Feeling guilty and sad for my ex after we broke up

[bluecastle]

I have no intention of being cruel, and certainly know the pain of heartache. It's what originally led me to sites like this, and it was sites like this that also led me to dig deep and understand my patterns. What I heard on here wasn't always what I wanted to hear, but sometimes it was what I needed.

 

Honestly, it's asking a lot of someone 20 years younger to be on the same emotional plane as you. He wasn't, as you knew from the start. Once the honeymoon phase faded, and his chasing you and idealizing you gave way to more banal neediness like wanting help for an irritated eye, you started to divest and decided to end things.

 

Fine. Sucks. Hugs.

 

But to expect him to suddenly show a level of emotional nuance in the breakup that he was incapable of showing in the relationship--that's really asking a lot. If he was capable of replying to your heartfelt email in the means you're hoping for--well, it probably wouldn't have been a breakup between deeply mismatched people email but a loving exchange between equal partners who shared a similar outlook on life. And your frustration with that speaks, I think, to the larger dynamic here.

 

There is a level of defensiveness to your posts, as well some information about patterns, that is simply raising some eyebrows here, mine among them. Breakups are a great time for self-examination, but in this case you've deflected anything that doesn't dovetail with your sense of self. I'm sorry to say it, but I can understand the appeal of someone so much younger than you because there is no way he could challenge you in the way you're being challenged here. But that also has some shortcomings, as you've discovered, and we're just trying to help you to see things from a different angle.

[journeynow]

I dont think its immature to talk about your feelings on FB, it's the norm.

 

Actually, it's not the norm.

[journeynow]

I guess I just need to vent, I feel alone and came here to talk about my breakup...

 

Understandable, and fair enough, after a break up.

 

...I said we don't have anything in common and are just too different. But he still wanted to stay together.

 

I agree, it sounds like you two were basically incompatible.

 

...I feel guilty and sad about the whole relationship and how it ended.

 

I think when it comes right down to it, when we go through these kinds of feeling in situations such as this, we project out what what is inside. You didn't listen to yourself about incompatibility and are hurt as a result, and perhaps the guilt is that you put yourself through this. Relationships can be hard, break ups can be hard. It hurts. His lessons or lifestyle or healing is for him to handle. And yours are yours. If looking for lessons to be learned, see what this experience has for you. What would you do differently going into this, knowing what you do now? Would you have let it go past the first few meet-ups?

[Rockchick26]

Question: Were either of your parents alcoholics or suffering in some sort of mental illness wherein you needed to be the carer for them rather than them nurturing you?

 

No, not at all. My parents, especially my mom, cared more than was necessary, actually.

 

You have all the hallmark symptoms of codependency.

That's funny because I have looked into this before and didn't match the description of it at all. I have taken quizzes and stuff too and they never gave me that result.

[Rockchick26]

Honestly, it's asking a lot of someone 20 years younger to be on the same emotional plane as you. He wasn't, as you knew from the start.

 

I guess I expected him to be on the same plane simply because he was so emotionally attached to me. It was him who was diving face first into the relationship, it was him who talked about being married and living together and being soulmates. So I thought if he's this emotionally invested then he wouldn't just stop talking to me without trying to work things out or at least acknowledge my messages. He never did this before, he messaged me like crazy, every single day, even while we were hundreds of miles apart on a few occasions. That is all my issue is right now is that I never thought he would go silent on me. It's like a pet peeve of mine when someone ignores my messages, it bothers me even when friends do it. I think it's extremely disrespectful. I am ok with the no contact rule but not when the other person just starts doing it in the middle of a conversation without even acknowledging your responses. To me that is just childish and they are just running away from talking like adults.

 

But to expect him to suddenly show a level of emotional nuance in the breakup that he was incapable of showing in the relationship--that's really asking a lot. If he was capable of replying to your heartfelt email in the means you're hoping for--well, it probably wouldn't have been a breakup between deeply mismatched people email but a loving exchange between equal partners who shared a similar outlook on life. And your frustration with that speaks, I think, to the larger dynamic here.

