Feeling guilty and sad for my ex after we broke up

[Rockchick26]

It seems like fitting in with 20-somethings is very important to you. Almost all of your threads contain some statement that you look and act like a 20-something. I understand that media and advertisers portray youth and beauty as the most important things in life, but media and advertisers are trying to sell you something. 20-year olds don't actually run the world (although some may think they do!).

 

You're not going to get any younger, and your current group of 20-something friends will just get older. And then what will you do? Define yourself by how you relate better to 30-year olds than you do to 50-year olds? Say that you look 30? And then will you relate better to 40-year olds than you do to 60-year olds?

 

Or will you be a 50-year old, 60-year old, 70-year old who acts like a 20-year old for the rest of her life?

 

There is a lot of value in your own age group. You ought to get comfortable with it. Unless you plan to be the grandma at the music festival, you're going to have to deal with 40 one way or another.

 

lol this is ridiculous the way your thought process works. It isn't even that complicated. It isn't like i'm trying to fit in with 20 somethings because they look younger and I want to look younger. I look younger just because I take care of myself and strive for very little stress in my life and I am young at heart. I fit in with younger people because younger people tend to enjoy the things I enjoy and have the same lifestyle that I do, that is all. It isn't even 20-somethings only! I have just as many friends in their 30's! My ex before this recent one was 37! and there ARE grandmas at these music festivals and they also fit in with 20 somethings as well as every other age group that is there because everyone that is there fits in with everyone there because we're all the same kind of person.

[Rockchick26]

Agree, Jibralta. I actually find 35 and up much more interesting, distinguished, worldly, experienced, etc. Yes, not all of them are these things but the majority are.

 

Maybe where you live but where I live, 99% of people my age spend their time raising kids, sitting at home, going to church, and staying stuck in their lives not learning anything new or going anywhere. This is also how my parents were. They are just not like me in almost every way. I was always the black sheep, in my family and in society. Until, of course, I discovered these festivals and found my tribe that resonates with my vibe!

 

I would really wonder about someone who is desperate to keep trying to fit in with the 20 somethings when they are close to 50.

 

You have misunderstood completely. I am not desperate to fit in with any particular age group, I EFFORTLESSLY fit in with the people who are mostly younger. There are some older people in my group of friends but the vast majority of them are in their 20's and 30's. I think they just gravitate towards me because they think I am their age. I have dreadlocks and tattooes down both arms and I'm not overweight and I have no wrinkles or gray hair and I wear cute dresses and I am always at the front of the stage dancing for sometimes 12 hours straight. If you can find a 40 something that fits that description, send her my way, we'll be best buds!

[Rockchick26]

I think it's probably more comfortable probably to get along with younger people who are more impressionable and look up to the older person. Even the dynamics are different. The older person is the "mature, put together one" and assumes the role of the "mentor who's been there done that". I think it's similar to the "therapist-patient" relationships many people engage with by being with "broken people" and trying to fix them/act like a therapist.

 

I've been guilty of this, playing the therapist role to "broken men"... not in every case of course, but after some introspection I realised that my intentions weren't 100% genuine all of the time and that my ego thrived on this "power dynamic" of being the "wise", "put together one" that patiently listens and gives her advice expecting something in return. On my teenage years and early twenties it was the identity that I had created to myself in order to feel "special" and to deflect from my own issues. My ego was on fire but I wasn't getting any happier.

 

Maybe it's not the OP's case, but this emphasis on every thread about how she acts, looks and only gets along with the 20 somethings and how almost 100% of the people on her age group are a drag seems more like an identity that the OP created and gives her a sense of security, of meaning, of being special, of purpose. As I say this might not be the case, but this seems very important to the OP and a huge part of the identity she likes to present to the world.

 

You are misunderstanding too. I never said it's ONLY 20-somethings, I do have friends who are in their 50's. and my dynamics in my relationships and friendships are not like that where I am like a mentor to them. It's all equal. That is why things with my ex didnt work out because there was too much of that unequal dynamic between us. He is not one of my festival friends though, so his age and mine not working out was an anomaly, he was nothing at all like the other younger people I know. And the only reason presenting my identity to the world accurately is important to me is so that I can attract the right people. I fully realize the boyfriends I have had were not in line with who I am as a person, especially this last one. I have had many friends recently say this guy wasn't right for me, they could see it, and one guy even told me "I bet 100 guys here would want to date you." (He was trying to make me realize my guy wasn't a good match for me because he isn't into the festival scene like us). I know that sounds cultish but when you think about it, most interests and hobbies have their enthusiasts that just don't fit in with people who don't enjoy the same thing.

[Rockchick26]

I wonder if it's a chicken-egg thing too. Her interests are in those music festivals -some speculation on my part but don't those appeal more to younger people (I could be wrong, just my sense). So if that's her interest then she's bound to interact more with younger people but then I would wonder whether part of the appeal is having the older person role and how she feels being accepted by younger people.

