Fighting over money

[itsallgrand]

I honestly hope with all my heart you get to experience your dream of being a father.

[Lester]

Find a good, defined low cost, financial adviser. Together, meet with him/her twice a year.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately you both have poor financial management. Being miserable and miserly is not balanced nor is spending foolishly. The biggest problem is it's making you both very miserable which defeats the entire purpose.

 

You are at odds with each other and exacerbating each others poor financial attitudes. You are penny pinching as a result of her spending and she is spending as a result of your penny pinching.

 

The best thing to do is consult some neutral professionals. That means sit down with a CPA to develop a tax strategy including tax deferred shelters, retirement investments, etc. and appropriate deductions. Also you need a financial planner to help sort out a reasonable budget and short term, long term goals as well as which insurance products For example you mention chronic illness. Do you have appropriate health and life insurance?

 

Also someone to advise you that you are married therefore a legal and financial unit, not you live on $115 and she lives on $45. Also review other expenditures. What are the monthly bills? Car expenses? Phones? Cable? Utilities?

 

The third is marriage counseling to address conflicts and chronically undermining each other. You sound depressed and overly miserly. Being penny wise and pound foolish is not a healthy nor effective financial strategy. Never having down time or leisure is also a huge mistake so do make some allotment for that.

 

You have A Lot more expenses than gas, "grocery once in a while" and commuter passes. You eat food, consume electricity, pay auto insurance/maintenance, wear clothes, have a phone, watch tv, use internet and eat more than "once in a while". Unless you get marriage therapy you better price out how expensive divorce is because that is where you are headed.

[tattoobunnie]

Put a budget together in an excel file, and enter in line items of expenses, food, going out, savings, etc. And figure where she can spend, and what she can't. Some people are horrible with numbers. Give her a cap spending for the month. Plus, set an amount that you must discuss together before purchasing, like anything over $250.00

[mustlovedogs]

Put a budget together in an excel file, and enter in line items of expenses, food, going out, savings, etc. And figure where she can spend, and what she can't. Some people are horrible with numbers. Give her a cap spending for the month. Plus, set an amount that you must discuss together before purchasing, like anything over $250.00

 

Why does HE get to just set her spending limit? Why can’t it be a joint decision?

[reinventmyself]

Put a budget together in an excel file, and enter in line items of expenses, food, going out, savings, etc. And figure where she can spend, and what she can't. Some people are horrible with numbers. Give her a cap spending for the month. Plus, set an amount that you must discuss together before purchasing, like anything over $250.00

 

How about she set the limits and tell him how much he ought to spend or save?

 

We are just hearing his side of the story. Just because he's uber conservative with money doesn't automatically make her reckless and in need of someone dictating to her how much she can spend.

 

They both need to come together with something they are both comfortable with. That's often difficult because it means that they both may very well have to give up something in good faith and for the sake of the marraige.

 

aka - Compromise.

[boltnrun]

My ex husband decided long before we ever met that women spend money recklessly and they need a tight rein or they'll spend you into the poorhouse. Even though my idea of a splurge was $50 at Target and we usually spent $20 on a meal out once a week. He even decided I shouldn't work because that way he would have the "right" to dictate how the household money was spent. Even though I was raising our children.

 

Notice I said EX husband.

 

Yes, compromise is key. Not one dictating the rules as if their spouse is an irresponsible child who needs to be lectured and put on an allowance.

[reinventmyself]

Yah, my ex often said - someone needed to have the final say, and because he made the money -that gave him the privilege.

 

It wasn't until the end that I found my spine and surprised myself when I responded `in other words, my life has no value. Why did you entertain me all this time when you were going to do whatever you to anyway?' Silly me.

 

It became increasingly clear to me that I was nothing more just a guest in my own home.

 

. . and then I filed for divorce.

oh. . and kept the very house I was nothing more than a guest in.

 

[tattoobunnie]

Hubby and I discuss when either of us want to spend on something over $250. Just an example. Not sure where in my post with one person dictating all. They both want a house, and need to work with a budget to save for one.

[mustlovedogs]

Hubby and I discuss when either of us want to spend on something over $250. Just an example. Not sure where in my post with one person dictating all. They both want a house, and need to work with a budget to save for one.

