Would you leave someone over their salary or benefits package?

[Batya33]

Why, Mandeelove, whhyyyyyyyy?

 

 

 

Wait. He's ambitious but you have to get a job? That's pimp mentality right there.

 

 

 

There's no "maybe" about it. That is exactly the case.

 

Yes, I agree with this -I wanted to add to my post that I was answering out of context -if he's been behaving in a jerky way otherwise then yes these comments/criticisms are just one other way he's putting you down.

[boltnrun]

You wrote this in April:

"Yes I stayed. That convo was early on in the relationship so that set the tone and I should of listened to it right away. All I can say is that it got worse in regards to lack of respect and effort. It was always the same story and I do think by me staying he saw me as a pushover. "

 

So, you still went back despite his lack of respect for you?

 

Quoting my own post.

 

Why do you keep going back to this guy when it's been one issue after another?

 

You swear after every breakup that you're done and you're not going back...and yet, here you are, wondering why things are once again difficult.

 

Are there no other dateable men in your area? Why him?

 

And, please, not "but I LOVE him!!!" because that's a cop-out.

[mandeelove]

Quoting my own post.

 

Why do you keep going back to this guy when it's been one issue after another?

 

You swear after every breakup that you're done and you're not going back...and yet, here you are, wondering why things are once again difficult.

 

Are there no other dateable men in your area? Why him?

 

And, please, not "but I LOVE him!!!" because that's a cop-out.

Well he has a very manipulative behavior. He almost sweeps everything under the rug and takes back everything he said. Blames it on his own stress. Tries to let me know it was him. Then he changes for a while. Im not just making it up. Things will be going normal. And eventually I will say "hey that was a good weekend, had a good time" and he will sulk into this mood. He will proceed to tell me the good time is only from my perception and not his. He isnt happy with me etc Im like huh, after ALL the fun times we been having??? The cycle begins.

 

I stay away. Then he calls hours or next day to tell me he was just having a bad day and would I like to get together?. We go out..cycle continues. Few weeks later, same thing. We never really break up. Its just these cycles he goes through where hes normal and then hes miserable with me. (Keeps away)

 

This time it def was going better than usual I must say. And now its back to ,"your career stinks, you make no money." Brand new topic. Comparing me to other women who make lots of money.

 

I have just chalked this up to be a mental health issue on his end. Im too accepting, forgiving, of things .

 

And no ,honestly, the men around here are not dateable. I struggle everyday to tell myself it could be worse with new guys. I hear worse stories through friends and their partners. Again, thats no excuse but half of why I stay is fear.

 

The other half is cutting him slack. Knowing he has mental problems and having a big heart. Im also one to want to fix what I already have instead of start all over.

 

Im not saying any of this is right. Just trying to answer your question on what Im still doing with him.

[saluk]

Being single is amazing. You should try it. Much better than this roller coaster ride. Don't you realize by now that he's always going to pull the rug out from under you when you least expect it?

[Batya33]

I think it's insulting to stay with someone because "it could be worse" - insulting to both of you. Please don't take that path. As far as his doing the negative spiral thing then apologizing I suggest you tell him "what I want is for you to say 'I'm sorry. How can I help?" (this is quote from the modern version of Mr. Rogers - called Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood -and it's how I tell my son to apologize). When your boyfriend says "how can I help" say "you can help by making a different choice in the first place. If you're in a bad mood/cranky/hangry, be aware of that and be aware of choosing not to take it out on me, which is what you do when you criticize me or our relationship."

 

Make sure he knows it is not ok to do the cycle of treating you badly then "apologizing." I overreacted yesterday to a situation (I filled out a document online and lost all the information and vented about it to my husband/got him involved as far as asking him to troubleshoot it but not in the nicest way I could have. I immediately apologized for overreacting that way. And he said he understood that it was out of frustration. But that would not be ok at all if I did that regularly. Cutting slack is fine once in awhile-we're human - but you already know you're letting yourself be a doormat. And it has nothing to do with "no dateable guys". Please.

[boltnrun]

He can only manipulate you if you let him.

 

Tell me, do you enjoy this back and forth, up and down game he plays with you? Does it make you feel secure, loved, respected?

[Jibralta]

But pay? No, fire and police are good. They rank up.

 

Mental health professionals could really use income increase AND an improvement in the system. Same goes with military.

