Another first date - how not to screw up (again)

[bbogdanov]

Don't get angry and impatient unless you want to end this. Yes, devices can appear "online" and yes, some people go to sleep at 10 pm. Stop crowding her and being demanding and possessive. Do you wish to undermine this? Are you looking for a way out?

 

Of course I don't want to end it, maybe it's subconscious, a self-sabotage or something like that. But I am still suspicious, I wonder what can you do in a messaging app in the middle of the night...

[bbogdanov]

It sounds as if you’re smothering her. Take a step back. Sending three consecutive messages and constantly checking to see her activity are obsessive behaviours. Not to mention sometimes when a person received a message the app will say they are active. It doesn’t necessarily mean she is online. You need to stop giving in to your impulses so readily. Learn to say no to yourself when you want to do some obsessive behaviour. For example most of us are addicted to our phones somewhat. I have decided to limit checking my phone to once an hour. Saying no to yourself is not easy, but with time it gets easier. Your will power is like a muscle that needs to be exercised to grow stronger. So when you feel the urge to check her activity or send her another message say no to yourself. With time your obsessive behaviours and urges will lessen. But the more you give in the stronger they become. Hope this helps.

 

Honestly, this is the first time I send several consecutive messages to her, I just panicked and as you note, it is an obsessive behaviour. I can't help but give in to it, I am trying but as time passes by, the urge worsens. I doubt that when you receive a message, the app says you are active. The app has to be opened in order for you to be registered as 'online'.

[boltnrun]

You are in no shape to date when you make a decision to deliberately sabotage when things have been going well.

 

You are TRYING to ruin this, actively looking for some thing to blame her for or get angry with her for. Yes, you are doing this on purpose.

 

I think you don't want a healthy relationship.

[frustrated1]

Honestly,I am trying but as time passes by, the urge worsens..

 

This is why I am suggesting you stop giving in to your impulses. By giving in you are strengthening them. It will be hard at first but just tell yourself no. It is an addiction that you need to kick.

[bbogdanov]

You are in no shape to date when you make a decision to deliberately sabotage when things have been going well.

 

You are TRYING to ruin this, actively looking for some thing to blame her for or get angry with her for. Yes, you are doing this on purpose.

 

I think you don't want a healthy relationship.

 

Doesn't sound logical to me. It's not deliberately, why do you think it is? I understand I keep making mistakes but I can't agree it's on purpose. Why would I do it?

[katrina1980]

Honestly, this is the first time I send several consecutive messages to her, I just panicked and as you note, it is an obsessive behaviour. I can't help but give in to it, I am trying but as time passes by, the urge worsens. I doubt that when you receive a message, the app says you are active. The app has to be opened in order for you to be registered as 'online'.

 

I don't get it -- you can't help but give in to it?

 

Are you telling us you are incapable of self-monitoring and have no self-control? How do you get on in life not having any self-control? Nevermind dating, just life?

 

Three consecutive messages is too much!! That right there would turn most women off.

 

If you feel anxious (or panicked) go for a run! Or learn other methods to alleviate anxiety.

 

As a mature, intelligent man, you must know that sending three messages in a row is too much, and then getting angry at her?

 

What was your thought process? Did you really think she would respond positively to that?

 

Once again you have allowed your anxieties and insecurities to drive the ship.

 

It's still early stages, not sure there is any coming back from this, I hope I'm wrong but she's done.

 

And no it's not her fault, it's not her suddenly losing interest for no apparent reason as you claim all the women you date do.

 

It's YOU exhibiting unhealthy behaviors that turn women off. Women who were very much into you, until you allowed your insecurities and anxieties to run the show.

 

I'm not sure there is much to advise except to seek professional help and learn ways to get a grip on anxieties, otherwise this will continue happening with every woman you like and date.

[figureitout23]

You are in no shape to date when you make a decision to deliberately sabotage when things have been going well.

 

You are TRYING to ruin this, actively looking for some thing to blame her for or get angry with her for. Yes, you are doing this on purpose.

 

I think you don't want a healthy relationship.

 

I’ve been saying that for the past 3(?) women?

