Will animal abuse lead to other types of abuse?

[boltnrun]

Someone whose go-to when "frustrated" with a baby animal (or any living creature) is physical violence needs intensive therapy.

[Hollyj]

Since I imagine the boyfriend being more on the poor emotional regulation end of the spectrum than the abuser end of the spectrum (having inflicted the same kind of lashing out on frustrating animals myself), where would a person who wanted to get a better handle on their reactions go to do so?

 

Op I'm sorry your life has been so absolutely turned upside down. I believe you'll walk down the best path for you though, wishing you luck and kindness.

 

Would you say the same for someone who did this to a child? What have you done to animals?

[Wiseman2]

Sorry all this is happening for you. Why did you buy a house together with no plans for a future? His image, a wedding party and cats and dogs should not be determining your future. What's important is that you've now seen a side of him you find frightening and you're afraid of his reaction. That in itself tells you a lot...Do you want to spend your life losing sleep or continue living in fear of him or this false image you've crafted, lying to the vet and everyone else about him?

 

1. Your dad said he can take it for now.

2. That's easy. You tell him he was violent to an animal and that it's over.

3. You are working only part time.

4. Yes you'll need to divide your assets legally. It doesn't matter who buys whom out, who stays, if it's sold, etc. In fact you could ask him to move out and buy him out and get a roommate. You have a lot more options than he makes you think you do.

5. Why isn't your family on your side? They "love" a fake image of him that you've crafted through deceit.

I’m scared of and I feel he won’t understand why I’m ending it. He doesn’t seem to understand that what he did was wrong. I haven’t been sleeping the last few nights.

[1a1a]

Would you say the same for someone who did this to a child? What have you done to animals?

 

This is a very thought provoking question for 3am.

 

Let's say unilaterally, be it animal or child, if a person is resorting to violence against it the two should be split up immediately. I stand by the notion that a person doing it due to poor emotional regulation/self control is coming from a different head space to someone who always had the potential for abuse in them (the point of difference being that the latter pursues violence for a sense of power).

 

Ah this is gonna suck to write down. But you contribute to my posts all the time HollyJ so I'll answer that. I used to live with a dog that chewed everything in sight, my interactions with that dog deteriorated over time and by the end that dog was being yelled at and kicked/hit if within reach by myself. I never felt good about it after, it was sheer frustration. (This was a good ten years ago, I like to hope to think I would react differently now.) More recently I had a pet rat for a while that absolutely hated me and would savagely bite my fingers every chance she got (like, bleeding profusely, swollen for days degree of savage bites). Even when she had free roaming time she would harry my feet and bristle at me. She'd bite, I think I used to pick her up and squeeze her (like, I'm one hundred times your size, I could crush you, stop biting me). My reactions got more and more forceful the more times she bit me. To be honest I reached a point where I was afraid I'd kill her if she kept living with me (ended up managing to rehome her back with her original owner where she was a well behaved angel, she wasn't a mindlessly aggressive rat, she just hated me specifically).

 

Edit to add: I've been known to yell and get violent with inanimate objects when under pressure too. Again, poor emotional regulation. Not the worst of the worst but not good enough either. And it never seemed strange to me because my father reacts the same way. Used to cause my housemate concern though which always made me wonder if his parents never raised their voices that much. 'Working class' childhood versus 'middle class' childhood. Therapy doesn't sound like a terrible idea.

 

Sorry for the tangent op. You know your partner, you know the surrounding context, you know how much mental energy you have expended lately worrying about this. Separating the puppy from your partner for now sounds like an absolute good idea. Separating yourself from your partner if he has no interested in working on himself also sounds like a good idea.

[Seraphim]

Working class vrs middle class doesn’t mean squat when it comes to emotional regulation. There are people with good and bad emotional regulation in every group of society .

[Batya33]

Working class vrs middle class doesn’t mean squat when it comes to emotional regulation. There are people with good and bad emotional regulation in every group of society .

 

Exactly. And it's about knowing when to walk away and take a deep breath or at least pause. Whether it involves an animal, a child, a driver that cut you off, whatever. My son and I were bullied by a public bus driver the other day and instead of escalating the discussion (meaning by threatening to call the authorities, not physical or yelling!) I thought for a moment about the ramifications of escalating given my child's safety. I swallowed my anger/frustration and my son saw me make that decision. And I told him why. And yes it's about re-homing a pet where the owner knows the animal pushes her boundaries too much or doing something similar to avoid reacting to anger in a violent way.

 

Nothing at all to do with class.

