My husband is hurt and mad at me over my fake social media accounts

[abitbroken]

Last Thanksgiving, I was having a hard time dealing with the loss of my pregnancy, especially because that was going to be the time when I had previously been planning to tell my family about it. At the same time, he was being really quiet and distant from me and didn't speak much to me for about a week. I didn't know what was going on, I thought he was mad at me for something. Eventually he told me the reason he was being that way, he was feeling depressed, not confident about his success in his work or art. And that sort of tore me up, that a week had gone by and I interpreted that as him having put me through this pain and worry when I was in need of some emotional support (even though I didn't ask for it, either). I guess it was hypocritcal of me to blame him for what I was also doing - withdrawing. Anyway, when he told me he'd been depressed it sort of got me doubting the strength of our relationship and whether I could rely on him in the future to be stoic and get through tough times with me. I didn't respond in a very supportive way. I just started crying. He was upset with me that, as he put it, I just crumbled and didn't provide him with support when he needed it. Since then, I think I started getting more intense with thinking I needed to be "there for him" more.

 

I mean, I'd been too involved emotionally in an unhealthy way before that, most likely. This forum and your advice to me in another thread clarified this for me. But I suppose that more recently I took it to another level.

 

I have been through that, and honestly, no one KNOWS how to offer support. They don't know what they are supposed to do or say. I would have told him *I* needed the support at that time. We lost a baby. And yet you are more concerned about not having been able to be there for HIM vs your own emotional support at that time? You really have things backwards -- you need to care for yourself, too. If he withdraws when he is down and then in a week comes up for air and everything is good - then maybe you need to let him withdraw instead of trying to fix things that entire week because the outcome of it - whether you overhelp him or let him withdraw seems to be the same - but you won't be expending as much energy. You can make sure his favorite hot chocolate or crappy movies or whatever he uses as wallowing aids are well stocked in the house, but beyond that, maybe just let him be. When he is not wallowing, have you ever talked about things, that you don't like that you are such a fixer, or have you went to personal counseling?

[Rihannon]

This is what I've learned: When he's down, he needs someone to be supportive of him and be there for him. I should be caring and supportive but not too involved. I should let him have space and I should be happy and do my own thing and not worry about him too much except that I do care about him so I guess I have to pretend it doesn't bother me without growing totally apathetic about him. I am struggling so hard to figure out this balance.

[Seraphim]

He has to learn to support HIMSELF.

[abitbroken]

This is what I've learned: When he's down, he needs someone to be supportive of him and be there for him. I should be caring and supportive but not too involved. I should let him have space and I should be happy and do my own thing and not worry about him too much except that I do care about him so I guess I have to pretend it doesn't bother me without growing totally apathetic about him. I am struggling so hard to figure out this balance.

 

Pretend what doesn't bother you - that he's in a funk or that you can't mother him?

[Rihannon]

LaHermes recommended a book: "Women who love too much" by Robin Norwood and I haven't had a chance to get the book yet but I've found some select quotes online and I think it'll be a good source for me now and to come back to in the future as I try to change.

 

“Praising and encouraging are very close to pushing, and when you do that you are trying again to take control of his life. Think about why you are lauding something he’s done. Is it to help raise his self-esteem? That’s manipulation. Is it so he will continue whatever behavior you’re praising? That’s manipulation. Is it so that he’ll know how proud you are of him? That can be a burden for him to carry. Let him develop his own pride from his own accomplishments.”

― Robin Norwood, Women Who Love Too Much

 

“It requires a hard look at what is, rather than what you hope will be. As you let go of managing and controlling, you must also let go of the idea that “when he changes I’ll be happy.” He may never change. You must stop trying to make him. And you must learn to be happy anyway.”

― Robin Norwood, Women Who Love Too Much

[Rihannon]

Pretend what doesn't bother you - that he's in a funk or that you can't mother him?

 

That he's in a funk and there's nothing I can seem to do about it, that he isn't giving me attention and isn't happy, that we can't do things together and have fun, and that if I go have fun with other people I feel like a jerk for ignoring his suffering like "Oh, you're depressed and full of self-doubt and crippling anxiety? Sucks to be you, I'm going to the mall with my friends, byeee"

[abitbroken]

That he's in a funk and there's nothing I can seem to do about it, that he isn't giving me attention and isn't happy, that we can't do things together and have fun, and that if I go have fun with other people I feel like a jerk for ignoring his suffering like "Oh, you're depressed and full of self-doubt and crippling anxiety? Sucks to be you, I'm going to the mall with my friends, byeee"

 

Its not totally black and white

1) First and foremost, stop acting like his mother. Don't try to 'fix' things with fake social media or becoming his manager. Don't tell him "everyone is going to love your presentation"

if you can do that, that's the major one that is causing so much animosity.

