Are age gaps the last taboo?

[itsallgrand]

Take a real look around. I'd say there's more pressure on younger women to get with an older guy than there is judgement about age gap relationships when both are full adults .

Hell, there are still millions of actual girl children married off to men as I type this. And even in countries which are more supportive of women not just being there as property and to have babies, we are only barely crawling out of the memories of relatives who were.

Not being feminist here, pointing out how absurd it is to claim this as the last taboo . There are taboos , where freedom is actually limited within society if you cross. But this isn't one and you both are totally free to be with each other and live life as you each see fit as two adults.

 

I think your girlfriend is just nudging you that this isn't something she can or will commit to, and that's fine, but it's not a societal ill that some people may take some extra looks at what can be confusing.

[Andrina]

If she's so mature and into you, why does she let Mommy and Daddy dictate who her lifetime partner will be? I wouldn't continue dating someone, falling more in love every day, if they told me the barrier was too great to overcome and that they would be ending things at an undetermined time convenient to them.

 

As for me, I'm glad I didn't marry a man old enough to be my dad. I help my elderly parents out and if I had to help an elderly husband in the same way, my life would be far more stressful. No thanks.

[superfan]

She's a fully fledged adult and so is the OP. In that respect there's nothing really taboo about this relationship. It's not like she's below the age of consent and he's old enough to be her grandfather.

 

That being said, for me personally, an age Gap like that would squick me out big time.

 

When I was 25 before I met my husband and got married, I was on a couple of online dating sites and I would regularly have men in their 40s and 50s sending me messages.

 

I remember feeling pretty grossed out by it because these men were far older and much more experienced than what I was comfortable with. It always felt like my youth was being objectified and I was both repulsed and intimidated by them. I remember thinking 'eww why can't they find someone their own age'.

 

For some, a gap like that wouldn't bother them. For me, I wondered what was wrong with the men that they went for someone far younger and arguably less mature.

 

Now I am in my mid 30s and my husband (slightly older) just turned 40. If I were suddenly single tomorrow, I would still be grossed out if a man in his 50s or more tried to message me.

 

OP you're always going to have people wondering that. It's up to you whether you let it bother you.

[SherrySher]

I agree superfan, when I was 25 I had the exact same thoughts. I always felt the 40 somethings were letches for trying to score a 20 something. I also felt there was something wrong with them for not being married to a woman their own age and were going after the 20 somethings.

And lastly, I remember thinking that should one ever try something with me that I would feel violated like someone's Dad was touching me and shouldn't be.

 

This had nothing to do with society, this is how I felt as a young woman. Not going to lie to you, I do wonder what this girl is thinking. I would think most women that are in their 20's feel the same way, unless they're gold diggers.

[Realitynut]

My son told me too old to date someone, was if they could be your dad. Or too young if they could be your kid. 25 and 42...isn't that bad. I'd say late 40's would be pushing it. And as always, depends on the person. Like Annie said, she wasn't some dumb airhead at 25, and if you're a fit, rock climbing stud at 42...who are we to judge?

 

There have always been the old dudes with the young chics...now what i find taboo....and i'm royally P*ssed about is why can't I at 64 date a 54 yr. old. Sucks. I go to my class reunion and crap...they all look and act so old. Not just the men...but women too!

 

I'm traveling to the Upper Peninsula tomorrow...by myself. I'm going Hiking in Utah the end of next month....for 12 days. By myself. I wish i could find a happy healthy older man...but hahahaha...they stay married. Or are dating the 30 and 40 year olds. That's why the older women look at them askance.

[annie24]

but hahahaha...they stay married.

 

Gotta find a widower then swoop right in!!

[jakesv]

Major incompatibilities in relationships happen when one party goes through a major change that the other party can't or won't be able to follow. One person moves and the other one doesn't. One drug addict recovers and the other stays addicted. (Or someone gets a new vice the other doesn't). There is a tragedy and it changes each member in very different ways. All of these can happen to any relationship. Age gaps add an extra one, in that you increase the amount of these kinds of transitions the relationship must weather. One person is still into clubbing or going out often, while the other grows out of it and wants to settle down.

