needs to step up and help figure out a way to be a LOT more helpful. The fact that you live 3 hours away is a very lame excuse. Your husband needs to go stay a couple weekends a month with his parents to give SIL some much needed time off completely away from the house. She needs regular, consistent, reliable breaks away from the constant stress and responsibility. Hire some help for her. It really is not fair that your SIL has had to shoulder the entire burden for their care. It sounds like you are clueless to what caring for a cancer patient entails, from taking them to all their dr appointments, lab work, pharmacies, maybe physical therapy, to cooking all their meals and cleaning up after them, to helping them while they puke their guts out from Chemo or helping them back and forth to the restroom after surgery. And caring for a parent with dementia is absolutely heartbreaking. Your sister is not getting a free ride by living there rent free I guarantee she is earning her living there.

 

You both need to step up and start giving her a much much needed break. It sounds like your SIL is reaching a breaking point and you both ought to be a little more considerate and a lot less judgmental.

 

And it hasn’t gone on for YEARS. Her parents were perfectly functional until 2 years ago. We were there for decades. You don’t know it but she had always been a spoilt bytch. Her dad when he was 80 was on a ladder in her classroom ( she is a teacher) because his “ beloved B can’t possibly be expected to put together a classroom.”

 

Plus my husband’s parents have lots of money and REFUSE OUTRIGHT to hire anyone. Period end of.

[Seraphim]

Depends. If I cooked an entire Thanksgiving dinner, and they aren't jumping in to help clean up, there'd be a beat down.

 

We had take out. She had to throw some dishes in the dishwasher.

[Seraphim]

Plus, I didn’t notice any one of them busting my door down to help me with a child with a disability.

[j.man]

Honestly, it gets to a point where you've just gotta lower your expectations and fall back on the old adage of "sticks and stones." Perhaps military training in Canada is a bit gentler than here, but I'd imagine you and your husband are familiar enough with getting chewed out to have learned when and how to put on your dissociation armor. I totally understand that it's an added level of suck when it's someone from your very own family you've got to adapt in such a way to, but there really is no winning, only finding a way to limit the amount of headache that comes of it. Plus, though it may be unreasonably optimistic to hope for here, it tends to be that people need to listen to themselves talk to finally realize the ass they're behaving like. Perhaps by some miracle she'll discipline herself before she starts burning bridges. I do fully support him not entertaining her requests of him while she disrespects him. But beyond that, there likely isn't much to be gained.

[ButterflyWrists]

Hey Seraphrim, I think you need to step back, I know you resent your in laws, which makes it a lot harder to navigate when something like this happens. All you can do is support your husband, don't bytch about his sister to him etc. Vent to us when it gets to you. You owe these people nothing, but you do owe it to yourself, your husband and son to keep the peace, don't get angry vocally, distract and vent. I would advise against letting it all out after parents in law pass, it willserve no purpose aside from making her feel more justified. It is your husband job to deal with his family as he sees fit. Saying that, you are under no obligation to put yourself in a situation that affects you this much. So Christmas, spend the day at hotel reading and allow your hubby and son to do as they see fit. Just support your hubby. Wishing you well x

[Seraphim]

A wanderer,

 

My MIL had first stage breast cancer 25 years ago. We were there for that . She had her breast removed and went against dr’s advice and kept the other breast. Then 15 years ago she had a skin cancer removed that she never told us about till five years ago . Then this year she had the other breast removed. Again 1st stage and she’s all recovered now .

 

My father-in-law has had Parkinson’s for about 15 years the first 12 years they told us nothing and no symptoms showed up until a couple of years ago that’s when we noticed and DEMANDED to know what was going on.

 

They were relentlessly emotionally abusive to my husband most of his life . He even tried to commit suicide when he was younger. They told me I would never belong to their family and it was good my other child died in utero because I looked horrible anyway. So forgive me if I am not falling over myself to help them.

 

I am polite and treat them with respect they have never given me.

[Seraphim]

Hey Seraphrim, I think you need to step back, I know you resent your in laws, which makes it a lot harder to navigate when something like this happens. All you can do is support your husband, don't bytch about his sister to him etc. Vent to us when it gets to you. You owe these people nothing, but you do owe it to yourself, your husband and son to keep the peace, don't get angry vocally, distract and vent. I would advise against letting it all out after parents in law pass, it willserve no purpose aside from making her feel more justified. It is your husband job to deal with his family as he sees fit. Saying that, you are under no obligation to put yourself in a situation that affects you this much. So Christmas, spend the day at hotel reading and allow your hubby and son to do as they see fit. Just support your hubby. Wishing you well x

Instead I will visit my parents all 3 days .;)

[ButterflyWrists]

Even better! Xmas is no time to suffer and be treated horribly x

[Seraphim]

I have to see my dad too who is on dialysis and at close to end of his life. My mom who just got better from pneumonia and a ruptured ear drum. My step dad also had cancer this year and my aunt. So his family is not the only one with issues.

