Rude as hell SIL

[Seraphim]

My heart goes out to you. Husband can call sis aside and say, "You sound angry. What can I do to help?" This puts the onus on SIL to either come up with something or be neutralized--or otherwise flip to the degree that you're positioned to offer actual help in response. Otherwise, "If you won't accept my help, it makes no sense to be angry with me. What will you allow me to do to help?"

I could ask him to help out when he is there. After her hissy fit I loaded the cake dishes and we left.

[catfeeder]

I could ask him to help out when he is there. After her hissy fit I loaded the cake dishes and we left.

 

Sure, and you can see this as macrocosm of the larger issue. Husband may want to point out that it makes no sense to hold 'generalized' anger toward him when he wants to help relieve some of her pressure, so she doesn't need to bottle up resentment toward him.

 

Her perceptions of his desire to help may not be the same as his. She may have viewed any prior offers in a different light than intended. That's the angle to consider when you can tell that someone is angry. Letting them know that you can sense their anger and want to help can be uncomfortable because it can bring out the onslaught of rage--but then the real source of the problem is uncovered and can be dealt with--as long as the recipient of the rage can keep his or her head.

 

So being 'curious not furious' is the best approach, along with avoiding defensiveness when the source of rage is revealed. She may fling an accusation, such as husband wanting to control something-or-other, and rather than defending, husband can indulge her with surprise, "I honestly had no idea that you viewed my offer that way, and I'm so sorry. I only want to help, and I'd consider it a personal favor if you'd please let me know how YOU might want me to do that..."

[Seraphim]

Sure, and you can see this as macrocosm of the larger issue. Husband may want to point out that it makes no sense to hold 'generalized' anger toward him when he wants to help relieve some of her pressure, so she doesn't need to bottle up resentment toward him.

 

Her perceptions of his desire to help may not be the same as his. She may have viewed any prior offers in a different light than intended. That's the angle to consider when you can tell that someone is angry. Letting them know that you can sense their anger and want to help can be uncomfortable because it can bring out the onslaught of rage--but then the real source of the problem is uncovered and can be dealt with--as long as the recipient of the rage can keep his or her head.

 

So being 'curious not furious' is the best approach, along with avoiding defensiveness when the source of rage is revealed. She may fling an accusation, such as husband wanting to control something-or-other, and rather than defending, husband can indulge her with surprise, "I honestly had no idea that you viewed my offer that way, and I'm so sorry. I only want to help, and I'd consider it a personal favor if you'd please let me know how YOU might want me to do that..."

 

See, my husband has issues with knowing what needs to be done. He has always been this way . With his ADHD he needs a detailed list and directions. He is not going to jump up and look around for something to do. Plus he was always treated as a guest at his parent’s house wether he lived there or not. She just wants him to guess what needs doing and just get up and do it. He doesn’t do this for me either. He needs a detailed list. As he has told me: I am not a mind reader, tell me, in detail and I will do it. She wants a mind reader. He is also a man of few words, scholarly who loves to read like his dad. He works 3 jobs and is exhausted and needs his down time too. His day goes from 5 AM 9 PM some days. I just started a new home daycare from 6:30 AM to 5 PM. Plus, I work a job at night and volunteer. She acts like we have nothing to do. And they added two secondary Military duties onto his primary job. And he is on the Mess Executive and works in our base Youth Centre at night and volunteers and has his own grass and snow removal business. Plus we have our son most likely forever. She has no kids and never will. We will also be adopting our toddler great nephew. They want nothing thing to do with him because they don’t believe in adoption.

[catfeeder]

See, my husband has issues with knowing what needs to be done. He has always been this way . With his ADHD he needs a detailed list and directions. He is not going to jump up and look around for something to do. Plus he was always treated as a guest at his parent’s house wether he lived there or not. She just wants him to guess what needs doing and just get up and do it. He doesn’t do this for me either. He needs a detailed list. As he has told me: I am not a mind reader, tell me, in detail and I will do it. She wants a mind reader. He is also a man of few words, scholarly who loves to read like his dad. He works 3 jobs and is exhausted and needs his down time too. His day goes from 5 AM 9 PM some days. I just started a new home daycare from 6:30 AM to 5 PM. Plus, I work a job at night and volunteer. She acts like we have nothing to do. And they added two secondary Military duties onto his primary job. And he is on the Mess Executive and works in our base Youth Centre at night and volunteers and has his own grass and snow removal business. Plus we have our son most likely forever. She has no kids and never will. We will also be adopting our toddler great nephew. They want nothing thing to do with him because they don’t believe in adoption.

