Feeling guilty and sad for my ex after we broke up

[Wiseman2]

Agree. The only reason for that is drugs, depression, etc or no attraction because of sexual orientation/desirability of the partner. Parent-child relationships also kill desire.

That is no way near normal.

[Rockchick26]

Rock chick, do your feelings towards being young and free have anything to do with the 18 years you essentially lost working in a factory?

 

I don't feel like I lost those years, because in order to find yourself you have to have a period where you don't know yourself. I don't think it was the job per se, because I had 3 other factory jobs since that one. In fact the job I just had 4 months ago was a factory job.

 

Your sleep disorder?

 

Not sure how this would connect in with who I am as a soul. The sleep disorder just prevents me from going to bed early and getting up early. I guess if you mean it makes me appear like a lazy teenager, lol but I am not lazy so that isn't why I sleep the hours I do.

 

Your intimacy issues?

 

You mean my sex issues? I don't see how that is related to feeling young and free, sex is just painful for me and not enjoyable.

 

I’m not going to quote your old posts, anyone can click and see this free spirit. I’m not the problem they are attitude is something that has happened in recent years.

 

Well you can't lump all my posts into the same category, my reasons for posting them were all different, and they were all different subject matter. I have posted about relationship, friends, career, and life in general. I don't see the "i'm not the problem" thing that you see. For example my problem about knowing a lot of people who are self centered. How is that my problem? I do attract these people by being a friendly person who listens to others and talks about their lives with them, but i don't see how I am the problem in that scenario.

 

I am beyond happy you found yourself, you struggled for a long time and it’s amazing you are content BUT just because you solved one puzzle piece doesn’t mean the rest is going to simply fall in line.

 

I kinda disagree, lol Call it woo-woo thinking or new age thinking but there is a common theme in people who become conscious, self-actualized, awakened, etc. and that is that once you are in a higher vibratory state and are living in line with your essential higher self, everything falls into place. And that is truly how my life has felt especially over the last 3 years. My manifesting power has greatly increased. I find that it becomes effortless for things that I don't want to just slip out of my reality and I find myself realizing the things I want are already present in my life. FOR THE MOST PART. I am not saying my life is perfect, but I am having more and more moments where everything feels like it's falling into place. That doesn't mean I don't struggle, that doesn't mean I have all the answers, just that I am on the right track. I feel like everything is happening the way it is for a reason and it's all for my highest good. But of course there are still stubborn issues that haven't worked themselves out yet.

 

Your romantic issues need to be resolved. I also believe fully this was a mother/child relationship. You keep saying he was patient with you about sex, but I can’t help but see it as a red flag that a 20 year old man had no issue with not having sex at all for 9 months, there’s patience in a relationship and then there’s not caring because it’s not about the relationship but rather having you there to fill an emotional need, which is what you’re complaining about. I think you attract and are attracted to broken people.

 

He's 28, not 20. And 9 months with no sex was nothing for him, he hadn't had sex in 5 years. We did do SOME sexual things, just not intercourse. And I admitted I am attracted to broken people because I feel bad that they haven't been loved enough, i'm sorry my flaw is that I want people to feel loved!

[bluecastle]

What changes are you thinking that I need to make? You want me to only date guys who have no emotional/immaturity issues? I don't choose who I like, I just like some people and out of the ones I like, if any of them like me, we end up dating. And I don't stop dating someone just because they might have issues. You can never tell in the beginning which issues are going to be a problem, unless you let nature take it's course.

 

Actually, OP, most of the time you can tell in the beginning. Your Dec post is a case study in this for future scholars—or for you, should you ever decide introspection is something worth trying.

 

In my experience and observation, the thing that ends a relationship—after a week, after a decade, whatever—is generally something that was spotted early and then suppressed. We suppress for various reasons, some rosy, some disturbing: fear of being alone, deep intrigue in another, wild sexual chemistry, whatever. It's one of those deeply frustrating, if also beautiful, things about the pursuit of romance and love. We mute the logic of the head to test the hypothesis of the heart, to say nothing of the loins.

 

Hopefully—or the hope for many of us—is that over time we become better scientists, so to speak. We accept it's always an experiment, but we've played with enough chemicals to know which ones create explosions, so we stop playing with them. We get to know ourselves a bit better, thorns and all, and in knowing ourselves better we're not prisoners to our basest instincts.

 

So (easy example) we still might want to see if we can tame the dude with the wandering eye, for instance, but we know why, and in knowing why we seek out the dude who has wrangled in the wandering. He's got the qualities we like in a wandering eye dude, but he's done the work, so we get the good without the bs. In other words, we take responsibility—we accept that we are drawn to wandering eyes, which is how we got burned—and in that we find insight and power and make different choices in the future.

 

Would you not like to have a relationship that last longer than a few months? A relationship that maybe includes sex in a way that works for you? A relationship in which, three days prior, you're not listing all the things that frustrate you about your future partner? Because that is possible. But to actualize that potential you have to accept your own past choices and understand what prompted them. That's the kind of "responsibility," I think, people are talking about here.

[Rockchick26]

There you go again making presumptions about what a poster said or meant.