 

I think my frustration about being ignored and disrespected is normal and common. Who would want to spend time explaining your feelings and trying to help someone feel better only to have them completely ignore it and block you? Yes I should have known he was incapable of having serious adult conversations but I thought since this was a pretty big deal that it should have been important enough to him, especially if he loved me like he claimed he did. To me, love is not shutting the other person out not even giving them a chance to talk and not acknowledging their words. It was like a child who yells at someone and then slams the door shut, not even listening to the other side but making sure they got their words in first. I don't feel like I am wrong for disliking this behavior, not just in relationships but in friendships too.

 

There is a level of defensiveness to your posts, as well some information about patterns, that is simply raising some eyebrows here, mine among them. Breakups are a great time for self-examination, but in this case you've deflected anything that doesn't dovetail with your sense of self.

 

I am just defensive when somebody asserts their claim as a fact when it's not true. I hate when people misunderstand me. That is why it bothers me so much that my ex shut off communication before he could fully understand what happened. He was obviously wrong in his statements right before the breakup but either didn't read or didn't give a crap when i corrected him. So I know he is in pain right now for the wrong reasons and there's nothing I can do about it, that's what kills me. This is why I believe closure is so important, so both people fully understand what happened factually and not assume anything. There should be no misunderstandings after a breakup, it would help people move on quicker and learn and grow easier. My first 2 relationships ended easily because we kept the lines of communication open and we discussed things at least once. Maybe that's why this one is hurting extra bad because even though it was my shortest relationship, it also ended the worst way of any of them.

 

I'm sorry to say it, but I can understand the appeal of someone so much younger than you because there is no way he could challenge you in the way you're being challenged here. But that also has some shortcomings, as you've discovered, and we're just trying to help you to see things from a different angle.

 

The reason why I usually date younger guys is simply because I don't fit in with people my age. Most people my age have kids, sometimes even grandkids. But I spend my time going to music festivals and hanging out with my friends and have no interest in getting married or having kids and I listen to the same music younger people listen to. It isn't about being with someone who doesn't challenge me. It isn't about having control over them, it's about having more in common with them and their lifestyle.

[Rockchick26]

Actually, it's not the norm.

 

Well it is in my experience and with the people I see on there.

[boltnrun]

You can't force anyone to accept your "help". Perhaps he doesn't feel he needs or wants your help, despite you thinking he should.

 

And tbh, I wouldn't respond well to someone "correcting" me.

[Rockchick26]

I think when it comes right down to it, when we go through these kinds of feeling in situations such as this, we project out what what is inside. You didn't listen to yourself about incompatibility and are hurt as a result, and perhaps the guilt is that you put yourself through this.

 

I don't understand why or how I could have guilt for what I put myself though. I will be ok with the breakup, but I doubt he will. He is what I feel guilt about because I felt so bad for him that all his girlfriends dumped him and then I did the same thing. Not directly, I mean he was the one that technically ended it, but I was the one that was thinking about breaking up. That was what the post was about that I was commenting on to my friend, feeling bad about potentially hurting someone you love.

 

If looking for lessons to be learned, see what this experience has for you. What would you do differently going into this, knowing what you do now? Would you have let it go past the first few meet-ups?

 

You can't know someone after the first few meetups. I didn't even start to really like him until our 3rd date. I did know he was "childish and self centered" from our mutual friend who he had a crush on before I came along, and I saw this in him early on but I kept going with it because I thought when someone was in a relationship they wouldn't be as self centered as when they are single. So I gave him a chance. I have faith too much that things will work themselves out and I hate to give up on people so easily. Many relationships end late in the game anyway so you can't forsee what issues you will have years down the road. And I have known people who saw red flags and still stayed in the relationship anyway and they worked out in the end. I just think you can't ever predict anything in relationships so it's best to just let them run their course naturally until it becomes obvious it isn't going to work.

[Rockchick26]

You can't force anyone to accept your "help". Perhaps he doesn't feel he needs or wants your help, despite you thinking he should.

 

Well that would have been the only time in our entire relationship then! Because he was constantly asking me for help, attention, love, admiration, etc. It isn't like him to be independent and problem solving. He complained about everything and never did anything about any of it and wanted someone to feel sorry for him.

 

And tbh, I wouldn't respond well to someone "correcting" me.

 

Why not? If someone tells you something that isn't true (about yourself), you have every right to correct them and they should respect your response like an adult. It wasn't like I was correcting him about himself, it was stuff he said about me that was wrong. It bothers me when people don't know the truth, truth is very important to me.