 

Agreed. Police make a sh*t-ton of money around here. So do teachers, and they don't even have to get an actual Master's to get a pay raise. They just need to complete a certain amount of credits and they qualify. I know this because prior to going to graduate school I contemplated becoming a teacher. I sat down with the union rep at the school that wanted to hire me, and he walked me through the handbook. In addition to the guaranteed scheduled raises, the pension and benefits are more than what most people get. Also, salaried people in general tend to take their work home with them.

[mandeelove]

He can only manipulate you if you let him.

 

Tell me, do you enjoy this back and forth, up and down game he plays with you? Does it make you feel secure, loved, respected?

No it feels terrible and stressful

Also feel less than

[boltnrun]

No it feels terrible and stressful

Also feel less than

 

You have the power to end this unhealthy cycle.

 

Ask yourself if 40 more years of this exact same situation is how you'd like to spend your life.

[Capricorn3]

No it feels terrible and stressful

Also feel less than

Then again, it begs the question WHY!??? Do you thrive on the drama? Serious question.

[yatsue]

I dont have any debt or loans or anything. He even saw my credit score. I pay everything on time . Theres no issue. His house is paid off in full. So theres no mortgage. He bought it on his own. I dont live there. Just visit twice a week.

 

The only bills on his end would be household bills , the typical living. Taxes, Food, electric, water, etc. He has no mortgage. And we both lease cars but that is something I do on my own. Wouldnt ask him to pay my car. I told him Id contribute to bills. He said if I ever move in he would like $500.00 a month for living.

 

So between us both , there are no debts to take on. We both are frugal. I always look for deals/sales. So does he. So this is a mind bender if you ask me.

 

We have discussed prenups and I said I would sign one. Of course I want marriage for love but if it makes him comfortable, I would sign one.

 

Alright. Then do you have a savings or an emergency fund you regularly contribute to?

 

As a note, I think he's treating you wrong in his approach. I believe taking a look at your overall situation would be worthwhile towards your relationships in general.

[Batya33]

My sense is his values haven’t changed. It may be that he now sees the reality of you not bringing in an income year round that concerns him and he doesn’t value the work you’re doing over the summer to try to get a promotion - I assume that’s what you meant you were working on now. Maybe as the prospect of marriage gets closer he sees it in a different light. And I also think he’s just not that invested in you so it goes hand in hand - not totally an excuse but partly.

As an aside my friend was very much in love with her husband. They married for live And she wanted a prenup because she had far more assets than him and always would make a lot more and wanted to protect them.

With all he’s shown you of who he is I would move on so that you first can develop a better relationship with yourself where you respect your own boundaries and where you are kind to yourself such that you would never settle for someone under some silly notion that he’s the only dateable guy in your town. You want kids - can you imagine telling your child to pick a spouse based on that criteria? Would you tell your best friend that? You say you want to marry for love. That mindset means you wouldn’t be marrying for love.

[MissCanuck]

This isn't really about savings and salary and benefits, OP. And you know it.

 

He keeps making excuses to avoid really committing to you, and once you jump through this hoop, he'll find another one and hold it even higher.

 

Stay if you wish but know you're making an unwise investment and he will have an endless supply of hoops just waiting for you. Better get them legs muscled up, girl.

[Annia]

I think it's ok to want a partner that fills certain standards that a person have (regardless if we agree or not) BUT it's not ok to be with someone that doesn't fill those standards and then being with them and always complaining.

 

He made the choice of being with you knowing your work situation, so he either accepts it or moves out.

 

Besides and this is what worries me the most is that the way he goes about it is totally disrespectful and he almost seems to like bashing you. It sounds like a bit abusive. He's a jerk and I think you'd be better by dumbing him so you are free to find someone who likes you the way you are and respects you. You're not compatible and he's not nice.

[Annia]

Oh and stop excusing manipulative/abusive/jerk behaviour with the guy's "mental health". He's a manipulative jerk because he chooses to be. Stop making excuses. If he's functional enough to be so successful at work then he's functional enough to be a good person and respect his partner. Set higher standards for your self and aim higher. You'll also realise that being alone is much better than this mess, believe me.

 

You can get the most successful career I the world and change everything you are to be like he wants you to be but he'll always keep on finding things to belittle you and to disrespect you. This is who he is and who he chooses to be. It will only get worse. I have no idea how you're even considering entertaining this guy and much worse marrying him.

 

Be ambitious yes... by dumping people who thrive on making you feel bad about yourself out of your life.