2) you can care - but don't lose yourself. you can do wifely things like hold him at night if that's what he needs, if he goes into his bubble and doesn't even pay bills when he is in it, pay the bills. But if he is not up to doing something fun, go to the mall by yourself if you need to go, get coffee with a friend, etc., just continue on. Do "fun things with him" when he is ready to do fun things but in the meantime don't act like the house is under a mourning period or in plague quarantine. If he is in his funk for a week - sure, you will "care" and you will eat meals with him and such and care for his needs, but you won't be suppressing your own needs.

 

I don't take depression lightly, but when he sees that you are not behaving like a parent anymore, which will take time, and that you are not letting his funk stop you, the part of his funk that is not genuine depression but is self pity drama may start to snap out a bit because he is missing out on things and doesn't get the enjoyment of being mothered and coddled out of it anymore.

[DanZee]

You know, Rihannon, I don't find what you did wrong. People make up fake accounts all the time to try to get publicity for what they do. They hope they'll create the spark that will go viral and take off on its own.

 

The bigger issue is that in reading all of your posts for the last month, you just have a mentally ill husband.

 

See, you've just been asking about isolated things. I did this and he got mad at me. So that gets you all these responses where people are criticizing you. But you're not the problem. Your husband is the problem. You've said that he is depressed and anxious. He worries about chronic illnesses. He has migraines and he's on heavy meds. He was abused as a child. He ignores you and concentrates on becoming a musician. This guy is a mess. And you're hanging around hoping for what? That he's suddenly going to change and become a loving husband and father? It's not going to happen.

 

He's not going to change. And you have to decide if this is how you're going to spend the rest of your life or whether you're going to get out of this situation.

 

You're 38. You want to have children. You want to be happy. You want an engaged husband. If you stay with this guy, you have to accept that you are going to give up these dreams, and you're going to have to forever be a mother to your husband, having to take care of him when he's sick and humoring him when he's acting out. You need to stop asking why my husband doesn't do this or that. You have to accept it and be strong. Or you have to get out.

 

You have a big decision to make. You're going to be out of school in a few months. Do you accept things the way they are or do you want to change your life? If you decide to stay with you husband, you have to accept the situation and deal with it. You may need counselling to learn how to deal with a depressed spouse because you're losing your self-esteem and self confidence. Or you need to leave him and pursue your chance for happiness. It's a difficult decision.

[Rihannon]

This is such a pattern of mine. I'm going to have to be very conscientious of this and catch myself when I start to do it again. I hate that it's going to take time. I'm so impatient, I want to "fix" this, now! But I can't. You all don't know how much this is helping me. I've never said anything like this to anyone before and because of that, I've never come to these realizations before. I wish I had sought help a long time ago. This is the damage of being too private and stuck in my own bad patterns. This almost feels like I have to start being left-handed or something.

[DanZee]

By the way, if you start your future posts with the phrase "I have a mentally ill husband" people will give you better advice because there are a lot of people here who have a lot of experience in dealing with mentally ill boyfriends and spouses and they can give you support rather than criticizing you.

[abitbroken]

You know, Rihannon, I don't find what you did wrong. People make up fake accounts all the time to try to get publicity for what they do. They hope they'll create the spark that will go viral and take off on its own.

 

Actually, fake reviews, etc, are very frowned upon. If she had suggested inviting blogging influencers to events in hopes that they would mention the event, that's different.

 

She did not tell her husband about these accounts - that was the biggest problem here --and he thought that he had actual fans and was getting real feedback - because she decieved him in this manner --- what was he to think about the other account where she called guys hot and was a little flirty? He could easily think if she is capable of that kind of deception, she's capable of another. Can he actually trust the feedback he is getting?

[abitbroken]

Danzee --- no one has suggested, nor has she considered divorce.

 

The issue at hand is not to leave her husband or not but can she change her ways?

 

Her husband is not "mentally ill" - because we cannot diagnose him. The situation in this and her other thread is if she can stop being a fixer.