[1a1a]

Pure speculation really, either way growing up reacting with anger was evidently more normalised to me than a lot of the other posters.

[dias]

growing up reacting with anger was evidently more normalised to me

I understand.

[Batya33]

Pure speculation really, either way growing up reacting with anger was evidently more normalised to me than a lot of the other posters.

 

Yes, and then you became an adult who could choose to make different choices which obviously can take more work than someone who grew up differently but that is what being an adult gives you the opportunity to do. Children have less of that opportunity and less maturity/insight/wisdom. My father was a loud often angry person because of his mental illness and I believe he was at least emotionally abused by his parents. I want my son to grow up in as calm/balanced environment as possible. So I work on that daily and sometimes more than daily. With a lot of success. It can be done and I know as an adult blaming my upbringing for poor/unhealthy/destructive or even abusive choices is a bit of a cop-out IMO.

[Seraphim]

Pure speculation really, either way growing up reacting with anger was evidently more normalised to me than a lot of the other posters.

 

No, not really. I grew up with a severely mentally ill parent who screamed at people all the time. Hit my mom. Threw things. His brother brutally raped me . He would pound me into the floor to submit. Kicking me while I was on the ground and dislocating my knee. Etc etc.

 

Do I get enraged sometimes? When I get like that I walk away . I never want an animal or child to feel the way I did . I wanted the generational abuse to end with me. I chose not to repeat it.

[boltnrun]

It's always a choice.

 

The OP's boyfriend is CHOOSING to abuse a helpless baby animal. He may feel he has the right to cause injury to a baby animal who "made" him mad. And that's what's dangerous...when people believe they have the right to hurt other living creatures they don't usually try to stop because they don't think it's wrong.

 

And the OP is complicit by lying to the vet and concealing her boyfriend's true nature from her family because, gosh, they'd be just so very disappointed because they LOVE him so much!

 

I know she probably won't be back because she probably isn't enjoying the feedback she's being given. But I sure hope she realized what the right thing to do is. Hopefully she removed the poor puppy from the household. If she wants to stay with a man whose go-to is physical violence that's her choice, but the puppy didn't ask for that.

[jellybean2018]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years and we’ve lived together for 3 years. We recently got a puppy and I’ve now seen a side of my bf that scares me.

 

The 2nd week we had the puppy it was jumping up on my bf while he was working on something and he pushed the puppy so hard with anger that the puppy flew into the air and landed awkwardly on its leg. The puppy started to yelp/cry hysterically in pain and I thought its leg was broken. I started crying because I was so worried about the puppy but my bf said “I barely touched him” and was super defensive and didn’t seem to care that he had hurt the puppy. The puppy limped for a few days but thank goodness made a full recovery.

 

Now almost daily my bf smacks and screams at the top of his lungs at the puppy for the littlest errors. He’s so loud that my heart starts racing and I feel terrified. I’ve been avoiding being around him and trying to keep the puppy away from him because I’m afraid he will hurt the puppy again. I’ve told my bf that he needs to be more patient and that I don’t agree with him hitting the puppy but it just makes my bf even more angry when try to talk to him about it.

 

.

 

 

 

You need to get this puppy out of this abuse NOW. I cannot STAND anyone who is cruel to animals. Next time it will be a more serious injury, then another injury... its basicaly animal abuse. Its also abusive to you, scaring you.

 

You know this, or you wouldn't be here posting.

 

You know this is wrong!

 

Animals don't have voices, you do... its your responsibility to ensure this puppy isn't abused, emotionally and physically.

 

I feel really sad for your situation, but angry as animals have no voice. Poor thing is being traumatized because of your boyfriends anger issues. Its wrong.

[jellybean2018]

It's always a choice.

 

The OP's boyfriend is CHOOSING to abuse a helpless baby animal. He may feel he has the right to cause injury to a baby animal who "made" him mad. And that's what's dangerous...when people believe they have the right to hurt other living creatures they don't usually try to stop because they don't think it's wrong.

 

And the OP is complicit by lying to the vet and concealing her boyfriend's true nature from her family because, gosh, they'd be just so very disappointed because they LOVE him so much!

 

I know she probably won't be back because she probably isn't enjoying the feedback she's being given. But I sure hope she realized what the right thing to do is. Hopefully she removed the poor puppy from the household. If she wants to stay with a man whose go-to is physical violence that's her choice, but the puppy didn't ask for that.

 

Messed up isn't it... i'm enraged that people put up with this.

 

Theres enough pain and suffering in the world,

 

Her other half is obviously troubled and needs help... but that puppy has every right to a loving home. Us in the west are in a position where we can do stuff about animal suffering. This is a case, where it can easily be stopped.

