Dumped for a guy she just met

[Bugal]

Thanks guys. I hope it turns out to be a massive mistake for her and when she comes back it’s too late.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like she's looking to run away. This farm thing and this farm guy seem like an out to her. Perhaps she saw dating you as another form of support, but not the escape she's looking for. For this reason, it's clear why she's nice to you yet looking to run. Run to anyone, anything, anywhere that offers her an out.

just the other month she had an argument with her dad and he ripped it up

[Cope]

Yeah she doesn't have her life sorted out if it's so easy for her to run away with a married guy and go live in a farm just like that. She's probably still trying to figure herself out. I'd consider myself lucky she left. As painful as it is now, you dodged a bullet.

[wgmitch]

Thanks for getting back Mitch you’re right. It just seems crazy how a girl is one minute madly in love with you and the next it’s like you don’t know her. It’s super painful

 

Bugal,

 

It is crazy and irrational behavior, keep this in mind. I know it's painful, but in time you will come to grips with this hurt and situation. You need to learn from it and grow. Just don't let it hurt your trust in another good person and a good relationship, because they are out there waiting for all of us.

 

In solidarity my friend.

 

Mitch

[Bugal]

Thanks everyone :) this site is really helping. I’ve gotta basically move on and forget. Easier said than done but that’s my goal

[MissCanuck]

Whatever her reasoning and whatever the real story is behind her behaviour, remember it is not the behaviour of someone who respects you.

 

There are plenty of kinder, more respectful ways to end a relationship. The way she went about this says a lot about her real character, OP. It will take him to heal, but you will one day see what a bullet you dodged here.

[katrina1980]

I'm sorry, that's really tough. It's extra hard when there is already someone else in the picture.

 

You are right to go NC, you need space to heal.

 

You have to accept her decision. I know its sounds awful but...these things happen. It one of the risks that we take when we get into relationships - that one day they will leave us.

 

Whatever happened at the farm is enough for her to feel she needs something else in her life. She has the right to explore that. But it is very difficult for you I know.

 

After reading all these responses, this^ is the post that resonates with me the most.

 

@wgmitch, I am not familiar with what you have experienced in your life as far as relationships go, but I am wondering where you got that OP's ex cheated on him and lied?

 

Or others' assertions that she is "messed up" or "did him wrong"? Disrespectful?

 

Did I miss something?

 

What I read is that she had what appeared to be a loving RL with the OP, went on vacation to a farm and met another man and felt a connection with him.

 

This does not constitute "cheating" - in fact she told the OP nothing happened, and having known her for many years, he believed her.

 

The connection was strong enough that when she returned home, she was honest with her BF (the OP), so she told him, and ended the relationship.

 

This was the "correct" thing to do, so no she did not "do him wrong" as some have suggested. Not from what I read anyway.

 

What would you have suggested she do? Remain in the RL with the OP knowing she had feelings and felt a connection with another man? In my world, "that" would have been dishonest, lying and "doing him wrong."

 

There is NO evidence that she knew this man prior, had been carrying on with him and was "planning" this.

 

This is pure speculation (projection?), not based on any *facts* the OP has shared about this situation.

 

JMO but all this villainizing of the dumper (not just this thread) is out of control.

 

If it's based on facts, fine, but not seeing it here.

 

Shyt happens, she met someone else, that's the risk we all take when getting into a RL.

 

OP, it does NOT mean she didn't (doesn't) love you, respect you, or value you. In fact, the "fact" she told you pretty much immediately upon her return (indicating honesty, integrity, respect) suggests the opposite!

 

Again, shyt happens in life. We love, sometimes it works out forever, sometimes it doesn't and we get hurt, and/or hurt others.

 

What is important (again my opinion) is that we're resilient and learn to deal without falling into a depression or allowing it to devastate us to the point we can't carry on.

 

Villainizing our former partners, trashing them, deeming them narcissists, sociopaths, BPD, etc. (not this thread but others) or otherwise assigning qualities to them that are not based in "fact" (cheaters, liars) does us NO good whatsoever!

 

All that does it keep you "stuck" on what "they" did to *you*, leading to bitterness, distrust (generally), feeling victimized, versus accepting that shyt happens, this is what life dealt you, it sucks, it hurts like hell, but hell I am strong, I'm resilient, I will get through this and become stronger for having done so!

 

Apologies for the semi-rant guys and if I've missed something (like evidence that she actually lied and cheated) please let me know!

 

To the OP, I am really sorry this happened! Believe me I do empathize with your pain -- having what appears to be a great RL suddenly fall to pieces may be one of the most painful things one can ever experience other than the death of a loved one.

 

Been there, done that! Both actually, not sure which was worse.