 

I am not making a judgement on YOUR relationship, but the other issue is that there is such a power imbalance, that these types of relationships are more likely to be abusive.

 

It is for these two reasons that I don't think it is the same as the other taboos you mentioned. On the other hand, the social makeup of society can have an effect on even these. If the economy were flatter, putting older and younger members of society pretty even in terms of wealth, say, some system where younger members are given a significant allowance, and older members are heavily taxed, that would lessen the chance for those power imbalances that enable abuse. Similarly, medical or health/nutrition improvements can push back those ages where energy drops, enabling those later transitions to happen further on.

 

Or, you know. If life expectancy drops, and having as many babies as possible becomes the most important part of relationships again, then you will see this taboo go away. Because the values are different.

 

This is one of the most intelligent things I've read on the Internet. Ever.

[jakesv]

I'm not sure where you get that from because believe me, 73 and 20 is very very very high on the EWWWW scale! Ugh.

 

I guess just the fact that you can search for these age-gap couples (George Clooney, Harrison Ford, Alec Baldwin) and their young brides, and the word "disgusting" never comes up. Even with Ellison (74 now) and his 20-something wife, no one seems outraged. Obviously they are decades apart:

 

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My girlfriend and I have a much smaller gap, but she's convinced people are judging us constantly.

[jakesv]

I find this very interesting. Is she aware that your plans are to spend some years with her (if it works out) and then break up? Is she just some eye-candy for you to parade around? Just curious.......

 

We talk about it all the time (too much, honestly, because it's kind of a depressing subject). She's going to law school in 2 years and will likely move away then. And she's hardly "eye candy." Sheesh...

[Realitynut]

Gotta find a widower then swoop right in!!

 

LOL...I did. At my class reunion a month ago. Nice looking too. But bored me to tears. First night he picked me up to go eat...he already had my fb picture as his screensaver on his phone! Yikes. Then during the dinner I mentioned I had a small house in Florida. He said...very seriously...I don't want to move to Florida!!! I thought...Who the hell asked ya??

 

OK...Thread back to OP.

[jakesv]

Funny that you describe this as the last taboo. Speaking in broad brushstrokes here, men have been dating younger for...well, for just about forever. I don't think people really care about it in the way they once shunned homosexuality or inter-racial romance, but maybe the eyebrow that was always raised internally is now just less hidden.

 

Think of it this way: the revulsion that people felt with (say) a black man touching a white woman was visceral. It felt somehow like a crime against what "God wants for us." (I'm making this up because I was never part of this class of Americans, but I have older relatives who were).

 

I am old enough to remember people openly describing the nausea they felt at the thought of two men kissing. Honestly, the idea still makes me uncomfortable. But I would never begrudge two people in love from being together even if they are both men.

 

Is Age Gap Distaste Different? Ok, so many people here have said that a 74 yr old and a 25 yr old is "Gross" and it's "Eww"? Where is that coming from? Is it a visceral reaction to the idea that two such people are sexually involved? That a wrinkled desiccated hand is touching a young supple hand? If yes, how is this any different from the above?

 

Perhaps some of the friction you're describing is the result of society becoming more equal—not perfect, by any means, but a far cry from the 1950s when a lot of proto-male bs wasn't called out. Today it's different. So when you have, say, a certain type of man (30s/40s, decent looking, successful, into his own hobbies, etc.) dating someone in, say, her mid-20s (likely attractive, but still very much coming into her own) it's hard not to make some unsavory assumptions about the dynamic. The man gets judged a bit for not having the confidence to date an equal, and the woman gets judged a bit for dating a dude who doesn't want to date an equal.

I think this is pretty astute and probably spot-on.

 

And yet, kind of infuriating. Why would anyone feel entitled to make assumptions about other people based on 1 or 2 points of information. And then draw harsh conclusions as a result.

 

Curious: Does your gf feel "stared at" primarily by men or women?

 

Primarily older women. They seem to be the most interested in our relationship and the most pissed off by it. (This is according to my girlfriend... I never notice other people staring at us, but I'm not as observant as she is.)

[Realitynut]

And she's hardly "eye candy." Sheesh..

.

 

 

But that's what people think. Older guy...younger woman...arm candy. Just like an older woman with a younger guy...she must want him just for the sex.