 

Yes the median age at my music festivals is probably 25-30, some are babies and some are 70 but the majority are late 20's. and no I don't go to them so that I can be accepted by them, I go to them because they are exactly what I've been searching for my entire life, they are what was missing. I grew up with the same limited number of friends and all we did was get drunk on weekends and go to the movie theater and have parties. That was literally my life until i was like 42. I didn't drink much anymore by that age though, but i still had the same friends or even less, (as they would drop off by getting married and having kids=having less in common with me). So I was just drifting though life feeling a huge loss of something but I didn't know what it was. All my interests and hobbies I had to enjoy alone because all but one friend wasn't into them and even that friend and I have many differences but he was the only one I had so that was pretty much how my life was for 2 decades. Then I discovered these festivals and I was home. They even call it "home" because everyone who discovers this place and these festivals feels like they are finally home for the first time in their lives. Most people who go there for the first time, their lives are changed. Except for my ex, who didn't fit in because he isn't ready to grow as a person, which is fine, I am glad that incident happened (him leaving the festival early) because up until then he was pretty much just pretending to like them. Anyway, my point is this festival life changed my life, it gave me life, it gave life meaning. All of the best times of my life I have had at these festivals, not getting drunk in some bar in a small town or the same friends house i've been going to for years. For the first time in my life I finally felt alive and I finally felt like I wasn't alone! I am getting teary eyed now thinking about it, and I'm so excited for the last festival of the season in 2 weeks!!

 

When I was in my 20s I loved having older people as friends but more in the mentor capacity and I think we both knew that and that was the focus. As we got older and stayed in touch of course the age difference matters less (meaning, as I got older). I also think it matters why the two people want that sort of relationship. Mentoring by older women of younger women is fantastic if it stays in that role. And certainly age might not matter at all in certain friendships or relationships.

 

When I was in my 20's, I also had a few older women as friends who acted as my mentors. But I never dated anyone older because to me they were more like uncles than someone I could date. I guess that's still how I feel about older men. And guys my age look older than me so I feel like they are older because of that too.

[katrina1980]

RC, I'm actually wondering why you're surprised, or hurt, or whatever you're feeling that he cut you off the way he did.

 

I mean you are certainly entitled to your feelings, just curious why you feel the way you do, you seem quite upset to say the least!

 

Going back to your thread in Dec about him, my goodness this guy was WEIRD! I don't want to get into what went down on that thread, but his behavior was literally all over the place, just reading about it was making ME crazy!

 

It also suggested some serious mental issues which apparently you were aware of. Not to mention his immature and detached behavior throughout your relationship.

 

So serious question, why are you so surprised now? You had plenty of fair warning that this would be the most likely outcome after it ended.

 

He's detached. He's emotionally unavailable. He's self-centered. He's extremely immature (and not due to his age). And the list goes on. He has always been this way, you have spent 18 pages telling us he's always been this way!

 

So as the mature responsible 46 year old woman you claim to be, my advice would be to (1) take responsibility for your own role in the demise and that you chose to stay despite obvious red flags, which is on you and you alone and (2) rise above the BS, and block and delete him yourself, not just from your social media, but from you conscieneness.

 

Lay this to rest once and for all, and find your peace.

[bluecastle]

I think it's probably more comfortable probably to get along with younger people who are more impressionable and look up to the older person. Even the dynamics are different. The older person is the "mature, put together one" and assumes the role of the "mentor who's been there done that". I think it's similar to the "therapist-patient" relationships many people engage with by being with "broken people" and trying to fix them/act like a therapist.

 

I've been guilty of this, playing the therapist role to "broken men"... not in every case of course, but after some introspection I realised that my intentions weren't 100% genuine all of the time and that my ego thrived on this "power dynamic" of being the "wise", "put together one" that patiently listens and gives her advice expecting something in return. On my teenage years and early twenties it was the identity that I had created to myself in order to feel "special" and to deflect from my own issues. My ego was on fire but I wasn't getting any happier.

 

Maybe it's not the OP's case, but this emphasis on every thread about how she acts, looks and only gets along with the 20 somethings and how almost 100% of the people on her age group are a drag seems more like an identity that the OP created and gives her a sense of security, of meaning, of being special, of purpose. As I say this might not be the case, but this seems very important to the OP and a huge part of the identity she likes to present to the world.

 

Wise words here, and from Jibralta. Sadly they don’t seem to be resonating.

 

There is something intoxicating about the energy of 20somethings, just as there is something intoxicating about being in your 20s. You literally kind of feel drunk and confused by the whole life thing, a state that seems to appeal to you, OP, in midlife.

 

A 20something is technically an adult, but without any foundation of what adulthood is to measure experience against; your framework is still the turbulence of adolescence. You're still kind of trying on versions of yourself, seeing what sticks, shedding various husks at warp speed. Which is why most 20somethings, wether they're flipping burgers while stoned or creating the next world-dominating app, radiate the specific insecurity of feeling like imposters. It's why many 20somethings exhibit a certain stubbornness, reckless assertivness, and knee-jerk defensiveness; they're still trying to convince themselves that they are who they think they are. Everything feels so consequential (love! jobs! money! homes!) because it's new and fragile and you're not sure if it's going to become "real." You're desperate for some of it to stick so you can, like, you know, exhale.

 

By your 30s experience has invariably hardened into something less ephemeral, all the more so as you crest 40. You are who you are, still a work in progress but more of the glue has set. And that can be scary too! Your shortcomings, your habits, your patterns, your successes, your failures—they're harder to shrug off as a phase. The only way to change anything is to own it, fully, rather than to defend and assert and peacock. A 22 year old bartender can dream of being a 35 year old rock star; it's still cute and, who knows, might happen. A 35 year old bartender is a 35 year old bartender, and if he/she is still talking about his/her future as a rock star...well, it can seem kind of tragic or deluded.