 

I get it. It's not easy for anyone to know how to jump into someone else's 'show' to pitch in. I was addressing the bigger picture: you've said that SIL and MIL live 3 hours away and SIL has refused your and husband's offers to pitch in to help with MIL's overall care.

 

That's the core issue that was shut down at the start of your thread. You made a broad statement that there's no going there, but whatever has happened around that has made SIL furious with her brother.

 

Husband may want to contact SIL and say, "I can tell that you're angry with me, and I really want to know how I can help to make things better for you and better between us." Then just listen.

 

If she rants and raves and accuses, just let her get it out. Don't get defensive, because that deprives you of valuable information about how to resolve the real problem.

 

Your takeaway from prior attempts at offering help is likely much different than SIL's. She may have shut down certain offers because she interpreted them as attempts to control. So draw out her real needs, learn what those are, and learn from SIL the ways in which she would accept some help.

 

If SIL won't cooperate within the confines of that convo, don't react with defensiveness and say, "See? We want to help and you won't let us." Leave the door open. Tell her that you can appreciate how hard things are for her, and your offer to help remains open if she would like to assign you something or toss some ideas around--she doesn't need to go it alone.

 

No matter how angry and ridiculous she gets, just remind her that your door is open if she changes her mind or feels any differently going forward.

 

That's your key to a foundational stance whenever you see her. You can't be made to feel like guilty recipients of pent up rage when you remain open and willing to offer help at all times. This gives you the opportunity at every confrontation to say, "We want to help you, so it makes no sense to be angry with us when you can express to us, instead, what it is that you want us to do."

 

My heart goes out to you and husband. ((HUG)))

[Seraphim]

I get it. It's not easy for anyone to know how to jump into someone else's 'show' to pitch in. I was addressing the bigger picture: you've said that SIL and MIL live 3 hours away and SIL has refused your and husband's offers to pitch in to help with MIL's overall care.

 

That's the core issue that was shut down at the start of your thread. You made a broad statement that there's no going there, but whatever has happened around that has made SIL furious with her brother.

 

Husband may want to contact SIL and say, "I can tell that you're angry with me, and I really want to know how I can help to make things better for you and better between us." Then just listen.

 

If she rants and raves and accuses, just let her get it out. Don't get defensive, because that deprives you of valuable information about how to resolve the real problem.

 

Your takeaway from prior attempts at offering help is likely much different than SIL's. She may have shut down certain offers because she interpreted them as attempts to control. So draw out her real needs, learn what those are, and learn from SIL the ways in which she would accept some help.

 

If SIL won't cooperate within the confines of that convo, don't react with defensiveness and say, "See? We want to help and you won't let us." Leave the door open. Tell her that you can appreciate how hard things are for her, and your offer to help remains open if she would like to assign you something or toss some ideas around--she doesn't need to go it alone.

 

No matter how angry and ridiculous she gets, just remind her that your door is open if she changes her mind or feels any differently going forward.

 

That's your key to a foundational stance whenever you see her. You can't be made to feel like guilty recipients of pent up rage when you remain open and willing to offer help at all times. This gives you the opportunity at every confrontation to say, "We want to help you, so it makes no sense to be angry with us when you can express to us, instead, what it is that you want us to do."

 

My heart goes out to you and husband. ((HUG)))

 

Thanks. It will be up to him. He is not defensive at all even when she is screaming and swearing. I stay out of it because I will be defensive. He told me to let him deal with it. I know though if my brother did that to me he would want to punch him across the room.

 

The sad part is she is getting rude and nasty with her parents too but no one wants to get any help. We even offered to set everything up. Even Senoirs helping seniors, but, NOPE.

[Seraphim]

She wants HIM to help . We would have to pay a hotel for him every single time. We would be broke in no time. Even if he went 2 times a month, it would be $600 a month for him to give her a break. That is about $7000 a year for him to give her a break.

[smackie9]

Why doesn't he sleep on the couch? is there not a guest room?

[Seraphim]

Why doesn't he sleep on the couch? is there not a guest room?

No, guest room. They sold their house five years ago and moved to a 700 square-foot mini condo . And they have a loveseat which my husband would never fit on .

 

And his sister won’t allow him to stay at her apartment .