Would you leave someone over their salary or benefits package?

mandeelove · July 30, 2018

OP, I am still interested to know if you have ever looked into therapy, and if not, WHY not? I think you would greatly benefit from it so as to help you understand where this self-destructive behaviour comes from.

I always back out of it. I felt uncomfortable. Not sure what it is but the thought comes back. I do want to go . Maybe Im fearful to be so open. Maybe afraid of opening wounds. Its alot of things but I know I need it.

Batya33 · July 30, 2018

Of course you feel uncomfortable. It often is. It’s your choice to weigh the pros and cons because wjstvyoire doing now is not working. You choose to back out. Make a different choice. Promise yourself you’ll donate the amount the session sold hsve cost you - the actual cost not insurance - to a charity for each session you back out of. And if you promise yourself to make an appointment and instead make an excuse come up with a penalty amount - like $20 if that would hurt and put it on a donation jar to donate for later. Don’t allow yourself to make excuses to take care of your health.

Batya33 · July 30, 2018

And this doesnt mean much but I want to add it anyway. My own guy told me he suffers from depression and told me his exes called him a Narc. He also throws out the word bipolar about himself. I told him to see a therapist if hes concerned. So diagnosing in our head is wrong. But what if they diagnose themselves? Isnt that bad too?

Instead of ever going on medication,he takes a vitamin for moods. He actively sought it out because he knew there was an issue. I thought that was good how he was admitting faults and actively trying to feel better. He knew his moods were ruining things. This was months back and hes still taking the vitamin.

Yes of course diagnosing yourself with a mental illness is silly. And meaningless. Magnesium supplements are thogijtvto help moods (also helps stomach issues) but no a vitamin doesn’t help a mental disorder. It can help your health and help you feel calmer. His self medicating is not dangerous depending on what the “vitamin “ is but it’s also not helpful. he is being honest with you that his exes found him so hard to tolerate that they thought he was mentally ill. They could be wrong or mentally ill too but he’s basically told you who he is. Your choice to stay. If you do it’s inconsistent with wanting marriage and family and it’s consistent with being desperate and afraid of being alone. Imo. You can make a better choice and stop playing games with yourself.

IAmFCA · July 30, 2018

I always back out of it. I felt uncomfortable. Not sure what it is but the thought comes back. I do want to go . Maybe Im fearful to be so open. Maybe afraid of opening wounds. Its alot of things but I know I need it.

Walk towards these fears. Your fear of changing is trapping you for years in relationships that cause you pain.

Maybe you will become so afraid of being in such relationships for the rest of your life that you will pursue psychotherapy.

You would find such empowerment by doing the hard work.

Metaltwin70 · July 30, 2018

OP.. having read the entire thread, and also your previous threads about this person, can I ask you a question?

If this was a man who did a 9 to 5 job with an average salary and lived in a rented one bedroom place.. would all your threads even exist?

I have a feeling that the only reason you are putting up with constant and continued emotional abuse, neglect and mistreatment and keep coming back to it is because you are looking for a provider with his own paid-off house and great work ethic (will keep providing till his last day) who can marry you and give you an easy life. You say 'I have love for him' but 1 - it certainly doesn't sound like you do and 2 - WHO in their right mind would love a person like this? WHAT is there to love? He is nothing but an abusive a-e. And you're his meek little doormat. Sorry - that's how the situation reads to me.

Batya33 · July 30, 2018

OP.. having read the entire thread, and also your previous threads about this person, can I ask you a question?

If this was a man who did a 9 to 5 job with an average salary and lived in a rented one bedroom place.. would all your threads even exist?

I have a feeling that the only reason you are putting up with constant and continued emotional abuse, neglect and mistreatment and keep coming back to it is because you are looking for a provider with his own paid-off house and great work ethic (will keep providing till his last day) who can marry you and give you an easy life. You say 'I have love for him' but 1 - it certainly doesn't sound like you do and 2 - WHO in their right mind would love a person like this? WHAT is there to love? He is nothing but an abusive a-e. And you're his meek little doormat. Sorry - that's how the situation reads to me.