 

Which brings us to romance, etc.

 

It is simply far easier for an older person to deny their shortcomings—the things about themselves that still trigger insecurity—when dating significantly younger and spending time primarily with people who are significantly younger. It's not a question of maturity. It's the reality of time. A deeply lost, deeply immature 40something has a much better shot of looking like a wise, deeply put-together soul to the 20something. The ego lights up, and for a time that fire might be bright enough to mask those thorny truths. I’m not saying it’s a dynamic that can’t work, or that it doesn’t have pluses. But anyone who denies it isn’t a specific dynamic, with specific power structures, with specific limitations, is not being fully honest.

 

I've certainly been there. It was awfully humbling (and freeing!) when I stopped telling myself I was dating mid-20s women (in my late 20, early 30s, late 30s) simply because I surf and ride motorcycles, don't have kids, have a “cool” job, low body fat, and give off a "boyish" vibe at 30, 35, and now 38. No, it was nice to have only strongest qualities reflected back to me by someone too lost in their own sauce to see my more vulnerable sides. But however "nice" that was, there were plenty of shortcomings, ways in which I was desperate to be seen and felt that just weren't happening. At a certain point that desperation demanded to be listened to.

 

I invite you, OP, to reflect on how often you've asserted your youthfulness here, how important that identity is for you, and how well it is truly serving your deepest desires. Frankly, nothing about your relationships with younger people sounds EFFORTLESS; it sounds like the exact opposite, in fact. Your romantic history as documented here sounds deeply fraught and unsatisfying, consisting of relationships that don’t hit the year mark and in which you are incredibly disappointed and thrown by the man in one way or another. Your friendships sound deeply fraught, in that you don’t feel seen and appreciated by many people close to you. And your stress-free life sounds very, very stressful. Your hunger to be seen and understood, not like the hunger of a 22 year old bartender, is almost rabid.

 

You’re big-hearted, spirited, zestful, kind, loving, and I take it you look good for your age, whatever that means to you. You have tattoos. You like to dance front row at a rock show. Great! Me too! But also great? Evolving out of the turmoil of 20something-dom, feeling deeply seen by friends and lovers, feeling genuinely calm and comfortable in your own skin, wrinkles or not.

 

I’m not sure where you are from, but I’ve spent my life in worlds in which your black sheep reality is pretty much the norm. My peer group (30s and 40s, with a dash of 20somethings) are tattooed, fit, into concerts, whatever. Some have kids, some don’t. Some have mortgages, some don’t. We don’t look like churchgoers, but we’re very accepting of being however old we are and by and large pretty thrilled to not be 22 anymore. As someone who also skews “young,” I can still have a blast drinking and dancing with 20somethings, as well as engaging in dynamic and whimsical conversations about life, as I’ll always be a hungry searcher at heart. But when I need to be felt and seen on that plane where the heart warms and beats a little slower...well, I find that’s when I need to own my station in life and seek out those closer to me on the ride.

 

We all want to be seen, felt, heard, understood. We all deserve it. Your hunger for it is palpable. We're just offering some words to maybe make it a bit easier.

[Rockchick26]

I'm not so sure you broke his heart though. I think he was just as ready to end things as you were so why not just consider it a "mutual breakup" wherein he has no interests in being demoted to just friends which would explain his going zero contact with you?

 

No he wanted to be with me, over the 8 months we were together he was the one who brought up marriage, living together, getting a pet together, me being his soulmate, him being happier than he's ever been, being afraid to lose me, etc. He even told me about a month ago he had some insecurities about losing me. Then 2 weeks before our breakup we had that whole festival incident and discussion (not really a discussion, just him talking at me and not listening to my replies) and he said he still wanted to be with me. Then during our breakup talk he said "I thought we were gonna work things out?"

[Rockchick26]

I didn't see in that article you quoted that both of the parties in the relationship MUST have a post breakup discussion or they can't move on in a healthy way.

 

No it was just about why you feel sad even when you wanted the breakup to happen.

[Rockchick26]

RC, I'm actually wondering why you're surprised, or hurt, or whatever you're feeling that he cut you off the way he did.

 

I mean you are certainly entitled to your feelings, just curious why you feel the way you do, you seem quite upset to say the least!

 

Going back to your thread in Dec about him, my goodness this guy was WEIRD! I don't want to get into what went down on that thread, but his behavior was literally all over the place, just reading about it was making ME crazy!

 

If also suggested some serious mental issues which apparently you were aware of. Not to mention his immature and detached behavior throughout your relationship.

 

So serious question, why are you so surprised now? You had plenty of fair warning that this would be the most likely outcome after it ended.

 

He's detached. He's emotionally unavailable. He's self-centered. He's extremely immature (and not due to his age). And the list goes on. He has always been this way, you have spent 18 pages telling us he's always been this way!