 

“Give her a cap spending limit”

[reinventmyself]

Hubby and I discuss when either of us want to spend on something over $250. Just an example. Not sure where in my post with one person dictating all. They both want a house, and need to work with a budget to save for one.

And figure where she can spend, and what she can't. Give her a cap spending for the month.

 

It doesn't address his opposing issues with money. It just points a finger at her.

For that matter, he isn't even mentioned.

[tattoobunnie]

A cap they both agree on...I don't know her or him, but I know it takes fiscal compromise, a budget, and savings to get a house and have a successful marriage.

 

If you two want to fight over your interpretation of "giving her a cap", by all means, but letting her do whatever without a budget in place, won't get them on a vacay or joining the homeowner club anytime soon.

 

A couple needs a cap...a he or she who just spends on whatever, doesn't do well with savings. Met plenty of women who spend it on $1000 shoes they wear once.

 

I've got two kids, a mortgage, and 2 businesses and an 830 credit score. I know where every nickel is.

[mustlovedogs]

A cap they both agree on...I don't know her or him, but I know it takes fiscal compromise, a budget, and savings to get a house and have a successful marriage.

 

If you two want to fight over your interpretation of "giving her a cap", by all means, but letting her do whatever without a budget in place, won't get them on a vacay or joining the homeowner club anytime soon.

 

A couple needs a cap...a he or she who just spends on whatever, doesn't do well with savings. Met plenty of women who spend it on $1000 shoes they wear once.

 

I've got two kids, a mortgage, and 2 businesses and an 830 credit score. I know where every nickel is.

 

A cap is fine. It’s the phrasing. Giving her a cap versus deciding upon one.

[boltnrun]

And the whole "letting her" phrasing.

 

I think a better choice of words would be "deciding between the two of them what a reasonable spending budget is".

 

I can tell you that as a wife who considered herself an equal to her husband, I did not take well to him trying to assert himself over what he would and would not "let" me do.

[tattoobunnie]

When I married my husband, he had a 520 credit score, and over $20,000 in debt he didn't know about until I had him call everyone on his credit report. I helped him pay off, and now he has a 797 credit score. While some people don't want anyone exerting control, there are endless situations where a partner is out of control.

 

Another good example is my dad who is a degenerate stock market gambler. The nicest man on the planet, but has lost close to $8 million over the years. Three years ago, my mom had to bail him out of a tax bill for $90k...he neglected to tell her he gambled all of his 401k.

 

So while any placed control may not work for some, fighting over semantics, I don't see how just talking would work since he already has. She needs to see in black and white what wiggle room they have and don't have to get the long term goals achieved.

 

My buddy is currently engaged to a deadbeat woman who just lives off of welfare, even though she is mentally and physically able to work, and has full grown children. He thought by giving her the responsiblity to pay the bills because she refuses to work more than 10 hours a week, while he works a Full time and part time job to pay for all of them, she just doesn't bother paying the bills, and has destroyed his credit. Some people don't change with just discussing. Action plans are helpful.

[mustlovedogs]

Nothing OP said makes me think his wife is a degenerate or whatever. I do think a discussion is valid. And I think controlling finances is financial abuse - regardless of how irresponsible someone is.

[Wiseman2]

Agree that heading into a parent-child dynamic will put the final nail in the coffin. They are already fighting, miserable and unable to budget, plan or manage money appropriately.

 

Correct. Marriage is a legal unit meaning the assets are joint. They are not dating where he can make arbitrary rules such as "I live on $115 and you live on $45". Nor can either of them hide or withhold money. They simply need professional objective advice since negotiating this is creating great conflict. They are both from poor backgrounds and both have poor financial approaches.

controlling finances is financial abuse

[Annia]

You're vague on her spending so I'll be reserved. Having just married a woman who makes substantially more than me, any entitlement I may feel toward personal spending extends to what I'd otherwise spend living comfortably on my own. In other words, if I make $70k, I spend like I make $70k. I don't spend like I'm making my lady's $145k. Any extra or disproportionate amount she wants to throw in should and will go into joint goals such as, quite aptly, a home, not my clothes or movie collection.

 

You need to make an honest assessment. Is she spending how someone who's not "Spartan" would? Or is she unreasonably compromising your joint goals that you're disproportionately contributing toward? If so, you've gotta prepare for your own future and unfortunately make sure you don't have this woman's spending sinking you once you're not able to work. If not, you've quite simply got to loosen up.