[boltnrun]

You're missing the point.

 

It doesn't matter if you think you're right or you think he should do this or that. It's perfectly within his rights to say no. Or ignore you. Or block you.

 

You cannot force him if he doesn't want to.

 

You can be angry, indignant, disbelieving, whatever...but he still can do what he wants.

[bluecastle]

I suspect you’re not going to like what I’m going to say, but...

 

The tone you’re taking when talking about him is extremely condescending and patronizing. The general gist is that you are right about everything, that your story is the true, richer, more intricate story, and his is “obviously wrong.” He is the facile one, the one who needs teaching, whose reaction and means of processing is not as complex and valuable as yours. You’re the A student of life, he’s a C minus at best. You want him to see that, and acknowledge that, and to that I just ask: why?

 

He is not obviously wrong. He’s living his truth, his story, interpreting things through his lens and reacting as he sees fit. It’s not the same as yours, and it’s not one you like; it contradicts your truth. But try to accept that it is 100 percent as valuable as yours, and just as you had likely outgrown him from hour six he is now outgrowing you as his guide and seer.

 

Maybe I sound harsh. But look: I can relate. My ex is younger than me, with a different lens. It took me a while to accept that we just operated from different places, and that both of us were right, wrong, human, whatever. It took me a while to accept that I liked knowing “more” when in fact I was just older and that was kind of a chest code for feeling wise instead of peeling back my own layers and looking for the places where I needed to do some growing.

 

Right now you sound like you are missing that validation of being the person he looked to for help, for answers. You want to guide him through the breakup, and by extension control the breakup narrative just as you controllled the relationship narrative.

 

Just try to think about that for a moment before replying. Try to think about why it’s so important for a 28 yr old who you have so little in common with to give you that credit, to be so “obviously wrong” so you can be obviously right.

 

You can both be wrong. And right. You shared some space. You tried. You had good, you had bad. I think what’s throwing you is that in breaking up he’s suddenly not so reliant on you as a guide, and it may be worth thinking about that given that you’re clearly in a lot of anguish over someone you really haven’t said a lot of kind things about.

[Rockchick26]

You're missing the point.

 

It doesn't matter if you think you're right or you think he should do this or that. It's perfectly within his rights to say no. Or ignore you. Or block you.

 

You cannot force him if he doesn't want to.

 

You can be angry, indignant, disbelieving, whatever...but he still can do what he wants.

 

Well I KNOW that, of course he can do what he wants. It doesn't make it morally right or easier on either of us to stop communicating. I have never heard of a situation where honest communication didn't make things better.

[kbbcoop77]

He’s doing the break up right. The faster you go NC and work on yourself the faster you heal and move on. Once someone wants to break up there’s no point in talking unless there’s kids or property to deal with. I would’ve done the same thing I learned that lesson the hard way..never again.

[Rockchick26]

I suspect you’re not going to like what I’m going to say, but...

 

The tone you’re taking when talking about him is extremely condescending and patronizing. The general gist is that you are right about everything, that your story is the true, richer, more intricate story, and his is “obviously wrong.” He is the facile one, the one who needs teaching, whose reaction and means of processing is not as complex and valuable as yours. You’re the A student of life, he’s a C minus at best. You want him to see that, and acknowledge that, and to that I just ask: why?

 

He is not obviously wrong. He’s living his truth, his story, interpreting things through his lens and reacting as he sees fit. It’s not the same as yours, and it’s not one you like; it contradicts your truth. But try to accept that it is 100 percent as valuable as yours, and just as you had likely outgrown him from hour six he is now outgrowing you as his guide and seer.

 

Maybe I sound harsh. But look: I can relate. My ex is younger than me, with a different lens. It took me a while to accept that we just operated from different places, and that both of us were right, wrong, human, whatever. It took me a while to accept that I liked knowing “more” when in fact I was just older and that was kind of a chest code for feeling wise instead of peeling back my own layers and looking for the places where I needed to do some growing.

 

Right now you sound like you are missing that validation of being the person he looked to for help, for answers. You want to guide him through the breakup, and by extension control the breakup narrative just as you controllled the relationship narrative.