 

B.B., In response to me you stated you couldn’t possibly stop dating to fix yourself because you would waste too much time not meeting anyone.

 

You have been wasting time this entire time, you have been wasting potential relationships, and doing more and more harm to your emotional wellbeing.

 

Reading your last response legit reminded me of the last guy I dated. I wrote a post about it, if you want to check my history. We got along swimmingly, awesome chemistry, has tons of fun but when we weren’t together it was obvious he became anxious because like you, he let his issues out via text messaging and it’s what chased me away.

 

It’s such a waste And let’s be completely honest if she happens to look past this you’ve already ended things. you’re going to find a reason to end it because a successful relationship scares you that much. you find comfort in your failures at this point.

[bbogdanov]

I am capable of self-monitoring but this self-control is something I lack to a large degree when it comes to dating. I am doing fine in life, just not in the area of intimate relationships, I guess. I knew three messages were too much, I knew it would turn most women off and so on. Yet I couldn't resist the urge, I just needed answers because this uncertainty makes me panic. I guess the outcome didn't even matter (did she really reject me or not), I just wanted to know what's happening. My thought process was getting worse by the hours. In such situations I become controlled by more basic needs (I don't know how to explain it) and my conscious mind (although knowing nothing good will come out of it) just gives way to the raw emotions and anxiety/panic. I didn't think she would respond positively, of course, but that didn't stop me from seeking an information that will help me calm down. Nowhere did I say it's her fault. And even more - I don't blame any woman I date that she loses interest for no apparent reason. I am just in fear that she may be, provoked by some actions of hers (it's just my interpretation of things, not a fact). And yes, I've got some unhealthy behaviours (maybe plenty of them). Does that mean I am not worthy enough for being someone's SO? Do I have to be perfect and not flawed in any way in order to be with a woman? I have much room for improvement but I am who I am, I hope there is a woman on earth that can be OK with that.

[bbogdanov]

I’ve been saying that for the past 3(?) women?

 

B.B., In response to me you stated you couldn’t possibly stop dating to fix yourself because you would waste too much time not meeting anyone.

 

You have been wasting time this entire time, you have been wasting potential relationships, and doing more and more harm to your emotional wellbeing.

 

Reading your last response legit reminded me of the last guy I dated. I wrote a post about it, if you want to check my history. We got along swimmingly, awesome chemistry, has tons of fun but when we weren’t together it was obvious he became anxious because like you, he let his issues out via text messaging and it’s what chased me away.

 

It’s such a waste And let’s be completely honest if she happens to look past this you’ve already ended things. you’re going to find a reason to end it because a successful relationship scares you that much. you find comfort in your failures at this point.

 

I don't want to end things. In fact it's the opposite. Why would I then fear her rejecting me and send her couple of messages? I don't see the logic behind that. I do want a successful relationship. Maybe I want it so badly that I panic at the slightest hint of her ignoring me (or anything that makes me think that things will go south and I will lose her).

[reinventmyself]

I don't want to end things. In fact it's the opposite. Why would I then fear her rejecting me and send her couple of messages? I don't see the logic behind that. I do want a successful relationship. Maybe I want it so badly that I panic at the slightest hint of her ignoring me (or anything that makes me think that things will go south and I will lose her).

 

I understand how you feel and at the same time, had you called me several times and challenged my integrity, we'd be done.

 

You are trying to control the situation and what you need to understand is that you do not have any control over it.

You admit you are giving into impulses and the lack control over them. But you do have choice. You can choose to do it differently.

 

I can remember a time I was really insecure. If I hadn't heard from someone and it was making me anxious, I deleted his number to lesson the temptation of reaching out and regretting doing something silly like you just did. Remember, you are not a mind reader and you do not know she was lying. You are assuming.

 

You need to practice sitting tight and just having faith that they would reach out to you. Even if it's uncomfortable

And they almost always do. Now you've done a preemptive strike that you can't take back.

 

I often felt silly for how worked up I would get over not hearing from them when I thought they should have. But that was my interpretation. Theirs is different.