I didn't get this sense in the OP's post -she seems to assume-negatively -that he and his family are "workaholics" and that he is one as well. Also he's already signaled to her he doesn't want to be the provider in the relationship. I also don't sense she wants an easy life that way-she works full time, is working on an advanced degree and would want to work full time taking care of any children they have (i.e. she doesn't seem to want to hire a full time nanny so she can not work and have leisure time and let someone else care for her child). She said she wants to be a full time mom for at least awhile -that is not an easy life, the opposite actually.

boltnrun · July 30, 2018

She said he's "attractive " which I presume means he's hot. Plus she feels there are no decent prospects at all in her area. Add to that the low self esteem and there you have it.

We accept what we think we deserve, or what we think is the best we can do. It's important to change that mindset, which is why several of us recommend therapy.

figureitout23 · July 30, 2018

I def posted about a previous ex calling him a Narc. I was out of line saying that being that noone in my past was a true Narc. (Now that I feel better educated on it over time.) Those exes had abusive tendencies or controlling behavior. Nothing close to my current!!

This one stuck out to me as a true Narc . The hallmark kinds of things. Spot on.

Its not right to diagnose anyone but like everyone said, lets keep it at, I pick bad partners with bad behaviors. Its a trend so best I can do is figure myself out, not the men.

And this doesnt mean much but I want to add it anyway. My own guy told me he suffers from depression and told me his exes called him a Narc. He also throws out the word bipolar about himself. I told him to see a therapist if hes concerned. So diagnosing in our head is wrong. But what if they diagnose themselves? Isnt that bad too?

Instead of ever going on medication,he takes a vitamin for moods. He actively sought it out because he knew there was an issue. I thought that was good how he was admitting faults and actively trying to feel better. He knew his moods were ruining things. This was months back and hes still taking the vitamin.

Has it ever occurred to you that you both have patterns? You seek out men who treat you bad Mandee, Im sure now it's easy for you to say, 'oh the guy before that wasn't a narcissist, but this one IS!' Well let's be real here, you were convinced the other one was too, and you saw all the red flags with this guy 2 months in mandee, 2 months and before him you dated a guy briefly and cut him off because he asked you to meet him when the weather was bad so do not tell me you have a hard time ending things. You are attracted to these types of men. Time to face reality. Just like this is your pattern it's probably his pattern, which is most likely why all of his exes say he's a narcissist. Are all of his exes psychiatrists? Cause if not they all sound like they're also women who victimize themselves and accept crap behavior.

This is your pattern Mandee, you get upset you come on here you post about how mean this boyfriend is or that boyfriend is and you stay and you stay until they leave you. And it's always their fault, they treat you bad, they did this to you, they do that to you. At what point are you responsible for your wellbeing?

I'm sorry if I'm coming off cold but good grief Mandee, it's been 3 years, documented, lord knows how long this has been your pattern before this.

You need professional help. And I can tell you now it won't be easy because any counselor worth a hill of beans isn't going to let you play this victim game with them, you'll probably fool them for a while but they'll catch on. Something is causing you to seek these men out.

LHgirl often writes excellent posts about childhood trauma and how it shapes our decisions as adults. The counselor I was seeing also specialized in childhood trauma. Maybe it's something to look into? I don't know your life story but this seems very deeply rooted and I know you want to blame him for this, and I'm not saying he isn't an a** he is, but this was an issue well before him in my impression and it will be one well after him until you do the hard work.

You are worth taking care of yourself. I don't know if you believe that, I don't know if you think you deserve this treatment, if your comfortable with it, I don't know, but aaib, you deserve to be happy Mandee. I don't think you're going f to change now, nothing you're saying is different from before, but eventually like someone else said you are going to get sick and tired of being sick and tired and you will stop the cycle, I just hope it's soon because this man is doing more damage the more time goes on.

smJackson · July 30, 2018

Thank you I appreciate your story. It was very touching. I am glad you got away from your abusive situation. It made me sick especially when you said he called your disabled son "retarded". That is something noone should ever do.

I feel above all I need to learn self love. Therapy is something I wanted to do for a while, I just always back out. But I would love to get to the bottom of this cycle and why I do it or accept it.

What was the breaking point for u when u got out finally? Was it the help of therapy? Glad you found a good guy who understands you!!!

And its true. Men seek out low self esteem or women with poor boundaries. Strong women wouldnt take nonsense like that.

