Great relationship yet I can't trust him

[Summer2018]

I have known this man for many, many years. We dated previously, then lost touch, then reconnected and started off as friends, as he was in a relationship at the time. While we didn't have sex while he was in his relationship, we did a lot of physical things, including kissing, makeouts, etc.

I allowed it to happen because he had told me the relationship was on its last legs, as they barely saw each other, and also because I had always had a thing for this guy, and always knew there was more to us than met the eye. Now I know I was right.

 

Anyway, I am not looking for judgement for allowing our relationship to start off that way, I already know it wasn't the best and believe me, I am suffering the consequences.

 

The relationship was rocky in the beginning, because my trust was close to zero, given how we started off. His behavior was also pretty shady, and he didn't reassure me much. My gut feeling told me that he was still seeing her, and hadn't broken up with her the way he had told me. But I never had proof of that, so I don't know if there was any truth to it or it was just my paranoia.

 

For the past few months though, he changed completely. If I was to describe this feeling in words, it was as if one day he decided to end it with someone else, and focus on me. It was like all of a sudden he realized I was the one, and committed to me, changed his ways, became as reassuring as he could, kept in touch steadily, basically our relationship went from tricky and unstable to the best relationship ever, stable and loving.

 

Yet, there are days here and there when he doesn't call me at night. They are few and far between, but they do exist. And when this happens, I find myself obsessing that he is with his ex!

 

I realize that this may be happening because of the past, because I know he had no qualms about kissing me and dating me while he was still with her, which means he could very well be doing this same thing to me. Or, it may be true and my gut feeling is trying to alert me to it. I don't know.

 

Ending the relationship is not an option, I love this man and he's been amazing with me. I can't ask him why he didn't call me, because first of all it would sound psycho and all literature advises against such questions, and secondly even if he was up to no good, it's not like he would tell me.

 

But is it always going to be like this? Will I always assume that if he cheated with me, he will cheat on me? Will I always worry that he is still seeing his ex? Keep in mind, if the relationship continues the way it's been lately, it is by far the best relationship I've ever had.

 

How can I move on from the past and become less suspicious? I realize anything could be the reason for him occasionally not calling, it doesn't have to be another woman, but how do I stop myself from assuming the worst?

 

PS - in his mind, he didn't cheat on her with me, as they were already barely seeing each other so as far as he was concerned the relationship was basically done. So he doesn't understand my fears and why do I feel the way I do, he thinks I should trust him 100% and that I should know I'm safe with him.

[catfeeder]

Great relationship yet I can't trust him

 

What's 'great' about someone you can't trust?

[Summer2018]

Everything else, unfortunately. If our relationship started normally, I'd marry this man!

[Wiseman2]

This is more disconcerting than his occasionally not calling.

- in his mind, he didn't cheat on her with me, as they were already barely seeing each other so as far as he was concerned the relationship was basically done.

[j.man]

So you're telling me you're having trouble trusting a guy you were making out with, knowing he was in a relationship at the time? WhaAaAaAAaaaAAttt!??!

 

Yeah, I don't know what you want us to tell you. The circumstances leading into it were ****ty, and, no surprise, so is the relationship (call it great all you want, but no trust is just that... ****ty). You could build a gorgeous house on a muddy slope and, hey, maybe it will never rain enough to send it siding down, but you can bet your common sense will be constantly reminding you of the likelihood it someday will.

 

I'm sorry that it's not the advice you want to hear, but find a guy who didn't betray someone else to date and make out with you. Quite simply, if you learned to trust this guy, it's pretty much mean you'd dumbed yourself down.

 

Also, you didn't "allow" something to happen. You actively participated in it.

[Andrina]

"in his mind, he didn't cheat on her with me, as they were already barely seeing each other so as far as he was concerned the relationship was basically done."

 

Yeah, that's the line players always use to the women they know are that naive. I bet if anyone talked to her, she'd have a totally different story to tell.

 

What do emotionally healthy and ethical men do when a relationship isn't working out? They pull out all of the stops to make it work, or they break up BEFORE entering a new relationship.

 

If you haven't seen a magic fairy change his poor ethics with the swipe of a wand, then what you see is what you get. People with low self-esteem are willing to put up with what others would consider deal breakers. Sounds like you've been wounded in the past and the wolves can smell you from miles away. Best to work on your self-esteem so that you will attract and accept no less than a decent man.

[DancingFool]

You can lie to yourself all day long about how great your relationship is and how you both weren't cheating....buuut....you really can't get away from reality can you? No, it's not paranoia, it's your common sense talking to you telling you to wake up and deal with what is - this man has no character, can't be trusted, and is not a good partner and never will be to anyone. Bottom line is you cannot trust someone who has proven to be untrustworthy. Getting involved like isn't love, it's desperation. Please find your self worth, find your self respect, stop lying to yourself and move on. Find a man who is actually trustworthy, has character, morals, and values and understand somehow that you actually deserve that.