Even better! Xmas is no time to suffer and be treated horribly x

[Seraphim]

Honestly, it gets to a point where you've just gotta lower your expectations and fall back on the old adage of "sticks and stones." Perhaps military training in Canada is a bit gentler than here, but I'd imagine you and your husband are familiar enough with getting chewed out to have learned when and how to put on your dissociation armor. I totally understand that it's an added level of suck when it's someone from your very own family you've got to adapt in such a way to, but there really is no winning, only finding a way to limit the amount of headache that comes of it. Plus, though it may be unreasonably optimistic to hope for here, it tends to be that people need to listen to themselves talk to finally realize the ass they're behaving like. Perhaps by some miracle she'll discipline herself before she starts burning bridges. I do fully support him not entertaining her requests of him while she disrespects him. But beyond that, there likely isn't much to be gained.

True.

.....:

[milly007]

This sucks. I'm sorry you're going through this, Seraphim.

 

Family dynamics are tough waters to navigate.

 

Sorry if this was already addressed but, is your SIL on her own? Does she have any support?

 

I can't imagine being in her position. It sounds like she's under a lot of stress. However, despite her stressful circumstances, this does not justify her treating loved ones with disrespect.

 

It's too bad your brother can't just call her, speak to her one-on-one, and see if she wants to talk, or at least ask her if everything's okay because she seemed stressed during your last visit. Is this even an option?

 

How does your husband feel about you saying something if things were to get heated again?

 

I hope you all get to the bottom of it, as these types of scenarios are not only uncomfortable, but really emotionally draining.

[Realitynut]

I totally understand their situation. When my dad was dying from cancer, the familiarly imploded on itself. It's very stressful for all.

 

If it were me and my sister in law was angry/frustrated, I would have diffused the situation, showed some empathy and told her to take a much needed break and I would take care of the dishes. Maybe suggest the siblings go spend some time together and talk.

 

Some kindness can go a long way.

 

I was thinking the same thing. She may have been resentful that she was the only one doing the dishes. (was she?) and REALLY was resentful YOU weren't helping. Couldn't talk to you like that (with out getting her butt kicked....lol) so she rudely asked her brother to help...since she knew he wouldn't talk back!!!

[Realitynut]

aaahhhhh....then i kept reading. It was YOUR birthday so she told you to sit your butt down. Or was that a different year.....

 

either way....she wanted help, but didn't go about it in a nice way.

 

So sad when families are this way. We have a brother that is estranged after my parents died. He didn't like how my sis was handling the will. Now we're a family divided.

[milly007]

This sucks. I'm sorry you're going through this, Seraphim.

 

Family dynamics are tough waters to navigate.

 

Sorry if this was already addressed but, is your SIL on her own? Does she have any support?

 

I can't imagine being in her position. It sounds like she's under a lot of stress. However, despite her stressful circumstances, this does not justify her treating loved ones with disrespect.

 

It's too bad your brother can't just call her, speak to her one-on-one, and see if she wants to talk, or at least ask her if everything's okay because she seemed stressed during your last visit. Is this even an option?

 

How does your husband feel about you saying something if things were to get heated again?

 

I hope you all get to the bottom of it, as these types of scenarios are not only uncomfortable, but really emotionally draining.

 

Sorry, I meant to write in my earlier post, "It's too bad your HUSBAND can't just call her...."

[Seraphim]

This sucks. I'm sorry you're going through this, Seraphim.

 

Family dynamics are tough waters to navigate.

 

Sorry if this was already addressed but, is your SIL on her own? Does she have any support?

 

I can't imagine being in her position. It sounds like she's under a lot of stress. However, despite her stressful circumstances, this does not justify her treating loved ones with disrespect.

 

It's too bad your brother can't just call her, speak to her one-on-one, and see if she wants to talk, or at least ask her if everything's okay because she seemed stressed during your last visit. Is this even an option?

 

How does your husband feel about you saying something if things were to get heated again?

 

I hope you all get to the bottom of it, as these types of scenarios are not only uncomfortable, but really emotionally draining.

