How has your breakup changed you?

[Young mind]

I'm writing here 6 months in, perphas to show that there is definitely light at the end of the tunnel.

I want to also encourage those reading or new to this to move on 'alone'.

There's a special beauty in this, you felt the pain, it transformed you, you can stand on your feet again.

So I ask how did your breakups change you?, this can inspiring to others who do not see any hope or light!

[DanZee]

Well, for a lot of guys, they make sure they never fall as hard for another girl again. I think that's the number one guys are aloof in a relationship. They're afraid of falling too much in love.

[1a1a]

I WISH guys would sort their out and not do that.

 

I’ve had to become more autonomous, to become a person who feels complete in themselves, it’s been ing hard!!!! Thanks to finding baggage reclaim I have a perception shift on my negative feelings, what is the world trying to teach me when it makes me feel like this?! I’ve got some really awesome friends now, I didn’t have any pre break up. I can go a long time without intimacy, dont even really think about it unless I am (irritatingly) crushed on yet another person who doesn’t like me back. I’ve become better at acknowledging the absence of reciprocity and acting in accordance with that

[11moreweeks]

I no longer believe that people are inherently good at heart.

[steveng]

I'm only 2 months or so in and I'm not yet sure how this break up (from a 4 and a half year relationship) has changed me. I still feel the pain on a daily basis but it is getting less and less as the days and weeks go by. I do know that there'll be light at the end of the tunnel but it's good to hear it from others. I seriously doubt that it'll change my outlook if/when I meet someone new. If I really like that person then I won't put in the extra effort to "not fall as hard" for her, I'll just go with the flow and see what happens.

[RayRay63]

I WISH guys would sort their out and not do that.

 

It's a natural protection mechanism.

 

It doesn't always work though - but after a couple of go-rounds you grow some kevlar.

 

Do we punish subsequent loves for the sins of past loves?

 

Or do we accept that love involves risk of hurt?

 

Maybe both.

[1a1a]

I’m sure women do it to but it makes dating in ones 30s an absolute crap shoot. Sort your baggage out and get Off the online dating sites until you’re capable of being emotionally available. Grrrrrr

[monsterdrinker]

It changed me by forcing me to see that some people are not what you think they are.

[smackie9]

It made me realize to stop ignoring the red flags and dump rather than stick it out.

[Everlong13]

It made me realize to stop ignoring the red flags and dump rather than stick it out.

 

Completely agree with this

[Loveurself32]

I’ve still going through my breakup 2 months in (from a 4 year relationship). I do know that I’m changing.

 

I went from ugly crying to still feeling bad but not being able to shed another tear for my ex. I finally started seeing my ex’s faults and accepting that there’s nothing I could’ve done to prevent the breakup.

 

The one thing that I’ve learned is to love myself before anything. I’m learning that we attract a partner that carries our self worth. If we want a better partner then we’d need to become a better person first.

[bluecastle]

Writing seven months out of a devastating breakup. On paper everything that happened should make me the angriest, most bitter human being on the planet. Yet, oddly, the opposite has happened: a broken heart has made me more open.

 

The pain of the breakup basically unearthed YEARS of pain that I'd been hiding from, often using relationships as a hiding spot. So, I started really facing that stuff to get to know myself better, to be a better person, to change patterns and behaviors that don't serve my most authentic needs.

 

An incredibly hard time, no doubt, but it's been amazing to realize how much strength there is in being super vulnerable. Everything I used to hide from women I now just want seen and accepted. Of course, I have to learn to see and accept it all myself first, so I'm not dating yet, but I'm optimistic about the future and enjoying the slow healing process.

[OhGreat]

I’ve learned not to trust a woman’s feelings and what is said only applies in that moment. I can’t count how many times my ex professed her undying love for me only to stop abruptly.

 

I have become self serving and selfish and no longer care about women’s feelings who I happen to be dating. Now when they say I love you I know it is just temporary BS.

 

I’ve nothing to “sort out”. My eyes have been opened and I realize I don’t have the capacity to trust a woman again.

 

For reference, I’m in my 40s and coming on 2 years post breakup from a 7 year relationship.

[Everlong13]

I’ve learned not to trust a woman’s feelings and what is said only applies in that moment. I can’t count how many times my ex professed her undying love for me only to stop abruptly.

 

I have become self serving and selfish and no longer care about women’s feelings who I happen to be dating. Now when they say I love you I know it is just temporary BS.

 

I’ve nothing to “sort out”. My eyes have been opened and I realize I don’t have the capacity to trust a woman again.

 

For reference, I’m in my 40s and coming on 2 years post breakup from a 7 year relationship.

 

That's a real shame.

[Wiseman2]

You're punishing yourself for years after a breakup by staying bitter and hating women.

I have become self serving and selfish and no longer care about women’s feelings who I happen to be dating. I’m in my 40s and coming on 2 years post breakup from a 7 year relationship.

[Batya33]

I'm not sure if this is "changed me" but certain breakups made me more selective -not in a cynical way but in a "knowing myself" way. I knew I stayed too long in relationships that were not right for me.

 

I will tell you -not sure if this makes sense- even the jerky guys I dated didn't make me bitter and I know that because I recently had a situation where a woman I knew and trusted to an extent -and who was a moderator on a Facebook group I am on with thousands of members - seems to have been involved in criminal activity that victimized certain members of the group and certain charities -financially. She is no longer a moderator. That really affected me as far as my trust level (and yes I met her in person a few times and spoke with her by phone a few times) - with new friends in my city which is not my long time home town. So I can relate to losing trust/feeling cynical but my breakups didn't trigger that in me. I am married to an "ex" and we regained trust because of the long time that passed as well as being different people than the first time around and in complementary ways.

