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Relationship anxiety - how can I stop it before I end up alone forever...?

Pretzel

By Pretzel
in Relationship Advice

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abitbroken Grand Master

abitbroken

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Example: tonight I came home to crash at his place tonight (planned in advance and he gave me keys) since I offered my room to family who is visiting from abroad. He was more than welcoming of the idea and sounded like he was looking forward to me staying over even though we were both out with different commitments doing our own thing. He called me when he just got back, seeming eager to see me. When I arrived he'd totally passed out smelling of beer. I tried to get closer for a hug or greeting but he was in such deep sleep that he was barely articulating words, and just turned away and I whispered hey how are you? And he just grunted "hi. Ok" and carried on snoring. It seems very very unreasonable for me to be sulking over a person who is asleep. And yet for some reason, it got to me.

 

People who are sleeping who we try to jostle awake should not be held responsible for their tone. I would have waited until he woke up naturally.

 

I honestly think you read too much into things -- subtle tones of voice that you believe is someone slighting you. Anything, it seems, that someone says that does not have bubbling enthusiasm in their voice is taken as "cold".

 

it's not you/don't take it personally/I've just had a rough day" and then I immediately feel reassured or safe that our relationship is in tact,

 

someone who constantly thinks their relationship is over if someone doesn't hold eye contact for the correct amount of seconds, or rehearse their tone of voice to be the right pleasant tone is quite frankly, exhausting. If you are not careful, the relationship could run its course if you are constantly looking for reassurance for things he can't even begin to perceive. if he announced he was going to China for 8 months this early in the relationship, i totally would understand why you would want reassurance but taking the temperature of the relationship minute by minute is exhausting.

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Jibralta Grand Master

Jibralta

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Hey guys,

 

I haven't come here for a while for advice, but today I'm feeling a little bit down and feel like I'm hitting a brick wall. In any relationship I've ever been in (since I was 16 years old) I've always experienced relationship anxiety. I become preoccupied with the relationship, and develop insecurities.

 

Before anyone says I need to spend more time single, I spent years of my twenties single, and i was single throughout university too. I'm now 29. I feel pretty good about myself in general, career stuff is all good and i feel secure in my friendships, so it appears to be something specific to romantic relationships.

 

I remember since my very first boyfriend when i was a teenager, always finding fights incredibly painful, and feeling scared he'd leave me in any conflict we'd have. This used to drive me to clingy behaviors and have panic attacks - over very silly small fights.

 

I would recover maybe the next day and it would be fine.

 

Anyway, to this day i'm still repeating the same behaviour. My current boyfriend does not start fights with me. I don't think he has ever done such a thing. But he might say something that can come across a bit cold and abrupt at times, and this can send my anxiety into overdrive if it is late at night especially.

 

There have been a few occasions where I have expressed anxiety and upset over something small, late at night, where I am seeking reassurance, and he says 'can we just talk about this in the morning' but he doesn't say this in a empathetic way, he is quite harsh when he says it. This makes me feel a whole lot worse, so I keep him up, late into the night, and i start crying and he thinks its performative/emotional blackmail so he doesn't take it seriously enough, until the other night where I was shaking and unable to speak from how much i was crying because my brain thinks that's it, he's going to leave me. Him not being able to reassure me just makes it worse and worse. Until he finally gives in and consoles me and tells me everything is okay and that we're good.

The other night it happened again, I asked him if he's going to break up with me, and he said "not if you're working on this".

This stuck with me. I haven't since told him, but i have felt anxious ever since, that he may not love me unconditionally. I wonder if he loves me and is staying with me just in the hope that i'll change.

 

​I also want to be able to tell him that I can work on this and would like to get better, but I need him to be more reassuring to me in these moments of doubt I have, to stop it from escalating. ​Is this something I can reasonably ask without irritating him? I don't know why it takes him so long to understand that all I ever wanted in the first place was a hug or an empathetic response. I'd like to tell him that 'when you're overly aloof and harsh and snappy with me, it makes me feel terrible'.

 

The problem is that the first sign of anxiety he sees in me, he just acts like I'm a nuisance, wants to run a mile, and he acts irritated instead of giving me the reassurance I need. Instead of it taking 2 hours for him to finally hug me, I just want him to be able to do it at the first instance.

 

Am i asking too much of him? What can I do?

 

Yes, I think you are asking too much.

 

It's not unfair to ask someone to be sensitive to your emotional needs. But it is not his job to reassure you.

 

Your temper tantrum is totally inappropriate. Crying and carrying on until you get what you want is acceptable from a toddler, and only for a short period of time. Behavior like this from a grown woman borders on abuse.

 

You know what is acceptable and what is not. How can you demand that he be sensitive to your emotions when you do not respect his?

 

Only a fool would stay with someone who is so controlling. So, unless you want a fool for a husband, you need to change your ways.

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Batya33 Grand Master

Batya33

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where I am seeking reassurance, and he says 'can we just talk about this in the morning' but he doesn't say this in a empathetic way, he is quite harsh when he says it.