 

Hopefully she gets a backbone and puts an end to it.

 

If i was dating anyone who did that to an animal, the 1st time i seen it, to make it limp.... I would be out of that door.

[jellybean2018]

Originally Posted by dias

You misconstrued my words. Smacking and screaming are abuse but given that he never had a puppy before, his behaviour is not that preposterous. It takes time for someone to adapt and learn to control himself. If he is willing to learn of course. The injury was over the top though.

 

Hollyj

I don't agree.

 

I concur.

 

How you react, like this... is a sign. A really big RED FLAG. How can you say the injury is over the top? Flinging an animal through the air like that and injuring it, is animal abuse.

[LotusBlack]

I'm not really sure why anyone hasn't mentioned this yet, unless I've missed it somewhere in the thread, but this has gone from 0-100 really fast. What your partner did was not okay in any way, shape or form, and your puppy should be removed from the household, as others have said, immediately. Taking him to your dad's place is a good plan. In the meantime, I wouldn't simply break up with your partner and sell the house, etc. You did have 4 years together without any history of abuse or even any indication of it. For this reason, I would break it down for your partner and say how you feel, what you intend to do with the puppy and that you will not continue in the relationship like this, so you would like him to get some counselling and anger management help. If he is unwilling or unable to accept that requirement, then, by all means, resume your plan to end things and sell up or whatever. I think he, as a person who has not shown this type of behaviour before, deserves for this to be an opportunity for him to learn and grow, but only if he's willing to undergo counselling.

 

If he does that, then you can re-evaluate the situation after an appropriate period of time and slowly reintroduce the puppy back into the household. Not over night, but perhaps a few hours a day here and there and see how his interaction goes. You will be able to tell if his counselling is effective and he's learning how to cope.

 

By the way, to those who may feel that this is going too easy on the partner - my suggestion in no way condones what he's done and it was entirely unacceptable. But, I also think breaking up and selling the house and getting legal advice for based on something that has been entirely isolated to this dog, is a little premature. If he usually handles stressful situations in other areas of life without such a problem, then it may just be worth giving him the chance to see why he behaved that way (through counselling) and if he is able to change it. It may be something that is able to be overcome with time and therapy. And yes, OP, I can understand that your feelings for him have shifted in light of what has happened, but if you see him taking the steps towards counselling and putting the work in to overcome the issue, then I think you'll find that you will be able to move on from that.

 

Of course, if he doesn't agree to doing the counselling or only does it to appease you, then, by all means, tell him what the consequences of his actions are - you and puppy leaving, and you selling up and ending things for good. The ball's in his court then.

[Seraphim]

I'm not really sure why anyone hasn't mentioned this yet, unless I've missed it somewhere in the thread, but this has gone from 0-100 really fast. What your partner did was not okay in any way, shape or form, and your puppy should be removed from the household, as others have said, immediately. Taking him to your dad's place is a good plan. In the meantime, I wouldn't simply break up with your partner and sell the house, etc. You did have 4 years together without any history of abuse or even any indication of it. For this reason, I would break it down for your partner and say how you feel, what you intend to do with the puppy and that you will not continue in the relationship like this, so you would like him to get some counselling and anger management help. If he is unwilling or unable to accept that requirement, then, by all means, resume your plan to end things and sell up or whatever. I think he, as a person who has not shown this type of behaviour before, deserves for this to be an opportunity for him to learn and grow, but only if he's willing to undergo counselling.

 

If he does that, then you can re-evaluate the situation after an appropriate period of time and slowly reintroduce the puppy back into the household. Not over night, but perhaps a few hours a day here and there and see how his interaction goes. You will be able to tell if his counselling is effective and he's learning how to cope.

 

By the way, to those who may feel that this is going too easy on the partner - my suggestion in no way condones what he's done and it was entirely unacceptable. But, I also think breaking up and selling the house and getting legal advice for based on something that has been entirely isolated to this dog, is a little premature. If he usually handles stressful situations in other areas of life without such a problem, then it may just be worth giving him the chance to see why he behaved that way (through counselling) and if he is able to change it. It may be something that is able to be overcome with time and therapy. And yes, OP, I can understand that your feelings for him have shifted in light of what has happened, but if you see him taking the steps towards counselling and putting the work in to overcome the issue, then I think you'll find that you will be able to move on from that.

 

Of course, if he doesn't agree to doing the counselling or only does it to appease you, then, by all means, tell him what the consequences of his actions are - you and puppy leaving, and you selling up and ending things for good. The ball's in his court then.