 

To be fair, he got better as time went on. In the beginning he sometimes chose his friends over me, or talked about doing things together and then not doing them...but those issues were all in the very beginning. He got a LOT better after we had been together for a few months, which is what I thought would happen, that's why I stuck it out. He eventually started trying to make plans with me almost every chance he could, even taking a few days off work unexpectedly just to hang out at my house. He even played video games less to hang out at my house, although here we just watched tv, something else I don't like doing much, but at least he was spending more time with me. He told me once "I have been needing more (my name) time...I feel like seeing you once a week isn't enough anymore." He even went with me to my moms house twice, something in the beginning he seemed like he had no interest in doing. And remember, and this is huge; I started that post about him BEFORE we were even in a relationship. Our official date we started dating was Dec. 28th and I made that post on Dec. 24th. So I never updated the thread or posted again about our relationship because it wasn't a problem anymore, things got better once we were officially in a relationship.

 

So as the mature responsible 46 year old woman you claim to be, my advice would be to (1) take responsibility for your own role in the demise and that you chose to stay despite obvious red flags, which is on you and you alone and (2) rise above the BS, and block and delete him yourself, not just from your social media, but from you conscieneness.

 

Lay this to rest once and for all, and find your peace.

 

Well most of his red flags went away after we officially became a couple in an actual relationship. and like I said, things got better, i was pretty damn happy for the first 4 months, and even then my doubts that crept in weren't taking up my entire thought process, because he was still a good boyfriend, we were just not fitting into each others lives like we both tried so hard to do. And his self centeredness didn't really start bothering me until about 6 or 7 months in. Staying in a relationship is a complicated thing, you have to get to that breaking point where you are tipped over the edge, and because of all his good points, it just took longer to get to that breaking point. I don't regret staying with him that long so I feel like there is nothing to take responsibility for, it was what it was and I was fine with it.

[Jibralta]

It isn't like i'm trying to fit in with 20 somethings because they look younger and I want to look younger.

 

I actually never said anything remotely close to this statement. It's a funny idea, though...You would definitely be doing it wrong if this was your strategy!!!

 

I fit in with younger people because younger people tend to enjoy the things I enjoy and have the same lifestyle that I do, that is all. It isn't even 20-somethings only! I have just as many friends in their 30's! My ex before this recent one was 37! and there ARE grandmas at these music festivals and they also fit in with 20 somethings as well as every other age group that is there because everyone that is there fits in with everyone there because we're all the same kind of person.

 

I am glad to hear that.

 

But it's easy to get the impression that you're hung up on age.

 

When I see your posts, the first thing that pops into my head is "There's that 40-year old lady who wants to be 20."

 

Maybe that's not who you are. In fact, I'm sure there's much more to you than this age preference, but you state it so much that it's become your persona to a lot of people (as you see here).

 

Nobody would come to this conclusion about you if you hadn't repeatedly stated, "I look and act like a 20-something."

 

Now with this boyfriend/Facebook snafu, it just plays right into the immaturity/parent-child scenario. Your not doing yourself any favors in this thread.

[katrina1980]

To be fair, he got better as time went on. In the beginning he sometimes chose his friends over me, or talked about doing things together and then not doing them...but those issues were all in the very beginning. He got a LOT better after we had been together for a few months, which is what I thought would happen, that's why I stuck it out. He eventually started trying to make plans with me almost every chance he could, even taking a few days off work unexpectedly just to hang out at my house. He even played video games less to hang out at my house, although here we just watched tv, something else I don't like doing much, but at least he was spending more time with me. He told me once "I have been needing more (my name) time...I feel like seeing you once a week isn't enough anymore." He even went with me to my moms house twice, something in the beginning he seemed like he had no interest in doing. And remember, and this is huge; I started that post about him BEFORE we were even in a relationship. Our official date we started dating was Dec. 28th and I made that post on Dec. 24th. So I never updated the thread or posted again about our relationship because it wasn't a problem anymore, things got better once we were officially in a relationship.

 

Well most of his red flags went away after we officially became a couple in an actual relationship. and like I said, things got better, i was pretty damn happy for the first 4 months, and even then my doubts that crept in weren't taking up my entire thought process, because he was still a good boyfriend, we were just not fitting into each others lives like we both tried so hard to do. And his self centeredness didn't really start bothering me until about 6 or 7 months in. Staying in a relationship is a complicated thing, you have to get to that breaking point where you are tipped over the edge, and because of all his good points, it just took longer to get to that breaking point. I don't regret staying with him that long so I feel like there is nothing to take responsibility for, it was what it was and I was fine with it.

 

You still didn't address my question, why you're surprised it went down this way at the end. Red flags or not, he's detached and emotionally unavailable. Period.

 

He may have and displayed some redeeming qualities, but you just finished telling us pretty much ad nauseum throughout this thread that he *never* asked you about YOU, it was *always* all about HIM, he *never* gave you attention preferring his friends or video games, etc etc, you told us all this!

 

Now when I ask you a semi-hard question that would require you to actually think and *introspect*, you take it back saying that he had actually stepped up and was a good boyfriend that you don't regret staying with?

 

No disrespect but if you can't do something as simple as acknowledge your own role in the breakdown of this relationship (it takes two after all) then this entire thread, all 19 pages of it, is moot.

 

And you will continue attracting the *same* type of guys, experiencing the *same* issues, having learned *nothing*, about yourself, relationships or life in general.

 

Frankly, I am not seeing the maturity here (yours), but wish you the best.