 

I *never* said, suggested or meant you didn't know *anything* about yourself, relationships or life, geez. Your thought process is mind boggling!

 

Yes you did, you said those exact words... "And you will continue attracting the *same* type of guys, experiencing the *same* issues, having learned *nothing*, about yourself, relationships or life in general."

 

I meant by refusing to own your role, not acknowledging that it takes two (your partner and yourself) to make a relationship and two to break it,

 

But I did own my role. I said I ended up having to play the mother role and I didn't like it which is part of why i ended it. but that isn't the whole reason we broke up, it was also because me and him had barely anything in common and we both hated each other's hobbies. That part is no one's fault, it just comes down to a matter of incompatibility. and he was self centered which is not anything I could have changed.

 

and not taking the time to introspect, you prevent yourself from learning from this relationship (and it's subsequent breakdown) and taking what you've learned to your next relationship so it will be stronger, happier, healthier, better.

 

What do you think i've been doing for the last 5 days?! This is EXACTLY what I'm doing.

 

I learn and "grow" from all my relationships, whether I end or he does. I also own *my* role in its demise, even if he treated me like crap. I learn from it, always! And become a better, stronger human being because of it!

 

I am learning and growing from this relationship (as I have with all of them). Your replies are literally the opposite of the truth so there's nothing more I can say.

[Rockchick26]

Observing that someone may have mental or emotional issues does not mean necessarily that the person has a mental illness.

 

It might not fall under a name, but mental or emotional issues signal that someone isn't well, they aren't perfectly healthy, they have something going on that is wrong. That is what illness means. That is what disease means- you are at dis-ease in your body or mind.

[Rockchick26]

:0 That is no way near normal. Poor guy :(

 

He hadn't had sex in 5 years before meeting me!! Is it my fault he didn't have sex for 5 years? Yes I feel sorry for him but that was NOT my fault. We did some sexual things, we just didn't have intercourse and before feeling bad for him you need to realize there were reasons why we never made it that far, not just because I didn't want to. He got more from me than he got in the last 5 years.

[Rockchick26]

Serious question:

 

So, OP, you've been on this thread for a few days now. Words upon words upon words, some of them yours, some of them a handful of pixilated strangers (aka IRL fellow humans) who have invested in your life.

 

When you find yourself going tat of tat for a few hours, as you've done on here, do you leave your computer feeling calmer than before? Or are you riled up, frustrated with what you're hearing?

 

I'm genuinely curious.

 

I only feel frustrated while I am reading the replies that are condescending and judgemental about me, not all of them. But anyone would feel frustrated if they have people being this way with them. After I am done posting I feel better especially if the conversation leads me to having a moment of clarity or revelation about something, which is the whole point of posting in the first place.

[Rockchick26]

Agree. The only reason for that is drugs, depression, etc or no attraction because of sexual orientation/desirability of the partner. Parent-child relationships also kill desire.

 

Well he smoked weed constantly and chewed tobacco and drank a lot of caffeine, not sure how those would matter though. He also had depression from, well, his entire life, that is why he was on anti-depressants. He was also tired a lot and would often fall asleep just sitting there watching tv.

 

But my reasons for not having intercourse were partly because sex is painful for me (doctor said it was because I just need to be opened up more), it did get better the more I did it but still was slightly painful and never enjoyable in the way sex is supposed to be enjoyable. I am like most women and can't have an orgasm through intercourse. Another reason we didn't have sex was because at my age I can't be on the birth control pill so when i was with my last boyfriend I got put on a different kind of pill and it messed up my body and i'll spare you the details but it messed me up to the point that it wasn't worth it and I can't deal with birth control now. So I use the fertility awareness method which is a method of identifying your fertile window each cycle. They advise you to wait 3 cycles before having sex on this method, so 3 months brought me to sometime around March or April. Around that time I started to have doubts about our relationship and wasn't feeling that close emotional connection that I need to have intercourse. With my first boyfriend it took me a year. and this guy knew that and said he was ok with waiting since he was already waiting 5 years before me anyway. And he repeatedly told me he didn't need it, he was just happy to have a girlfriend at all. Also with that small window of opportunity to have safe sex without getting pregnant, it rarely fell on a time me and him were together. In May I started going to festivals and/or camping every weekend and he usually didn't come with me, so most of the summer we only saw each other if he came over to my house for a few minutes before or after work. Also, he didnt take showers very often so i thought that was gross, I wouldn't fool around if he didn't take a shower. One time he did go to a festival with me and it was during my small window where it would have been safe to have sex, and he said he was too tired. So there you have it, a detailed explanation of why we never had intercourse. (We did do oral though)

[SherrySher]

He hadn't had sex in 5 years before meeting me!!

 

That makes me feel even worse for him! Here he had a five year dry spell, finds a date and it's still a no go! How unlucky can he be?

 

Add into it..his "date" is judging him now on nearly every level when she herself has just as bad if not worse problems but she always finds excuses as to why it's not her.

[Rockchick26]

Actually, OP, most of the time you can tell in the beginning. Your Dec post is a case study in this for future scholars—or for you, should you ever decide introspection is something worth trying.