[Batya33]

Oh and stop excusing manipulative/abusive/jerk behaviour with the guy's "mental health". He's a manipulative jerk because he chooses to be. Stop making excuses. If he's functional enough to be so successful at work then he's functional enough to be a good person and respect his partner. Set higher standards for your self and aim higher. You'll also realise that being alone is much better than this mess, believe me.

 

You can get the most successful career I the world and change everything you are to be like he wants you to be but he'll always keep on finding things to belittle you and to disrespect you. This is who he is and who he chooses to be. It will only get worse. I have no idea how you're even considering entertaining this guy and much worse marrying him.

 

Be ambitious yes... by dumping people who thrive on making you feel bad about yourself out of your life.

 

Yes and I want to emphasize again that you've used the title you did which is similar to the other ways you frame your issues - you choose to frame it in a way that makes it sound like it's less of an issue than it is -both as a practical matter and the underlying meaning. Think about that carefully because it gives you a clue to why you are making excuses to stay. So if this were someone you were dating who respected you and you had a new disagreement about career/job choices you might ask "how important is it to agree on what type of job and salary works for the couple?" or in your case the real question is "my boyfriend continues to criticize my life choices and values in a disrespectful way -what options do I have?" Obviously if someone said to you out of the blue with no context or reason "I am going to leave you unless you get a job that has insurance" then you wouldn't have to post -you would say that you're not going to stand for an ultimatum like that and if he wants to speak to a marriage counselor you're open to that. But if he says "On reflection, I don't think we can make this work financially unless you get a job with benefits and keep it if we have children because my job never will give me benefits." That's a realistic concern, it's respectfully put and yes you might argue or have conflict but he's not "leaving you over salary or benefits."

 

So really look at why you keep posting and framing it in the way you do - typically I wouldn't focus in on titles but there's a meaningful pattern here IMO.

[mandeelove]

Very good point. He functions great in society and at work. Has lots of customers who love him. So you are right. He is aware of his actions.

 

And I do believe he would pick on me even if I was making more money. Thats true too. Maybe he'd respect me more but he'd find a new critique. He had ex gfs who made money and he still couldnt be satisfied ." They "had many issues. (His words).

[mandeelove]

I think it's ok to want a partner that fills certain standards that a person have (regardless if we agree or not) BUT it's not ok to be with someone that doesn't fill those standards and then being with them and always complaining.

 

He made the choice of being with you knowing your work situation, so he either accepts it or moves out.

 

Besides and this is what worries me the most is that the way he goes about it is totally disrespectful and he almost seems to like bashing you. It sounds like a bit abusive. He's a jerk and I think you'd be better by dumbing him so you are free to find someone who likes you the way you are and respects you. You're not compatible and he's not nice.

The way he has came at me has been abusive yes. Its never in an adult way. He likes to use hurtful words like loser and useless. So I agree. People can say the same thing but respectfully. He doesnt do that. And when I tell him it hurt me or maybe shed a tear, he cant cope with my emotions. He gets very uncomfortable or walks away. Does not say sorry

[mandeelove]

If someone doesnt feel compatibile they should break up. He always comes back the next day. Thats the part thats crazy!! So like someone said before, hes either going to accept me or not. Its not fair to stay and bash. At first I thought he was trying to motivate me or light a fire to be more successful....

But i think if I made the money he likes he would still critique something.

[Jibralta]

He likes to use hurtful words like loser and useless.

 

That is terrible.

[figureitout23]

Yes its the same guy. But to clear this up, we havent had any issues around what he used to do and treated me. It was going very good but for a few weeks now he was zoning in on my career only and my money. So I simply asked him if he saw this as long term or preparing for engagement etc. Maybe that was the reason to discuss funances?? He said once I make more money and I'm more financially stable including a complete benefits package, he would be more willing to engage to me.

 

We can have a great time together but he always revists the career topic and says hes more ambitious than I am. So Im looking into more jobs etc .

 

I found it weird though that I put in so much work emotionally and proved to him who I am. Many qualities which he loves. And now its all about money all of a sudden. He knew my career for over 2 1/2 years now. Not sure why hes acting like I just got this job. I was doing it when I met him. !

 

Maybe its like a previous poster stated, he just needs something to put me down over. If its not one thing its another. He did away with all his bad habits. Now its a career issue.

 

After reading all your threads in the past about this guy.....I, like so many others, can't for the life of me understand WHY you are STILL with this guy in the first place? So many threads about him, so much advice given (all ignored), and yet, here you are...STILL with the same jerk and the same problems, plus more.