Mande,

I have already been under an extreme amount of pressure within my personal life that didn't relate to him. So I believe that my time with him should be fun, loving and carefree. It was the first of the month, which is a stressful time for me as ALL of my household bills hit the first two weeks of the month. I was feeling unwell (migraine)and I just had left juvenile court from dealing with custody issues relating to my young children the day prior. He had attempted to start a fight with me a couple of days before so I got off the phone and refused to talk to him. The next day he acted sensibly, but I was still weary ---and kept my talk time with him very brief. I was already getting fed up with his shenanigans, and since I was so stressed out, my tolerance for his bull**** was low on this particular day. He called me a b**** out of nowhere, and got mad when I refused to stay on the phone and take his verbal abuse. So he texted me all kinds of abuse about how worthless I was, I had nothing to offer him, a slew of f*** you's, etc. I went over to his house to try to make the peace and he yelled at me to get the F out of his personal space, so forth and so on. He had a rage and hatred in his eyes that I'd never seen before. I turned on one heel and left without another word. I realized that i was just wasting my time with someone that was really a monster in disguise, and i had struck out like a long list of women before me. Something inside me broke---and I KNEW in that moment that he would NEVER see, hurt me or talk to me again. He must have sensed that because 6 days later he called me. I guess he thought i would chase him. I listened to him talk and he acted like NOTHING HAD HAPPENED. It didnt even matter though, because i was DONE. He must have sensed my emotional distance because he left me alone. It was just that simple. I was DONE.

As for you, you will simply have to get sick and tired of being SICK AND TIRED. I had been in and out of NC a few times before he finally went too far. I don't love him anymore and I knew I'd never sleep with him again or EVER let him hurt me AGAIN. He took me for granted. I had been praying to the good Lord to break the ties that bind-- but he was being an ass (being his usual self) and started some BS with me on the WRONG DAY, which lead to me finding the strength and resolve to cut him off forever.

Thanks for your understanding response to my feedback. Since cutting him off, i feel so much better. The sky seems bluer, the birds chirp louder, i appreciate myself and others more. Random acts of kindness have just floated in my direction. Its as if God himself has poured a blessing on me. I struggle some days, but they are few and far in between---compared to the insults, stress, criticisms and putdowns that i endured almost daily from my abuser. I hope that life treats you kindly, and that at some point, you and this guy parts ways. Good luck to you!!

mandeelove · July 31, 2018

Has it ever occurred to you that you both have patterns? You seek out men who treat you bad Mandee, Im sure now it's easy for you to say, 'oh the guy before that wasn't a narcissist, but this one IS!' Well let's be real here, you were convinced the other one was too, and you saw all the red flags with this guy 2 months in mandee, 2 months and before him you dated a guy briefly and cut him off because he asked you to meet him when the weather was bad so do not tell me you have a hard time ending things. You are attracted to these types of men. Time to face reality. Just like this is your pattern it's probably his pattern, which is most likely why all of his exes say he's a narcissist. Are all of his exes psychiatrists? Cause if not they all sound like they're also women who victimize themselves and accept crap behavior.

This is your pattern Mandee, you get upset you come on here you post about how mean this boyfriend is or that boyfriend is and you stay and you stay until they leave you. And it's always their fault, they treat you bad, they did this to you, they do that to you. At what point are you responsible for your wellbeing?

I'm sorry if I'm coming off cold but good grief Mandee, it's been 3 years, documented, lord knows how long this has been your pattern before this.

You need professional help. And I can tell you now it won't be easy because any counselor worth a hill of beans isn't going to let you play this victim game with them, you'll probably fool them for a while but they'll catch on. Something is causing you to seek these men out.

LHgirl often writes excellent posts about childhood trauma and how it shapes our decisions as adults. The counselor I was seeing also specialized in childhood trauma. Maybe it's something to look into? I don't know your life story but this seems very deeply rooted and I know you want to blame him for this, and I'm not saying he isn't an a** he is, but this was an issue well before him in my impression and it will be one well after him until you do the hard work.

You are worth taking care of yourself. I don't know if you believe that, I don't know if you think you deserve this treatment, if your comfortable with it, I don't know, but aaib, you deserve to be happy Mandee. I don't think you're going f to change now, nothing you're saying is different from before, but eventually like someone else said you are going to get sick and tired of being sick and tired and you will stop the cycle, I just hope it's soon because this man is doing more damage the more time goes on.

I do admit this has been a pattern of 3-4 years. Pretty much when I started to post on this site. I didnt have to post ever because I had good relationships. The last 3 men in a row, something was off and I stayed in less than ideal situations. So all I can say is its a new pattern. The guys before 2015 and all my life were great guys and I always had no issue ending something if it didnt seem right .