 

I just read my post from December and nowhere in there did he show any red flags that were the ending of our relationship. What my post was about was not being sure if he liked me as a friend or a possible partner. What i found out later is that he DID like me (from the minute he saw me, he said) but he was afraid of getting hurt (understandable, since that's all that's ever happened to him with girls). That is why he gave mixed messages in the beginning. But also, that post was made before we were officially in a relationship. After we were, those issues I complained about went away.

 

In my experience and observation, the thing that ends a relationship—after a week, after a decade, whatever—is generally something that was spotted early and then suppressed. We suppress for various reasons, some rosy, some disturbing: fear of being alone, deep intrigue in another, wild sexual chemistry, whatever. It's one of those deeply frustrating, if also beautiful, things about the pursuit of romance and love. We mute the logic of the head to test the hypothesis of the heart, to say nothing of the loins.

 

That wasn't the case in this relationship. The only thing I knew about him from the beginning was that he was self centered and immature...but at the time I thought the immaturity was the kind I could handle ( for example, being into video games-my first boyfriend was into them too and it wasn't a problem). And his self centeredness didn't show for the first few months because when you're trying to impress someone, you put your best face forward, you play down your faults, and you are totally into the other person which completely hides the self absorbed-ness. That didn't start showing up until around the 4th month. And once that was becoming an issue for me, i already had strong feelings for him and we made so many awesome memories together and he WAS a good boyfriend in many ways so I didn't want to pull the plug until i gave him a chance to maybe mature a little and get more used to what it's like being someone's boyfriend. He even told me it would take him a while to get back into the boyfriend role. He hadn't been in a relationship in 5 years so he was only 22 the last time he was in one and that's pretty young so I'm sure he didn't know what he was doing back then either (obviously not, since none of his girlfriends were happy with him). And then add 5 years of being alone on top of that, and you can imagine he was just kinda learning as he goes with me. It's just hard to leave someone when you know how important the relationship is to them. I truly thought it would get better because I thought he just needed more practice and I thought by being with someone older maybe he would learn faster. I wasn't terribly unhappy though until 2 weeks before our breakup when he just up and left a festival we were at without saying goodbye. Out of the blue. That showed me he doesn't have what it takes to be in a serious adult relationship.

 

Hopefully—or the hope for many of us—is that over time we become better scientists, so to speak. We accept it's always an experiment, but we've played with enough chemicals to know which ones create explosions, so we stop playing with them. We get to know ourselves a bit better, thorns and all, and in knowing ourselves better we're not prisoners to our basest instincts.

 

But people aren't chemicals, we are way more complex. With chemicals they 100% act the same every time but people change and there are a lot of factors involved.

 

So (easy example) we still might want to see if we can tame the dude with the wandering eye, for instance, but we know why, and in knowing why we seek out the dude who has wrangled in the wandering. He's got the qualities we like in a wandering eye dude, but he's done the work, so we get the good without the bs. In other words, we take responsibility—we accept that we are drawn to wandering eyes, which is how we got burned—and in that we find insight and power and make different choices in the future.

 

Well here's another thing, there isn't a man on this planet that doesn't have a flaw. So what are we supposed to do, keep saying "well that guy does this so i'm going to avoid getting burned by not dating him" and then saying the same thing for each guy you meet? We'd all be alone forever if we all thought this way.

 

Would you not like to have a relationship that last longer than a few months?

 

All of my relationships have lasted more than a few months, lol

 

A relationship that maybe includes sex in a way that works for you?

 

Suuuure, however sex is not important to me. i have been single most of my life, I have found that i would rather take care of myself than have to tell a man how to do it for me which, even when it does work, still isn't nearly as good as what I can do myself. I have just never felt like sex was important to me because it's always been a solo thing. On the rare occasion I do it with someone else, it just doesn't do much for me. It certainly wouldn't make me feel closer to the person, because I am demisexual which means I need to feel close to the person emotionally before I can enjoy sex with them. And with me personally I go one step further than that, I can't even enjoy sex THEN because it's painful and just not as satisfying as when I do it myself.

 

A relationship in which, three days prior, you're not listing all the things that frustrate you about your future partner?

 

Yeah if we were all living in Utopia, lol Nobody is perfect. At some point you have to find someone who has things that frustrate you that you can live with forever.

[bluecastle]

Call it woo-woo thinking or new age thinking but there is a common theme in people who become conscious, self-actualized, awakened, etc. and that is that once you are in a higher vibratory state and are living in line with your essential higher self, everything falls into place.

 

Couldn't agree more, as someone with more than toe in the world of woo-woo.

 

But there are words, and there are actions. Conscious, self-actualized, awakened—you've got the language of the Buddha, or the yoga teacher, down.

 

I know that language well myself, thanks to lots of yoga practices, podcasts, etc. And I admit I’ve at times used that language to sidestep actually, you know, living it. Just as I've used yoga to look decent for the ladies in the hope that it'll make me feel more decent about myself.

 

Living it, of course, is the hard part. As is understanding ourselves. The forever practices. I say that not from a mountaintop, but from the same deep and dirty trench we're all in.