No, she doesn’t have any support. But she was raised with her dad telling her that nobody was good enough for her . I have known her since she was 17 . And she is now 47. When we were all at university I told her to find somebody like I had ,at University . And she said oh no daddy tells me that there’s nobody good enough for me . 🙄

 

She went on a date once ,at her parent’s house . I think my son was like three years old at the time and me and my son and my husband were sent to the basement . And the date and her were upstairs with her parents in the living room and we got told we couldn’t come up . 🙄

 

So she has friends but no partner support . ( and believe me she’s jealous of her brother for that. And his parents have tried to drive me off for years . Only the past two years my mother-in-law has been nice to me because she doesn’t want to go to her death with me thinking she’s a jerk .

[Seraphim]

I was thinking the same thing. She may have been resentful that she was the only one doing the dishes. (was she?) and REALLY was resentful YOU weren't helping. Couldn't talk to you like that (with out getting her butt kicked....lol) so she rudely asked her brother to help...since she knew he wouldn't talk back!!!

 

She picks on her brother ,my husband , because she knows he’s the pacemaker . He respects his parents too much to fight . Plus, he has been the family Blacksheep since she was born . His dad believes girl should be treated like princesses and boys should just do as they are freaking told. And when my father-in-law had all his mental skills everything at their house was his way or the highway or get out. So my husband was raised in a very emotionally harsh environment by his dad . And sometimes physically hit. While his sister was called ,”dear darling B.” But my husband adores his father that is his hero .

 

No it was my birthday too we celebrate our birthdays together because his mother and I are 10 days apart . And we only come once in the month of November . We come to visit all our families about once every two months .

[Seraphim]

For whoever asked me what my husband wants me to do he wants me to keep my mouth shut and stay out of it . He wants to have a loving relationship with his parents and if I fight with his sister or he fights with his sister we will be thrown out never to return . And funny she only pull this crap when her mother was out of the room . And her dad doesn’t have enough of his mind left to know what’s going on because if he did he would’ve put an end to it .

 

Plus our child can’t handle any kind of confrontation . He’s an adult now but he still can’t handle it . When she started he stood up and just kept repeating it’s time to go it’s time to go it’s time to go it’s time to go .

[Seraphim]

Also it’s not that we haven’t looked after his parents. Last year when my MIL decided the doctors were stupid and she wasn’t taking her blood pressure pills and ended up in the hospital for weeks . I went down there and looked after my father-in-law for a week after my sister-in-law didn’t tell anybody what was going on for three weeks and was looking after her dad and then phoned my husband screaming and swearing at him but haven’t let us know what was happening. My husband was out of country with the military at the time . When he came home he also went down for a week to look after his dad so that she could go to work . I had just spent two weeks at my mother’s looking after my mother because she had a total knee replacement .

 

This year my husband also asked special permission to go and look after his dad for a week while his mother had the mastectomy .

 

They were also not very good grandparents to their only grandchild ,my son . My father-in-law said bring him back when he doesn’t have a diaper, bottles and he can talk. And at their request we used to spend overnight with them at Christmas but the year my son was born my father-in-law woke me and my son up at 6 AM and drove us home because my son at three months old had the nerve to cry at night .I was disgusting because I should’ve been bottlefeeding not breast-feeding and he would’ve slept all night and not woken him up . And before anybody thinks he was working,no my father-in-law had been retired for five years when my son was born . And my mother-in-law had been retired for three years .

[Seraphim]

Another special note, when my husband was in the hospital after he had cut his wrists when he was in his 30s his father said Mental Health is bull crap ,just get on with it . And he said we don’t deal with this crap and hung up on me and nobody went and saw my husband in the hospital, not his sister and not his parents .

 

When I was on bed rest for 4 months so I didn’t miscarry one of our children and my husband was posted elsewhere for two years in any of them come to help me ? No not once. All my mother-in-law said , “you have a mother don’t you ?” I was only to get out of bed to go to the bathroom and the occasional shower. And I had a 9 year old to look after. Plus my husband had knee surgery at the same time and they refused to go pick him up at his post and I had to drive to pick him up and lost our baby . My mother-in-law said it was for the best you looked horrible anyway and couldn’t do anything .

[catfeeder]

My heart goes out to you. Husband can call sis aside and say, "You sound angry. What can I do to help?" This puts the onus on SIL to either come up with something or be neutralized--or otherwise flip to the degree that you're positioned to offer actual help in response. Otherwise, "If you won't accept my help, it makes no sense to be angry with me. What will you allow me to do to help?"