 

Congratulations on the marriage!

 

Besides that, I agree with this post.

[nutbrownhare]

I used to live with a guy, and we were both self-employed and needed to have separate bank accounts. We also had a joint account for joint expenses such as mortgage and bills, which we'd pay into every month, plus a bit extra as a 'cushion'. It was a situation which had arisen out of necessity but it struck me after a couple of years that it worked so well that it would be a good idea for anyone.

 

Our separate bank accounts meant that if either of us wanted to buy something expensive, that was on US and wasn't being subsidised by the other. Not that either of us examined our expenditure forensically; once we knew that the basics were covered it could be safely forgotten about.

 

To the OP... reading between the lines, I'm guessing this isn't just about money. You have a potentially life-threatening condition and the prospect of mortality is something facing you every day, in a way which doesn't apply to most of us. Your nightly dialysis is there are a constant reminder, almost a way of measuring your life.

 

Money's a strange thing. It's fundamentally neutral, but all sorts of emotional issues get entangled with it and - this is just a guess - for you it may be equated with feeling safe and secure - especially if you come from a poor background where everything had to be measured out. So your wife's expenditure, even though it wouldn't be considered excessive by most, is going to feel as though she's undermining your sense of security and purpose. Even her taking up your closet sounds like an impingement on your space and something you don't give up willingly. Aspects of your life have taken on a huge significance because of this tragic daily reminder; as I say, just a guess.

 

Telling you that you've 'got to loosen up' seems a bit like telling someone who's hanging off an imaginary cliff edge that they need to let go. This may be true, but it would be such a terrifying prospect to the person involved that it's not going to happen without some kind of emotional support.

 

So my advice to you is to get someone neutral to look at your joint finances, decide WITH YOUR WIFE what your joint priorities are, and both work towards them. Nobody here knows what your financial situation is, but if everything's actually OK and you still have these anxieties, look at those and get support, rather than trying to control your wife and working yourself into a state of despair in the process.

 

Good luck!

[tattoobunnie]

So my mom just told me that after paying $90K to cover my dad's tax bill two years ago, my dad just blew through $40K past few months.

 

To be clear, I don't know how much of a miser the OP can be or if his wife is anywhere near a shopaholic...but to add on to my point, people can't assume others know how to handle their finances, and sometimes you need tough love to get to specific goals. If everyone knew how to handle their money...probably a lot less people going into debt overspending what they make trying to keep up with the Influentials, or in my dad's case, gambling it away.

 

I am sure the OP and his partner would 100% benefit creating a budget that works for both of them. I find that a lot of couples glossed over things, and one is left feeling like one overspends, and the other is taken for granted. And it comes down to communicating things; whether love or finance, you need to discuss both. When two people aren't getting eachother's points, you have to put it in black and white as to where money is going.

 

I can understand the Cali market; my FIL lives in a tiny-arse apartment with his wife, and very happy, even though he makes $150/hour, and she works too...the housing market out there is crazy!

[abitbroken]

If you have kidney failure, i think you should loosen up.

 

1) your wife is under stress because of your condition and if she goes to the thrift store or the consignment store as a stress outlet -- she is not going to Nieman Marcus or anything -- a whole bag at where she is going might cost her $5-10. If she goes to scrapbooking classes, that is a way of making friends.

 

2) having experiences - travel if possible are things that enrich your life and create memories. Our family always went on a vacation. it wasn't around the world or anything expensive. it was usually in the same state or visiting relatives.

 

3) If you are going to die, saving for a house isn't as important right now. its not the MOST important thing right now, i should say. If you are saving enough money to buy a house cash, it is going to be a LONG time in coming.

 

I think as long as the bills are paid on time, etc, then i think that you can't expect your wife to live a spartan lifestyle. Your priorities should be quality time with your wife first and foremost, because you can't take all your money with you. My uncle was a real miser and all he cared about was created an inheritence for his kids. Guess what kind of memories they have when he died (on the young side) =- he was always working or saying no - they never went for ice cream or got to join any sport that wasn't included in their tuition. And they didn't get the inheritence, either. It went to funeral expenses, final hospital bills etc. hoping that things improve for you (i assume stage 4 means you are on the transplant list, no?) If you are, ering over scrapbooking is really trivial.