[Everlong13]

You're punishing yourself for years after a breakup by staying bitter and hating women.

 

Absolutely.

[Natasha207]

Ive learned that professions of undying love and soul mates are all just love sickness talking. They just say these same things to the next girl. Losing my 1st love made me realize that people are replaceable.

 

But i have also learned how amazing it is to overcome the most grippling pain and learn to stand on my own two feet. Ive regained a sense of self and rely on noone but me for validation. Ive also learned that people cope with breaksups differently... some rebound lightning style and marry 10 months into knowing the new one (*cough* i may be slightly bitter *cough)

But others take time to understand themselves and decide what they want in life.

 

What a messed up journey this has been....but ive learned ALOT

[Mikey383]

I have learned (and saw this over and over and over).... : At the start when they are sooooo in love with you... It is a bunch of B.S. and infatuation...

 

2. There is always a hidden agenda.

 

3. When the Honeymoon stage dies off... unless you are constantly showering them with validation, boosting their ego or forking out $ on them, all of the sudden they are soooo unhappy...lol (no one needs to do that for love)...

 

4. Most people live in this constant "Need" to have someone, "Need" attention...

 

5. I learned that most people live in this fake world of dreams and don't see reality... their heads are up in the clouds...And they need some sort of a rescue....

 

6. There is difference between "Need" and "Want"....

 

7. Genuine and real love does not exist... Vampires do exist... Emotional Vampires....

 

8. I learned to weed through them one by one.... There is a huge amount of weeds out there...

 

9. Weeds live in TV formulated love and romance stories that are hyphened up by Hollywood... And now reality shows...

 

10. I learned that it takes a long time to get over it and be healthy again... A stab at the heart hurts a lot more, a lot longer than anything else out there.... And it takes a long time to heal from it....

[reinventmyself]

I have learned to take my time and decipher whether someone I am dating is in love with `me' or in love with the idea of a relationship. To truly be in love with someone you need to truly know them.

That takes a considerable amount of time and a great deal of interest.

 

I've lost count on how many times I fell into something that felt like love and then after the fact realized we didn't really even know each other.

Everything else in between is just lust, projection and infatuation. Love takes patience and time.

 

I dated someone well matched for me on all levels before I met my current bf. Something prevented me from moving forward with him.

I trusted my intuition that he didn't reeeally know me, in spite of several dates off and on over a course of a couple years.

I got the sense that he just needed someone more than he wanted `me'.

 

It was a great learning experience. The old me would have just fell into it.

[Broken77]

Ive learned that professions of undying love and soul mates are all just love sickness talking. They just say these same things to the next girl. Ive also learned that people cope with breaksups differently... some rebound lightning style and marry 10 months into knowing the new one (*cough* i may be slightly bitter *cough)

But others take time to understand themselves and decide what they want in life.

 

What a messed up journey this has been....but ive learned ALOT

 

 

Natasha,

A lot of what said resonates with me as well.

In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if my ex just decided to get married to this new guy she's in a relationship with. They're in love & it's just been 6 months since we broke up.

[Broken77]

This was a fantastic thread, very cathartic reading everyone's "learnings".

 

I've been broken up with for the last 6 months.

 

I've learned that no one is indispensable.

I've found that it is very easy for people to be very much in love with you one day and still choose to close doors on you permanently the next day. Like someone up here stated, I've also learned that people tell you all sorts of romantic things you want to hear, "I love yous'" and such and then end up saying the same thing to the next person within months.

 

I've learned that the only person you can and should trust is yourself. Any other nice person, is just a bonus, but should never be included in your inner, deeper circle of trust.

I've learned that I'd the tendency to put all my eggs in one basket and that is immensely flawed. I'm now learning to be independent, learning to be responsible for my own happiness and well being, something I should have learned and done years back, but now learning at 31.

 

I'm discovering an undescribable, powerfully positive strength in my own self. A certain strength that keeps reminding me that this is rock bottom and you can face this.

 

What I want to learn is, the skill to weed out women who do not believe in staying when it gets tougher. At the moment I'm unable to do that.

[wgmitch]

I no longer believe that people are inherently good at heart.

 

Ditto.

 

My actual breakup did not have me feeling this way. The break up made me sad, but she said she was unhappy in the relationship, so I left her alone and went NC. I started my healing.

 

It's what she did after nearly 4 months of NC that made me "no longer believe that people are inherently good at heart." Harsh, self centered and cruel. It nearly broke me.

 

Never give someone this much power. Now 5 months after that incident I am stronger and my resolve is unbreakable. Never break NC.

 

Mitch

[Natasha207]

This was a fantastic thread, very cathartic reading everyone's "learnings".

 

I've been broken up with for the last 6 months.

 

I've learned that no one is indispensable.

I've found that it is very easy for people to be very much in love with you one day and still choose to close doors on you permanently the next day. Like someone up here stated, I've also learned that people tell you all sorts of romantic things you want to hear, "I love yous'" and such and then end up saying the same thing to the next person within months.

 

I've learned that the only person you can and should trust is yourself. Any other nice person, is just a bonus, but should never be included in your inner, deeper circle of trust.

I've learned that I'd the tendency to put all my eggs in one basket and that is immensely flawed. I'm now learning to be independent, learning to be responsible for my own happiness and well being, something I should have learned and done years back, but now learning at 31.

 

I'm discovering an undescribable, powerfully positive strength in my own self. A certain strength that keeps reminding me that this is rock bottom and you can face this.

 

What I want to learn is, the skill to weed out women who do not believe in staying when it gets tougher. At the moment I'm unable to do that.

You're so very right. And slowly but surely im learning to stop focusing on the ex, their new life and how their love for me just seemed to dissipate. Its all about us. Our journey. Our life. Our needs. Our wants. Wonderful post.