Is it ever appropriate to ask your BF who he is texting?

[ThatwasThen]

Its against the law to do that where I live. If nothing else I'd be asking him to please stop texting while he's driving.

[j.man]

I totally should have said something right then. It's not unheard of him to text and drive, though he doesn't make a habit of it... Something did seem slightly different about this text.

Yeah so there's still a problem of you lamenting it as a missed opportunity rather than the safety concern others are expressing.

 

I had to ask my fiancee to not wear headphones while walking through downtown Manhattan and to not check her phone while crossing the street. That never manifested into "What are you listening to?" Or " who are you emailing?" It was a direct concern, just as it would be if someone were texting while driving me.

 

At the end of the day, what answer would relieve you? If it were a female co-worker but one you weren't familiar with, what then?

 

You see how trust at some point needs to be factored in?

[katrina1980]

 

It's like we're always on our "best behavior" with each other and I'm never entirely, entirely sure what's going on beneath the polite and agreeable surface. The nice thing is that the relationship is much less volatile than any I've had in the past. I'm afraid to mess that up. But at the same time I agree that my ongoing insecurities about this, manifested in different ways, have been a consistent in my posts here.

 

 

Off topic a bit, but this^ sounds to me like you're walking on eggshells, afraid to "rock the boat."

 

It also suggests lack of true "emotional intimacy."

 

You're both holding back, not fully opening up, allowing each other "in," becoming vulnerable with each other.

 

My last LTR was a bit like this. At the time, I though it was great, we rarely fought, I even referred to him as my "rock" sometimes.

 

When the reality was our RL was cold, distant and lacking in emotional intimacy. We were both afraid to be vulnerable with each other, afraid to rock the boat (myself more than him), so I held back, one could even say I was in a sort of denial.

 

CG, don't be afraid to "rock that boat." If it results in an argument, then have an argument! And then resolve.

 

I have learned that conflict is NOT a bad thing, it's how we deal and resolve our conflicts that's important.

 

I have also learned that experiencing conflicts, and resolving together in healthy way, will actually bring your closer, NOT more distant, as many believe.

 

Next time he says or does something that troubles you, hurts you, confuses you or concerns you, speak up! Not in an accusatory way, but in way that let's him know what's going on inside YOU, how you feel about things, how you feel about him, your RL and what's happening inside your RL.

 

Let him into your world and hopefully he will follow suit and allow you more into his.

 

Less "polite," more intimate.

 

Edit: Or perhaps you prefer it this way? Some people do, which is okay it that's what works for them.

 

It's hard to tell in your case. I do know you've created many threads on this forum about your RL, things that trouble you that you fear bringing up directly with him.

 

Which leads me to believe you're not that happy and wish things to be better, closer, more emotionally intimate?

[boltnrun]

It seems to me like you're afraid.

 

What are you afraid of with regard to this relationship?

[Jibralta]

I agree with others that you seem to have a lot of fear in this relationship, like you shouldn't rock the boat. So much so that you accept being in a dangerous situation repeatedly.

 

The way you describe your relationship makes it seem as though it's a mystery to you.

 

I am surprised to hear that you've been with this man for years. Could it be that it is your comfort zone to doubt yourself and deny your own self interest?

[Amalia13]

I agree with the others that you need to work on this relationship so you can feel comfortable.

 

However, I'd have to say that any time I pick up my phone to text someone in the company of a guy (date, boyfriend), or even my girlfriends, I say "excuse me/I'm sorry, I just need to send a quick reply to my realtor/coworker/dad". I think it's courteous and respectful to do that.

[citrusgreen]

Off topic a bit, but this^ sounds to me like you're walking on eggshells, afraid to "rock the boat."

 

It also suggests lack of true "emotional intimacy."

 

You're both holding back, not fully opening up, allowing each other "in," becoming vulnerable with each other.

 

My last LTR was a bit like this. At the time, I though it was great, we rarely fought, I even referred to him as my "rock" sometimes.

 

When the reality was our RL was cold, distant and lacking in emotional intimacy. We were both afraid to be vulnerable with each other, afraid to rock the boat (myself more than him), so I held back, one could even say I was in a sort of denial.

 

CG, don't be afraid to "rock that boat." If it results in an argument, then have an argument! And then resolve.

 

I have learned that conflict is NOT a bad thing, it's how we deal and resolve our conflicts that's important.

 

I have also learned that experiencing conflicts, and resolving together in healthy way, will actually bring your closer, NOT more distant, as many believe.

 

Next time he says or does something that troubles you, hurts you, confuses you or concerns you, speak up! Not in an accusatory way, but in way that let's him know what's going on inside YOU, how you feel about things, how you feel about him, your RL and what's happening inside your RL.

 

Let him into your world and hopefully he will follow suit and allow you more into his.

 

Less "polite," more intimate.