[Rockchick26]

There is something intoxicating about the energy of 20somethings, just as there is something intoxicating about being in your 20s. You literally kind of feel drunk and confused by the whole life thing, a state that seems to appeal to you, OP, in midlife.

 

I am not into feeling drunk or confused, lol and the group of people I resonate with don't feel confused either, they feel more in tune with life than anyone I've ever known.

 

A 22 year old bartender can dream of being a 35 year old rock star; it's still cute and, who knows, might happen. A 35 year old bartender is a 35 year old bartender, and if he/she is still talking about his/her future as a rock star...well, it can seem kind of tragic or deluded.

 

I think it is sad that you think people can't have dreams when they're 35. Did you know the founder of McDonalds was in his 50's when he decided to start a business? Or that the creator of the Spiderman comics was in his 40's when he started that? Or that Julia Child didn't even learn to cook until she was 40? Henry Ford was 45 when he first created the car. I just can't agree with people who think you have to stop growing and dreaming once you hit a certain age.

 

It is simply far easier for an older person to deny their shortcomings—the things about themselves that still trigger insecurity—when dating significantly younger and spending time primarily with people who are significantly younger. It's not a question of maturity. It's the reality of time. A deeply lost, deeply immature 40something has a much better shot of looking like a wise, deeply put-together soul to the 20something. The ego lights up, and for a time that fire might be bright enough to mask those thorny truths. I’m not saying it’s a dynamic that can’t work, or that it doesn’t have pluses. But anyone who denies it isn’t a specific dynamic, with specific power structures, with specific limitations, is not being fully honest.

 

Sure, that can be some people's reasons for dating younger, but it isn't mine. I think i've already explained enough how I am just more similar to them, why is that so hard to accept? It isn't complicated, it's more simple than you are making it out to be.

 

I invite you, OP, to reflect on how often you've asserted your youthfulness here, how important that identity is for you, and how well it is truly serving your deepest desires. Frankly, nothing about your relationships with younger people sounds EFFORTLESS; it sounds like the exact opposite, in fact.

 

I've already explained why asserting my identity is important to me, so that i can find others like me. How do you find similar people? By expressing yourself and who you are. And your opinion about my friendships and relationships being effortless can't be proven, you are really just guessing. You don't know how easily I make friends now since finding my tribe. In my old life, it was hard making friends because I didn't express my identity and knew I didn't fit in with most people. But now that I stepped into who I am and found others like me, I am making new friends by the day, literally. I think i've gotten about 50 friend requests on FB in just the last week since my last festival.

 

Your romantic history as documented here sounds deeply fraught and unsatisfying, consisting of relationships that don’t hit the year mark and in which you are incredibly disappointed and thrown by the man in one way or another. Your friendships sound deeply fraught, in that you don’t feel seen and appreciated by many people close to you. And your stress-free life sounds very, very stressful. Your hunger to be seen and understood, not like the hunger of a 22 year old bartender, is almost rabid.

 

You are only focusing on the bad stuff regarding my relationships. Every relationship has good and bad points. i don't regret any of them. And how can you say my stress-free life is stressful, just because I just went through a breakup? This is the only stress I've had since I quit my job. And I still don't see how the need to be seen and understood will ever be a bad thing. I just happen to have a lot of people in my life who are incapable of looking past themselves. Funny though, I don't have this problem at festivals with those people, just in my normal every day life with people that I already knew.

 

You’re big-hearted, spirited, zestful, kind, loving, and I take it you look good for your age, whatever that means to you. You have tattoos. You like to dance front row at a rock show. Great! Me too! But also great? Evolving out of the turmoil of 20something-dom, feeling deeply seen by friends and lovers, feeling genuinely calm and comfortable in your own skin, wrinkles or not.

 

Yeah I feel like all that is true for me NOW, since discovering festivals and my tribe.

[Rockchick26]

 

 

I am glad to hear that.

 

But it's easy to get the impression that you're hung up on age.

 

When I see your posts, the first thing that pops into my head is "There's that 40-year old lady who wants to be 20."

 

Maybe that's not who you are. In fact, I'm sure there's much more to you than this age preference, but you state it so much that it's become your persona to a lot of people (as you see here).

 

Nobody would come to this conclusion about you if you hadn't repeatedly stated, "I look and act like a 20-something."

 

Well like I have said a few times, the more information you get, the clearer picture you can have. That is why I spend so much time giving more information and clarifying misunderstandings. If i were to go into detail about why I fit in with younger people, it would be so long nobody would read it and it didn't seem pertinent at the time I wrote my original post since the subject matter was strictly how I am feeling about this breakup.

 

Now with this boyfriend/Facebook snafu, it just plays right into the immaturity/parent-child scenario. Your not doing yourself any favors in this thread.

 

Yeah except for the fact that I wanted the relationship to end! Like i've mentioned a few times, if the child/parent scenario was something i wanted, i would have been happier and stayed with him.

[Rockchick26]

You still didn't address my question, why you're surprised it went down this way at the end. Red flags or not, he's detached and emotionally unavailable. Period.