[hinterdir]

It sounds like poor communication. I get the vibe you were just off in your own little world doing whatever you felt like and didn't tell you husband what you were doing. I only partially understood it all, it didn't sound that bad so maybe it will blow over soon and it doesn't have to be a big deal but I get the vibe these things were hidden from him...hence the big disappointment when the fan support ended up being fake.

 

I'd say you guys have to communicate better. Keep him informed and if he has a problem with one of these fake accounts or what you are saying or who you are saying it to he can just tell you how he feels about it before you do it.

 

Communicate better, keep each other informed.

[Wiseman2]

Perhaps therapy for yourself will help you establish better boundaries and communication. You'll feel better. You won't be compelled to resort to being a social media bot to stealthily micromanage your husband. You'll also know where you end and he begins and won't be compelled to play cheer leader every time he groans about his flaccid career. It will also help you resolve your chronic disappointment in him and your desire to have a family. In the meantime, read the book Peter Pan Syndrome.

You are so right about this controlling thing.

[Rihannon]

I never meant to deceive him. I didn't think he would see the accounts, I just thought I would get more people to listen to his music. I'm scared he's lost all faith in me and that I've screwed up, not just in this situation but that I have been driving our relationship into the ground with my aggressively "mothering" and weak behavior, and failure to communicate like an adult. It's sort of devastating to think about how long it is going to take for our relationship to come back from this, and for me to improve myself. I feel pretty ashamed. I feel like I've wasted years of my life being so foolish and misguided and oblivious. Backing off from him to save my marriage feels counter-intuitive but I cannot keep relying on my feelings to make decisions, when my feelings are what have led me toward these idiot reactions. I don't think he's mentally ill. I think he has some anxiety and has had some setbacks in life but psychologically I don't think he's sick.

 

I've never had therapy before. My workplace does offer some psychological health resources. I could look into it.

[Rihannon]

 

I'd say you guys have to communicate better. Keep him informed ...

 

Communicate better, keep each other informed.

 

That's a major goal of mine. I printed up a short list of reminder goals and posted them on my wall by my computer "Be honest and communicative. Take time to think through decisions before acting--talk with others first." along with some other things

[Rihannon]

Actually, fake reviews, etc, are very frowned upon. If she had suggested inviting blogging influencers to events in hopes that they would mention the event, that's different.

 

She did not tell her husband about these accounts - that was the biggest problem here --and he thought that he had actual fans and was getting real feedback - because she decieved him in this manner --- what was he to think about the other account where she called guys hot and was a little flirty? He could easily think if she is capable of that kind of deception, she's capable of another. Can he actually trust the feedback he is getting?

 

This is the worst. It's true. I don't know how to recover from this except just continue over time to be a better person. I have, in the past, had a tendency to be overly defensive and explaining myself with excuses and it was NOT the best reaction.

[ThatwasThen]

At this point do you think I should just give him space and back off and over time redeem myself by changing my behaviors?

 

If you were to delete ALL of your social media accounts as a show of good faith, It may cause him to realize that you are realizing what you did was wrong and demoralizing and he may take you seriously again.

 

Would you be willing to go social media-less and do that in good faith to show him that you don't have an addiction to soliciting attention in inappropriate ways?

[Rihannon]

If you were to delete ALL of your social media accounts as a show of good faith, It may cause him to realize that you are realizing what you did was wrong and demoralizing and he may take you seriously again.

 

Would you be willing to go social media-less and do that in good faith to show him that you don't have an addiction to soliciting attention in inappropriate ways?

 

I deleted the twitters and inactivated my facebook, for a little while. I think I could do that again. I reactivated it eventually because someone I sort of knew, (the boyfriend of a friend and former coworker) had committed suicide and I all I knew at first was that he had maybe died. I was trying to find out what had happened. Anyway, I would be happy to inactive it again. I miss the pictures my family shares, that's all I care about on FB anyway, and knowing about upcoming events. But when I reactivated it, I removed my "liking" and "following" of all the local bands and musicians and all of that.

