Are age gaps the last taboo?

[Wiseman2]

Age gaps have been around forever particularly the more common older guy/younger woman one. Older women/younger man recently gained much more acceptance. So comparing it to the struggles interracial or LGBT people have had is a bit dismissive.

 

Do you mean the dirty old man thing? That isn't about dating, however. Her parents and your mother don't approve. The rest of the world has seen it so they don't really care.

I am in an age-gap relationship and my girlfriend (in her 20s) feels constantly stared-at when we are in public together. we'll break up because her parents will never accept me.

[DeepPurple88]

Go with your heart, bro. You don't have to marry her. You don't have to have a lifelong commitment. Just have fun until Alzheimer's kicks in! LoL

I had the most fun of my life with a 26 year-old absolutely perfect woman while I was 49. We both had a great time and neither of us cared what everyone else thought.

I was PROUD to be seen with her and she loved the attention and fun times we always had. I'm not rich, but I AM handsome AF. ;-)

Our friends were totally cool - never met her parents, but they are about 12 years older than me, so.

Anyway - best woman in terms of compatibility that I've ever known. She moved away - miss her like crazy!

[Wonderwoman11]

I am 30 and have been in 3 relationships with men 15+ years older than me. And it has nothing to do with their status or money. One of them was broke, one of them very well off, and my most recent ex was in between. I have just always been attracted to older men.

 

I never felt CONSTANTLY stared at. But you definitely do get looks or comments from time to time. I have found that most of them come from women around the age of the man I was dating. And occasionally from men around his age, who would make a comment about him "picking me up at the high school" or something like that but then proceed to hit on me the moment he wasn't around. So in my opinion most of the men judging seemed to be a tad bit jealous. And the women judging seemed a bit bitter about someone younger "swimming in their pool".

 

As far as my parents go, they have met every one of them. And i was terrified for them to meet. I thought it would be insanely awkward. They were skeptical at first, but once they saw I was happy, they were fine. My most recent ex, who is 46, they loved. He was like part of our family and my mom even went as far as saying she would be devastated if we ever broke up. She not only didn't care about the age gap, she wanted me to end up with him. I think a lot of times girls are worried their parents will react badly, but really once they see that their child is happy and being treated well, that is all that matters to them.

 

My most recent ex I truly thought I would marry. We got along better than anyone else I've ever been with. The only age related issue we had was that I thought I might want to have another child and he wasn't sure he wanted to do that at his age. Obviously we had other issues because we still broke up. But I'm just saying, sometimes the things you think will ended up being a problem really don't matter. She might think her parents will flip out but they actually might not have a problem with it.

[Annia]

From what I observe older men with younger women is generally accepted but older women with younger men is much less accepted.

 

I always felt attracted for older men (like 10 years older than me) and had a very happy and fulfilling age gap relationship in my early twenties and my family loved him. The age gap was 13 years. We broke up because after some years we realised we were at different places in life. He was ready to marry and have kids and I wasn't at that time despite loving him and wanting all that with him someday. Plus he started to work in another country and it made it all even harder.

 

This is just my personal experience. I was very happy with him but you have to take in account that sometimes age gap relationships face many obstacles because both can be at different stages of their lives.

 

I have a 39 year old friend who's dating a 20 year old and they seem quite happy though, what surprises me because he was the kind that never settled down and this relationship is lasting longer than most of his relationships in the past 10 years I've known him (almost 1 year I think lol)

[Annia]

I agree superfan, when I was 25 I had the exact same thoughts. I always felt the 40 somethings were letches for trying to score a 20 something. I also felt there was something wrong with them for not being married to a woman their own age and were going after the 20 somethings.

And lastly, I remember thinking that should one ever try something with me that I would feel violated like someone's Dad was touching me and shouldn't be.

 

This had nothing to do with society, this is how I felt as a young woman. Not going to lie to you, I do wonder what this girl is thinking. I would think most women that are in their 20's feel the same way, unless they're gold diggers.

 

I was almost always overlooked by guys my age. I never had guys I was with on high school or college interested in me, never. However I always got attention from older men (10-20 years older) than me. At this point where I'm in my late twenties I think it's "ok" but when I was in my early twenties I found it odd that these men would take interest in me.