I would have to analyze what happened before or around 2015 that I started making poor choices and not having a backbone. Because I dont think Its a childhood issue if this only started happening for the past 4 years. If I can be honest I was an even better dater in my younger years.....the years you can be "young and dumb."

I am going to seriously think about therapy and get smart about my health. Like someone said before....fear is controlling me . I get nervous to admit that I need therapy. Thats when I back out.

I did cut a guy off when he wanted me to drive in snow on a second date. I was mmuch stronger then and it felt good. Thats why Im confused how I let myself get like this.

figureitout23 · July 31, 2018

I do admit this has been a pattern of 3-4 years. Pretty much when I started to post on this site. I didnt have to post ever because I had good relationships. The last 3 men in a row, something was off and I stayed in less than ideal situations. So all I can say is its a new pattern. The guys before 2015 and all my life were great guys and I always had no issue ending something if it didnt seem right .

I would have to analyze what happened before or around 2015 that I started making poor choices and not having a backbone. Because I dont think Its a childhood issue if this only started happening for the past 4 years. If I can be honest I was an even better dater in my younger years.....the years you can be "young and dumb."

I am going to seriously think about therapy and get smart about my health. Like someone said before....fear is controlling me . I get nervous to admit that I need therapy. Thats when I back out.

I did cut a guy off when he wanted me to drive in snow on a second date. I was mmuch stronger then and it felt good. Thats why Im confused how I let myself get like this.

Did that breakup when the guy immediately dated someone else have anything to do with it?

melancholy123 · July 31, 2018

I dont know where you live but teachers in Canada are paid in the summer. Dont you get paid during the summer? I'd tell this money grubber to hit the road.

mandeelove · July 31, 2018

Did that breakup when the guy immediately dated someone else have anything to do with it?

The only painful recent memory is an ex from about 4 years ago who cheated on me. My uncle was in a coma and I had to be in the hospital alot. Then he passed. My ex chose those nights to cheat with a woman. I was crushed because it was the best relationship I ever had. No reason to cheat...To be betrayed not only from cheating but during a family tragedy was the worst.

And the ex who left me and had a new gf within weeks was hard too. I actually rebounded into the relationship I just described above.

boltnrun · July 31, 2018

When did you reach the conclusion that no men in your are are "dateable" and that you can't do any better so you might as well stay with this guy who treats you badly?

mandeelove · July 31, 2018

When did you reach the conclusion that no men in your are are "dateable" and that you can't do any better so you might as well stay with this guy who treats you badly?

From my bad experiences in the past few years. I also ventured on dating sites here and there and had to delete my profile just from disgust. It was a sin how the men were acting on there. Some I knew 100 percent were in relationships . Then you hear bad relationship stories from people around you. Its all a combination. I developed a negative mindset.

boltnrun · July 31, 2018

From my bad experiences in the past few years. I also ventured on dating sites here and there and had to delete my profile just from disgust. It was a sin how the men were acting on there. Some I knew 100 percent were in relationships . Then you hear bad relationship stories from people around you. Its all a combination. I developed a negative mindset.

But now you are in your own "bad relationship". I guess I don't see how that makes anything better.

Is it so you can tell yourself "at least I'm not a boyfriend-less loser"?

LootieTootie · July 31, 2018

It seems like a lot of people on here has given you good and sound advices and yet you are not acting on it.

I've known several people in my life that are in your shoes, and all I can say is I pray you find the strength to leave a bad relationship.

Batya33 · July 31, 2018

From my bad experiences in the past few years. I also ventured on dating sites here and there and had to delete my profile just from disgust. It was a sin how the men were acting on there. Some I knew 100 percent were in relationships . Then you hear bad relationship stories from people around you. Its all a combination. I developed a negative mindset.

Then you have to work on changing your mindset. The worst reason to be with someone is because you think there are no good people out there. To me personally you’re with the right person when even though you know that technically (since you haven’t met all the people on our wonderful planet) there could be someone even better out there for you you don’t care because you’ve found yoirveprson, you are happy and in love with and love that person and even if someone offered you the hottest guy who was also successful and a great catch you’d say “he’s cute but I found my person and I’m done so thanks but no thanks. Do not play that game with yourself or others that this is the best you can do because other men you’ve come across seem like losers. That’s so unfair to everyone. Can you imagine telling your child to pick a partner that way??