He threw the puppy through the air and injured its leg and gets mad at it and yells at it and smacks it etc. The post made me sick to my stomach.

[hutch731]

Animal abuse is often a sign of much deeper seeded problems, such as psychosis. Please remove yourself and the puppy as soon as possible.

[LotusBlack]

He threw the puppy through the air and injured its leg and gets mad at it and yells at it and smacks it etc. The post made me sick to my stomach.

 

Yes, he did. At what point has anyone on this thread said that that's acceptable behaviour and treatment of an animal? I certainly didn't. But does that therefore then mean that the OP's partner should just accept he did that and it's okay, the OP should move out with the puppy and he doesn't have to be accountable for his actions; he just continues on with things? No, she should sit down with him and have a serious discussion about where that puts them and their relationship. The puppy should be removed, as I acknowledged and as the OP has already made arrangements for, then he needs to get himself into some counselling to address his behavioural pattern regarding the dog. What happened was atrocious, absolutely, but it doesn't mean that things cannot change. The 4 years they committed together, which by the OPs own reckoning, has been pretty good and he hasn't stepped a foot wrong in that department before this time. I think their relationship deserves to have that looked into before making the serious decision of just ending things like that. There isn't anything wrong with addressing things and then, if they don't change, continuing on with her course of action.

[Seraphim]

You also make someone accountable for their actions when you walk out. I could never be with somebody who abused animal .

[LotusBlack]

You also make someone accountable for their actions when you walk out. I could never be with somebody who abused animal .

 

Her leaving doesn't make him accountable. It means she leaves and he continues on with his life. I'm not suggesting she has to stay with him. I am only suggesting that she speaks with him seriously about what has happened and that he gets himself into some help for his issues. If he can turn things around, genuinely, then perhaps they can still have a great future - one that includes the dog. Even if he does get some help, that doesn't mean she has to promise to stay. I just think that perhaps their history together deserves the chance to find out if this situation can be overcome with some work. I don't think there is any right answer to this. I think it's a personal preference and choice about how to navigate and handle such a situation. But, certainly, things cannot remain as they are.

[boltnrun]

From the OP:

"I’ve told my bf that he needs to be more patient and that I don’t agree with him hitting the puppy but it just makes my bf even more angry when try to talk to him about it."

 

It doesn't sound like he would be open to admitting he's wrong and seeking counseling.

[Seraphim]

Her leaving doesn't make him accountable. It means she leaves and he continues on with his life. I'm not suggesting she has to stay with him. I am only suggesting that she speaks with him seriously about what has happened and that he gets himself into some help for his issues. If he can turn things around, genuinely, then perhaps they can still have a great future - one that includes the dog. Even if he does get some help, that doesn't mean she has to promise to stay. I just think that perhaps their history together deserves the chance to find out if this situation can be overcome with some work.

 

People are only going to get help when they want to not when somebody else wants them to . And people who don’t think they are wrong don’t get help . However when they find themselves all alone they might think about that .

[jellybean2018]

He threw the puppy through the air and injured its leg and gets mad at it and yells at it and smacks it etc. The post made me sick to my stomach.

 

 

Exactly...

 

"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." (Edmund Burke)

[jellybean2018]

Her leaving doesn't make him accountable. It means she leaves and he continues on with his life. I'm not suggesting she has to stay with him. I am only suggesting that she speaks with him seriously about what has happened and that he gets himself into some help for his issues. If he can turn things around, genuinely, then perhaps they can still have a great future - one that includes the dog. Even if he does get some help, that doesn't mean she has to promise to stay. I just think that perhaps their history together deserves the chance to find out if this situation can be overcome with some work. I don't think there is any right answer to this. I think it's a personal preference and choice about how to navigate and handle such a situation. But, certainly, things cannot remain as they are.

 

It would be interesting for her to post and see how things have progressed, atleast she removed the puppy from the situation which is only good thing.

 

Must be hard to see such a side to someone after such a long time, that I can empathise with... I couldn't imagine how heartbreaking it must be.

 

People need to stand up to this type of behviour though, theres so much wrong in the world already that so many turn blind eye to... like i posted...

 

"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." (Edmund Burke)

[mines]

I can't comment on this thread. I don't deal with animal abuse. Period. Only evil humans inflict abuse on animals. I have ignored this thread hoping the good people of ENA gave good advice.

 

Kick this piece of s*** to the curb...please. Seriously. Can you not do better?

 

(yes I am aware I'm commenting......) sorry not sorry.