Nowadays I think I tend to attract and be attracted to men on their thirties and the age gap is not so telling as I'm at a point where these people are my equals (I think).

[IAmFCA]

My man is 10 years younger, 52/42. Nobody cares.

 

The age gap is real though. Kids, retirement, self esteem all are areas where our thinking reflects our age. We are okay with our resolutions; the fact that we are okay doesn't mean there isn't an age gap. There is, and it is relevant.

[smJackson]

I don't feel like age gap relationships are taboo. My first age gap relationship - I was 19 and he was 42. After almost 20 years and 3 kids, I got tired of him. He was older and we were at different places in our lives. (Him taking blood pressure meds, never wanted to go out, acted old) I had grown up and he had aged considerably.

 

After him, I dated a guy that was 16 years older than me. That age gap relationship was WORSE than my first one. He was very controlling, and physically and mentally abusive- always accusatory. He's gone now.

 

Now I stay within my own age range- 35 to 45. I've learned that age gaps are just THAT-- and that the tastes in music is different, life perspectives are different, their upbringing was different than mine were-- so, it's not taboo but to me, not a good idea for a long term relationship.

[jakesv]

Hey, just to respond to a few comments made here:

 

1) I've been divorced 6 years and I've dated people in their 20s (two women), 30s (two women) and 40s (three), with the oldest being 48. The 48 year old was the most immature person I've ever dated, despite also being the oldest. I know that's just anecdotal, but it shows that age doesn't necessarily tell you everything about a person.

 

2) Thank you to all the encouragement and wisdom from other people in this thread. I just got off the phone with my girlfriend and I actually mentioned this forum to her and what people's thoughts were. We're just going to adopt a wait-and-see attitude and focus on enjoying our time together... you never know what might happen. And I'm ridiculously in love with this person... I want to focus on that.

 

3) A few of you asked what would happen if this were my daughter and she were dating someone much older? I wouldn't mind at all, as long as the guy was treating her well. That said, I would be strongly opposed to marriage and kids with someone with our age gap. I wouldn't want my daughter to be having children at 30 with a guy at 47 (he would be 65 when the kids are in high school...).

 

---

 

I read today that Eddie Murphy (57) is expecting his 10th child with his wife Paige Butcher (39). No one seems upset by this, perhaps because he has enough money to ensure their child will be taken care of even if he dies at 70.

 

Part of me wants to have more children, but I don't think it's fair to the kids if Dad is a senior citizen when they're in high school...

[Realitynut]

Hey...watch it....lol. I'm 64 and can keep up with parents in their 40's. (kinda!) I got married at 32, had my 2nd kid at 37. All my friends were at least 10 years younger, and I didn't feel old at all. BUT...and this is a big BUT....I just went to my class reunion and a LOT of them looked and acted old. So I guess a majority would be old in their 60's. YOU just wait til you're there, you'll change your mind!!! lol

 

BTW...as i said, my twin bro is now raising a 4 yr. old who might have autism, and a 7 yr. old. He did a horrible job raising his first 2....maybe this is his second chance.

 

MY opinion after this long winded reply...if you truly do love her, and she wants kids....Marry the girl and have some. YOU ARE NOT TOO OLD!! You rock climb for peats sake. Trust me on this one....as long as you're able to bike with the kids, shoot a few hoops, hike and rock climb with them while they are growing up...you and they will be just fine. I figure at 65...a person has at least 20 more years. Make the best of it!

[SherrySher]

Are you serious? How fair is that on the kid? He will want to be doing things with his Dad, like all the other Dad's (40 or younger) and he has to deal with a geriatric.

That's crap...no matter how nice you want to paint the picture, it is crap.

 

And OP, you keep citing all these movie stars or billionaires if you hadn't noticed they live in a different world than the rest of us. Different rules, different perspectives, different bank accounts, etc. No way could the avergae person compare to their lifestyles so best to not think you are like them or visa versa.

[jakesv]

And OP, you keep citing all these movie stars or billionaires if you hadn't noticed they live in a different world than the rest of us. Different rules, different perspectives, different bank accounts, etc. No way could the avergae person compare to their lifestyles so best to not think you are like them or visa versa.