 

What you are doing right now is basically reaching down to the bottom of the barrel, pulling out the most rotten fish you could get your hands on and then going "gosh this rotten fish really stinks...but maybe I'm just imagining it." Nope, you are not. Rotten fish stink and the stench will poison your life and your happiness.

[thealchemist]

His lack of boundaries started this relationship with you.

 

His lack of boundaries will also probably end it.

 

If he cheated on his Gf with you and still doesn't see anything wrong afterwards there isn't much to work with.

 

If your boyfriend was off making out with another woman wouldn't you consider it cheating? The quality of the relationship is a moot point. Cheating is cheating.

 

If it is so bad then end it.

 

If he sees no issues with doing this then you know exactly where he stands.

 

In my opinion he wouldn't even be cheating on you if he was going back and doing stuff with his ex. Because he already told you he sees no issue with it, so it isn't cheating in his mind.

 

It sounds like he just has a very open relationship minded viewpoint, which is 100% totally ok in my mind.

 

It is a little hypocritical to enter in a relationship with someone who tells you they don't see certain things as cheating, which is the only reason your relationship started with him, then turn around and try to get him to change his idea of what is cheating or not once you enter one with him.

 

He is still the cheating boyfriend he was before he started being your boyfriend. He doesn't even show remorse... Why would you think his core values of what to do or not do in a relationship have changed?

[Summer2018]

I was hoping people change. It may sound naïve, but I know for a fact that he's never been with anyone who was a better fit for him than I am, and that includes his last ex. In fact, they were very different and unable to do mutually rewarding things or activities because she wasn't into them.

So this is where I'm coming from. Thinking that once you meet someone you really click with, the whole game changes. There must be some success stories somewhere, of people who started out like me and him!

 

Wiseman hit the nail, because this is the part I'm most uncomfortable with - that he doesn't think he cheated. Which means that if some woman wanted to kiss him today, he would go for it? But of course this would be a pointless question to ask him, as he would never tell me the truth.

 

I suppose this is a good life lesson for me and anyone starting a relationship on such shaky foundations. But for me it's too late, I should have bowed out at the beginning, because now I'm in way too deep, and it's way too late to start going all moral on him, now that he's actually putting some good effort into this relationship.

It's a cross I have to bear until the end, whatever that end will be, I guess.

[Summer2018]

His lack of boundaries started this relationship with you.

 

His lack of boundaries will also probably end it.

 

If he cheated on his Gf with you and still doesn't see anything wrong afterwards there isn't much to work with.

 

If your boyfriend was off making out with another woman wouldn't you consider it cheating? The quality of the relationship is a moot point. Cheating is cheating.

 

If it is so bad then end it.

 

If he sees no issues with doing this then you know exactly where he stands.

 

In my opinion he wouldn't even be cheating on you if he was going back and doing stuff with his ex. Because he already told you he sees no issue with it, so it isn't cheating in his mind.

 

It sounds like he just has a very open relationship minded viewpoint, which is 100% totally ok in my mind.

 

It is a little hypocritical to enter in a relationship with someone who tells you they don't see certain things as cheating, which is the only reason your relationship started with him, then turn around and try to get him to change his idea of what is cheating or not once you enter one with him.

 

He is still the cheating boyfriend he was before he started being your boyfriend. He doesn't even show remorse... Why would you think his core values of what to do or not do in a relationship have changed?

 

But he made it clear to me that he would dump me on the spot, if he ever caught me hugging, let alone kissing, another man.

He claimed he didn't cheat on his ex because the relationship wasn't a relationship anymore, it was more of a convenience thing. Of course I don't agree with this, but I can't change the way he thinks. He is the farthest thing from open minded though, not liberal at all when it comes to committed relationships. Or so he says.

[DancingFool]

But he made it clear to me that he would dump me on the spot, if he ever caught me hugging, let alone kissing, another man.

He claimed he didn't cheat on his ex because the relationship wasn't a relationship anymore, it was more of a convenience thing. Of course I don't agree with this, but I can't change the way he thinks. He is the farthest thing from open minded though, not liberal at all when it comes to committed relationships. Or so he says.

 

So it's OK for him to cheat and he will lie and spin and justify it any way he wants to, but YOU don't even think about doing to him what he does to others. What a gem you've got. Well, it's not unusual to have this kind of one way street mentality. Goes hand in hand with the overall lack of respect they have for their partners and people at large.