 

I did answer your question! I told you I was surprised because he walked away far easier than I would have expected given his intense addiction to me. I say addiction because I don't think it was really love, because the more I got to know him, the more it was obvious it was all about status for him. He was dumped by every girlfriend and was alone for 5 years before me and literally told me "i'm just happy to have a girlfriend"! and he always talked about showing me off in public like we were the most important people there, and someday being rich and famous with a wife and a house then he'll be happy. It was so clear that he didn't care who it was as long as it was someone! So to answer your question again, I was surprised when he ended it abruptly and never looked back is because of how important it was to him to have a girlfriend. He didn't even try to fight to save our relationship. And I really doubt in that brief one sided conversation he finally had the light bulb go on in his head that I am really not a good fit for him.

 

He may have and displayed some redeeming qualities, but you just finished telling us pretty much ad nauseum throughout this thread that he *never* asked you about YOU, it was *always* all about HIM, he *never* gave you attention preferring his friends or video games, etc etc, you told us all this!

 

Most of that is true, but he did choose me over his friends and video games after we were actually in a relationship. It was his good qualities that kept me with him as long as I was. Basically his good qualities outweighed the bad in the beginning but it reached a tipping point after about 6 or 7 months where I realized the bad aren't worth the good because I know I can find a boyfriend who does have all those good qualities AND be more on my level as far as interests and needing 2 way conversations.

 

No disrespect but if you can't do something as simple as acknowledge your own role in the breakdown of this relationship (it takes two after all) then this entire thread, all 19 pages of it, is moot.

 

Are you saying if I had only been different in some way, the relationship would have worked? Because he never complained about me at all, he always told me I was "wonderful" and "amazing" and I make him so happy. He never once told me anything that made me think I needed to change anything, UNTIL 2 weeks before our breakup, and that was the whole festival thing. To which I responded "You knew I went to festivals every weekend in the summer before we even started dating, and I am not going to stop going to them." BUT after I said that he said he still wanted to be with me anyway. So it sounds like you want me to admit that it is my fault the relationship ended because I chose festivals over him, but he knew that and still wanted to stay with me.

 

And you will continue attracting the *same* type of guys, experiencing the *same* issues, having learned *nothing*, about yourself, relationships or life in general.

 

Wow, so much untruth in that sentence I don't even know where to start! i don't always attract the same type of guys, it's only been the last 2 guys I dated that had immaturity/emotional issues. And of course i have learned about myself, relationships and life. You seem to think i'm a stupid, clueless, naive, bitter, mentally ill person.

[katrina1980]

^^You're still not "getting it" RC, but have no more energy to respond except to say that no I don't think you're stupid, naive, bitter clueless, or mentally ill (?) -- how you surmised that these were my thoughts from what I posted is frankly beyond my realm of comprehension.

 

It's also quite ironic that *you* assign this destructive and insulting thought process to *me,* when I neither said nor suggested anything of the sort, while at the same time unfairly complaining that *others* have made certain assumptions about *you.*

 

That they misunderstood, misinterpreted, whatever, which is precisely what you just did re my post.

[SherrySher]

I completely agree with you, Annia. Your points make a lot of sense. And yes I do believe a lot of it is spot on for OP, at least that's the impression this whole thread gives.

[Rockchick26]

^^You're still not "getting it" RC, but have no more energy to respond except to say that no I don't think you're stupid, naive, bitter clueless, or mentally ill (?) -- how you surmised that these were my thoughts from what I posted is frankly beyond my realm of comprehension.

 

It's also quite ironic that *you* assign this destructive and insulting thought process to *me,* when I neither said nor suggested anything of the sort, while at the same time unfairly complaining that *others* have made certain assumptions about *you.*

 

That they misunderstood, misinterpreted, whatever, which is precisely what you just did re my post.

 

Well then why don't you clarify yourself and defend yourself and tell me what made you think I don't know anything about myself, relationships and life in general? Not knowing anything is what naive and stupid means. And you think i will continue to get the same kind of boyfriend again, which as everyone seems to think is due to me having mental/emotional issues (that is what mental illness is). Please clarify what you really meant.

[Annia]

^^You're still not "getting it" RC, but have no more energy to respond except to say that no I don't think you're stupid, naive, bitter clueless, or mentally ill (?) -- how you surmised that these were my thoughts from what I posted is frankly beyond my realm of comprehension.

 

It's also quite ironic that *you* assign this destructive and insulting thought process to *me,* when I neither said nor suggested anything of the sort, while at the same time unfairly complaining that *others* have made certain assumptions about *you.*

 

That they misunderstood, misinterpreted, whatever, which is precisely what you just did re my post.

 

In all her threads she refuses to take responsibility for anything that goes wrong in her life. I've seen these argumentative back and forward in every thread every time someone points that it "takes two to tango" or that the only person she can control is herself and therefor she's responsible for her actions. It's ok, but that's why many people now see these threads as merely "venting threads" or "debating exercises for her" . If she's happier not taking responsibility or reflecting that maybe her patterns are also about her choices and not just because of the whole world around her being wrong, than it's her prerogative. Maybe she'll be lucky and one day these patterns and insatisfaction will change despite her not changing. Maybe the other people will adapt to what she wants and idealises and she won't need to move a finger or make any change.