 

What helped the most was that I took a break from dating. I spent time in therapy, I cultivated my friendships, I learned to enjoy my own company. After a period of time doing this, I went back into the dating world and noticed dating was that much easier. I had a solid foundation of self esteem and faith. A man's attention was nice but it didn't rock me if it not reciprocated.

 

Your reactions to this and your other dating experiences have very little to with her or the other women. It begins and ends with you.

[bbogdanov]

Everything is fine for now. We had a dinner this evening and cleared the misunderstanding. Next time I freak out I will give you my address to come and beat me up

[reinventmyself]

Everything is fine for now. We had a dinner this evening and cleared the misunderstanding. Next time I freak out I will give you my address to come and beat me up

Seriously!

 

I had a friend that used to do stuff like this. The difference was she was going thru an ugly breakup and she could not resist contacting him and creating all sorts of unnecessary drama. He was equally ridiculous and would play along.

 

I told her I would be her break up buddy. Every time she felt the urge to act out, I had her promise to call me first. No matter what time.

 

Come here and vent first next time. . or call a friend.

At the very least, promise yourself you will wait 30 mins before doing anything.

 

glad to hear you had a good talk and nice evening.

[Jibralta]

duplicate.......

[Jibralta]

A little update: 5 dates later and I still don't know where I stand with her Spending time with her is great, the conversations are deep (we seem to be on the same intellectual level), we kiss, hold hands, call each other sweet names etc. (had sex, too). Yet I am still too insecure and feel a lot of pressure (coming from myself). I am constantly worrying about not screwing things up, imagine her suddenly making a 180-degree turn, losing this "opportunity" and so on. All this is gained since my last serious relationship ended (2 years ago) and afterwards while dating different women and experiencing a whole range of negative events. I became completely different person and I just don't know how/if I will be able to be in a relationship anymore...

 

It's understandable that you are anxious. But don't let that stop you from being yourself. Maybe it will last; maybe it won't. Worst case scenario: it's practice. And the more practice you have, the less anxiety will overtake you. Just try to relax and have fun as much as possible.

 

And yes, I've got some unhealthy behaviours (maybe plenty of them). Does that mean I am not worthy enough for being someone's SO? Do I have to be perfect and not flawed in any way in order to be with a woman? I have much room for improvement but I am who I am, I hope there is a woman on earth that can be OK with that.

 

Of course you are worthy, and of course there are such women. Everyone experiences anxiety and it makes asses out of all of us. Plenty of people understand this and aren't freaked out by it. She may be one of these.

 

Everything is fine for now. We had a dinner this evening and cleared the misunderstanding. Next time I freak out I will give you my address to come and beat me up

[bbogdanov]

Seriously!

 

I had a friend that used to do stuff like this. The difference was she was going thru an ugly breakup and she could not resist contacting him and creating all sorts of unnecessary drama. He was equally ridiculous and would play along.

 

I told her I would be her break up buddy. Every time she felt the urge to act out, I had her promise to call me first. No matter what time.

 

Come here and vent first next time. . or call a friend.

At the very least, promise yourself you will wait 30 mins before doing anything.

 

glad to hear you had a good talk and nice evening.

 

Thanks! I hope there won't be a "next time" but knowing myself, I am not so optimistic : D

 

I am now more relaxed as we discussed everything last evening and she is really an empathetic person. She told me that she has her insecurities (obviously not as much as I do) but I see that she is more advanced (if I can say so) in her emotional development and she is more emotionally intelligent. She reassured me that if some day she decides to break things up she will tell me, no need for me to freak out and assume the worst when I don't hear from her for couple of hours : D

 

We are even joking about my flaws and she is calling me "my insecure boy"

 

She admitted that yesterday she'd had her freak out moment when a couple of messages sent to me turned out to be not delivered and the subsequent phone call was rejected by the network. She thought I'd blocked her and panicked only to realize a moment later that she'd not paid her phone bill and that was the reason

 

I hope we can support each other and grow as a couple, it seems everyone has its own problems (I've got the bigger ones, definitely : D) but I like her and I want to proceed forward.

[Jibralta]

She sounds like a pretty cool person.

[Morello]

I'm sorry but you identified a (big) problem with yourself but I don't see you taking any steps towards fixing it.