I'm in the 1%. But it doesn't matter... my girlfriend claims that her parents would never accept me even if I were Elon Musk. Although she comes from a pretty poor family, they hold their dreams for their daughter (marrying someone her own age, having kids, etc) above material wealth. And I totally agree with them...

 

So yeah, SherSher, I agree that movie stars live on a different level, but I'm as wealthy as some of them... it just doesn't change anything for my situation.

[Wiseman2]

Then why is she continuing with you? Have you asked her?

my girlfriend claims that her parents would never accept me

[IAmFCA]

I think 47 is within bounds to have kids but I wouldn't want to... At 55 and 65 their lives are pretty demanding while I am looking to simplify a bit. If, OP, you can afford and desire to focus on family time instead of work responsibilities, then late stage parenting might be a blast.

[jakesv]

Then why is she continuing with you? Have you asked her?

 

We've talked about it a lot. Her immediate goal is law school next year. She has no plans to get married and have kids until after that (which usually takes about 3 years), so she's happy to spend time with me, traveling, rock climbing, or just hanging out.

 

I catch myself feeling down, sometimes, when I realize that I can't spend the rest of my life with this person I love and who is (by far) the best match I've ever found. It bums me out that the relationship has to end some day. But then nothing is permanent anyway, right? Life ends too some day...

[SherrySher]

I agree, IAm. I had the same discussion with my partner. We're not old but our child would be finishing highschool and we'd be close to 60. Neither of us felt it was fair to the child at all.

Most people don't lose their parents till they're at least 30 onwards (usually) but to consider possibly losing a parent at a younger age, or (god forbid) have to take care of an ailing parent at a younger age, it would be terrible for the parent and the child.

 

Yes, I know, there are some very healthy 60 somethings, but not everyone is lucky and we don't want to roll the dice. If it came out wrong, our child would get the short end of the stick.

 

We both had to admit that although it's still possible to conceive, that boat has sailed. We would want better for any child we had and that being for us to be at least 10 years younger.

 

It's sad. Closing another chapter of your life but it is what it is.

 

I think this is what you will find, OP, more realities of life to face far sooner than she will. The age differences will get in the way eventually.

 

All you can do for now is enjoy this time together but be strong enough to let her go when the time is right.

[HeWhoIs]

I go to my class reunion and crap...they all look and act so old. Not just the men...but women too!

 

I'm traveling to the Upper Peninsula tomorrow...by myself. I'm going Hiking in Utah the end of next month....for 12 days. By myself. I wish i could find a happy healthy older man...but hahahaha...they stay married. Or are dating the 30 and 40 year olds. That's why the older women look at them askance.

 

Reality Nut: I'm a 59-year-old male, and when I do extreme sports, 75% to 80% of the participants are male, and half of the women who participate are there with their husbands or boyfriends. Most of the single guys would be very happy to find an outdoor-oriented woman with whom to do things, and the women have guys clamoring for them.

 

Like you, I find that most people my age (men and women) act old and aren't healthy enough to do the things I want to do. The exception is when I go to these kind of outdoor sporting events, where those who are still physically capable and are interested in doing stuff like this go (after doing a difficult stretch of whitewater, we talked about our ages, and three were 67 years old). I think if you go to outdoor events that also interest you, you'll find that you are outnumbered by healthy men who are your age (and even though I'm fortunate enough to be healthier than many or even most at age 35 or 40 at my ancient age (people in the USA are unfortunately in lousy shape), I can't imagine a 35-year-old woman who I could really connect with for an extended period of time. She hasn't done what I've done or been where I've been.

 

[by the way, I've noticed a big difference between those i meet where I live, at my high school reunion, and at my college reunion. At my college reunion, unless they crippled themselves in sports during college, which many of my friends unfortunately did), those at that reunion tend to be far more active, intelligent, and they aren't acting old.]

[LifeasMe]

Yes, I believe they are.

 

My ex bf in is thirties has just broken up with me (late 40s) due to our 15yr age gap. He can't get over how other people will judge him.

 

Less taboo is older male/younger female.