 

One thing I never did was trash my ex. I realized doing so was NOT gonna help me move on, just keep me stuck in my pain, self-pity, feeling "victimized" leading to bitterness and distrust of men in general.

 

Six year RL, engaged and then suddenly it's over! Yeah, very very painful.

 

It took me a very long time to fully move on, had many setbacks, crap relationships, but now nearly 2.5 years later, I'm in a really good place!

 

And much much stronger, have grown, and evolved from having gone though it! Learned a hell of a lot in the process too, it's been quite a journey, still is!

 

Wishing you the best of luck as you deal with "acceptance" and the journey to healing.

 

((hugs))

[Bugal]

Hey Kat thanks for replying, I really opreciate your views on this. You’re probably right to some extent. I just think it’s crazy how fast it happened but I know girls are wired totally different to us. I’d never trash her (I don’t think I have yet) just feel broken and empty because I would never have done that to her. I guess it just means I was there to fill a gap until she found something better, and that hurts like hell. But I have to remember no one willl think the same as I do when in a relationship. I was loyal and loving. Yeah at some points I could be a but isn’t that just us boys? It Just makes me sad because I did and do love her and when I was in Australia we called , text and video called everyday.

So I thought she loved me right back but that was obviously just an act. We were so so close but again that must’ve been lie. I will move on and continue NC for life I’m just really scared I’d not trust anyone anymore esp when everything she showed and shared with me felt like true love. Confusing times

[katrina1980]

Why do you think it was all an "act"?

 

Just because she met someone else she felt a stronger connection with, whom she felt was a better fit (for her) DOES NOT mean that what she felt, and may still feel, for you was not real, and an "act."

 

Where do you get that?

 

People change, feelings can change, this is a fact of life, and as I said a risk we all take when embarking on a relationship.

 

Please please please, try and stay away from feeling victimized, like when you say her love was all an act. It wasn't unless she's some sort of sociopath; it was very real.

 

She met someone else whom she felt is a better fit, was very honest with you about it, which speaks volumes to the level of respect she has for you, and I am sure from how you have described her and your relationship, she still cares about you very much, she even said so and is respecting your request for no contact.

 

Again understand your hurt and pain and need to blame, but seriously all that will do is keep you stuck making it difficult to move on.

 

Wishing you the best, again BTDT, came out the other side, stronger, wiser, smarter.

 

~Peace and Love :)

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like she did and does love you but was very conflicted in her life and that went unnoticed by you. You never mentioned the intense problems she was having at home/with her family. When someone runs away across the country, there's a lot more involved than some farmer.

So I thought she loved me right back but that was obviously just an act. We were so so close but again that must’ve been lie.

[Bugal]

Thanks for this, I really appreciate the advice :) it’s been a week of no contact and I am absolutely dying to text her and was going to ask if this was a bad idea? But from reading this I know it would be. I use Snapchat quite a lot and always have and I know she’s been watching all my Snapchat stories (luckily they’ve all been of me having fun) but I don’t want to delete her from this because I don’t want to look weak and Petty.

[thealchemist]

Thanks for this, I really appreciate the advice :) it’s been a week of no contact and I am absolutely dying to text her and was going to ask if this was a bad idea? But from reading this I know it would be. I use Snapchat quite a lot and always have and I know she’s been watching all my Snapchat stories (luckily they’ve all been of me having fun) but I don’t want to delete her from this because I don’t want to look weak and Petty.

Honestly who cares if you look weak and petty.

 

If her being on your Snapchat changes your usage of it based on her attention, removing her would probably be best.

 

If it looks weak and petty to do what is best for your recovery then the person making those judgements is an @sshole.

[Young mind]

Women can be extremely brutal and heartless when a new guy is in the picture. Once they flip the switch you are done.

They don't want to see you and they will treat you like trash. They live their NRE bliss and do not want to hear from you, so that you do not interfere with their new experience

 

I've been there recently and it is quite shocking to see that loving woman you used to know turned into an heartless stranger. I feel for you dude

You think this new guy will snatch your woman forever and you feel like it is game over

 

The problem here is that like most of the guys in this kind of situation you cannot keep your s**** together and start acting weak and needy, which is a huge turn off for women. The moment they see you acting clingy they will test the s*** out of you until you fall apart. Women hate when men behave like women

 

But here is the thing. I'm not saying that you necessarily screwed up, but somehow, your woman wasn't that much into the relationship lately otherwise she never would have left you for a farmer boy in a remote s*** hole. You probably took her for granted and stopped courting her enough to make her chase you

A woman who chases you will never go anywhere

 

Now, this guy is more likely a temporary fantasy and there is nothing you can do about it. Odds are that this relationship will fail in no time anyway

You must back off and let it fail

 

Scarcity creates value. You were too available and behaving like a beta wussy after the break up. She kept you around like a beta orbiter and strung you along as a backup in case her country romance fails