 

I just remembered something I'd seen once, an episode of This American Life called The Spy Who Loved Me: https://www.thisamericanlife.org/286/mind-games/act-one "A group called Improv Everywhere decides that an unknown band, Ghosts of Pasha, playing their first ever tour in New York, ought to think they're a smash hit." So the improv group studies the band's music and then they show up at the band's first ever gig and crowd the venue, pretending to be hard-core fans. Improv Everywhere's leader claims they just want to make the band happy—to "give them the best day of their lives." They think they're doing something wonderful. But the band doesn't see it that way. When the band finds out it was fake, they're heartbroken and one musician has a hard time even getting back on stage again. Eventually he says he learned to just not care what others think. I guess I didn't put it together that what I was doing was risking the same thing to these musicians and even to my own husband. I feel awful to my bones about it. I'm not looking for reassurance when I say, I feel like a horrible person. I just want to be better. I guess he could leave me and he would be warranted in doing so. I had been wanting to be his Doolittle Lynn but instead I'm his Jeff Gillooly. Both people were manipulative of their partners, though. I should be neither.

[LC8328]

I used to work in promotion & let me tell you, even as just a regular twitter user, there is nothing wrong with tweeting something genuine from your own, actual account.

 

For instance: "So proud of my wonderful husband @HisNameHere of his latest album! I love it!" He'll get tagged, he could retweet if it he wants, people will see you're his wife and that you're supportive.

 

When he has a show coming up: "Do yourself a favor and come see @HisNameHere/@BandName at an amazing show at @TagLocationHere! Looking forward to seeing you there!"

And actually be there to support him- not as a manager, but as someone who loves what he does. Spouses and significant others of many musicians, from indie all the way up, support their loved ones with genuine words of support, and fans see that and love the connection between the spouses. There is a band whose wives are all extremely supportive of their music, and a couple of them even go on the road with them, working behind the scenes or helping with makeup or photography.

 

On the other hand, if you or he would rather you not do the tweeting or attending for whatever reason, you can still be supportive. See if his manager or promoter needs help with paperwork or to keep an eye out for good venues, etc. If nobody wants your help with these things either, then don't. Support him by listening to his frustrations and stories when he comes home, and when you want to talk to him about something deep or heavy, choose a good time when he isn't tired.

 

And you don't have to call yourself names; you're far from stupid. You did something because you wanted to help; you just didn't think it through. Now you know that wasn't a good choice. Let's just move forward from here.

 

Interesting tidbit: There was an author whose husband trolled and attacked a woman who left a bad review for one of his wife's books. (Not going to name this author but you can find her books on most store shelves.) He did it under an anon name, but it was eventually found out who he was. Talk about a disaster! He only meant to help, but..my goodness. It was a mess. Whether it was his fault or even if the author did it herself and didn't want to be held responsible, who knows? It just leaves a bad taste in your mouth and makes you not want to support that person. Yikes.

 

One more thing: I agree with TWT. It might be good to go "cold turkey" with the fake accounts. If it were me, I'd continue life as normal, be kind and supportive of your husband, let him know you are there if he wants to talk about anything without pushing him, and get busy with other, productive parts of life.

[Rihannon]

I used to work in promotion & let me tell you, even as just a regular twitter user, there is nothing wrong with tweeting something genuine from your own, actual account.

 

For instance: "So proud of my wonderful husband @HisNameHere of his latest album! I love it!" He'll get tagged, he could retweet if it he wants, people will see you're his wife and that you're supportive.

 

When he has a show coming up: "Do yourself a favor and come see @HisNameHere/@BandName at an amazing show at @TagLocationHere! Looking forward to seeing you there!"

And actually be there to support him- not as a manager, but as someone who loves what he does. Spouses and significant others of many musicians, from indie all the way up, support their loved ones with genuine words of support, and fans see that and love the connection between the spouses. There is a band whose wives are all extremely supportive of their music, and a couple of them even go on the road with them, working behind the scenes or helping with makeup or photography.

 

On the other hand, if you or he would rather you not do the tweeting or attending for whatever reason, you can still be supportive. See if his manager or promoter needs help with paperwork or to keep an eye out for good venues, etc. If nobody wants your help with these things either, then don't. Support him by listening to his frustrations and stories when he comes home, and when you want to talk to him about something deep or heavy, choose a good time when he isn't tired.

 

And you don't have to call yourself names; you're far from stupid. You did something because you wanted to help; you just didn't think it through. Now you know that wasn't a good choice. Let's just move forward from here.