 

My twin brother...so old (63) married a Fillipino girl a few years ago. She was 33. He said he wanted someone who would still want sex. ugh She had a 9 month old and her (older) husband had just died of a heart attack. He realized she wanted him for security, and hopefully she realizes what he wants her for...

 

She's a really nice girl. I honestly can't figure out how she can tolerate my brother. But you do what you can do. They live a comfortable life. It's only been 3 years...so we'll see.

 

 

[Realitynut]

Primarily older women.

 

LOL...cuz the older guys are envious!!!

[jakesv]

It's telling, maybe,

Blue: you've been very fair and warm in sharing your thoughts, but "It's telling" gives me the chills... usually this is followed up with some attempt to mind-read and then tell me what I'm "really thinking" as if I somehow must be unaware of it. In other words, people who start sentences that way are not usually warming up to drown me in compliments... and here we go...

 

that when OP describes what makes this so fun is that his favorite activity (rock climbing) is shared. And, hey, she's probably enjoying being with someone who can show her new things: climbing, meals, trips. But she brings to the table...Netflix?

You misread. I said, in my post you're referring to, that my favorite thing is climbing, that we both enjoy travel, dining, spending time with friends, and that we both watch Netflix (though it's more her thing than mine). You interpreted this as "her only contribution to the relationship is Netflix." That's both wrong and pretty uncharitable.

 

I'd wager she's also super cool, sweet, chill—a lot of adjectives men use when describing younger women, though of course there are super cool, sweet, and chill women in their 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s.

You'd lose your wager. I have said "sweet" but she's probably said that more to me. And "super cool, chill"... not how I talk.

 

Nice try though. Do you want to add in how I probably drive a Corvette and wear suede suits and have lots of gold necklaces and go to Vegas every weekend too? :rolleyes:

[jakesv]

So you're acknowledging that she'll make a great wife to someone else some day?

 

This is your girlfriend you're talking about, the relationship you've spent 3 pages defending, talking about how happy you are?

 

Why are you already planning for her to marry "someone else"?

 

I'm deeply in love with this woman. I would give anything to keep her in my life. But I'm not going to demand she reveal our relationship to her parents and that they revise their views on age-appropriateness for their daughter. That would be insanity.

 

She wants to get married. She wants children. I totally understand that plan and I'd love to be part of it, but it just won't happen given my age and her parents' views. I've accepted that and so has she. It's depressing to think we'll have to part in a couple of years, but I'd rather have spent this time with her than anyone else on the planet, so I try and keep that perspective in mind.

[jakesv]

I'm traveling to the Upper Peninsula tomorrow...by myself. I'm going Hiking in Utah the end of next month....for 12 days. By myself. I wish i could find a happy healthy older man...but hahahaha...they stay married. Or are dating the 30 and 40 year olds. That's why the older women look at them askance.

 

Good for you Reality! That's awesome! :)

 

My mom told me that when she sees some older guy and a young girl she thinks, "the poor ex-wife who supported this schmuck until he divorced her and left his kids with her." That's where her thoughts go, and why she resents these couples... even though she knows that's not my story.

[Realitynut]

Well....my storys not that awesome. My on and off guy for 5 years just walked out on me 2 weeks ago...no fight. Just left. Never heard another word.

 

But it seems as if you have a history of dating much younger women. I was busy reading you other thread from 2016. I'm dying to know about Hannah who was 21 at that time!!!!!

 

And taking this bawling 21 yr old girl and repossessing the car and sending her home in an Uber seemed extremely mean.

 

I hate not know the end of a story...I was so invested!!! lol

[jakesv]

Well....my storys not that awesome. My on and off guy for 5 years just walked out on me 2 weeks ago...no fight. Just left. Never heard another word.

 

But it seems as if you have a history of dating much younger women. I was busy reading you other thread from 2016. I'm dying to know about Hannah who was 21 at that time!!!!!

 

And taking this bawling 21 yr old girl and repossessing the car and sending her home in an Uber seemed extremely mean.