 

The beautiful thing about life is that just when we think we know ourselves, when we’ve “figured it out,” life reminds us that we’re amateurs, still quite blind, still coming into focus, and that there is nothing more arrogant than thinking we’ve figured it out. Life begins in silence and ends mid sentence; it's ego that demands it means anything more.

 

One day we’re at a music festival, vibrating with our tribe, high on the juju nectar of having tapped into the essence, of seeing the path and inhabiting it. And the next? We’re in a frustrating, ever-tightening knot trying to figure out why a troubled, erratic, self-centered dude half our age is behaving in a troubled, erratic, self-centered way after we’ve dumped him after spending 9 months with him in part out of pity. We’re on an internet forum feeling judged and throwing pixilated swords at open hands.

 

In that moment we have a choice: We can keep being frustrated at why an erratic dude behaves erratically, or why no one understands the singularity of our vibratory patterns, or we can let go of dude and ask why we’re so frustrated?

 

The former (to stick with the woo) is an unawakened state, a state where the subconscious is not made conscious, where self-actualization is stymied by self-rationalization, self-justification, self-defense, invulnerability, ego. The latter is letting go of what we can’t control—the erratic actions of another, say—and to become conscious of all we can control, which is ourselves, our own conscious.

 

Or, to drift out of the clouds and back to terra firma. Dude came along and spelled disaster. Friends said dude was a disaster waiting to happen. You said dude was a disaster waiting to happen. Then you jumped into the disaster, the disaster happened, and you don't like the aftertaste.

 

What a moment for further awakening! What a moment to be humble and consider that you’ve got some more thorns to remove, some corrosion in the subconscious to scrape away, some more self to actualize! What a moment to say “Oh, self, I thought I knew ye but I didn’t”! What a moment to consider that this young man’s issues (hobbies, depression, hygiene, navel obsession) are not the relevant issues here at ALL. What a moment to isolate where one impulse (bad idea) was supplanted by another (good idea) and try to understand that inner mechanism so it's not acted on again!

[Batya33]

I agree that humility goes a long way towards self knowledge. It forces you to confront your real motives and forces you to consider others feelings as well as what kind of energy and vibe you are spreading. It’s not about new age stuff or abstract thinking. It’s aboit basic nitty gritty choices and actions and the decision not to act. But from a perspective of humility and being other centers ( and not other centered as in “I know what’s best for him more than he does”) then the work is harder and harder to swallow sometimes but the rewards and growth are so much sweeter. IMHO. I have to make choices like that often multiple times a day because my family and work life put me in the front lines and hands on almost all of the time. It’s worth it. Every time it works. And sometimes it doesn’t and then you own it and strive for better next time.

[Rockchick26]

That makes me feel even worse for him! Here he had a five year dry spell, finds a date and it's still a no go! How unlucky can he be?

 

Yeah that is how I felt when I first met him too, would YOU be able to walk away from a guy like that?

 

Add into it..his "date" is judging him now on nearly every level when she herself has just as bad if not worse problems but she always finds excuses as to why it's not her.

 

Well that last part is just your opinion. and I am not judging him, i'm giving facts.

[figureitout23]

You know normally I avoid responding to you line for line, because its time consuming and I feel like Im going in circles but its a beautiful Sunday, Ive got a fresh cup of coffee, what the hay!

 

I don't feel like I lost those years, because in order to find yourself you have to have a period where you don't know yourself. I don't think it was the job per se, because I had 3 other factory jobs since that one. In fact the job I just had 4 months ago was a factory job.

 

Ok then what would you say it was?

 

 

Not sure how this would connect in with who I am as a soul. The sleep disorder just prevents me from going to bed early and getting up early. I guess if you mean it makes me appear like a lazy teenager, lol but I am not lazy so that isn't why I sleep the hours I do.

 

The phrase lazy was not in my question. Adults have to be on certain schedules to function, that includes being awake a certain hours. Understandable, your disorder prevents this but at 40, its odd you think its a valid excuse to just live like this and not get help for it.

 

So again, it becomes a chicken and egg situation. Did you find yourself with this lifestyle or did the lifestyle find you, because there are people within the hippie lifestle who are, well, burn outs.

 

One of my life long friends has a mother who is a full blown hippie, bohemian goddess, however you want to phrase it, she didnt go to festivals but she is very into art, very free spirit, her free spirit friends were always her age. She connected with all of us but as a mother figure because of the age gap. She, as free of a spirit as she was, went to school, had a job teaching young children, and her student became hippies too! It was adorable.

 

So to me, when you use being a free spirit as an excuse for your lack of progress in life, and it is an excuse, I cant help but think youre insulting free spirits who still do what they need to function properly, who have healthy relationships with people of all ages.

 

You are attracting broken people and its not because 'you're too loving' thats a copout codependent people use to excuse their unhealthy attachments to people. You are drawn to broken people. I counted 3 different boyfriends in your past posts as described by you needing you. Having no one else. So the logical conclusion Im making is you want to be in the position you complain you are in. Chicken and egg. Its actually quite common, they even have a word for it: Martyr.