 

Edit: Or perhaps you prefer it this way? Some people do, which is okay it that's what works for them.

 

It's hard to tell in your case. I do know you've created many threads on this forum about your RL, things that trouble you that you fear bringing up directly with him.

 

Which leads me to believe you're not that happy and wish things to be better, closer, more emotionally intimate?

 

Katrina, this is SUCH good advice. Thank you so much. I really do want a more emotionally intimate and comfortable relationship, and I like the idea that pushing myself a little bit out of my comfort zone (and beyond the fear of rocking the boat) might actually help to achieve that. I will definitely work on all of this! Thank you so much for all of your encouragement and insight along the way!

[citrusgreen]

It seems to me like you're afraid.

 

What are you afraid of with regard to this relationship?

 

This is a really good question, boltnrun. I agree there is some kind of underlying fear there. Maybe it relates to some kind of underlying realization that I'm getting older and seeing this as my last chance not to be alone. Or maybe reflective of some issues/fears of authority that I have (on some basic level I have more respect and admiration for this guy than others I've dated in the past; and he's also older). Or maybe the fear of this relationship dissolving into the kind of volatile dynamic I've experienced with past boyfriends.

 

Good news is I just found a therapist, and hope to work on some of these possible issues with her.

[DissyLu]

Wow I can see myself in your shoes OP

 

A couple years ago I was in a relationship with a guy and I had this terrified feeling in my gut the whole time. I found it very hard to open up to him. We lacked emotional intimacy. Even the cuddles we had were forced. I felt on edge all the time. I remember seeing a woman's name in his texts and instead of just saying, "who's x name?" I couldn't do it. I was so scared to let him see anything of myself, my feelings, my concerns. It was awful. I was having anxiety attacks, I kept feeling this strange subtle feeling that something was wrong. The weirdest thing about all this though? He was never unkind to me. Always made time for me. There were never any red flags waving with him. I think because I had just turned 30 I was desperately trying to force the relationship to work out of fear of never finding anyone.

 

What ended up happening with this guy.... well THAT was something I'll never forget. I walked in on him cheating on me. It was then that I realized that gnawing feeling in my gut was my intuition trying to tell me he was being unfaithful. Even if he wasn't, it was never going to work with us anyway...we didn't click in that intimate, emotional way. Sometimes two people just don't mesh well with each other.

 

I'm NOT saying your bf is cheating or that it might not work out down the line. Although it does concern me that you guys have had some type of relationship for years and you still haven't developed an emotional bond. I think that's a red flag of some sort.

 

Take the advice of the posters telling you to open up. Be vulnerable. Let him inside your head. But at the same time, if things don't get better after you've REALLY tried...maybe he's not the right one for you. I know for me, I couldn't be with someone long term who I didn't share an emotional connection with. I think you want that too.

 

Best of luck and keep the big picture in mind ----> Even if it doesn't work out with him for whatever reason, the world isn't going to come crumbling down. You'll find better, I did.

[Metaltwin70]

Just reading the title alone...why would it even be an issue? If he has nothing to hide, he'll show you the message. End of story.

[katrina1980]

I think this texting issue is just a "symptom" of the much larger "disease" -- your relationship is distant, cold and lacks emotionally intimacy.

 

As you said yourself cg, too "polite."

 

You may resolve this issue, but there will only be another and others, for this reason.

 

I really hate to say this, but you may not be compatible emotionally.

 

He seems comfortable with this distance, while you struggle.

 

You're compromsing yourself and your own needs in order to keep the peace. Suffering in silence.

 

I'm not judging you at all, I did this too in my last LTR!

 

Once that was over, I went though quite a bit of bs with guys while trying to find my way, my true path.

 

After almost three years, I am finally in a beautiful relationship with a man I am extremely compatible with, mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually.

 

The journey getting to this place was not easy, lots of lonely nights, tears, disappointments, hurts.

 

But it was well worth all of it!!!!

[citrusgreen]

I think this texting issue is just a "symptom" of the much larger "disease" -- your relationship is distant, cold and lacks emotionally intimacy.

 

As you said yourself cg, too "polite."

 

You may resolve this issue, but there will only be another and others, for this reason.

 

I really hate to say this, but you may not be compatible emotionally.

 

He seems comfortable with this distance, while you struggle.

 

You're compromsing yourself and your own needs in order to keep the peace. Suffering in silence.

 

I'm not judging you at all, I did this too in my last LTR!

 

Once that was over, I went though quite a bit of bs with guys while trying to find my way, my true path.

 

After almost three years, I am finally in a beautiful relationship with a man I am extremely compatible with, mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually.

 

The journey getting to this place was not easy, lots of lonely nights, tears, disappointments, hurts.

 

But it was well worth all of it!!!!

 

Katrina, Thanks, as always for the encouragement and insight. I'm also sooo happy to hear you're happy and with a super compatible guy now!!