 

He can say whatever he wants, but look at his actions - he cheated on his ex and did so for a very long time. On top of that, cheaters lie. They lie about themselves, their life, their relationships, their partners and on and on and on. Their whole life is a giant lie, so no, you cannot believe anything that he has said about his ex. I would bet good money that his ex would be shocked to find out what he was doing and would absolutely consider it cheating...and I think you know this deep down.

 

You've got yourself a cheater....so what now?

[thealchemist]

But he made it clear to me that he would dump me on the spot, if he ever caught me hugging, let alone kissing, another man.

He claimed he didn't cheat on his ex because the relationship wasn't a relationship anymore, it was more of a convenience thing. Of course I don't agree with this, but I can't change the way he thinks. He is the farthest thing from open minded though, not liberal at all when it comes to committed relationships. Or so he says.

Actions speak louder than words.

 

Just because he told you he would dump you on the spot for doing what he did doesn't mean he holds himself to that same standard.

 

It doesn't matter how broken and doomed their relationship was. He still admitted it was one, and I doubt the girl was as aware of it being "done" as he was.

 

He can't have it both ways.

 

He just added some "extenuating circumstance" to justify him cheating.

 

What would stop him from screwing around with another woman because he thinks your relationship is nearing its end?

 

Just because he thinks it is ending doesn't mean you are aware.

 

He made up a bullsh*t excuse because that is all he needed to get you on board. It worked too. So why wouldn't he just tell the next woman another excuse?

 

His tactic worked with you so it just solidified its effectiveness in his mind.

 

He can stair step/monkey branch up the chain.

[Wiseman2]

How is that different from the "my wife doesn't understand me" excuse? So many red flags. His possessiveness is not love, it's entitlement (the same as cheating) and arrogance. You may think after "fighting for him" and "winning" that you have invested a lot however he has not. He is sliding from one "convenient" situation to the next.

 

This isn't about the circumstances of how you met and how he suddenly was attentive (perhaps she found out and kicked his convenient butt out?) it is about his glib explanations for taking advantage of people. Once the honeymoon phase is over, you will see the full extent of his character flaws.

He claimed he didn't cheat on his ex because the relationship wasn't a relationship anymore, it was more of a convenience thing.

[Summer2018]

So it's OK for him to cheat and he will lie and spin and justify it any way he wants to, but YOU don't even think about doing to him what he does to others. What a gem you've got. Well, it's not unusual to have this kind of one way street mentality. Goes hand in hand with the overall lack of respect they have for their partners and people at large.

 

He can say whatever he wants, but look at his actions - he cheated on his ex and did so for a very long time. On top of that, cheaters lie. They lie about themselves, their life, their relationships, their partners and on and on and on. Their whole life is a giant lie, so no, you cannot believe anything that he has said about his ex. I would bet good money that his ex would be shocked to find out what he was doing and would absolutely consider it cheating...and I think you know this deep down.

 

You've got yourself a cheater....so what now?

 

I consider it cheating too, but at the time being with him was all I could think about, I didn't spend too much time considering the future, and how I would feel if we really did get together. My bad, obviously.

 

But now it's too late, I'm in too deep, and I can't go all moral on him about a distant past that I had accepted, especially now when he's actually putting in an effort. So the only thing I have left is live with the paranoia that every time he is not with me, he might be somewhere kissing and making out with others.

[DancingFool]

I consider it cheating too, but at the time being with him was all I could think about, I didn't spend too much time considering the future, and how I would feel if we really did get together. My bad, obviously.

 

But now it's too late, I'm in too deep, and I can't go all moral on him about a distant past that I had accepted, especially now when he's actually putting in an effort. So the only thing I have left is live with the paranoia that every time he is not with me, he might be somewhere kissing and making out with others.

 

Such bs....it's NEVER too late to start making better decisions for yourself and your well being.

[thealchemist]

I consider it cheating too, but at the time being with him was all I could think about, I didn't spend too much time considering the future, and how I would feel if we really did get together. My bad, obviously.

 

But now it's too late, I'm in too deep, and I can't go all moral on him about a distant past that I had accepted, especially now when he's actually putting in an effort. So the only thing I have left is live with the paranoia that every time he is not with me, he might be somewhere kissing and making out with others.

Well I would start getting std screenings frequently then.

 

It seems inevitable

[eurynomus]

A relationship is over when someone 'dumps' the other person or both verbally agree that it is over, until either of these 2 are met, you are still in a relationship and any relationship you start with another person, is cheating.

Regardless, I feel, as most here already stated, that these are lines he uses, just like many others, I'm not saying he is actually cheating on you at this point or during those days you obsess over it, but the switch you describe, tells me there quite possibly was something going on before.

I dont know how you should accept what your gut feeling is telling you, I am not going to call it paranoia because most of the time, such feelings are there for a good reason.