 

You mean my sex issues? I don't see how that is related to feeling young and free, sex is just painful for me and not enjoyable.

 

So are you now claiming its not an issue? If you are I cant help but agree with the posters who say you keep moving the goal post to fit your current argument. I mean NO disrespect but how can you, at your age, expect to have a normal healthy and full relationship without sex. And yeah I know you had a boyfriend for 2 1/2 years and only had sex about 10 times that doesnt mean that its normal. so for you to now act like it hasnt been the reason your relationships are ending and you simply walk away from these men, your posts tell a completely different story so are you lying now or were you lying then? Chicken and egg. This guy at 28 was perfectly ok with not being sexual with you, your post back in December even complained that he didnt even kiss you.

 

RED FLAG

 

But you are a red flag. You wanted him to kiss and cuddle but anything else? Well you need to be in a relationship...but you were...but the timing wasnt right....you cant tell me a happy and healthy 28 year old would be ok with that. So please tell us how you seek broken people because youre so loving. Most people who seek other broken people isn't because they love too much, its because thats all they can get.

 

This is the exact same as your sleep issue, you use it as an excuse while doing NOTHING to fix it. And then you act as if it isnt affecting your life negatively!

 

Im guessing because these arent issues you can blame on someone else.

 

Well you can't lump all my posts into the same category, my reasons for posting them were all different, and they were all different subject matter. I have posted about relationship, friends, career, and life in general. I don't see the "i'm not the problem" thing that you see. For example my problem about knowing a lot of people who are self centered. How is that my problem? I do attract these people by being a friendly person who listens to others and talks about their lives with them, but i don't see how I am the problem in that scenario.

 

Chicken and egg.

 

I don't see the "i'm not the problem" thing that you see

 

but i don't see how I am the problem

 

Can you name one person in your life who listens to you in a way that leaves you feeling satisfied?

 

Im friendly, my friends love to vent to me. Why dont I have the same issues you do? If the only thing thats causing these people to be selfish friends is youre a good listener, why isnt this an issues with more people?

 

I kinda disagree, lol Call it woo-woo thinking or new age thinking but there is a common theme in people who become conscious, self-actualized, awakened, etc. and that is that once you are in a higher vibratory state and are living in line with your essential higher self, everything falls into place. And that is truly how my life has felt especially over the last 3 years. My manifesting power has greatly increased. I find that it becomes effortless for things that I don't want to just slip out of my reality and I find myself realizing the things I want are already present in my life. FOR THE MOST PART. I am not saying my life is perfect, but I am having more and more moments where everything feels like it's falling into place. That doesn't mean I don't struggle, that doesn't mean I have all the answers, just that I am on the right track. I feel like everything is happening the way it is for a reason and it's all for my highest good. But of course there are still stubborn issues that haven't worked themselves out yet.

 

Then dont complain. I know that sounds dismissive but ever time we try to give you solutions you dismiss everythng we say. Do you do this in real life? Is this the reason you feel you arent heard?

 

He's 28, not 20. And 9 months with no sex was nothing for him, he hadn't had sex in 5 years. We did do SOME sexual things, just not intercourse. And I admitted I am attracted to broken people because I feel bad that they haven't been loved enough, i'm sorry my flaw is that I want people to feel loved!

 

Its not a flaw, its an excuse.

[SherrySher]

Would I be able to walk away from a guy like that? I don't date guys that much younger than me. I don't find it appealing and I don't understand how it would work.

My mind is not in that place where I would connect with a 20 something in terms of intimacy or romance.

Yes, I realize that you went on and on about age is just a number and so on, I don't believe that.

Living life DOES change a person and gives them more perspectives and experiences that cannot be gained in any other way other than being on the earth longer.

 

I realize as well that not everyone who is older is mature or wiser, but in my opinion, most are. At least far more than a 20 something.

 

On the other hand, if you're asking me if I would walk away from a guy who had a five year dry spell and he was my age, it depends, could I satisfy him? Would we be compatible sexually? Would it work or would be end up in frustration?

I think very carefully before I decide on any situations, but me personally, I doubt I would have even considered being with him if I knew it was going to be an issue.

He might have been saying it was okay or he didn't mind, but anyone would have known that it wasn't okay. Sex and intimacy are huge parts of a relationship.

I wouldn't want to enter into a relationship knowing I couldn't do much for him.

That's my unselfish minds way of thinking.

[Rockchick26]

One day we’re at a music festival, vibrating with our tribe, high on the juju nectar of having tapped into the essence, of seeing the path and inhabiting it. And the next? We’re in a frustrating, ever-tightening knot trying to figure out why a troubled, erratic, self-centered dude half our age is behaving in a troubled, erratic, self-centered way after we’ve dumped him after spending 9 months with him in part out of pity.

 

It was frustrating for a bit yes, but I wouldnt say it's an 'ever tightening knot', i feel like the opposite is true, that the knot is loosening.

 

In that moment we have a choice: We can keep being frustrated at why an erratic dude behaves erratically, or why no one understands the singularity of our vibratory patterns, or we can let go of dude and ask why we’re so frustrated?