 

In fact almost all the people I've seen giving up of her threads wasn't because she disagreed or because she didn't follow advice (it's ok and a person should think by herself and have individual opinions), it was because the constant lack of taking responsibility or recognising flaws within herself and constant backtracking to fit the argument being made by herself/her reality like the now "he was awful"... but when "staying with him despite him being awful" didn't fit her narrative anymore/was putting her argument at risk and someone pointed it out, now all of a sudden he wasn't so awful anymore. Or when people commented before that she chose to stay with him despite the red flags, suddenly it was because it was too soon to see the red flags and she needed to give him more time. And then it was because she was making him a favour by giving him the love he never had despite his flaws and making his life better. Or when one minute this guy was self centred and the next minute the narrative changed to him being obsessed about her after some people refuted some of her points.

Almost as if being right was more important than actually understanding why things happen the way they do. It's the pattern in most of these threads.

 

I'm even surprised she made the choice of being on therapy (which I truly commend and I think it's great is making this effort to make her life better), because it takes introspection and one admitting they're not perfect in every situation.

 

It's ok, as I said it's her prerogative and what makes her happier.

[katrina1980]

 

Well then why don't you clarify yourself and defend yourself and tell me what made you think I don't know anything about myself, relationships and life in general? Not knowing anything is what naive and stupid means. And you think i will continue to get the same kind of boyfriend again, which as everyone seems to think is due to me having mental/emotional issues (that is what mental illneas means.

 

There you go again making presumptions about what a poster said or meant.

 

I *never* said, suggested or meant you didn't know *anything* about yourself, relationships or life, geez. Your thought process is mind boggling!

 

I meant by refusing to own your role, not acknowledging that it takes two (your partner and yourself) to make a relationship and two to break it, and not taking the time to introspect, you prevent yourself from learning from this relationship (and it's subsequent breakdown) and taking what you've learned to your next relationship so it will be stronger, happier, healthier, better.

 

No matter how much we think we know about ourselves, relationships and life, there is *always* more to learn, ways to improve. It would be arrogant to believe otherwise.

 

I learn and "grow" from all my relationships, whether I end or he does. I also own *my* role in its demise, even if he treated me like crap. I learn from it, always! And become a better, stronger human being because of it!

 

There are always ways we can improve. It doesn't mean that we're stupid, naive, bitter, mentally ill; it means that we acknowledge we're not perfect, that there is always room for growth and improvement so as to achieve happier and more harmonious relationships with others and with ourselves. And become a better and healthier human being, generally.

 

Maybe you will understand this, maybe not, but you asked, so I answered as best I could.

 

Take care.

[Batya33]

Observing that someone may have mental or emotional issues does not mean necessarily that the person has a mental illness.

[Rockchick26]

In all her threads she refuses to take responsibility for anything that goes wrong in her life.

 

My threads are not because of things "going wrong". They are about my feelings about certain situations. and every thread/situation is different. Just curious, what am I refusing to take responsibility for in this thread? I feel like people are saying it's my fault any of this happened, the relationship, the breakup, etc. It wasn't a bad thing to happen so therefore nobody should take any blame, it's about facts about a situation that cannot be changed and the effect that it caused. I've even said I am not even blaming my ex for the relationship ending, I admitted I was the one that wanted it to end, and I admitted that I stayed in it as long as I did for the reasons that I stated previously (don't wanna keep being a broken record here). I'm not sure what you are still waiting for me to admit responsibility for that I haven't already explained in great detail.

 

I've seen these argumentative back and forward in every thread every time someone points that it "takes two to tango" or that the only person she can control is herself and therefor she's responsible for her actions.

 

Is THAT it? You just want me to say "i am responsible for my actions"? That's a given, of course we are all responsible for our actions. I am responsible for why the relationship went on as long as it did (again, not a bad thing to blame anyone for), I am responsible for posting that comment to my friend (again, I explained that to death), I am responsible for...I can't think of anything else, you'll have to just come out and say the exact thing that I haven't said yet.

 

It's ok, but that's why many people now see these threads as merely "venting threads" or "debating exercises for her" .

 

I've already said I am partially venting but also partially asking a specific question and also partially trying to find people to relate to me. The reason why it becomes a debate is because people reply with information that shows they need more information to understand the situation better. Exactly my reason for wishing my ex would have given us a chance to finish our conversation.

 

If she's happier not taking responsibility or reflecting that maybe her patterns are also about her choices and not just because of the whole world around her being wrong, than it's her prerogative. Maybe she'll be lucky and one day these patterns and insatisfaction will change despite her not changing. Maybe the other people will adapt to what she wants and idealises and she won't need to move a finger or make any change.

 

What changes are you thinking that I need to make? You want me to only date guys who have no emotional/immaturity issues? I don't choose who I like, I just like some people and out of the ones I like, if any of them like me, we end up dating. And I don't stop dating someone just because they might have issues. You can never tell in the beginning which issues are going to be a problem, unless you let nature take it's course.

 

In fact almost all the people I've seen giving up of her threads wasn't because she disagreed or because she didn't follow advice (it's ok and a person should think by herself and have individual opinions), it was because the constant lack of taking responsibility or recognising flaws within herself and constant backtracking to fit the argument being made by herself/her reality like the now "he was awful"... but when "staying with him despite him being awful" didn't fit her narrative anymore/was putting her argument at risk and someone pointed it out, now all of a sudden he wasn't so awful anymore.

 

It isn't like there is a running consensus on whether or not he was awful...at different times I would talk about his good points and at other times I would talk about his bad points, everyone has good and bad points. I never said he was an awful person or a perfect person. I just respond to the messages as they come. Why would you think it has to be so black and white?