 

Just try to think about that for a moment before replying. Try to think about why it’s so important for a 28 yr old who you have so little in common with to give you that credit, to be so “obviously wrong” so you can be obviously right.

 

You can both be wrong. And right. You shared some space. You tried. You had good, you had bad. I think what’s throwing you is that in breaking up he’s suddenly not so reliant on you as a guide, and it may be worth thinking about that given that you’re clearly in a lot of anguish over someone you really haven’t said a lot of kind things about.

 

You are taking what I said and assuming without even knowing what the statement in question was about. I am not saying i am right about everything, i was only referring to the statement he made during our conversation that was false. He was unaware of something that I had to make him aware of, that he was seeing something totally wrong. That specific bit of information is all I'm referring to, and it was regarding things I did that he was misinformed about. That's all.

 

I'm also not trying to guide him through the breakup, I am not saying I want to be here for him to cry on. I just wanted to finish our conversation so there were no misunderstandings and we each could say what we wanted to say. After it would be allowed to come to a conclusion then I would be ok with the no contact rule, and I don't even want to get back together. I simply want to finish our conversation so nobody is suffering about a misunderstanding. I care about him and want him to hurt less, if possible.

 

I don't like feeling wiser than the person I'm with, I want to be on the same level, that is a huge reason why there was such a disconnect between us. I am not saying I am an extremely educated person who is a know it all about everything, I am just saying I have almost 20 years more life experience that he does. He lived with his parents until the week we started dating! He literally did not know how to do dishes. He has no checkbook, and almost a year later hasn't even changed his address, he still gets his mail at his moms house. This is the kind of stuff I mean where I just know more about how to do adult things than he does. It isn't an insult to him, i'm just stating a fact that he is just starting out in learning how to be an adult, at age 28. And emotionally/mentally he acts like a teenager. I didn't think a person of his age would be so lacking in adult skills and experience, that is why at first I wasn't bothered by it and he seemed to cover it up well. But I eventually learned how he was. And I didn't like being so much older than him ESPECIALLY when he acted so much younger than his age. So I guess you could say I felt a little in over my head in regards to "taking care of him", I didn't like it, and maybe that's why we never had sex because of that huge difference in mental/emotional/physical age.

[Rockchick26]

He’s doing the break up right. The faster you go NC and work on yourself the faster you heal and move on. Once someone wants to break up there’s no point in talking unless there’s kids or property to deal with. I would’ve done the same thing I learned that lesson the hard way..never again.

 

If this is the "right" way to go about a breakup, why is this one more difficult than my other ones, that all ended with the lines of communication open? Me and my exes all moved on and got over each other without the need for cutting contact. it would only take a few minutes to clear things up and I really dont think a few more minutes of time is going to delay anything here.

[bluecastle]

Why do YOU think it's more difficult than the other ones? I mean, really?

 

You've described this guy as a sad sack who can barely handle adulthood, who hides from reality in video games, who you didn't feel comfortable being physically intimate with because you were already drifting into a draining caretaker role. You haven't said a nice thing about him in thousands of words written here. You don't sound like you respect this man at all, and yet you're demanding respect from him?

 

So, what's the snag?

 

I'd really look at that. I'd really challenge yourself to ask some hard questions, like whether you miss being able to control the narrative, like why you, at almost 50, invested in someone who is "learning to be an adult" and who "acts like a teenager." Because he hasn't cut you out of of his life, or cut all contact. He has taken ONE DAY to recover, to feel some stuff, to process, and because he's not feeling it and processing it in EXACTLY the way you'd like you're thrown.

 

You talk about wanting no misunderstandings, about wanting to have some conclusion so you will be okay with parting ways. But what's the misunderstanding? What the air to "clear"?You don't want to be with him and he wants to be with you, he understands that, and is now doing what he needs to do to process. That, to me, is pretty dang adult whereas it's pretty dang adolescent to want to stretch that fact into some dramatic, poetic parting.

 

I know you're not going to like this, but maybe when the smoke clears you'll realize that this is selfish on your part, that what you want is for him to behave in a way that makes you feel less guilty as opposed to whatever way just makes him feel better. He didn't provide you with much, from the sound of it, but he was a reliable source of validation and power and I think you miss that. Which is fine. Which is human. But why not just own that, rather than twisting it into something it's not?