 

I already know why I am frustrated, because the relationship ended with him not getting enough information, me not getting enough respect, and neither of us getting enough closure.

 

Dude came along and spelled disaster. Friends said dude was a disaster waiting to happen. You said dude was a disaster waiting to happen. Then you jumped into the disaster, the disaster happened, and you don't like the aftertaste.

 

Every person you date spells disaster! And 2 of my closest friends never said he was disaster, in fact one of them said she thought we were a cute together and she thought we would work out.

 

What a moment to consider that this young man’s issues (hobbies, depression, hygiene, navel obsession) are not the relevant issues here at ALL.

 

What do you mean by navel obsession? And I dont know how those aren't relevant when they were all small parts that led to us not working out.

[figureitout23]

Excellent post blue.

 

When I was younger I knew plenty of free spirits and hippies who were free spirits in name only.

 

They didnt spend time actually living being at peace with themselves, or seeking a deeper meaning or being one with nature or any of that.

 

They just loved to smoke weed and didnt want to work! LMAO

[EnglishRose9]

This thread seems to just be going round in circles. People are offering advice and urging you to look within. Each and every time your responses are full of defensiveness and excuses. At least that’s how it reads. I’m not sure what you’re getting out of this

[Rockchick26]

( and not other centered as in “I know what’s best for him more than he does”)

 

I just wanted to comment on this part...it isn't like that, I would say this about ANYONE ending a relationship from the perspective of what relationship coaches and therapists say. I would tell ANYONE going through a breakup that it will be easier to move on if you COMMUNICATE first. Yes i'm sure he will move on (I HOPE he does) but it's always better for anyone in any situation to communicate. i feel like we'll never get past this disagreement.

[bluecastle]

So there's the answer to my earlier question. The venting here is helping you untangle. To all of us invested: y'all up for some group therapy later to figure out why WE keep taking on the knot?

 

I'm done with the poetic language. For a woo-woo tribal all-loving soul, your frustrations are selfish. He has all the information an closure HE needed. You want to keep it open a little longer to get what YOU need. And you ain't getting it because, you know, life. Find a modicum of humility and own that. You didn't get enough respect because you dated a guy who doesn't respect himself. That's ancient math—maybe use this opportunity to learn it.

 

Aw, "cute together." I can't...

 

Navel obsession was fancy-talk for self-centered. They are not relevant. They are not why you didn't work out. They were always there. It didn't work out because you choose to overlook them and let attachment get the best of you. You don't want to admit that the best parts of this relationship were being needed by a broken soul, by feeling like the beacon of light healing someone else's darkness, because somewhere in your vibrations you know admitting that isn't the most vibratory way to live.

 

Fact: broken seeks broken. Fact: we all have broken pieces, so no judgement. Fact: until we recognize them, those broken pieces will keep attaching themselves to other broken pieces like magnets.

[bluecastle]

@EnglishRose9

 

I'd venture OP is getting two things that she won't like hearing.

 

1. Attention.

 

2. The offloading of anxiety rather than processing. We are bearing the weight, so she feels lighter. We can talk to our own therapists and friends and lovers as to why we enjoy that, just to get extra meta. That's OUR issues seeping through, not HERS.

 

Brain exploding emoji. Wink emoji. Shrug emoji.

[EnglishRose9]

@EnglishRose9

 

I'd venture OP is getting two things that she won't like hearing.

 

1. Attention.

 

2. The offloading of anxiety rather than processing. We are bearing the weight, so she feels lighter. We can talk to our own therapists and friends and lovers as to why we enjoy that, just to get extra meta. That's OUR issues seeping through, not HERS.

 

Brain exploding emoji. Wink emoji. Shrug emoji.

 

*schedules next therapy session

[Rockchick26]

Ok then what would you say it was?

 

What would I say is the reason why I have feelings towards being young and free? Why would there need to be reasons at all? I just like being free and I am just being me, naturally. I dont know what kind of answer you're looking for.

 

The phrase lazy was not in my question. Adults have to be on certain schedules to function, that includes being awake a certain hours. Understandable, your disorder prevents this but at 40, its odd you think its a valid excuse to just live like this and not get help for it.

 

There is no help for it, there is no cure, there are only ways to "manage" it, but people with this disorder know that's a bunch of crap. People with this either suffer and get sick or depressed, or they work night time jobs, which is what I've always done. So working later hours is how I have dealt with it. but I still don't see how this disorder is related to my breakup. My ex slept the same hours I did and then some.

 

Did you find yourself with this lifestyle or did the lifestyle find you, because there are people within the hippie lifestle who are, well, burn outs.

 

Yeah the burnouts are what we call "wooks". They are the ones always tripping on acid, dont have a place to live or a car, and mooch off everyone. The word hippie encompasses a large spectrum of people. I don't know how to answer the question of whether I found the lifestyle or it found me, (how does a lifestyle actually find a person?), I just know that this is what feels natural to me and I can relate to the people more than any other people (except the burnouts/wooks, I dont have the same exact lifestyle they do but they do tend to believe in love and peace and nature and human rights like I do)

 

One of my life long friends has a mother who is a full blown hippie, bohemian goddess, however you want to phrase it, she didnt go to festivals but she is very into art, very free spirit, her free spirit friends were always her age. She connected with all of us but as a mother figure because of the age gap. She, as free of a spirit as she was, went to school, had a job teaching young children, and her student became hippies too! It was adorable.

