Required actions when beginning Exclusive

[DancingFool]

I think you could be right. That’s kinda why I’m here asking the question ... if two people agree to go exclusive, is it normal for me to require profiles hidden AND Just as important severing other relationships. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t say or do anything mean. Really the only choice I see here is do I accept the situation and move forward w her, or would I be some kind of weirdo if I decide those are deal breakers if not met. I see at as take it or leave it, not try to force her to do anything.

 

I think explicit communication is very important on things a partner would have a right to know. I don’t need to know where she is or who she’s with all the time. I totally encourage her to do things with her friends, etc. im totally a trusting sort - so long as I hear actual words. Im not keen on assumptions.

 

Well, I think that just two weeks in, asking for exclusivity is just too much too soon and you'll find that a lot of people are going to be a bit dubious and resistant to that. If you are asking, she likely feels rushed and pushed and thus the discomfort. However, if she is pushing you to be exclusive but then won't take her profile down, I think that's a red flag for you - something stinks rotten in that case.

 

In general, so early on, you really should be operating as you wish and kind of wait on the other person to catch up. The reality of dating is that people will move forward at different paces and it's a good idea to be a little patient rather than knee jerking. Like I said in my previous post, I'd only get concerned that his profile is still up if it's 2-3 months in. A couple of weeks of dating and honestly, I wouldn't even consider having any exclusivity conversations at all. At this point, you two really should just be looking forward to planning another fun date and getting to know each other a little better rather than already having conflict and confusion where she is calling you controlling, you are calling her nuts, and then posting on the boards to check your sanity and what exclusivity means. That alone is kind of a red flag that maybe things aren't working as they normally should.

[Hollyj]

All of this is too much. I still can't get over the 10 dates in two weeks.

 

If she has agreed to be exclusive and does not hide profile, it would be a deal breaker for me.

[Wiseman2]

Many people have the exclusive conversation before having sex. Unfortunately she saw him while seeing you, which is common in the beginning. Pull back and stop this discussion.

 

If she wants 'casual dating', then step out of the circus. But do not try to convince her of anything as if this were a relationship.

 

Perhaps she thinks you are 'mansplaining' this concept of exclusive to her and she's jumping up and down that 'you're controlling'. But then again why have a debate about the semantics of what is/isn't exclusive? No gloom and doom intended but you two are not off to a good start.

After about 10 dates in a two week period of time we decided to go exclusive. She agreed to go exclusive with me. they had their date about a week ago.

[invisibleDog]

Hey everyone thanks for your thoughts. This is my first post here so I think I might not have worded the original post very well.

 

How fast we got into the relationship is not my area of concern. But totally ok for you to comment on or like to discuss, this is an advice forum after all.

 

I just wanted a reality check. In a scenario where two people agree to go exclusive, is it reasonable that one of the people would want both to agree to tell other people goodbye? I’m totally on board with doing exactly as I’d expect from my partner.

 

It seemed like a no brained to me. But she’s resisted but insists she’s really into me. Like others have said, seems like a mixed message. I also agree I should treat this like take it or leave it. I’m not trying to beat her into doing anything.

[katrina1980]

Just stay true to yourself and your own values. If her values and standards, w/r/t exclusivity or anything else, don't align with yours, especially this early in, best to wish her well and be on your merry way.

 

These early stages are to date and observe to determine if someone is right for us long time.

 

Your call, but for me, this very much would be a dealbreaker. Not suggesting what she's doing is wrong, just not right for me.

But then again, as I said, I wait a bit longer than two weeks to become exclusive, to allow us both time to spend getting to know each other and evaluating if we're a good fit for exclusivity and beyond..

 

Once we decide to move forward, profiles come down and we focus on only each other, for however long it lasts, another, week, month, year, or possibly forever!

[invisibleDog]

I agree. Total red flags. I just hate to be too locked in on my own idea of normal or closed minded to what could be different but not necessarily bad.

[boltnrun]

I think what got me was the wording of your thread title..."REQUIRED actions". Required by whom? For whom? Does one half of the couple get to decide what is "required"?

 

For me, better would be to agree on actions...not for one person to decree what is "required".