 

You're just acknowledging it, almost helplessly, like there's nothing you can do about it. If you keep going like that and don't try to get help, it's just a matter of time before she gets tired of your insecurities.

[reinventmyself]

I think its brave and vulnerable to admit to your faults someone. She seems very empathetic and sincere.

Just remember, it's your job to manage your insecurities, not hers.

 

Just because you had a nice talk dont keep going back to her for reassurance.

It's your work to do.

 

Good luck BB

[bbogdanov]

I'm sorry but you identified a (big) problem with yourself but I don't see you taking any steps towards fixing it.

 

You're just acknowledging it, almost helplessly, like there's nothing you can do about it. If you keep going like that and don't try to get help, it's just a matter of time before she gets tired of your insecurities.

 

I am trying to find a way to deal with it. Sometimes I realy feel helpless but I continue searching for information and advices. I won't give up, I am just struggling at the moment. And I was going to councelling last year, maybe it is a good idea for the future because I haven't got enough money for it now.

[bbogdanov]

I think its brave and vulnerable to admit to your faults someone. She seems very empathetic and sincere.

Just remember, it's your job to manage your insecurities, not hers.

 

Just because you had a nice talk dont keep going back to her for reassurance.

It's your work to do.

 

Good luck BB

 

I told her in the beginning that I have some insecurities and they have nothing to do with her (of course), it's just my bad experience and baggage. She told me she had her own ones (everybody has more or less of them) and I didn't have to be anxious about it. I do know that it's my job managing my problems. I don't want to use her for reassurance, it just happened and she sincerely wanted to calm me down and make sure I don't think that she's going to bail out any moment. In fact I really didn't feel OK that she had to do it, it made me feel like a little child (not that it's not soothing, it just makes me feel less of a man maybe). After all I don't want her to take on a mission to deal with my insecurities

[Batya33]

I can relate and as long as you don’t make this a habit it should be fine. Even if she’s nice about it doesn’t mean it’s also not a turn off or cause for concern. Again once is fine. Hope things continue to go well.

[bbogdanov]

That’s what I was afraid of, too. That it’s a turn off and that it can make her become cold toward me. I don’t intend to make it a habit, of course. I just hope it will be forgotten and I have not made an irreversible damage. It seems everything is fine, so I have to be cautious to not do it again. I doubt there will be a second chance for that.

[Batya33]

That’s what I was afraid of, too. That it’s a turn off and that it can make her become cold toward me. I don’t intend to make it a habit, of course. I just hope it will be forgotten and I have not made an irreversible damage. It seems everything is fine, so I have to be cautious to not do it again. I doubt there will be a second chance for that.

 

You wouldn't make her become cold. She might feel overwhelmed by your neediness if it is a regular kind of thing. I don't think you should be concerned about once and certainly asking for reassurance about other areas of your life is fine, just not constant "do you love me" kind of stuff.

[katrina1980]

 

We are even joking about my flaws and she is calling me "my insecure boy."

 

 

Okay JMO but this is not a healthy dynamic. How do you feel about that "nickname" she has given you?

 

Re your dynamic, is she the more dominant one in the RL, and you the more passive?

 

If so, I suppose that nickname makes more sense, but in general it sounds a bit degrading and disrespectful of you as a man.

But if you're not bothered by it, then heck who am I to judge.

 

Enjoy bbog, and as others have said, whenever you begin to feel anxious, post/vent HERE!

[Batya33]

Okay JMO but this is not a healthy dynamic. How do you feel about that "nickname" she has given you?

 

Re your dynamic, is she the more dominant one in the RL, and you the more passive?

 

If so, I suppose that nickname makes more sense, but in general it sounds a bit degrading and disrespectful of you as a man.

But if you're not bothered by it, then heck who am I to judge.

 

Enjoy bbog, and as others have said, whenever you begin to feel anxious, post/vent HERE!

 

OK I didn't see that. That is infantilizing and offensive. It's worse than women who insist on calling their husbands one of their "boys" because they also have a male child . Ick. I would keep an eye on how she regards you -is it with admiration and respect and desire?