 

So to me, when you use being a free spirit as an excuse for your lack of progress in life, and it is an excuse, I cant help but think youre insulting free spirits who still do what they need to function properly, who have healthy relationships with people of all ages.

 

I don't understand how simply telling people what kind of person you are is an excuse. You're just stating a fact. I am not insulting any free spirited hippies. There are many hippies who don't have healthy relationships with people BECAUSE there are still crappy people out there who are toxic to others, so are you saying hippies should just magically not know anyone like that? And what do you mean by functioning properly? Are you saying because she has a job and I currently don't that I shouldn't call her a free spirited hippie or that I make her look bad by giving her the same label I give myself? Like I said, there are different levels and styles of free spirited hippie type people. My festival community has all kinds.

 

You are attracting broken people and its not because 'you're too loving' thats a copout codependent people use to excuse their unhealthy attachments to people. You are drawn to broken people. I counted 3 different boyfriends in your past posts as described by you needing you. Having no one else. So the logical conclusion Im making is you want to be in the position you complain you are in. Chicken and egg. Its actually quite common, they even have a word for it: Martyr.

 

Being a martyr insinuates that you love people only to make yourself feel like a good person for doing it. I love broken men because...

 

1) the odds of us becoming friends or dating is increased when they realize I am a friendly loving person, so they think 'i like this girl, she talks to me and seems like she would accept me despite my flaws'. One of the things that attracts me to men is when we are friends first. This happened especially with my 2nd boyfriend and with this last one too. With both of them our first few months of interaction was strictly a friendship level. With my recent one, I didn't know if he wanted to be more than friends or not, but our first few dates did not include any talk of dating, did not include any touching of any kind, so at first I thought 'i could hang out with this guy as friends.' so I did, until my feelings started to grow, because that is what happens often times with me and guys I am friends with. I had intense feelings for my best guy friend for many years BECAUSE we were friends first which gives me that emotional closeness i need to want to continue further.

 

2) As i learn more about these guys, they tell me about their lives which usually includes some kind of childhood or teenage trauma, bad luck with some aspect of their life, or a lack of love, etc. When they tell me this, I feel bad for them. This usually happens around the time or after the time where my feelings have started to develop. So if you were friends with a guy and thought they were attractive and were starting to get feelings for them and then they tell you this stuff, would you just stop everything and walk away? Only someone who is heartless would do that. So naturally, I want them to be happy so I give them a chance and everything seems great so far so why would I stop?

 

That is my exact thought process and in detailed description of why I end up with broken men, SOMETIMES. I have dated more than just the 3 that ended up being my boyfriend, these are just the 3 that became full fledged relationships.

 

So are you now claiming its not an issue? If you are I cant help but agree with the posters who say you keep moving the goal post to fit your current argument. I mean NO disrespect but how can you, at your age, expect to have a normal healthy and full relationship without sex. And yeah I know you had a boyfriend for 2 1/2 years and only had sex about 10 times that doesnt mean that its normal. so for you to now act like it hasnt been the reason your relationships are ending and you simply walk away from these men, your posts tell a completely different story so are you lying now or were you lying then?

 

If it was an issue FOR THEM, they never said it. The first relationship ended because he was my only relationship so far and I knew there was something better for me out there, most people dont just stay with their first relationship just because. I was pressured into dating him. It was my first relationship, my first DATE. And having a first date at 26 is not normal, so what happened was I kept dating him even though I didn't like a lot of things about him. I just had this itch to get some variety and see other guys because after 2 1/2 years he wanted to marry me and that didn't feel right to me. My 2nd relationship ended because we argued a LOT, and he broke up with me 2 or 3 times but then kept saying he didn't mean to. He also borrowed a lot of money from me and I was keeping track so he knew how much he still owed me and the final straw came one night when we disagreed on how much he owed me. I realized this was stupid, we were on and off again and always arguing about something, and whenever we'd go to festivals together he would literally leave my side and walk around with anyone else but me. He did this from the very beginning even when we were getting along. He told me "I never hang out with whoever I go to festivals with, I hang out with other people". But anyway i'm getting off track. That relationship ended because of the money thing and because I was sick of the arguing and the on/off again crap. And this last relationship well you know why that ended, the whole FB comment incident about how I was afraid to hurt him (because our differences became too much and his self centeredness became too much).

 

So I don't see how sex played any part in any of my relationships ending. Unless they all didnt want to be with me because we didn't have sex enough, but it was still me who ended them (or in this case, told him it wasn't working).

 

This guy at 28 was perfectly ok with not being sexual with you, your post back in December even complained that he didnt even kiss you.

 

He was ok not having sex because he repeatedly told me he was just happy he had a girlfriend and he just wanted someone to cuddle with on the couch and watch tv. I can show you in his messages where he said these exact words, many times from day 1 up until even a few weeks before we broke up. The reason why he didn't kiss me in the beginning was because he was afraid of getting hurt and he wasn't sure if i liked him or not. He did kiss me a few days after that post.