[Rockchick26]

Why do YOU think it's more difficult than the other ones? I mean, really?

 

I already said why, because in the other relationships, they didn't cut off the lines of communication. We were able to be friends afterwards. In fact one of my exes I have talked to about 3 or 4 times since we broke up 2 years ago. We hung out at a music festival 2 weeks ago and caught up and had a great time. Unfortunately that won't be possible with this recent ex because I can't contact him. He says he has never been friends with exes because he hates them all. Of course he hates them, because when they broke up he probably slammed the door of communication shut and blamed them and wallowed in misery until the next one came along. Unless he breaks that pattern, he is going to have a slew of failed relationships and a lot of hate in his heart. I don't hate my exes, I learned from them and am grateful for them and i'm glad we talked through things rather than gave each other the silent treatment.

 

You've described this guy as a sad sack who can barely handle adulthood, who hides from reality in video games, who you didn't feel comfortable being physically intimate with because you were already drifting into a draining caretaker role. You haven't said a nice thing about him in thousands of words written here. You don't sound like you respect this man at all, and yet you're demanding respect from him?

 

I am just simply describing him, I never said anything about not having respect for him. He had a lot of good points, he never pushed for sex, he treated me good for the most part, he complimented me often and kept in touch by messenger practically every few hours. I respect him for being a good person, but just because someone is good doesn't mean they can't be immature and self centered.

 

I'd really look at that. I'd really challenge yourself to ask some hard questions, like whether you miss being able to control the narrative, like why you, at almost 50, invested in someone who is "learning to be an adult" and who "acts like a teenager."

 

I don't see how I liked controlling the narrative, I simply wanted to be happy with someone. I wanted it to feel right and it hasn't felt right since around the 4 month mark. It's not about control, I don't even know where you are getting that idea from. and I invested in him because like I said, I trust people and have faith that they are honest and are the real deal like they appear to be. But he changed from being optimistic and full of humor to being negative, needy, and more self centered than in the beginning. Relationships go through a honeymoon phase so naturally the first 3 months were amazing, that is why I invested in him. I was just reading my diary of the last 9 months and it was like a difference of night and day, the beginning was like a fairy tale, everything seemed so perfect. but that only lasts for couples who are a good fit for each other, after that phase is over, the problems start to emerge and the facade starts to fade.

 

Because he hasn't cut you out of of his life, or cut all contact. He has taken ONE DAY to recover, to feel some stuff, to process, and because he's not feeling it and processing it in EXACTLY the way you'd like you're thrown.

 

You talk about wanting no misunderstandings, about wanting to have some conclusion so you will be okay with parting ways.

 

Well it's been 2 days now and how can you predict he will contact me again? He has never contacted any of his other exes. Why would he suddenly decide to change that pattern?

 

But what's the misunderstanding? What the air to "clear"?You don't want to be with him and he wants to be with you, he understands that, and is now doing what he needs to do to process. That, to me, is pretty dang adult whereas it's pretty dang adolescent to want to stretch that fact into some dramatic, poetic parting.

 

The misunderstanding is just details about our relationship that we never talked about that need to be said. He thinks I didn't make any sacrifices for the relationship and I started to tell him all the sacrifices I made but he cut off the conversation probably without even reading what i said. And he brought up some things that he misunderstood why I did them. It's just too much to go into but basically he rattled off a bunch of stuff that was assumptions and anger making up things that aren't true and obviously if i could explain the truth he wouldn't have been as angry but he didn't give me a chance because he just kept typing more stuff without reading what I was writing then he blocked me before I was able to finish, like I said, like a child slamming the door having a temper tantrum, as long as he was able to get his side out, he didn't care what my side was.

 

I know you're not going to like this, but maybe when the smoke clears you'll realize that this is selfish on your part, that what you want is for him to behave in a way that makes you feel less guilty as opposed to whatever way just makes him feel better.

 

But what i'm saying is he would already feel better if we could have just talked it out! Again, when has honest conversation ever been a bad idea?

 

He didn't provide you with much, from the sound of it, but he was a reliable source of validation and power and I think you miss that. Which is fine. Which is human. But why not just own that, rather than twisting it into something it's not?