 

My ex husband "required" for his wife to be obedient and submissive (something he withheld from me until after the ceremony). Note I said EX husband...he didn't feel it was a topic on which any input from me, his wife, was "required".

[katrina1980]

I agree. Total red flags. I just hate to be too locked in on my own idea of normal or closed minded to what could be different but not necessarily bad.

 

I don't think what she's doing is necessarily "bad," or "wrong." Or even a red flag per se. I mean for you it's a red flag, because it doesn't align with your values, but may not be a red flag for someone else.

 

There is no wrong or right here, the question is -- is what she's doing, insisting on maintaining an active profile, right for you. Does it line up with your values and what exclusivity means to you.

You are the only person who gets to decide that. Not anyone else, including anonymous strangers on a message forum.

 

Again, no right or wrong, only what works for you..

 

It's good to remain open and flexible, while at the same time being true to yourself. Never compromise on that, it doesn't lead to anything good or positive, and I speak from experience when I say that.

[Batya33]

Hey everyone thanks for your thoughts. This is my first post here so I think I might not have worded the original post very well.

 

How fast we got into the relationship is not my area of concern. But totally ok for you to comment on or like to discuss, this is an advice forum after all.

 

I just wanted a reality check. In a scenario where two people agree to go exclusive, is it reasonable that one of the people would want both to agree to tell other people goodbye? I’m totally on board with doing exactly as I’d expect from my partner.

 

It seemed like a no brained to me. But she’s resisted but insists she’s really into me. Like others have said, seems like a mixed message. I also agree I should treat this like take it or leave it. I’m not trying to beat her into doing anything.

 

For me personally being exclusive means not dating or looking to date other people. Having an active online profile is keeping your options open/looking to date. Severing relationships -yes if those relationships involve dating other people and no if they do not.

[invisibleDog]

Severing relationships- yes you get it. I’m talking about a guy she dated a week ago who sent her a message yesterday. She hasn’t said goodbye to him. I’m struggling with just saying either : ok babe, as long as you’re telling me you’ll only see and talk to me, then fine. Or I could take the attitude... if you really dig someone it’s a no brained that you should be willing to formally sever relationships w other people you were talking with.

 

In my past that’s always been a given. I mean both parties agreed.

[Batya33]

Well no -I don't think she has to stop talking to anyone. She's just agreeing not to date anyone or look to date anyone. So if she wants to be friends with someone she dated that's fine. To me the boundaries would be that it's fine as long as you're given the opportunity to meet him and he is supportive of her relationship with you. My husband and I have always had platonic friends and some of them over the years were people we dated or had relationships with. Why would I stop being friend with someone just because I'm exclusive or married?

[catfeeder]

I'd tell GF that I adore her, but I think we jumped the gate on exclusivity. We've also discovered that we both hold different definitions of what exclusivity means. If she ever decides that she'd like to explore my idea of an exclusive relationship without keeping dating profiles up tp continue shopping for others, then she can let me know. If I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish her the best.

[LootieTootie]

It just sounds like she's not ready to board on the exclusive ship with you just yet... That's understandable but she needs to voice that and not give you mixed messages.

[shellyf62]

I'd tell GF that I adore her, but I think we jumped the gate on exclusivity. We've also discovered that we both hold different definitions of what exclusivity means. If she ever decides that she'd like to explore my idea of an exclusive relationship without keeping dating profiles up tp continue shopping for others, then she can let me know. If I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish her the best.

 

Totally agree with you.

 

I met & dated a guy for a little while, he told me that he would love to keep seeing me but wanted to keep his options open to any other ladies on the site we met on.

I told him I was not willing to do this, wished him luck & said goodbye.

He was still looking last time I checked out the site.

 

Some people are just big kids in candy stores.

[figureitout23]

Everyone has their own opinions on how fast exclusivity should and shouldn’t happen and I agree completely but if the woman said yes we’re exclusive but still wants to keep her options open there’s a disconnect. I agree with Kat right or wrong she’s not the girl for you.

 

FWIW, she wouldn’t be the girl for me either. She’s acting like online dating is as important than exploring something with you and it’s not, I’m a one man at a time girl though so I guess take my opinion on that fact. If you’re so busy worrying about your options you won’t see what’s right in front of your face, to me personally, that’s a huge red flag.