Refuse to be her backup and regain your dignity

 

My advice to you is to tell her that you that you really care about her and that you want to be with her and work things out. (don’t ask for another chance though; watch out the wording) Tell her that you are not interested in being her friend and that if she doesn’t want to do anything about the relationship, then there is nothing to talk about. It is romance or nothing. Tell her you need to move on with your life and ask her to not contact you ever again unless she wants to rekindle the relationship. Tell her all this in a loving but firm way

 

If you fail to do that, you will become her male girlfriend and will be friendzoned. She will definitely lose respect for you and you’ll be toast

You must walk away and mean it. That’s the only way you will ever get a chance to get her back

Don’t ever chase, do not contact her. From that moment she is dead to you

 

She must earn you back and contact you only in your own terms; that is the only way you will get that woman back

 

Still can't believe all these Cory Wayne, 'get your ex back formula', post breakup 101, alpha, beta jargon still exists and is still pushed forward, this post has been enlightening for the OP,another poster did point out the fact that the dumper was villianized.

But all this youtube jargons, must really be avoided, it just doesn't exist, all it does is hinder you truly healing while you search for ways to be an 'ALPHA MAN' again in your ex gf' eyes.

Take your time to heal, TBH no one really cares if you were clingy or needy, why does it only matter when the man is clingy and needy, don't we all struggle, men and woman alike?.

[Wiseman2]

Agree. Every post like this is regurgitated from pickup artist sites. Are posters allowed to reproduce or post complete works of copywritten material?

But all this youtube jargons, must really be avoided, it just doesn't exist, all it does is hinder you truly healing while you search for ways to be an 'ALPHA MAN' again in your ex gf' eyes.

[Seraphim]

Agree. Every post like this is regurgitated from pickup artist sites. Are posters allowed to reproduce or post complete works of copywritten material?

 

Yup out of the PUA handbook.

[Blank State]

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[Blank State]

I’m not sure but I wouldn’t allow myself to be anyone’s plan B. I just keep thinking maybe she’s still in the holiday buzz. Because it’s a massive move, to be moving away from her family to go and live on this farm in the middle of nowhere. I just can’t get my head around how in love we were before She left. And even while she was there she would text me telling me she missed me loads and couldn’t wait to see me or hear my voice.

What’s your thoughts on this crazy situation. When I told her we couldn’t be friends and we should cut all ties. She said she missed me and she thinks she always will.

We've all been lied too. And even though it doesn't sound rational, someone can tell you something and then change their mind and do a 180 in 30 seconds. I've had it done to me, and I'm sure many people here have. But you have to entertain the notion that she may have just been blowing smoke trying to hide her cover.

 

Don't let her play with your head though. Stay strong and keep going with the NC thing. I think this was planned more than you think it may have been. Which kind of sucks, but there's plenty of people out there. You'll meet someone that will make you totally forget about her.

[Blank State]

Thanks guys this really helps. I’ve never been online asking advice for stuff like this before I’m normally really strong and confident. The only thing I will say tho is I gave her one of my hoodies and just the other month she had an argument with her dad and he ripped it up and she was that upset she paid more than the hoodie isn’t worth to get it repaired. If she didn’t love me then why do that? I dunno! my head is in bits tbh. I know this breakup is still really fresh and recent and it’ll take time but I feel crippled by it. I also work at the same place as she does and I’m off sick due to the anxiety:(

Don't do this to yourself. You're overanalyzing. You're looking for signs that she still loves you. Stop. And I'm really sorry that you work with her. That's really tough.

 

I'm not sure what you're situation is, whether you're in school, or this is your career, but I would strongly recommend finding another job if possible. You won't be able to get over her while working together. NC is greatly hindered.

[Bugal]

So I stupidly broke the no contact rule and sent her this “ hey I hope you’re ok, I’m guessing knowing you, you will be 😊 I just need to know what made you screenshot my Snapchat stories tho?

 

Then she instantly replied with this

 

“Well I’m trying my best to be as ok as possible 🙂 bit of a rollercoaster if I’m honest...but I’m trying to stay level headed 😊 seeing your face really really made me smile! I know I said at times it felt we weren’t friends...but I feel now like I totally miss my best friend actually 🤔 which is why I screenshoted your snap...and I just...I dunno..I hope you’re having an amazing time!! 😊 and I want you to know that no matter what I am thinking of you, and miss you and you’ll always be my favourite person x”

[Cope]

This is why we do NC and try to stick with it, because they say things like this and confuses the h*** out of us.

It's ok you broke it, it happens, just don't read too much into this, if she wanted to get back with you she would have told you so.

 

Try to not break NC again,block her on everything maybe? Take this message as a closure and move on.