 

I have no idea where you're getting the validation and power thing from, I am a very passive person who doesn't even feel powerful let alone want to be powerful over anyone. I want it to be EQUAL. I want someone who is my equal, on the same level. That is one reason why we didn't work out because I didn't like being the motherly figure. His mom never loved him correctly and his girlfriends all left him so obviously he needs mothering and I don't even want to have kids so why would I want to have a boyfriend who is more like a kid than a partner? I didn't, that's why I was unhappy (one of the reasons).

[EnglishRose9]

You know talking it out works for some people and not for others. From a dumpee perspective you’re never going to hear the words you want, which is the dumper made a mistake so actually talking doesn’t really help the situation. It obviously helps you but if he wants to shut down communication then you have to accept that. He’s not being childish by doing this, he is protecting himself. It sounds like he was really hurt/angry and who knows, when he’s cooled off he may well want to have that conversation but I wouldn’t count on it. As for being friends with an ex, that’s difficult when feelings are still there on either side. It doesn’t work. Let it go.

[Batya33]

If this is the "right" way to go about a breakup, why is this one more difficult than my other ones, that all ended with the lines of communication open? Me and my exes all moved on and got over each other without the need for cutting contact. it would only take a few minutes to clear things up and I really dont think a few more minutes of time is going to delay anything here.

 

For one thing, because of what you chose to post on your Facebook - now he knows that he cannot trust you to treat him with respect and dignity and he knows you write about the people you are close to in that way on Facebook so it probably also affected his view of you as a person. You can make all the excuses you want for your choice to post about him in that way but to me personally that is the impression it gives to anyone who knew you were in a relationship when you posted it (obviously if you were dating no one it would just be a general hypothetical statement but that is not what happened and you know you made the choice knowing at least someone would know you were referring to an actual person). It also gives that same impression to the people you posted to who knew you were in a relationship, as a person who lacks discretion - it is only one time, I get it, but words like that can be really damaging to the person and to others' perception and impression of you.

[catfeeder]

I am 46 and he is 28, huge age difference but he said it would work

 

You're 46 years old. Why would you follow the lousy judgment of a 28 year old?

[bluecastle]

I would really suggest showing this entire feed to your therapist.

 

The FB post was passive aggressive, an immature way of venting, one that made him feel humiliated and exposed. That is simply a fact, you see? That is how it made him feel, regardless of your intentions, just like you felt I was being cruel and mocking you, regardless of my intentions. You hurt him, he is hurting, let him hurt.

 

What you're repeatedly showing in this thread is an obsession with being the "good guy" in this and having that recognized by him. You want him to acknowledge the sacrifices you've made, the lessons you've imparted. You want him to agree with you that this is for his best, what he ultimately needs, the path to an even better place. You want him to be friends with you, or friendly, because to you that's how breakups are supposed to work. That what feels good and right to you, and therefore you want it to be what feels good and right for him.

 

In other words, you want your feelings, your truth, and your story to be THE truth. That is what I mean by both a need for control and for validation. If you loved, if you made sacrifices, and so on--great. He does not need to validate that for it to be true. He does not need to soothe the parts of you that feel icky for hurting him. He can think the complete opposite. He can choose to hate you. That can be what feels good and right for him, which is just as valid as what feels good and right to you.

[Rockchick26]

For one thing, because of what you chose to post on your Facebook - now he knows that he cannot trust you to treat him with respect and dignity and he knows you write about the people you are close to in that way on Facebook so it probably also affected his view of you as a person. You can make all the excuses you want for your choice to post about him in that way but to me personally that is the impression it gives to anyone who knew you were in a relationship when you posted it (obviously if you were dating no one it would just be a general hypothetical statement but that is not what happened and you know you made the choice knowing at least someone would know you were referring to an actual person). It also gives that same impression to the people you posted to who knew you were in a relationship, as a person who lacks discretion - it is only one time, I get it, but words like that can be really damaging to the person and to others' perception and impression of you.

 

But I didn't post it on my FB, I didn't make a post, I made a comment (which is only seen by those who read the post) on a friend's page (none of her friends know me or my boyfriend) AND she didn't know I was in a relationship. Everyone is acting like I made an actual post announcing this on MY Facebook wall for all my friends and people that know him to see. It is a huge difference. It's exactly the equivalent of posting in an advice forum like this, on here I'm even giving details! So why is this not bad, i'm talking about it online!? And also, he knew that I talked about our relationship with my friends and we even joked around about that a few times, he had no problem with me talking to my friends about him.