 

I hate not know the end of a story...I was so invested!!! lol

 

Oh god... I forgot I posted that whole ordeal here.... sigh. We stayed together a little longer, but eventually I ended things. She just could not stop lying to me constantly. Ironically, she just texted me out of the blue yesterday...

 

...life goes on...

[SherrySher]

Can I just ask, why aren't you dating women your own age? You seem to go for the younger ones. Whats the reason for that?

[bluecastle]

 

You misread. I said, in my post you're referring to, that my favorite thing is climbing, that we both enjoy travel, dining, spending time with friends, and that we both watch Netflix (though it's more her thing than mine). You interpreted this as "her only contribution to the relationship is Netflix." That's both wrong and pretty uncharitable.

 

 

You'd lose your wager. I have said "sweet" but she's probably said that more to me. And "super cool, chill"... not how I talk.

 

Nice try though. Do you want to add in how I probably drive a Corvette and wear suede suits and have lots of gold necklaces and go to Vegas every weekend too? :rolleyes:

 

No judgements from me, buddy, and sincere apologies if you caught a bit of unintended snark. I say to you what I say to anyone and everyone: have a blast! If it's working, let it work.

 

That you're posting here, that your gf is catching some edge from the outside, that the conversation has become a regular one between you two...well, something's stirring, and you guys will navigate all that in whatever way works for you.

 

For the time being, it sounds like you're nothing expanding each other's worlds and bringing each other joy. And that, in the end, is all any of us want, for a minute or a lifetime.

[Realitynut]

Agree. 25 and 42 ain't that bad! I've heard worse. Now when I have a 25 year old message me on a dating site...I tell them I have a 25 yr. old son sleeping on my floor right now!! (Was the truth at that time....shudders) But dang...any guy in his 50's wants to chase me down...her I am!!!! lol

[SherrySher]

What if either of you had a daughter that was 25 and she brought this 42 year old home. Would you still be all good with it? Yes, I understand they are both adults but wouldn't you want better for your child? And wouldn't you wonder what this man wants with your daughter?

 

I tell you, if it were my daughter, there wouldn't be any welcome mat at the door, that's for sure. I'd also think the 40 something was a loser and had to prey on young women.

 

Same story if I had a 25 year old son, no way do I want some gross old woman in her forties all over him. I'd have to get in a b@tch fight. No way would I would ever allow her near my son. That too is disgusting.

[thornz]

I don’t see the problem when she’s 25, she’s hardly a child. I imagine the parents concern is justifiably out of wanting the best for their daughter. Looking at the practicalities if you choose to have children you may be unable to pull your share physically, you may be retired and therefore the financial burden of child rearing also falls on her. Your grandchildren may likely never meet you and she might outlive you for many decades. However,! All these scenarios could play out if you were the same age. If it were my daughter, you being a good partner that would be more important to me than any other factor. If she was 20 though, I would certainly be looking at you more scrupulously.

 

My best friend met her partner at 15, they started dating at 16, he is 19 years her senior. They are still together 14 years later and have a baby boy. He is a good partner in a few respects so far as I can tell but that will never change my opinion that he groomed her as a child and trapped her into a serious commitment in the prime of her life.

 

Once you get past your prime and are considering more serious things then who cares if your partner is older so long as they are a good match and treat you as they should? The only exception to this for me would be a woman approaching 40 dating a young man under 30 with a view to getting pregnant ASAP. I think that’s pretty warped and manipulative.

 

I find older men more attractive, men my age just don’t seem to have the same interests and are still generally very imature. I am considering that it would be more practical to date men closer to my age if only for the fact they are likely to have less baggage and more energy for future child rearing.

[Clio]

OP, I could be wrong, but it sounds like you may have a history of consistently going after 20 something year olds. It may be that you have some preconceived notions of your own that it might be useful for you to reflect on/acknowledge... Why does dating women your own age seem to be a "taboo" for you?

[saluk]

How do you know how the parents would feel about you - when you are a secret?

 

This is mostly filtered through the GF. I'm kind of with bluecastle. Are people really saying these things - or is it her wondering if this kind of relationship is what she is looking for. And if she really is under this kind of pressure, why is she listening to outside influence rather than being confident in her choice?

 

Well, younger people are more influenced by their parents and their friends than older people so...