 

I definitely, definitely agree with some of what you say. I think I really, really need to push myself to open up more, to think about what I want, to ask for what I want, etc. The interesting thing is that overtime I've done that with this guy, the result has actually been positive. And in so many ways, though the process has been really slow, our intimacy has increased a lot! (Physically, emotionally, etc.).

 

However I don't necessarily assume that HE is comfortable with distance.

 

We have a close mutual friend who moved out of the country about 10 months ago. (It's actually my BF's lifelong best friend, and also a close friend of mine for many years). He just came back to visit and said to me, "Wow! You guys are physically affectionate and cute with each other now! I've never seen you like that before! It's great!" This was also the same friend whom I used to confide in about my relationship concerns all of the time. (Concerns like: why aren't we more comfortable/intimate/romantic/affectionate?). He would always tell me that my bf and I were saying the EXACT same things about each other. I do believe that my bf wants more intimacy -- I think he is used to the woman pushing things forward. I'm used to the guy doing that. You're right -- that may be an incompatibility... but I'm hoping it's an opportunity for us both to grow. (I noticed, incidentally, that in his family his mom is VERY dominant and kind of runs the show; in my family it's the reverse).

 

I recently took the major step (for me) of introducing him to my family (I'd met his a few times), and I've noticed that since then, he's really been a lot more open in many ways -- even in terms of physical affection, etc. It makes me think that continuing to open myself up and take risks might be a good thing for us.

 

But I definitely hear what you're saying; I agree our relationship has taken a strange and slow course... and I will continue to pay attention to this stuff, and as you suggested, push myself to rock the boat when needed, to be less hesitant, etc.

[Jibralta]

He would always tell me that my bf and I were saying the EXACT same things about each other. I do believe that my bf wants more intimacy -- I think he is used to the woman pushing things forward. I'm used to the guy doing that. You're right -- that may be an incompatibility...

 

That is the type of compatibility issue that is easy to bridge, if both people are willing to make a few changes. You guys just each have to take a few risks, a little at a time until you meet somewhere in the middle. It's a matter of comfort zone, not a major values conflict.

 

My question is, why are the two of you taking to a friend about these things? Why don't you cut out the middle man and try talking to each other?

[Batya33]

Thing is if you were just asking to ask, you would have asked and you wouldn't be asking here. I somewhat disagree with communicating your insecurities for the sake of it. There does come a point you should be handling your own insecurities without relying on your partner to placate them.

 

Yes, I agree with this. And to answer the original question no it's not ok unless the couple share a phone or that's just their way of doing things. I could not tolerate that, ever. If I have to interrupt a conversation because of a text I will explain that so my partner doesn't feel put off -and he does the same. I do not want him looking at my phone unless I ask and I never look at his phone unless there's a darn good reason -like he's in the shower and expecting an important call. I don't think he should have to show me who he is texting with and vice versa.

 

But yes I trust him. I always have. He trusts me too. That's the underlying issue here as I think others have said.

[journeynow]

I do not want him looking at my phone unless I ask and I never look at his phone unless there's a darn good reason -like he's in the shower and expecting an important call. I don't think he should have to show me who he is texting with and vice versa.

 

Yes. Pre-cell phones, it's similar to listening on the other line to someone's phone calls, or opening and reading their mail, or reading their diary.

[reinventmyself]

If this exchange hadn't been in the form of text and in real life instead, one might say something `excuse me, I need to respond to so and so' If it were someone you didn't know, he likely wouldn't walk away and engage them without some sort of mention. Right? Why would it be any different electronically? If he is sending a long text out with you one foot away that couldn't otherwise wait, the polite thing would be to make mention of it.

 

So, yes . . in the moment if he hadn't volunteered, there's a 50/50 chance I might have asked what's up?

But I have that type of relationship with my bf and the moment would have been uneventful.

So the moment's passed and I think you already know that you need to work on being more transparent with each other. .when it calls for it of course.

[Wiseman2]

Not "who?" but "why?", when it comes to your safety in a car.

[j.man]

Not "who?" but "why?", when it comes to your safety in a car.

Exactly.

 

Unfortunately, as presented, while you definitely can and should ask he not text while he's driving you (or be prepared to drive yourself if it's a habit he insists on), this isn't a matter of being free to be mindlessly curious or of car safety. Again, there are moments I or she may reflexively ask who the other's talking to or texting. It's about as informational and significant as "how's your day going?" The difference being that there's no real emotional response contingent on who she answers with, and I'm not days later lamenting having passed up an opportunity to ask her who she was texting. Setting a standard whereby you gain emotional security by knowing who your boyfriend is texting is not something I'd ever advise. That security should be coming from within. If the conditions of your relationship preclude that, then I think it's time to start thinking about an exit strategy, whether due to the relationship itself not being right or you not being right for a relationship at the moment.