[Rockchick26]

You're 46 years old. Why would you follow the lousy judgment of a 28 year old?

 

Because 1) it isn't impossible for a relationship to work just because of an age difference, and 2) I thought it would work too because 99% of the guys I have dated were younger than me and the age difference has never once been a problem.

[Batya33]

But I didn't post it on my FB, I didn't make a post, I made a comment (which is only seen by those who read the post) on a friend's page (none of her friends know me or my boyfriend) AND she didn't know I was in a relationship. Everyone is acting like I made an actual post announcing this on MY Facebook wall for all my friends and people that know him to see. It is a huge difference. It's exactly the equivalent of posting in an advice forum like this, on here I'm even giving details! So why is this not bad, i'm talking about it online!? And also, he knew that I talked about our relationship with my friends and we even joked around about that a few times, he had no problem with me talking to my friends about him.

 

No it's not. You put something on social media where you knew there was a risk that someone who did know about your relationship could send it to him. As you saw that is what happened. That could not happen here unless you shared personal information with someone on here which you have not done. Also there is an understanding that this is supposed to be an anonymous site in general so if someone did that to you I could see where you obviously would have intended it to be anonymous. Your Facebook page is not anonymous. You knew that there was a huge risk that it could get back to him. If that had happened to you here I would be more likely to see it as a betrayal by the person on here who sent it to your boyfriend (meaning depending on the circumstances- i.e. if you had shared personal information knowing that that person likely would relay the info)

[Rockchick26]

I would really suggest showing this entire feed to your therapist.

 

Oh i'm definitely going to tell her about this, she doesn't have time to read through pages of posts though.

 

The FB post was passive aggressive, an immature way of venting, one that made him feel humiliated and exposed. That is simply a fact, you see?

 

No, that is your opinion. It was me expressing my feelings to a friend that I could relate to. That is how friends talk to each other. Everyone talks to their friends about their feelings regarding their relationships, how is that immature?

 

That is how it made him feel, regardless of your intentions, just like you felt I was being cruel and mocking you, regardless of my intentions. You hurt him, he is hurting, let him hurt.

 

I didn't even HAVE intentions!! It was literally to express my feelings and let my friend know I could relate to her post! And he KNEW I wasn't happy in the relationship already, we had a huge incident 2 weeks before that where we were at a music festival and he just left in the middle of it without even saying goodbye to me! We hadn't even gotten into a fight, it came out of nowhere. The next day I said I don't know if this can work and I told him we have nothing in common. He chose to ignore everything I said and act like it didn't happen. So tell me how I hurt him when he was the one that chose to create a problem in our relationship and start the ball rolling with us breaking up?

 

What you're repeatedly showing in this thread is an obsession with being the "good guy" in this and having that recognized by him. You want him to acknowledge the sacrifices you've made, the lessons you've imparted. You want him to agree with you that this is for his best, what he ultimately needs, the path to an even better place. You want him to be friends with you, or friendly, because to you that's how breakups are supposed to work. That what feels good and right to you, and therefore you want it to be what feels good and right for him.

 

Honestly it isn't about him agreeing with me, it's about him listening to my side and acknowledging that I even said anything. Have you ever been in a relationship where everytime you talked about your feelings or your thoughts, it was met with silence and then ignored? I can't even remember one time in our relationship where i expressed my feelings about a matter and had him give me an actual response. Like he would literally just not say anything and then change the subject. All i'm asking for is to be listened to and acknowledged otherwise I might as well be talking to a wall! Relationships don't work if one person always wants to do the talking about themselves.

 

In other words, you want your feelings, your truth, and your story to be THE truth. That is what I mean by both a need for control and for validation. If you loved, if you made sacrifices, and so on--great. He does not need to validate that for it to be true. He does not need to soothe the parts of you that feel icky for hurting him. He can think the complete opposite. He can choose to hate you. That can be what feels good and right for him, which is just as valid as what feels good and right to you.

 

Right, but i don't need him to agree on those things, I just wanted to get a chance to speak my side. Have you ever had an argument with someone who literally just blurted out their side and ignored yours and the conversation went nowhere after that and they made it so you couldn't respond?