 

Or when people commented before that she chose to stay with him despite the red flags, suddenly it was because it was too soon to see the red flags and she needed to give him more time. And then it was because she was making him a favour by giving him the love he never had despite his flaws and making his life better.

 

It is possible for 2 reasons to exist for someone's actions. Why does it have to be one or the other?

 

Or when one minute this guy was self centred and the next minute the narrative changed to him being obsessed about her after some people refuted some of her points.

 

It is possible for someone to be self centered AND be obsessed with another person, when the reason for them wanting a person in their life was to make them feel better about themselves by having somebody love them.

 

Almost as if being right was more important than actually understanding why things happen the way they do. It's the pattern in most of these threads.

 

Apparently it's a bad thing when someone knows information about themselves and tells people. !?

 

I'm even surprised she made the choice of being on therapy (which I truly commend and I think it's great is making this effort to make her life better), because it takes introspection and one admitting they're not perfect in every situation.

 

I'm glad someone is giving me credit for that, although the reason why I'm going has nothing to do with my relationship issue.

[figureitout23]

Rock chick, do your feelings towards being young and free have anything to do with the 18 years you essentially lost working in a factory? Your sleep disorder? Your intimacy issues?

 

I’m not going to quote your old posts, anyone can click and see this free spirit. I’m not the problem they are attitude is something that has happened in recent years.

 

I am beyond happy you found yourself, you struggled for a long time and it’s amazing you are content BUT just because you solved one puzzle piece doesn’t mean the rest is going to simply fall in line.

 

Your romantic issues need to be resolved. I also believe fully this was a mother/child relationship. You keep saying he was patient with you about sex, but I can’t help but see it as a red flag that a 20 year old man had no issue with not having sex at all for 9 months, there’s patience in a relationship and then there’s not caring because it’s not about the relationship but rather having you there to fill an emotional need, which is what you’re complaining about. I think you attract and are attracted to broken people.

 

You are on your journey, but honey, you are not there yet.

[SherrySher]

20 year old man had no issue with not having sex at all for 9 months

 

:0 That is no way near normal. Poor guy :(

[Annia]

My threads are not because of things "going wrong". They are about my feelings about certain situations. and every thread/situation is different. Just curious, what am I refusing to take responsibility for in this thread? I feel like people are saying it's my fault any of this happened, the relationship, the breakup, etc. It wasn't a bad thing to happen so therefore nobody should take any blame, it's about facts about a situation that cannot be changed and the effect that it caused. I've even said I am not even blaming my ex for the relationship ending, I admitted I was the one that wanted it to end, and I admitted that I stayed in it as long as I did for the reasons that I stated previously (don't wanna keep being a broken record here). I'm not sure what you are still waiting for me to admit responsibility for that I haven't already explained in great detail.

 

 

 

Is THAT it? You just want me to say "i am responsible for my actions"? That's a given, of course we are all responsible for our actions. I am responsible for why the relationship went on as long as it did (again, not a bad thing to blame anyone for), I am responsible for posting that comment to my friend (again, I explained that to death), I am responsible for...I can't think of anything else, you'll have to just come out and say the exact thing that I haven't said yet.

 

 

 

I've already said I am partially venting but also partially asking a specific question and also partially trying to find people to relate to me. The reason why it becomes a debate is because people reply with information that shows they need more information to understand the situation better. Exactly my reason for wishing my ex would have given us a chance to finish our conversation.

 

 

 

What changes are you thinking that I need to make? You want me to only date guys who have no emotional/immaturity issues? I don't choose who I like, I just like some people and out of the ones I like, if any of them like me, we end up dating. And I don't stop dating someone just because they might have issues. You can never tell in the beginning which issues are going to be a problem, unless you let nature take it's course.

 

 

 

It isn't like there is a running consensus on whether or not he was awful...at different times I would talk about his good points and at other times I would talk about his bad points, everyone has good and bad points. I never said he was an awful person or a perfect person. I just respond to the messages as they come. Why would you think it has to be so black and white?

 

 

 

It is possible for 2 reasons to exist for someone's actions. Why does it have to be one or the other?

 

 

 

It is possible for someone to be self centered AND be obsessed with another person, when the reason for them wanting a person in their life was to make them feel better about themselves by having somebody love them.

 

 

 

Apparently it's a bad thing when someone knows information about themselves and tells people. !?

 

 

 

I'm glad someone is giving me credit for that, although the reason why I'm going has nothing to do with my relationship issue.

 

You just proved my point and did exactly what I thought you would. And no I'm not saying you're the only one at fault in this relationship, but that you have soe responsibility too for your choices in this relationship. But I'm not going to argument more... it will become circular and non beneficial to either of us as it will be more a waste of time than anything. You have your opinion I have mine. It's ok.

 

I hope you move on soon and find the peace within despite this break up not having gone the way you wanted. Have a nice Sunday.

[bluecastle]

Serious question:

 

So, OP, you've been on this thread for a few days now. Words upon words upon words, some of them yours, some of them a handful of pixilated strangers (aka IRL fellow humans) who have invested in your life.

 

When you find yourself going tat of tat for a few hours, as you've done on here, do you leave your computer feeling calmer than before? Or are you riled up, frustrated with what you're hearing?

 

I'm genuinely curious.