And by the way you’re wrong. Several of my friends are with awesome people they met recently and one just married a guy she met on line a bit over a year ago. In his 30s or so. When they were dating he was totally fine when her young daughter threw up in his car during a road trip and he doesn’t have children. Can I say keeper lol.

Hollyj · August 3, 2018

Mandee,

Why do you continue to ask about this guy, if you have no intention of leaving him? We have all repeatedly advised you to end this. I don't it!

mandeelove · August 3, 2018

Mandee,

Why do you continue to ask about this guy, if you have no intention of leaving him? We have all repeatedly advised you to end this. I don't it!

I'm in a toxic relationship . It's not as easy as you think even if that makes no sense . If you research about abusive relationships you would find that out.

I dont post here to vent or play victim... Then go back to him. I really really seek help here and this site helps me.

Leaving him is not the only way to show Ive learned. Every day I move closer to getting out of the situation and I feel that inside me. I dont have to prove that to anyone. But little by little by strength, experience, and advice on here it has helped me tremendously to re-wire me .

Any day now I will out of this situation. Until then I will take what I learned here and focus on me. Possibly get my own help so I dont wind up in future situations.

I see that people on here are fed up and not open to giving advice since they feel they gave me too much advice. Or I post too often and since I dont leave him it means Im not learning..I am learning in more ways than one. I also got to read up on lots of research that people have sent me on here.

From now on I wont post about it but I will seek my own help. And like I said, I feel closer than ever to leaving him.

I thank anyone who took the time to actually help me, not just remind me that its my 10th posting. Clearly I see that since Im the one posting and in this mess. I dont need to be reminded . If the situation was good I wouldnt have to post. Isnt that what help forums are for?

Thank you

Hollyj · August 3, 2018

Of course it is easy. You are not helpless, but you choose to stay involved in this drama.

You are not seeking help. as you are NOT acting on the advice. You have been returning to this guy for a long while. Enough! Be done with this already!

The forums are to give advice, it is your job to act on it.

Seek professional counseling. Please!

Hollyj · August 3, 2018

Don't you think it's time to help yourself!

boltnrun · August 3, 2018

Mandee, just out of curiosity...what do you feel you are ACTIVELY doing to remove yourself from this self-described toxic relationship?

Lots of people say "I'm 'working on' myself" but don't really specify HOW.

smJackson · August 3, 2018

Mande,

Support, along with personal determination, is vital in breaking free AND staying free of toxic relationships. Support can be: friends, family, therapists, YouTube videos, support blogs, forums, etc. I use all of the above, by the way.

My ex created such a dependency in me that he really believes that I will be back again--and that I am merely on a hiatus. However, he's waiting on a call/text that's NEVER going to come from me-- I opened up to my pastor, my family, my therapist, and two friends that I can confide in about the abuse--and can call at any time of the day or night should I feel tempted to contact my abuser. So please get a support system in place, including this forum.

My ex f****d up so bad this last time though, I don't see that happening. But the risks were high for me to relapse in the past, so THIS time, I'm not taking any chances. The stakes are high. Ive put on my "suit of armor" this time around and I'm prepared to go to war-- to protect my peace, my sanity, my wellbeing, my energy, my life itself. If i let my ex destroy my mental state, I'm a vegetable- and I have a long, full life ahead of me--and children who need me and people who truly love me. He will NOT destroy me. I'm determined to live my BEST life, and he was determined to prevent that BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY. Because deep inside, he was miserable and felt inadequate and insecure. And misery loves company. I don't know if that applies to your boyfriend or not, but happy, confident men don't feel the need to ALWAYS insult, criticize, demean and put down their partners. They just don't--and that's what makes them toxic for us. It never gets better. Mande, I cannot emphasize support enough.

Leaving toxic relationships are never easy; especially if you still love your partner. Whether you leave him or stay is your business. You will need support either way. My inbox is always open if you need a lsitening ear. Good luck.

figureitout23 · August 4, 2018

This

I'm in a toxic relationship . It's not as easy as you think even if that makes no sense . If you research about abusive relationships you would find that out.

Contradicts this

I dont post here to vent or play victim... Then go back to him. I really really seek help here and this site helps me.

I know you think were attacking you and obviously I cant speak for everyone, but no one feels ill will towards you or wants you to stop posting. Its simply that you are so completely unhealthy with your actions. We want better for you.