 

Interesting tidbit: There was an author whose husband trolled and attacked a woman who left a bad review for one of his wife's books. (Not going to name this author but you can find her books on most store shelves.) He did it under an anon name, but it was eventually found out who he was. Talk about a disaster! He only meant to help, but..my goodness. It was a mess. Whether it was his fault or even if the author did it herself and didn't want to be held responsible, who knows? It just leaves a bad taste in your mouth and makes you not want to support that person. Yikes.

 

One more thing: I agree with TWT. It might be good to go "cold turkey" with the fake accounts. If it were me, I'd continue life as normal, be kind and supportive of your husband, let him know you are there if he wants to talk about anything without pushing him, and get busy with other, productive parts of life.

 

Thanks for the words of wisdom. I don't have a "real" twitter account, and haven't ever been that interested in creating one. I already shared his album and have always done supportive "come to the show" social media stuff on Facebook. I had previously had some success promoting our past shows and plays by contacting journalists and events calendars to get the word out, printing posters and hanging them up. He was really appreciative of my efforts back then. I guess I got carried away.

[LC8328]

Thanks for the words of wisdom. I don't have a "real" twitter account, and haven't ever been that interested in creating one. I already shared his album and have always done supportive "come to the show" social media stuff on Facebook. I had previously had some success promoting our past shows and plays by contacting journalists and events calendars to get the word out, printing posters and hanging them up. He was really appreciative of my efforts back then. I guess I got carried away.

 

That's great! Those are great things to do. :) Wishing you the best.

[Jibralta]

You know, Rihannon, I don't find what you did wrong. People make up fake accounts all the time to try to get publicity for what they do. They hope they'll create the spark that will go viral and take off on its own.

 

The bigger issue is that in reading all of your posts for the last month, you just have a mentally ill husband.

 

See, you've just been asking about isolated things. I did this and he got mad at me. So that gets you all these responses where people are criticizing you. But you're not the problem. Your husband is the problem. You've said that he is depressed and anxious. He worries about chronic illnesses. He has migraines and he's on heavy meds. He was abused as a child. He ignores you and concentrates on becoming a musician. This guy is a mess. And you're hanging around hoping for what? That he's suddenly going to change and become a loving husband and father? It's not going to happen.

 

He's not going to change. And you have to decide if this is how you're going to spend the rest of your life or whether you're going to get out of this situation.

 

You're 38. You want to have children. You want to be happy. You want an engaged husband. If you stay with this guy, you have to accept that you are going to give up these dreams, and you're going to have to forever be a mother to your husband, having to take care of him when he's sick and humoring him when he's acting out. You need to stop asking why my husband doesn't do this or that. You have to accept it and be strong. Or you have to get out.

 

You have a big decision to make. You're going to be out of school in a few months. Do you accept things the way they are or do you want to change your life? If you decide to stay with you husband, you have to accept the situation and deal with it. You may need counselling to learn how to deal with a depressed spouse because you're losing your self-esteem and self confidence. Or you need to leave him and pursue your chance for happiness. It's a difficult decision.

 

Yes!! I see this too. She's overly responsible for him, like a codependent. This is the sentence that clued me in:

 

I've discovered that I need to stop resenting him for the focus being on him. That's my own fault for doing that and for neglecting my interests.

 

She's overly responsible, and he's very high maintenance.

 

Rihannon, check out Codependent No More, by Melody Beatty. I think you will find it very interesting.

[annie24]

I see both of your points of view - I think that fake twitter accounts to generate buzz for a new product are really prevalent. I think that half of the positive recommendations for a new product are from the company or fake accounts. So, I don't see what you did as being all that terrible. From his perspective, he probably feels really hurt because he thought he had a "real" fan - one that's not part of his inner circle, that it was a random person who liked his music, so he was probably really disappointed that it was a lie. It's not easy being an artist and trying to generate a following, and then to find out the one you have is a fake one. gah. I understand but I think you were trying to do something nice and positive and it wound up backfiring.

[Batya33]

I think you got some great input here and I wanted to add - being a good mother/parent is not about doing the fixing either - I know you're thinking about motherhood and with the plethora of comments "you are not his mother" when you try to fix things -well, a good parent has to restrain themselves from fixing things too, depending on age of the child, situation, etc. It's really hard not to be Mama Bear and protect, etc but if you step back and let your husband/child make his own mistakes whenever possible the rewards are awesome for the child's growth and development. I can give many examples of this and attest to the fact that, at least for me, I have to remind myself to let go.