 

Because he is exhausted. its late at night and the last thing anyone needs is someone who wants to have a relationship talk. Anything that they say -- being tired and exhausted - could be terribly misconstrued and they do not want to be put in that position. I know - when i was 23 - that was me --- i would not get up the gumption to talk about something until 1 am. its not a good thing to do. Take a deep breath. Don't bring it up. ANd if its still deeply important to you after a good night's sleep, bring it up later.

 

Also, you came out of an AWFUL relationship before this guy that you insisted on hanging on to -- a man who disappeared, a man who pouted and had tantrums like a 2 year old when he wasn't getting his way, etc. So now you are bringing insecurity into a relationship that started out fine and seems to be with a more even-tempered man. Do you feed off drama and conflict and when there is none, you get insecure? it happens --- first step is recognizing it and second is catching yourself before you take it out on someone

 

Yes, this and everyone else with similar sentiments. I was like that with my boyfriend before my husband -I had serious doubts about the relationship - my thing, not his -and he'd often be distant/aloof. I really was wrong in wanting him to be there to reassure me even if he was busy/it was late, etc. That was wrong. I check myself when I am feeling needy because it's not fair to my husband or others who care about me to subject them to neediness too much.

You will find that if you present yourself to your partner as a typically self-sufficient, pulled together person then when you have those needy times you won't have to ask -he'll offer.

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boltnrun Grand Master

boltnrun

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The way to "fix it" is to step away from the idea that it's his responsibility to ease your anxiety and fear. Those things are yours and expecting him to fix you is akin to breaking your leg and expecting him to perform the surgery to reset the bone. You wouldn't expect him to do that, would you? So why expect him to "fix" your emotional issues?

 

You can work with a professional who can give you tips and techniques to self-soothe. This can make YOU responsible for relieving your self-imposed anxiety and fear.

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Jibralta Grand Master

Jibralta

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Some people like this dynamic, that's for sure. I think they are attracted to the highs and lows. The movie industry is what it is because drama is exciting. I personally find it exhausting, but to each her own. I have no issue with Pretzel's preferences, but she either has to find a fellow drama-lover, or she has to dial it back a bit lest she drive the calm ones off.

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Batya33 Grand Master

Batya33

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Some people like this dynamic, that's for sure. I think they are attracted to the highs and lows. The movie industry is what it is because drama is exciting. I personally find it exhausting, but to each her own. I have no issue with Pretzel's preferences, but she either has to find a fellow drama-lover, or she has to dial it back a bit lest she drive the calm ones off.

 

Yes I agree. And she also would have to take the down side of attracting a controlling type person.

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Jibralta Grand Master

Jibralta

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Yes, that is usually the source of the ongoing ups and downs, the quest for control. I'm right/you're wrong, etc. Then they come on here and poll to find out who more people agree with and get strangers to join the bandwagon and badmouth their partner. LOL.

 

I'm not saying Pretzel will do that, but I see it here all the time.

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  • 2 weeks later...
Pretzel Collaborator

Pretzel

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Thanks guys, sorry it took me a while to come back to you and thank you for all your advice, I read it all and benefited from it for sure. I hope that it is obvious from my posts that the purpose of me coming on here isn't for any boyfriend bashing or to get people to side with me - in fact I'm relieved that it isn't his fault because I don't want it to be something i cannot control. But if it is mainly my issue then I know I CAN control it and find a way. I told him i think i'm an 'anxious attachment' type and that I'm working on it. He's glad I'm working on it, and he's been a lot more understanding about it since I acknowledged this. He also accepts he's an 'avoidant' type and is also working on it. I guess that's the best we can do, really.

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Batya33 Grand Master

Batya33

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Thanks guys, sorry it took me a while to come back to you and thank you for all your advice, I read it all and benefited from it for sure. I hope that it is obvious from my posts that the purpose of me coming on here isn't for any boyfriend bashing or to get people to side with me - in fact I'm relieved that it isn't his fault because I don't want it to be something i cannot control. But if it is mainly my issue then I know I CAN control it and find a way. I told him i think i'm an 'anxious attachment' type and that I'm working on it. He's glad I'm working on it, and he's been a lot more understanding about it since I acknowledged this. He also accepts he's an 'avoidant' type and is also working on it. I guess that's the best we can do, really.

 

I think it can be helpful to label as shorthand but labels can stick for far longer than they're useful. People change -especially their behaviors - constantly and labels can trigger someone to see you as the label not as an individual. I'd start with individual and specific changes in your actions and reactions and leave the labels to a therapist or professional.

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Pretzel Collaborator

Pretzel

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@Batya, I agree with you and that's a really good point. I normally try to steer clear of labels, but in this case I have found it useful to use labels or at least to place each other on a spectrum, because it has allowed us to see more clearly where we are, identify patterns and work out where we need to go.

 

It was his therapist who first introduced attachment theory to him some months ago, and that's how he learnt that he has an avoidant attachment style. We agreed that we both need to meet each other in the middle and become more secure in our attachment styles. Easier said than done but I'm happy that he was open to thinking in this way and i think it has been beneficial to me, to be able to talk about it in this way.

 

I am seeing a therapy adviser and plan to start therapy in September.

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