If you say that everything is great, then you should trust him. If you cant trust him, everything is not great, despite it being the best relationship you have had.

It feels like you're trying to convince yourself that there's nothing better for you out there. Just because this is the best you ever had, doesnt mean it is the best you deserve or can achieve. A mans words should match his actions and I dont feel this is the case

If you choose to settle with this man, you'll have to indeed find a way (dont know how sorry) to accept that there's a good chance, you might get cheated on

I personally cant accept that, so I dont have an answer for you but I hope you find a solution here, because otherwise, I fear for your emotional future

[abitbroken]

Ending the relationship is not an option, I love this man and he's been amazing with me. I can't ask him why he didn't call me, because first of all it would sound psycho and all literature advises against such questions, and secondly even if he was up to no good, it's not like he would tell me.

 

No...you have every right to say the next time you talk to him "how was your evening last night?" That is not psycho in the least.

Honestly, your relationship is *not* good because you don't trust this man. he was not remorseful for cheating on his girlfriend with you. Sorry, a relationship is still going on if "they see eachother less and less" -- for all you know he could have been seeing her as many times he was seeing you - just at different times of the day.

 

I think that you need to make a better choice and not be so blind "breaking up is not an option." Do you want to be one of those girlfriends or wives where their guy's cheating is an unspoken secret and there is an "undesrstanding". Who knows, he may not be cheating - but i think given the history you have concerns that you have every right to air here. You are not being psycho

[MissCanuck]

There are two big problems in the present, OP.

 

1) You two have completely different ideas about what constitutes cheating, and thus your boundaries are different. That isn't good. You consider his past actions as cheating, while he doesn't. Yes, you should indeed be worried he could tell another girl the same thing if your relationship starts to go south. You're not on the same page about a very important issue. This is a major red flag because he takes zero accountability and in fact tries to justify his bad behavior.

 

2) He operates on a double standard. He'd dump you on the spot for hugging someone else, yet gave himself permission to do that and much more with you while he had a girlfriend. Also really not good. That strongly suggests that if he hugs another girl, there is a lot more behind it than a friendly embrace. He knows what he is capable of, and he doesn't want you to be like him, in other words.

 

So while you made the choice to accept how you two began and pursue a relationship anyway, the problems are not related only to his prior cheating. They're about how very differently you set boundaries and the current levels of integrity you hold yourselves to. He's showing you and telling you he still hasn't got much.

 

Unless and until you reach an agreement about what is acceptable in a relationship and what is not, you're going to continue to feel insecure and worry that he is up to his old tricks. I personally know of two couples that started in infidelity, and I can tell you both have a lot of problems with trust even years on - largely for the same reason you're describing here. The one who really saw no issue with the past infidelity is the same one who still cheats today while his now-wife pretends not to know.

[reinventmyself]

But he made it clear to me that he would dump me on the spot, if he ever caught me hugging, let alone kissing, another man.

He claimed he didn't cheat on his ex because the relationship wasn't a relationship anymore, it was more of a convenience thing. Of course I don't agree with this, but I can't change the way he thinks. He is the farthest thing from open minded though, not liberal at all when it comes to committed relationships. Or so he says.

It's more of a convenient rationalization.

 

He has shown you his moral character. His values prove that he can justify cheating while calling it something else. You do hear that don't you?

This is what he is capable of and this is what you have signed up for. It doesn't get any clearer than that. You can bet on this horse if you choose to but it comes with a price.

 

So when things get stale. . as they often do in relationships, you will always be watching your back for the next time he lines up a back up plan while telling her that your relationship with him is nothing more than a convenience.

 

It's ok. . we've all done it. Lied to ourselves and believed we were different. You may very well be different, but he isn't. It's also not a crime to want to believe we are the exception and to try to have faith in someone.

He may prove us all wrong. Personally it's not a risk I'd be willing to take. Especially when there are a lot of good men still out there. Why settle?

 

Besides, by being with him there is an unspoken message that you have a high tolerance of mistreatment, if not of yourself but of others.

 

I'd hold out for a man with integrity and at the same time I'd believe I was worth it.

[DaisyMayPorter]

I can't go all moral on him about a distant past that I had accepted, especially now when he's actually putting in an effort. So the only thing I have left is live with the paranoia that every time he is not with me, he might be somewhere kissing and making out with others.

 

You can’t “go all moral on him“? Why not? Why worry about what he thinks? Or feels? (Or doesn’t feel apparently.)

 

“especially now that he’s putting in an effort”- I feel like you’re giving this guy too much credit when he doesn’t deserve any credit at all. Sorry, I know that it’s not what you want to hear, but he’s not a good guy.

[kamurj]

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