 

I have no words left. Except:

 

Maybe it would be a good idea to seek therapy of some kind to help you figure out WHY you stay in this situation. Because, as you have noticed, nothing has changed, except maybe get worse, yet you remain. That's on you.

 

Then again, it begs the question WHY!??? Do you thrive on the drama? Serious question.

 

You know, I would love to hear this guys side of the story cause eventually this becomes the boy who cried wolf.

 

I know people like this, when they get into a fight with their significant other that person become the worst person in the world, abusive, horrible, and everyone rallies around that person 'yeah dump them!' But the actual events are magnified so it's only their variation of the truth and then when they get back together, everything is fine. Until they get mad again, then they want other people to rally around them again.

 

I'm really wondering if this is what's happening here. I just find it mind blowing that if you took us seriously and this was real you would keep coming back and asking the same exact questions you have the answers to. You're very much a drive by poster. Just trying to get us to make you feel like a victim almost.

 

Something is very odd about all this Mandee.

 

Why haven't you been to see someone?

[IAmFCA]

If someone doesnt feel compatibile they should break up. He always comes back the next day. Thats the part thats crazy!! So like someone said before, hes either going to accept me or not. Its not fair to stay and bash. At first I thought he was trying to motivate me or light a fire to be more successful....

But i think if I made the money he likes he would still critique something.

 

Its not fair to stay and bash...? Why not? You don't have to stay and listen.

 

This is not about fair. This is about what you choose.

[Batya33]

Its not fair to stay and bash...? Why not? You don't have to stay and listen.

 

This is not about fair. This is about what you choose.

 

Yes, this exactly. You teach people how to treat you.

[boltnrun]

If someone doesnt feel compatibile they should break up. He always comes back the next day. Thats the part thats crazy!! So like someone said before, hes either going to accept me or not. Its not fair to stay and bash. At first I thought he was trying to motivate me or light a fire to be more successful....

But i think if I made the money he likes he would still critique something.

 

Because he has found the perfect "victim" (I put that word in quotes because you are a VOLUNTEER, not a victim), you, who accepts his mean behavior. I bet you even tell him you love him!

 

Remember in your last thread complaining about him, when I told you the story of what my mean ex said to me when I accepted him back? That he'd concluded I LIKED when he was mean to me because I kept coming back? And that he also concluded that he didn't need to "change" something about himself that I apparently liked? And you said that was eye-opening?

 

Are your eyes closed now? Are you in fact willing to put up with anything this guy dishes out in order to keep him? Is he THAT fantastic that you accept his poor treatment of you?

 

If so, please list what is so fantastic about him that it cancels out the poor way he has always treated you because I am really curious.

 

I don't know, Mandee...I have to wonder about the state of your self esteem. It sounds like such a sad situation.

 

PS: He's "crazy" for coming back? How would you characterize you continuing to accept him back?

[mandeelove]

Because he has found the perfect "victim" (I put that word in quotes because you are a VOLUNTEER, not a victim), you, who accepts his mean behavior. I bet you even tell him you love him!

 

Remember in your last thread complaining about him, when I told you the story of what my mean ex said to me when I accepted him back? That he'd concluded I LIKED when he was mean to me because I kept coming back? And that he also concluded that he didn't need to "change" something about himself that I apparently liked? And you said that was eye-opening?

 

Are your eyes closed now? Are you in fact willing to put up with anything this guy dishes out in order to keep him? Is he THAT fantastic that you accept his poor treatment of you?

 

If so, please list what is so fantastic about him that it cancels out the poor way he has always treated you because I am really curious.

 

I don't know, Mandee...I have to wonder about the state of your self esteem. It sounds like such a sad situation.

 

PS: He's "crazy" for coming back? How would you characterize you continuing to accept him back?

The state of my self esteem is non existant because over time (not all at once) he has eroded it. I know we shouldnt put our approval in the hands of others, however the one person u do want compliments from or reassurance is basically not giving them or telling you the opposite. Im not making excuses but its the only reason I have for sticking around. He made it seem like Id never get anyone after all his critiques. He critiques everything about me and I started to believe it. Plus add the fact he comes back to only tell me everythingggg hes ever said wasnt true. He actuslly IS attracted to me. He actually IS looking for a future. It makes me hang on because he says all those insults werent true. It was just the bad week he had etc or whatever else he can blame.

 

Not making this acceptable. Im just saying how it happens. I do not have self esteem now.

 

Maybe my posts should be different on here. Like how does one get out of a situation like this for good? And how does one build self esteem and start to see life in a positive way again?