 

But you are a red flag. You wanted him to kiss and cuddle but anything else? Well you need to be in a relationship...but you were...but the timing wasnt right....you cant tell me a happy and healthy 28 year old would be ok with that.

 

He was not happy or healthy, that is my point! He was on anti depressants and hadn't even been on a date with a girl in 5 years. He was depressed and lonely and he would take whatever he could get, he even tried dating another girl there right before i started.

 

So please tell us how you seek broken people because youre so loving. Most people who seek other broken people isn't because they love too much, its because thats all they can get.

 

I don't seek them, it just happens naturally. I explained in detail how this happens earlier in this post. and these guys aren't "all i can get", i have turned down many dates by many guys in my life. The main reason I turn them down is usually because I'm not attracted to them and/or we just don't click, also i'm hesitant to date guys if I didn't already know them (either as a friend or a coworker). Like I said, being friends first is very important to me.

 

This is the exact same as your sleep issue, you use it as an excuse while doing NOTHING to fix it. And then you act as if it isnt affecting your life negatively!

 

Like I said, there is nothing that fixes this sleep disorder, at least they haven't found a cure yet. and it does affect my life negatively but I deal with it by doing the only thing I can, sleeping the hours my body will sleep.

 

Can you name one person in your life who listens to you in a way that leaves you feeling satisfied?

 

Why does this matter, when it's beyond my control? One of my friends listens to me equally as much as I listen to her, and I have another friend who listens to me (somewhat) although most of the time she is too focused on talking about her life, but she does listen to me occasionally. But yeah that isn't satisfactory, because it's still not a balanced relationship. I could screenshot our conversation right now and show you how she's been talking about her life for the last 3 hours and we haven't talked about me at all.

 

Im friendly, my friends love to vent to me. Why dont I have the same issues you do? If the only thing thats causing these people to be selfish friends is youre a good listener, why isnt this an issues with more people?

 

When I made that post, a few people did say they had the same issues as me. And one person replied that it was a common problem and she was in therapy for it (if I remember right, I don't have time to find it now). but you won't have these issues if you happen to have friends who aren't self centered, that's really all it is.

 

Then dont complain. I know that sounds dismissive but ever time we try to give you solutions you dismiss everythng we say. Do you do this in real life? Is this the reason you feel you arent heard?

 

I am not dismissing everything everyone says. I give people more information, I correct them if i have to, and i do agree with things people say when i don't respond or dont include that part in my reply. And I don't do this in real life no because most people I know don't talk about me. This thread is about me so it should be about me. But in real life conversations should be balanced about both people. I don't feel heard in real life literally because I will say things that get no response. And that goes for online and in person. I will type long paragraphs to people and they will not even acknowledge them. Or I will talk about something about my life and people usually just talk about themselves in their next sentence or dont say anything at all (my ex was the one that did that the most but a few of my friends do it too).

[Batya33]

I just wanted to comment on this part...it isn't like that, I would say this about ANYONE ending a relationship from the perspective of what relationship coaches and therapists say. I would tell ANYONE going through a breakup that it will be easier to move on if you COMMUNICATE first. Yes i'm sure he will move on (I HOPE he does) but it's always better for anyone in any situation to communicate. i feel like we'll never get past this disagreement.

He feels he did or feels he doesn’t need to. You don’t get to dictate whether he does or doesn't in particular because he is the victim of your choice to end things. And no it's not "always better" -that's an opinion and you're entitled. You made my point about humility. If you practiced humility and being thoughtful then your perspective would be more like "I think it would be better for him if he communicated after I broke up with him and I feel that way in general. He's shown he doesn't want to communicate with me for whatever reason. I have to accept that because he is his own person and on top of that we are no longer together. He is not obligated to communicate with me about the relationship or anything else. Therefore I have to humbly accept the things I cannot change."

 

(and no I'm not talking about obligations to communicate meaning if there is property involved or children, a shared pet,etc).

[Rockchick26]

He feels he did or feels he doesn’t need to. You don’t get to dictate whether he does or doesn't in particular because he is the victim of your choice to end things. And no it's not "always better" -that's an opinion and you're entitled. You made my point about humility. If you practiced humility and being thoughtful then your perspective would be more like "I think it would be better for him if he communicated after I broke up with him and I feel that way in general. He's shown he doesn't want to communicate with me for whatever reason. I have to accept that because he is his own person and on top of that we are no longer together. He is not obligated to communicate with me about the relationship or anything else. Therefore I have to humbly accept the things I cannot change."

 

(and no I'm not talking about obligations to communicate meaning if there is property involved or children, a shared pet,etc).

 

How can you say i'm not being thoughtful when the entire reason this breakup got delayed is because I WAS being thoughtful of his feelings? And normally i would agree about the rest of that but like i've said, he doesn't have his information right. He is moving on with "fake news", so to speak. His thoughts now are based on this fake news when they could be much better thoughts leading to a much easier moving on period. I can't believe I have to explain why communication is good for anyone.